I resolve to stop saying “I'm bad at the flute”
To keep excusing myselves with constantly saying “sorry I'm bad at this”, “I'm bad at music” etc. is kinda noceboing oneself, isn't it. I'm self-taught; I'm my own teacher. Imagine a teacher who keeps telling the student “wow you suck, you have no talent for this.”
It's certainly more beneficial to think: This piece is beyond my ability for now, that is a thing that can be fixed; and then think further: What am I missing to play this piece, and how do I practice that? And then set out to do deliberate practice, the way one would chase the requirements to unlock a skill tree in a videogame.
Today I was playing “Sakura” for the cherry blossoms in Köln, and it was like, recognisably Sakura, but certainly subpar. Not like, actually pleasant to listen to. But Hotaru and Usagi that I did as warmups, I feel pretty ok with how I play them those days. Ok, they're easier songs, but Usagi isn't that easier. Why do I feel comfortable with these songs, but not the other one?
I do pretty well at transitioning between the 3 registers that Sakura requires these days, and losing notes seldomly happpens. I've got the fingerings for the entire miyako-bushi scale down to pat, too. However, often my kan sounds too strained and nervous; sometimes I even get unintentional vibrato from tensed lips! While the ryo may start good, then after I travelled to kan and tensed up, when I go back to ryo later it sounds unintentionally breathy.
I think both things are caused by the air being too fast and/or general lip- and body tension. I finished practice with my shoulders aching. I'm pretty sure one's shoulder blades shouldn't be hurting from playing shinobue, I strict press 40kg, a shinobue is a bit lighter than that. And this tension must at least partially have to do with me making “playing Sakura” too much of a landmark, in my mind proof that I'm a “real shinobue player”, so I get nervous every time I try, like one would for the finals at school.
But there is no school and there's no finals. The exam is imaginary. I'm anxious for some arbitrary line I drew on the sand.
Ideas to fix those issues:
Focused relaxation. I could try Jane Cavanagh's method where you play the same piece 8 times and each time you focus on relaxing one more body part (shoulders; then face/lips; then eyes; jaw; neck; chest/belly; throat).
Body triggers for attitude. I'm having good results experimenting with doing the formal shinobue holding method, as if about to present at a performance, as a sign to get into “shinobue playing mode”. I could also do that with the rest of the body, like, assuming a sitting or standing formal position with good posture. Which would also help with:
Diaphragm breathing. I know the basics but this can always be improved. I can do the “hoh!” exercise, or also play the miyakobushi scale a few times just concentrating on keeping the core engaged. Then while playing, concentrate on trying to draw power from the core (whatever that means).
Tone quality exercises. Do scales again but focusing on finding the point with minimal effort and maximum ring to each note. The fact that I got fluent at the scale's fingering transitions means I can focus on the other parts. I've recently tried a thing from Inoue Mami where you look at the mirror and study the shape of your mouth hole, then try to keep it small, then try to bring the shinobue to your lips already at the right position by increasing proprioception of what the blowing hole feels like. So both git gud at playing a tone on first try thanks to correct positioning, and from that starting point, try playing the entire song using the minimum possible amount of air to not lose the note (or fall down a register).
And generally: play slow, one phrase at a time, again and again until that phrase stops being scary, then do the next one.
This way instead of excusing myself forever for “being bad”, we have a list of specific issues and a map of how to solve them (or at least potential ways to solve them). This principle applies generally.