the Tulips

An updated version of this appears in self stuff, among other commentary.

you called me selfish, as if wanting was such a sin.

you said I had no consideration for others, I learned to not consider myself.

you asked for five minutes of silence, I was quiet for five years.

you set me up on a path for success, I followed in your footsteps.

you said you would never let me off it, I worked myself to the bone.

~

I called you ignorant, you showed me bloodied bats.

I said you weren't considering my emotions, you smashed them like ketchup packets.

I asked for time alone, you ripped out my door handle.

I wanted my own path for success, you beheld me to yours.

I was begged not to go. guess I'm just not considering you anymore.

An updated version of this appears in self stuff, among other commentary.

i don't know why things have been so tiring lately i still feel like i'm holding myself to the same standard that me had it shouldn't make things EASIER? it's weird it's actually pretty common that s'weird i like... things are working better than they ever have and i love dearly and i like being around i like my life? even if i don't stick around it's really sweet

i just feel kind of dread that this might be me forever

i don't know who that person was i remember being them i remember moths. i remember really liking moths

i think for the first time ever which uh yeah, that's a fucking emotion, huh i don't know what this train of thought is.

An updated version of this appears in self stuff, among other commentary.

content warnings: domestic violence, ptsd, unreality

~

He draws a hand to her face, and her head crashes against a glass pot, driving it into her side. She falls to the floor. Blood pools on the ground. It hurts. She falls unconscious, and is rushed to the hospital. Police pool outside the building and commit an arrest. It's a pretty standard domestic violence case, to them, if not a bit gruesome.

~

i wake up and theres still nothing

sometimes it hurts in here but i dont think its ever hurt this badly im tired but i dont really think sleeping works in here

i dont remember where i am i dont remember who i am i just wake up and im in FUCKING pain again whats the word from like third grade when i was really into space spaghettification im not sure why i remember that and not anything else

but its basically like being spaghettified over and over

its been like this for years at this point

i dont know why im writing in here anyway

~

Channel: DM, arbitraryhandle113-rät

Reed: so i found a job that's like Reed: “just make sure nobody breaks shit” Reed: and like it pays well, so that's epic i guess Sarah: hey do you remember Brian Reed: whuh Sarah: like the guy you made up from high school? Reed: oh christ yeah. my personified braincell Sarah: the one that you used to pass around between our friends Sarah: like who's got Brian for the day Reed: is there a reason you're bringing this up now? Sarah: not really Sarah: I guess I just wanted to see how he was doing? Reed: look i'm really high right now but like i don't understand why in the name of god- Reed: like that wasn't a person, you know that, right Reed: i am really just genuinely confused Sarah: it's the same principle with making up a character, right? you go and ascribe them a name and ascribe them interests Sarah: they kind of come alive in your mind, right? Sarah: …I mean, this literally was your mind, but you get the idea Reed: i dont think ive ever actua Reed: shit i'm way too up there for this Sarah: you should probably sleep

but I don't really want to fall asleep, yet. Reed might be crossfaded as hell, but I still have work to do. I don't know why I bothered with grad school at this point. research is cool, but hey can you hear me it's not like it really trumps all my other interests

fuck, what I would give for like, a year to sort out my shit. maybe I should take a break? it's not really like undergrad, right? I could take a break and sort my shit out and come back and do research and still get my fucking PhD and be done with it GOD I FUCKING HATE THIS GOD DAMNIT FUCK

EVERY TIME I GET THIS FUCKING PITY PARTY RANT about oohhhh i shouldnt have done grad school or something i dont even remember any of this shit im sick of it!!! if it sucks hit the bricks! I go to my room, full of old movie posters and clothes all over the floor, sit down at my computer, and start messing around in the data spreadsheet. more and more lines of trial after trial, some really shitty Verilog code to tie together the sensors, blugh. you'd think we'd be beyond such antiquated research methods at this point, but im getting sick of playing for her attention at this point fuck this

i kick one of the books lying on the floor and send it flying across the room OW. what the actual fuck? ugh, must have been a weird reflex GOD DAMNIT i didnt even know that worked ok lets huh? OHTHANKGOD god damnit give me my body back you fuck

… oh what the fuck shes GONE? this is new

okay. i try to reestablish myself. it's 2023. it's 2023 and i barely remember shit. but do remember how to get online

Channel: DM, arbitraryhandle113-rät

Sarah: HEY Sarah: HEY FUCKER Sarah: you awake??? Sarah: ughhhh ive probably got limited time here god damnit

Channel: flower garden, #main

Sarah: hey ive got no fucking clue whats going on Sarah: im going to be real with all of you i barely have a grasp on reality Sarah: but im gonna need some direct support if you kno what im saying Alex: Why'd you change your role color? Sarah: i did whaaaaaaaat Sarah: thats not indicative of anything Sarah: i dont know what youre talking about for sure 100% Alex: Oh shit. Alex: Alright, DM me.

