Overthinking the apocalypse

The other day I was reading Emily’s Inheritance, which deeply disappointed me because it's that bait-and-switch where a story that looks like fantasy getting sci-fi rationalisations, and as a fantasy enjoyer that ruins it for me.

But in addition to that it's also straight, like not in any particularly invasive way, just by default. And thinking about that as I read, I understood why I obsess so much about that sweet sweet rep ever since stories with lesbians in it became a thing I can access. It's not that girls kissing get me off, or that I self-insert in place of one of the girls, or that the girl being a lesbian makes her my waifu. Not dissing any of that, but what I get from it is something much more ambient-level, like a radiating warmth. Consuming 90s media, I feel like I don't matter enough to be portrayed. Looking at transfem characters whose transition is defined by their attraction to men, I feel like I don't matter enough to be talked about. Heteronormativity makes me feel like I don't exist.

Once I realised that weird depersonalisation wasn't actually a necessary side effect of reading stories, looking for stories where queerness exist became important for me.

It helps that it just feels fresh—straight monogamic romance as a perfunctory plot device does feel tired and mechanical most of the time, especially in USA cinema. But that's not the primary problem. Sometimes straight romance is actually portrayed in interesting ways. I still get that sense of alienation when the entire worldbuilding erases the existence of queerness.

The same goes for own voices. One time a long time ago a girlfriend said casually while browsing books: eh I think I have read enough about the thoughts and feelings of straight men, I filled that quota for a lifetime. There's so much more I still have to read. And at first I thought it was a bit unfair, to have someone's identity be a factor in why you choose to pass on a book or not, but with time I came to understand her point of view, the ways that the identity and experiences of the writer actually affect the creation, the reasons why relative social position matters in one's intellectual sphere. Now it's a factor for me, too.