Writing nonsense, personal and inconclusive, doesn't provide guidance. Persistently at the verge of something great, of a breakthrough, of feeling alive. Brain splitting, anger directed at nothing in particular gives way to pointed, burning, passionate anger. I feel so fucking lost. Thought about revisiting my old Blogspot thing to dwell over how I haven't matured one bit.
Words used to be malleable, they're now stamped out and crushed. I used to not really care about how they came across, I felt free and I was writing for myself, class boredom was the motivator and that was like, from 8AM to 4PM. I was writing for myself and now I'm supposed to make people care somehow, I'm supposed to write because it'll get me a job, I'm being a whiny little bitch about all this but I'm letting myself have it because I am so tired right now and I just need to get this shit out of my body. (5/5/2020)
Incense stick was on the night stand, moved over to the keyboard on my desk so I could let it waft in a way the fan would push it over to where I am. It'd been to the side of a little music box that plays a vaguely Potter-ish melody and I don't really think my mom's a fan. I don't know how my mom gets anything out of reading when she is such a bitter, often loveless person. Before I'd moved the incense stick laid on my night table it, the music box, and a near-empty bottle of Monster Ultra. All the lights here are out and I drink energy drinks because I like sugar, I've been pretty devoid of energy and I'm not particularly looking for it; Maybe my mind will knock off self-destructive hyperactivity when I don't even give it the time to think. I hope I'm just digging through mundane words for a bit and soon, I'll get to the point where the grass is trimmed and dew trickles to dirt, wet sheets for seeds to lead my words to hoards of flowering bushes where I pick from shades of rose attuned to where my head was as I arose. (4/28/2020)
A crummy day, not sure I have a sleeping schedule, crusty brain and thoughts and the smell of my mother's incense to fill the room. Her office room is pretty and comforting, she isn't but she's not around so I can make the room mine for a while. The white on this screen's a bit too bright right now and I wonder if I can tinker with the settings here to make it darker. I'm waiting for someone to come to the house and I'm absolutely embarrassed by the mess I've been continually having to clean up here but I'll get there some day. I'm laying on my bed who doesn't wear sheets and acts a table for my keyboard and pill bottle(s?) and phone, a CD I've heard plenty and one I haven't heard fully, a CD player with layers of stickers slathered unto it but it no longer works, a book I picked out of the neighborhood birdhouse library, other things to listen to music on or from, my towel and an empty water bottle. (4/27/2020)