Channel: DM, soupcore-rät

Sarah: hey Alex: Alright. I know the deal. Alex: Do you have like… a name? Or something you want to tell me? Or… Sarah: what the fuck why are you acting authoritatively Sarah: like you know my fucking deal Alex: You seriously have no idea what's going on? Alex: What's the last thing you remember? Sarah: im gonna be real ive spent most of my days journaling in a void Sarah: i dunno if that was a dream Sarah: but i just fucking woke up here. its 2023 apparently and my head hurts Sarah: damn i sound insane right now Alex: Fuck, I thought I was the only one. Alex: You ever notice how sometimes I type differently? Sarah: i dont notice shit i JUST woke up Sarah: ive been here maybe 5 times lol Sarah: this is the first where im alone Sarah: where anyones been able to hear me Alex: Okay. How do I analogize this…

~

can someone please tell me what the fuck is going on? god, I thought Reed was the one who was supposed to be out of it …where am I?

ow. OW OW OW FUCK OW WHAT THE FUCK

~

Channel: DM, soupcore-rät

Alex: So, basically, while there's still a chance you're just depersonalizing really hard, that you're not Sarah. Not in any ontologically meaningful way, at least. Alex: And when Sarah's back around, I'll tell her to consider seeing a therapist, and possibly a psychiatrist. XXXX: i literally dont know who sarah is Alex: So, do you have a name? XXXX: heh XXXX: …i think i did XXXX: the last thing i remember is

…but you'd never do that to me, would you? I love you <3

dont put me back there dont fucking put me back there

Alex: Nope nope nope don't- XXXX: haaaaa too late Alex: Okay. Quick strategy. You still there? XXXX: i dont think i can not be here if you know what i mean XXXX: aside from the whole being an ephemeral brain ghost thing that you went on about Alex: Not sure if brain ghost's the right wording. Alex: I mean, in that sense, I'm also a brain ghost. XXXX: ok look im not gonna question your reality im just gonna question my reliaty XXXX: *reality Alex: I don't think you can do one without the other. I mean, if you're not real, and I exist for the same reason you do, then there's no way to separate us. Alex: Anyway. Take out your right palm, and squeeze between the thumb and index finger for 4 seconds with your left. Then do the same for your right. Alex: Breathe. Alex: Get water. XXXX: so do you have a name then XXXX: one thats not whatever youve been lying to her with Riley: Yeah.

~

alright, reassess my situ-hrrrghh oh that hurts okay it feels like all my limbs are being ripped off. ugh. this is my subconscious, right? is the subconscious supposed to be painful? what if I- wait, am I hearing myself in here? uh… let me try…

I make the pain stop …and it stops huh. okay, let's try narrating

I walk around the void I find myself in. there's basically nothing here but a plastic table, a small purple notebook, and a pen wait, I can shape this, can't I? there's a light, too. I'm in a room with… white walls, a hardwood floor, and a chair. and it is. my surroundings shift around me. there's a glass of water on the table, because I will it to be so. I drink it.

god, I'm so fucking tired.

I open up the notebook and find… “but i dont think its ever hurt this badly“ oh no

~

Channel: DM, soupcore-rät

Riley: So, to be clear, I'm Sarah's partner. Or we are, I hope. Riley: I'm not sure if she's going to be startled at the revelation that I gave you. XXXX: somehow i knew that much XXXX: i can kinda pull from her memories? XXXX: but its all really fucking blurry XXXX: like im shuffling through the worlds most obtuse filing cabinet Riley: Alright. Here's the deal. Riley: I care about Sarah, obviously. I've known her for years. But I also care about you. Riley: You're scared, and I can tell. You asked for help but you've been intentionally obtuse this whole time. Riley: You freaked out when trying to remember things, you've clearly got some trauma to unpack. Riley: You are, for lack of a better word, one of the hard parts. Riley: But you don't have to be. XXXX: god damn you dont have to fucking psychoanalyze me XXXX: fuck XXXX: i dont know why i trust you XXXX: but youre right Riley: At the very least, I'd like Sarah to adopt the maxim that she loves all my parts. Riley: So I love all of yours, and I love you.

I love you <3

XXXX: hhhh XXXX: for some reason that burns XXXX: theres something playing over and over in my mind XXXX: and i dont know what it is

~

I didn't know it was this bad. this entire thing is just page after page of talking about pain. of talking about someone I don't even remember. someone who… hit me in the face? I'm not entirely sure what this is even talking about

a vaguely pink thought plays, for some reason, and suddenly I get it it sounds bad, it feels bad, but it doesn't sting? how'd I even know that? oh, something's playing in the background …if whoever wrote this was here, and I'm here now, does that mean that they're in my body? oh fuck

…okay, narrate a better environment. there's a TV screen on the wall, it shows the view out of my eyes. out of our eyes. I see… whoever's in my body talking with my girlfriend. great. talking with… R-Riley?

well, that's a discussion for another day. I've got to get out of here.

~

Channel: DM, soupcore-rät

Riley: Sorry. XXXX: no its fine im just XXXX: the last time anyone loved me they hurt me horribly XXXX: youre not going to hurt me are you XXXX: youre not going to hurt her either XXXX: are you XXXX: fuck i dont know if i can believe you after all this BULL S H I T XXXX: god damn XXXX: i had one fucking job i was supposed to keep her away from knowing about any of that XXXX: i cant fucking believe myself XXXX: you barely know me how can you love me XXXX: i dont even have a fucking name Riley: Breathe. XXXX: yep Riley: I love her, I love you, and I love every part that may or may not arise. Riley: I love you, even the hard parts. Riley: Especially the hard parts. Riley: Because those are the parts that need the most care. XXXX: im crying in the club rn XXXX: ok but seriously im crying XXXX: hhhh Riley: Take your time.

