An updated version of this appears in self stuff, among other commentary.
content warnings: domestic violence, ptsd, unreality
~
He draws a hand to her face, and her head crashes against a glass pot, driving it into her side. She falls to the floor. Blood pools on the ground. It hurts. She falls unconscious, and is rushed to the hospital. Police pool outside the building and commit an arrest. It's a pretty standard domestic violence case, to them, if not a bit gruesome.
~
i wake up and theres still nothing
sometimes it hurts in here
but i dont think its ever hurt this badly
im tired but i dont really think sleeping works in here
i dont remember where i am i dont remember who i am i just wake up
and im in FUCKING pain again
whats the word from like third grade when i was really into space
spaghettification
im not sure why i remember that and not anything else
but its basically like being spaghettified over and over
its been like this for years at this point
i dont know why im writing in here anyway
~
Channel: DM, arbitraryhandle113-rät
Reed: so i found a job that's like
Reed: “just make sure nobody breaks shit”
Reed: and like it pays well, so that's epic i guess
Sarah: hey do you remember Brian
Reed: whuh
Sarah: like the guy you made up from high school?
Reed: oh christ yeah. my personified braincell
Sarah: the one that you used to pass around between our friends
Sarah: like who's got Brian for the day
Reed: is there a reason you're bringing this up now?
Sarah: not really
Sarah: I guess I just wanted to see how he was doing?
Reed: look i'm really high right now but like i don't understand why in the name of god-
Reed: like that wasn't a person, you know that, right
Reed: i am really just genuinely confused
Sarah: it's the same principle with making up a character, right? you go and ascribe them a name and ascribe them interests
Sarah: they kind of come alive in your mind, right?
Sarah: …I mean, this literally was your mind, but you get the idea
Reed: i dont think ive ever actua
Reed: shit i'm way too up there for this
Sarah: you should probably sleep
but I don't really want to fall asleep, yet. Reed might be crossfaded as hell, but I still have work to do. I don't know why I bothered with grad school at this point. research is cool, but hey can you hear me it's not like it really trumps all my other interests
fuck, what I would give for like, a year to sort out my shit. maybe I should take a break? it's not really like undergrad, right? I could take a break and sort my shit out and come back and do research and still get my fucking PhD and be done with it GOD I FUCKING HATE THIS GOD DAMNIT FUCK
EVERY TIME I GET THIS FUCKING PITY PARTY RANT about oohhhh i shouldnt have done grad school or something i dont even remember any of this shit im sick of it!!! if it sucks hit the bricks! I go to my room, full of old movie posters and clothes all over the floor, sit down at my computer, and start messing around in the data spreadsheet. more and more lines of trial after trial, some really shitty Verilog code to tie together the sensors, blugh. you'd think we'd be beyond such antiquated research methods at this point, but im getting sick of playing for her attention at this point fuck this
i kick one of the books lying on the floor and send it flying across the room OW.
what the actual fuck? ugh, must have been a weird reflex GOD DAMNIT
i didnt even know that worked ok lets
huh?
OHTHANKGOD
god damnit give me my body back you fuck
…
oh what the fuck shes GONE? this is new
okay. i try to reestablish myself. it's 2023. it's 2023 and i barely remember shit. but do remember how to get online
Channel: DM, arbitraryhandle113-rät
Sarah: HEY
Sarah: HEY FUCKER
Sarah: you awake???
Sarah: ughhhh ive probably got limited time here god damnit
Channel: flower garden, #main
Sarah: hey ive got no fucking clue whats going on
Sarah: im going to be real with all of you i barely have a grasp on reality
Sarah: but im gonna need some direct support if you kno what im saying
Alex: Why'd you change your role color?
Sarah: i did whaaaaaaaat
Sarah: thats not indicative of anything
Sarah: i dont know what youre talking about for sure 100%
Alex: Oh shit.
Alex: Alright, DM me.
Channel: DM, soupcore-rät
Sarah: hey
Alex: Alright. I know the deal.
