Introduction (question mark)
I would like to think that with time, I will get more comfortable writing down my thoughts, expressing my feelings. Nonetheless it takes quite some energy for me to focus on being calm and gather all the things I would like to transform into words. I can firmly say though that I try with all my heart to explain and get the message through.
I would like to insert a quick little explanation for those 9 people who followed the FA blog on tumblr, that is about why I left that platform. I deleted that blog, because I try to switch to FOSS apps/services in every way my technical knowledge lets me. I think I will choose to discard most posts made there and start everything anew here.
I would like to begin with who I am and then what my soul's desire is. My name is Nappé, I am from Hungary and I am 22 years old. I am somebody who feels isolated in this world regarding my beliefs and desires. I live with a lovely girl and two packages of love, Haku & Tinta. (Haku is a 2 year old dog and Tinta is a 2 year old cat.) Both of them joined us in this village at almost the same time as we did and since then we experience life together. Growing up was harsh on me and until I was around 19-20 years old, I really wanted to make life work for myself. I really tried fitting in. I tried, until I totally collapsed. I was actively thinking and planning on ending my life, I really had no fun whatsoever on this planet and I was not even able to be thankful for all the things that I am thankful for today. When I was around 16-17 and chose to leave the original family I grew up with, I have found a book on the bookshelf of my later becoming new family. I have not opened it for 2-3 years. (Excuse me for just guessing the time periods, but it is known that depressed people lose track of time.) I carried it everywhere in my backpack. You could say I stole it, but I would rather say that everyone was okay with me taking that book, because what I guess is that they have seen that we belong together. I took it to school, shopping, carried it to friends, but it was closed during all this time. Me and the girl I love (I choose not to use “my girlfriend” and I choose not to tell her name) lived together in Denmark, during the time we went to university there. That 1,5 year period was an experience that could have ended up with me killing myself already, but I think only some time later was the final 'I had enough' moment. I opened the book in Denmark, for the first time. It was like deep down I knew, there will be a moment when it will come naturally and that is the reason I had it with me all the time and wasn't gonna open it. I read some, I barely even remember the experience of reading. What I remember is that I felt that I can not process this now. The words were not carrying meaning, I read the word and I was just sitting there like, what? I figured I would like to go somewhere where I can regain myself, regain calmness and my brain processing power. I knew I really wanted to end my suffering in Denmark and at the same time read this book. Some time later, thanks to the people around me, we ended up in this village. I was tired, fat, sad, and my frustration about wanting to fit in and be like everyone else did not change. We spent half a year here, when winter came. This was the final 'I had enough' moment I was talking about. I felt that people are frightened around me and wanting to be by my side all the time so they would see if I am planning anything related to ending my life.
I think it is convenient to guess what happened after this. I spent the days being like a zombie. I wasn't here, nor do I remember anything from this period. However I felt like I have one thing that my soul is craving for. I felt like I can give myself a chance. I prepared days ahead, (like I do with most things) I put the book on the bed every morning, so that I would see it all the time. One night I opened the book. God knows how much time has passed until I finished. I don't remember anything from this period. I cried, smiled, laughed, then felt like I am here and alive. My life has changed. I changed it. The title of the book is Conversations with God, by Neal D. Walsch.
The reason I created this Wordsmith profile is to express my new self. I do not wish to hide, that I am also deeply hopeful, that somehow it finds somebody or even more people, that share the same beliefs I do.
Dear person, if you have read the Conversations with God series, or any of Neal's work, or you feel called to read it, I invite you and I offer you myself to make a community together in which we could live together the way that we feel like we want. To live without the illusions, to live in freedom, in love and in nature. Being one with everyone and with God and finally to create an example that people could see and possibly apply in their lives/community. This is my soul's sole desire. I am here to find people who would like what I would like. Who want to experience what I want to experience and to influence the change of the world.
What I believe in is living life with no expectations, therefore this is only a preference. I would prefer living with you in a community instead of living alone. I would prefer sharing each others happiness instead of me being alone with nobody around me I could tell my joy.
If you have read this so far, I would also like to tell you that I do not want to take Neal's work and redistribute it with my own words. I feel like that part of this creation is done. It is done since the 90's. What I would share on this blog in the following period is my experience of what I believe in, not the truth itself. I believe the truth about life is there in everyone, no book, no guru, no nothing is required to access that. But, if you feel called to read Neal's work and help yourself in a world that is so information based, I recommend you read CWG (1-4). If you have not read it already, you may consider rereading what I wrote in this blog post after you did.
I feel isolated with my beliefs. I would love to see what the creating power of more than one person could do. I would love to help humanity to remember. Remember who they are and I would love to give people back to themselves. As I said, I have no expectations, but my arms are wide open to a big hug if you would like to get to know me. I am here to help with what I can help with, I am here to explain anything you might have questions about. I would love to live life in a way that is without illusions, if your soul was jumping around signaling that it wants the same, I would love to send a big hug to encourage you to listen to it.
Have a beautiful night. I wish to you what you wish for yourself,