For thoughts to pass the laser beam of my mind and not be pulled apart and scrutinized feels like an almost impossible feat to pull off. For the tiniest observations and judgments to not become a hoard of elephants stomping flowers and fairie girls in my head feels to me so distant.
I'm struggling with finding my voice today, my dearest God. I want poetry to flow out the tip of my pen effortlessly, for rhymes to just happen, but there's a fog in my brain or a void of anything that keeps me from getting there. Even writing this journal entry now, I'm struggling with whether I should be more expressive and honest in how I write, whether I should write the way I do to my friends. Language should feel easier to navigate right now and I know for a fact were that the case my day would be better but alas. I hope I can find my voice today but I'll survive in the meantime.
There's not much to talk about regarding my day so far. I just had the daily complementary Jimmy John's meal the facility I am in provides. I'm in a rehab / sober living program that is queer-focused, only allows queer clients. There's something comforting about living with people who are, in a sense, your kin, but I don't feel that at home. Nor do I want to be sober, but that's against good advice. Living here grounds me in that socializing and connecting with people is a mighty hard task and one that is alienating in of itself. Shared interests mean nothing sometimes, forcing people to do shit with you doesn't pan out, true connection comes from a mutual desire to engage and get to know the other better.
A lot of people here are already comfortable in their own bubble, or might experience shyness- It feels as if in this halfway home scenario where you're in close quarters with strangers, connections would develop more naturally and frequently, but that has not been my experience. There's also just personalities and attitudes I cannot deal with, too much ironic detachment and blasé rudeness, jokey rudeness that doesn't feel like it comes from a place of friendship and trust but rather out of projection. I've worked so hard to separate myself from those things and I end up at a place where it feels like no one else has, I don't feel comfortable even bringing it up. It's suffocating. (10/25/2021)