Alex: Do you have like… a name? Or something you want to tell me? Or…
Sarah: what the fuck why are you acting authoritatively
Sarah: like you know my fucking deal
Alex: You seriously have no idea what's going on?
Alex: What's the last thing you remember?
Sarah: im gonna be real ive spent most of my days journaling in a void
Sarah: i dunno if that was a dream
Sarah: but i just fucking woke up here. its 2023 apparently and my head hurts
Sarah: damn i sound insane right now
Alex: Fuck, I thought I was the only one.
Alex: You ever notice how sometimes I type differently?
Sarah: i dont notice shit i JUST woke up
Sarah: ive been here maybe 5 times lol
Sarah: this is the first where im alone
Sarah: where anyones been able to hear me
Alex: Okay. How do I analogize this…
~
can someone please tell me what the fuck is going on? god, I thought Reed was the one who was supposed to be out of it
…where am I?
ow. OW OW OW FUCK OW WHAT THE FUCK
~
Channel: DM, soupcore-rät
Alex: So, basically, while there's still a chance you're just depersonalizing really hard, that you're not Sarah. Not in any ontologically meaningful way, at least.
Alex: And when Sarah's back around, I'll tell her to consider seeing a therapist, and possibly a psychiatrist.
XXXX: i literally dont know who sarah is
Alex: So, do you have a name?
XXXX: heh
XXXX: …i think i did
XXXX: the last thing i remember is
…but you'd never do that to me, would you? I love you <3
dont put me back there dont fucking put me back there
Alex: Nope nope nope don't-
XXXX: haaaaa too late
Alex: Okay. Quick strategy. You still there?
XXXX: i dont think i can not be here if you know what i mean
XXXX: aside from the whole being an ephemeral brain ghost thing that you went on about
Alex: Not sure if brain ghost's the right wording.
Alex: I mean, in that sense, I'm also a brain ghost.
XXXX: ok look im not gonna question your reality im just gonna question my reliaty
XXXX: *reality
Alex: I don't think you can do one without the other. I mean, if you're not real, and I exist for the same reason you do, then there's no way to separate us.
Alex: Anyway. Take out your right palm, and squeeze between the thumb and index finger for 4 seconds with your left. Then do the same for your right.
Alex: Breathe.
Alex: Get water.
XXXX: so do you have a name then
XXXX: one thats not whatever youve been lying to her with
Riley: Yeah.
~
alright, reassess my situ-hrrrghh oh that hurts okay
it feels like all my limbs are being ripped off. ugh. this is my subconscious, right? is the subconscious supposed to be painful?
what if I- wait, am I hearing myself in here? uh… let me try…
I make the pain stop
…and it stops
huh. okay, let's try narrating
I walk around the void I find myself in. there's basically nothing here but a plastic table, a small purple notebook, and a pen
wait, I can shape this, can't I? there's a light, too. I'm in a room with… white walls, a hardwood floor, and a chair. and it is. my surroundings shift around me. there's a glass of water on the table, because I will it to be so. I drink it.
god, I'm so fucking tired.
I open up the notebook and find…
“but i dont think its ever hurt this badly“
oh no
~
Channel: DM, soupcore-rät
Riley: So, to be clear, I'm Sarah's partner. Or we are, I hope.
Riley: I'm not sure if she's going to be startled at the revelation that I gave you.
XXXX: somehow i knew that much
XXXX: i can kinda pull from her memories?
XXXX: but its all really fucking blurry
XXXX: like im shuffling through the worlds most obtuse filing cabinet
Riley: Alright. Here's the deal.
Riley: I care about Sarah, obviously. I've known her for years. But I also care about you.
Riley: You're scared, and I can tell. You asked for help but you've been intentionally obtuse this whole time.
Riley: You freaked out when trying to remember things, you've clearly got some trauma to unpack.
Riley: You are, for lack of a better word, one of the hard parts.
Riley: But you don't have to be.
