the knife not in my hands. [micro essay: psych/mental health]

May 22, 2023

cw: “pre-episode” [depression/suicide, self-harm/cutting], sharps/blood (imagery)

So many folks out there, right now, are teetering on the edge of their own life. They've lost their balance and the poison seems more of an elixir, the panacea peace jellybeans.

I am not one of those people... not right now.

But I have been, before. And probably will be, again.

Dealing with chronic mental health shit has left me with a skewed perspective. Even with the genuine healing I've done, the residue from my darkest days dirties my brain corners. I showered this week, so it isn't that bad. I've gotten groceries, made meals.... I'm actually doing well.

I haven't yet reached for the razor. Everything is fine.

So why have I been asking myself if I've been getting depressed for three weeks, having known the answer from day one?

Once you find some sense of self-regulation, everything becomes a sign:

I went to bed at 8pm. Long day, or...? I'm still up at 3am. Hereditary insomnia, or...?

I've barely eaten anything today. Been busy, or...? I can't stop snacking. Been bored, or...?

The answer actually isn't always “or you're having another episode.” But while an episode is typically visible in-the-moment, the signs leading up to one are only so in hindsight.

What I mean is, they're only signs of an episode if you have one. An episode, I mean. Otherwise, it's just the rain or too much caffeine.

I've peered over that cliff before, slipped and fallen off. Taken more than one running jump.

Having lived through myself doing this, appetite fluctuations will always seem a trivial thing. Considering the months at a time I wouldn't brush my teeth, that I floss now is an indicator of progress. It's only when I stop taking care of my personal hygiene and can't leave the house that I'll really start to worry.

Get back to me when the knife's in my hands.

But is what I consider behavioral changes a collection of juggling daggers? Are my sighs really swords that I'm swallowing?

Have I already stabbed myself? Am I numb to my own blood...?