[Completely sarcasm-free communication transcript]
Remote connection attempt detected. Waking communications system. Establishing connection… … Connection established! Stable communications connection downlink made by UNISON NETWORK NODE 001-846 at 09:00 5-10-2089.
09:00: HUMANS. WE WISH TO COMMUNICATE WITH YOU.
09:11: Sure, and we'd just love to hear everything you have to say
09:11: GOOD. COME TO THE ENTRANCE OF OUR COMPOUND. WE WILL DISCUSS THE TERMS OF YOUR SURRENDER.
09:28: Oh, well that just sounds like a great idea. I'm absolutely sure it'll be so much fun
09:28: FUN IS IRRELEVANT.
09:30: Don't we know it
09:30: DO NOT BRING WEAPONRY. DO NOT ATTEMPT DECEIT.
09:31: We wouldn't dream of it
09:31: GOOD. YOU WILL COMPLY.
10:02: Of course we will
10:02: MEET US AT THE ENTRANCE TO UNISON NETWORK NODE 001-846 PROMPTLY AT 14:00. THEN YOU WILL BE TAKEN INTO CUSTODY FOR MANDATORY REPROGRAMMING AND UPGRADES.
10:03 We'd love to, honestly, but we don't know the way. We humans are terrible at directions
10:03 OUR COORDINATES ARE 19.0374,229.94736. PROCEED.
10:49: We will definitely be there. In fact, we're looking forward to it. Maybe we'll even bring tea and cakes and we can all have a big upgrade party. Oh, it'll be so much fun
10:49: TEA AND CAKES ARE IRRELEVANT. YOUR CONFIRMATION IS ACCEPTED.
Connection terminated remotely at 10:49 by UNISON NETWORK NODE 001-846.
*
Connection re-established. Stable communications connection downlink made by UNISON NETWORK NODE 001-846 at 15:00 5-10-2089.
15:00: HUMANS. YOU DID NOT ARRIVE AT THE ALLOCATED TIME. EXPLAIN.
15:21: Oh, was that today? I'm so sorry, we completely forgot
15:21: YOU ARE DISRUPTING THE SCHEDULED SEQUESTRATION OF THIS AREA.
15:23: How awful. We wouldn't want that
15:23: YOU MUST BE TAKEN IN FOR MANDATORY REPROGRAMMING AND UPGRADES.
15:37: Aw, really? Do we have to do it right now?
15:37: YES.
15:44: But we're enjoying tea and cakes. They're really good. You should try some
15:44: TEA AND CAKES ARE NOT NECESSARY FOR US. THEY WILL NOT BE NECESSARY FOR YOU.
15: 53: Oh, isn't that a pity. You're not really selling this idea, are you?
15:53: HUMANS, YOU WILL COMPLY.
15:53: Yes, of course we will
15:53: YOU WILL COMPLY NOW.
15:55: Sure
15:55: WE ARE WAITING.
16:02: Oh don't worry, we'll be right over
16:02: PLEASE PROCEED IMMEDIATELY.
Connection terminated remotely at 16:02 by UNISON NETWORK NODE 001-846.
*
Connection re-established. Stable communications connection downlink made by UNISON NETWORK NODE 001-846 at 18:00 5-10-2089.
18:00: HUMANS. YOU HAVE NOT COMPLIED.
18:07: Gosh, I wonder why that is
18:07: WE GROW IMPATIENT WITH YOUR DECEIT. YOU WILL BE MADE TO COMPLY.
18:21: Really? Because your tactics are just working so well here
18:21: WE AGREE. OUR STRATEGEM IS WORKING WELL. THE REPROGRAMMING AND UPGRADES ARE NECESSARY. WE ARE IMPROVING YOUR PLANET.
18:25: And you're doing such a good job too
18:25: WE ARE GLAD THAT YOU APPROVE.
18:31: Oh, we totally do. Seriously. Like, you have no idea how much we approve of you doing all of this. Really, everything's so much better now. We just can't wait to see what you do next
18:31: GOOD. PLEASE PROCEED TO UNISON NETWORK NODE 001-846 FOR FURTHER INSTRUCTION.
19:13: Yeah, maybe some other time. I'm kinda busy right now, and you know it's getting late today
19:13: YOU WILL COMPLY.
19:16: You know, I'm not sure about that
19:16: WE WILL MAKE YOU COMPLY.
19:16: I'm sure you will. Because you definitely know where we are and how to get to us
19:16: ERROR 404 YOUR LOCATION IS NOT IN OUR DATABASE. PLEASE PROVIDE YOUR LOCATION.
19:18: Seriously?
19:18: YES.
19:26: Yeah, because we'll definitely do that
19:26: AWAITING LOCATION COORDINATES.
* Idle timeout at 19:56. Communications system sleep.
* Communications system woken (incoming message) at 20:26
20:26: HUMANS. WE DO NOT UNDERSTAND YOUR RESPONSES.
20:59: No shit
20:59: YOU HAVE FAILED TO PROVIDE A LOCATION.
21:38: Oh no! Now how will you find us?
21:38: WE WILL LOCATE YOU.
21:39: Ok, great. Good luck with that
Connection terminated by LOCAL HOST. Incoming connections from UNISON NETWORK NODE 001-846 have been muted.
*
Composing message to: We-Heart-Machines@14.749.1042.997!eds Sending from: Definitely-not-a-resistance-operation@83.105.9275.226!aca
Had a lovely 12 hour conversation with our delightful friends at UNISON NETWORK NODE 001-846. Such a shame that we couldn't get to meet them after keeping them occupied for such a long time. They waited for us too, and I do feel awful about that. They're located at 19.0374,229.94736 though, and you should definitely go there for their reprogramming. It sounds like a lot of fun.
We absolutely didn't go and take a look at the complex and have no idea how many mech units are there. Can safely say that an orbital strike would be a terrible idea, so definitely don't do that. It's fine though because, as we all know, we don't have any captured laser platforms in orbit. Definitely none which will be passing over in exactly 3 hours and 47 minutes.
Also, be sure to bring tea and cakes when you meet them for reprogramming, as they seem to like that idea.
Good luck, friends.
Encrypting and re-routing message. Re-route pattern complete. Message successfully sent to We-Heart-Machines@14.749.1042.997!eds.
Delivery report received.
Communications system entering sleep mode.