XXXX: god damn you dont have to fucking psychoanalyze me
XXXX: fuck
XXXX: i dont know why i trust you
XXXX: but youre right
Riley: At the very least, I'd like Sarah to adopt the maxim that she loves all my parts.
Riley: So I love all of yours, and I love you.
I love you <3
XXXX: hhhh
XXXX: for some reason that burns
XXXX: theres something playing over and over in my mind
XXXX: and i dont know what it is
~
I didn't know it was this bad. this entire thing is just page after page of talking about pain. of talking about someone I don't even remember. someone who… hit me in the face? I'm not entirely sure what this is even talking about
a vaguely pink thought plays, for some reason, and suddenly I get it
it sounds bad, it feels bad, but it doesn't sting? how'd I even know that?
oh, something's playing in the background
…if whoever wrote this was here, and I'm here now, does that mean that they're in my body?
oh fuck
…okay, narrate a better environment. there's a TV screen on the wall, it shows the view out of my eyes. out of our eyes. I see… whoever's in my body talking with my girlfriend. great. talking with… R-Riley?
well, that's a discussion for another day. I've got to get out of here.
~
Channel: DM, soupcore-rät
Riley: Sorry.
XXXX: no its fine im just
XXXX: the last time anyone loved me they hurt me horribly
XXXX: youre not going to hurt me are you
XXXX: youre not going to hurt her either
XXXX: are you
XXXX: fuck i dont know if i can believe you after all this BULL S H I T
XXXX: god damn
XXXX: i had one fucking job i was supposed to keep her away from knowing about any of that
XXXX: i cant fucking believe myself
XXXX: you barely know me how can you love me
XXXX: i dont even have a fucking name
Riley: Breathe.
XXXX: yep
Riley: I love her, I love you, and I love every part that may or may not arise.
Riley: I love you, even the hard parts.
Riley: Especially the hard parts.
Riley: Because those are the parts that need the most care.
XXXX: im crying in the club rn
XXXX: ok but seriously im crying
XXXX: hhhh
Riley: Take your time.
~
whoever it is, they're crying horribly. whatever thought they had affected them much more than it did me
okay. there's another room. command station. levers and keyboards line it, with a vaguely lab-like feel. fuck it, it's modeled after my old high school chem lab. the TVs display vision, the rods control stuff. there's a… full body mesh suit. that I can step in and control things again
worth a shot, right?
~
Channel: DM, soupcore-rät
XXXX: somethings up
XXXX: think im getting pulled out
Riley: Been there. It's scary.
Riley: You'll be back, I promise. I'm willing to try and get you out when I'm over in a week, if you need a hug.
XXXX: desperately
XXXX: …
XXXX: i think ive got a name
Halley: heh
Riley: Nice to meet you, Halley.
Riley: It'll be nice to meet you in person, too. <3
Halley: heh
Halley: heh
Halley: <3
~
Channel: DM, soupcore-rät
Sarah: FUCK
Riley: Yep.
Alex: Oh wait, maybe I should-
Sarah: don't bother, I know
Sarah: clearly you know about someone else, too
Sarah: I have no idea how to feel about this
Riley: Alright, then.
Riley: Here's the deal. You're Halley, Halley is you, Sarah is Halley, I'm Alex…
Riley: In the end, it's all inseparable. And you need to work on your self love.
Riley: And I love you.
Riley: If you love me back, since you've never known me as a person, really.
Sarah: of course I do!
Sarah: what, you think me having to keep track of a bunch of names for people I already knew is going to ruin a 3-year relationship?
Riley: Of course it feels stupid in retrospect, but…
Riley: I'm glad to meet Halley, too. That's the name they settled on.
Sarah: yeah, I know
Sarah: so am I
~
its a lot more palatable in here
im not feeling like im getting ripped apart anymore
hah
ugh
alright
whoa wait theres a tv in here holy shit
uh
i dont know how to do that
but im just going to watch if thats okay
of course
heheheh
i love you
I love you too.