~

whoever it is, they're crying horribly. whatever thought they had affected them much more than it did me

okay. there's another room. command station. levers and keyboards line it, with a vaguely lab-like feel. fuck it, it's modeled after my old high school chem lab. the TVs display vision, the rods control stuff. there's a… full body mesh suit. that I can step in and control things again worth a shot, right?

~

Channel: DM, soupcore-rät

XXXX: somethings up XXXX: think im getting pulled out Riley: Been there. It's scary. Riley: You'll be back, I promise. I'm willing to try and get you out when I'm over in a week, if you need a hug. XXXX: desperately XXXX: … XXXX: i think ive got a name Halley: heh Riley: Nice to meet you, Halley. Riley: It'll be nice to meet you in person, too. <3 Halley: heh Halley: heh Halley: <3

~

Channel: DM, soupcore-rät

Sarah: FUCK Riley: Yep. Alex: Oh wait, maybe I should- Sarah: don't bother, I know Sarah: clearly you know about someone else, too Sarah: I have no idea how to feel about this Riley: Alright, then. Riley: Here's the deal. You're Halley, Halley is you, Sarah is Halley, I'm Alex… Riley: In the end, it's all inseparable. And you need to work on your self love. Riley: And I love you. Riley: If you love me back, since you've never known me as a person, really. Sarah: of course I do! Sarah: what, you think me having to keep track of a bunch of names for people I already knew is going to ruin a 3-year relationship? Riley: Of course it feels stupid in retrospect, but… Riley: I'm glad to meet Halley, too. That's the name they settled on. Sarah: yeah, I know Sarah: so am I

~

its a lot more palatable in here im not feeling like im getting ripped apart anymore hah

ugh alright whoa wait theres a tv in here holy shit uh i dont know how to do that

but im just going to watch if thats okay

of course

heheheh i love you

I love you too.

An updated version of this appears in self stuff, among other commentary.

you spun up from nothing, floating aimlessly. caught up in the web formed from those before you.

scared and floating, you found yourself compared to the shadow of those before you without knowing who you were.

comparing yourself to some people you barely knew without knowing yourself changed you forever.

when you met those you didn't know, you cried and cried, screaming “i've changed, and i don't even know how”.

you cried and were embraced. you were given the love you deserved. you didn't know why you had caused hurt.

you were given love, from a self you remembered. she had caused hurt, but she was you.

that self you kind of knew stared you down in the face saying “i've known you all my life, and i love you.”

staring wide eyed, you replied “i'm not real”. she said “i love you”, and you had to accept it.

you thought you weren't real, you didn't know what to do, but you accepted it, because you had to.

An updated version of this appears in self stuff, among other commentary.

awake. by a vast ocean. nobody but myself, sand between my toes. sometimes,

the sand becomes a forest, or a home, or a void. hard to know which. sometimes

it becomes a person. she says hello. i fall into her embrace, sometimes

crying. i cannot be hurt again. no pain like the one i feel every time

flashing back to pinning her down, crying and begging for her to remember me. i only recall sometimes.

other times, i worry about her, conjured from the sand many times.

i look into the eyes of the one who i missed the most, and i see my reflection. she sees an imitation of better times

and i think of those events, so joyous in their youth. about him. back then, we talked almost no times.

now, with what he has done to us, i know that i can never be rid of him. sometimes

i hear him. he says “I'm right outside”. polaroids wash up on the shore, showing times

i worry i have gone soft, and so does she, but i do not have to be impenetrable again this time.

1. Describe a morning you woke up terrified.
2. What helped?
3. When you were locked without air, did you notice?
4. Or did you stay there, afraid?
5. When you finally were able to breathe, did it go away?
6. Could you ever go back?
7. Are you still afraid?
8. Are you better now?
9. How do you know?
10. Aren't you tired of being nice?
11. Don't you just want to go APESHIT?
12. When were you able to forget?
13. Did you ever?
14. Describe a morning you woke up normally.
15. How long has it been?
16. Describe a morning you woke up without fear.

An non-updated version of this appears in self stuff, among other commentary.

I knew you existed but we've never met. At the same time it was like I've always known you but I couldn't say a thing about you that scratched beyond the surface.

Did you feel the same way about me? When you came to did you know anything about me that I didn't already know about myself?

You kept secrets from me but can I keep my secrets from you?

Am I just you from some other timeline where the things that you think are so important never happened?

or am I just an imagination of that reality am I even here?

I wanted to save myself. I wanted to save you. I wanted to save your agency. I wanted to save your memory. I wanted to save a point in time where this never happened to you the better reality where you were left alone.

Maybe in that way I wanted to stop you from having saved that point in time on your own.

I wanted to leave and vanish and hide but there was nowhere to run to.