When pen friends don’t work : Ghosting Part 1
Coping with being Ghosted ?
A common experience for most SLOWLY users, as things are getting worse. New users have frequently commented about this, and their resulting despair. 😕
My friend and penpal -little-ghost had lots of good ideas and wrote some excellent topics on our sub-Reddit for the SLOWLY app.
While sadly their account at Reddit has been deleted, various important User Tips posts they made have been preserved – and I thought they deserved to appear in a Blog format. So, here is the second one.
If you missed it, we also have their Tips For Creating The Perfect About Me. And the When Pen Friends Don’t Work Out | Ghosting Part 2 article too.
When Pen Friends Don’t Work Out | Ghosting Part 1
Guest Author post by -little-ghost, original on Reddit here.
Filed on our Sub-Reddit under the User Tips Topics Flair.
Coping with being Ghosted
(please keep in mind I am just some teenager sharing what works for her and hoping it helps someone else)
Ghosting, defined?
Colloquial Term
Ghosting is a colloquial term used to describe the practice of ceasing all communication and contact with a partner, friend, or similar individual without any apparent warning or justification and subsequently ignoring any attempts to reach out or communicate made by said partner, friend, or individual. The term originated in the early 2000s.
^Definition retrieved from: Ghosting (behavior) – Wikipedia (thanks Yann2)
Being ghosted can sting, and the first step isn’t actually understanding your emotions… That comes later.
The first step is to let it out.
I believe every emotion we experience has a valid reason behind it, so I want you to understand that it is perfectly natural for you to be feeling how you are right now.
What helps you when you are feeling low? Many people reach out to friends, or express themselves creatively. If you don’t feel comfortable reaching out to your friends about this experience I’m sure this community would be glad to support you however they can, you could make a post to vent about how you are feeling.
Another alternative is to journal, which will help you with...
The second step, on understanding your emotions.
Sometimes talking to a friend can help you see a different perspective that makes things clearer- and other times it can just confuse and cloud your mind even more, so find out whether you would like to process these emotions with the help of another or with your own mind- you know yourself better than anyone else.
A lot of people might feel angry in a scenario like this- but anger is a secondary emotion. What are you really feeling? Disrespected? Let down? Self conscious? Confused?
Be aware that our mind can deceive us, and just because we feel something doesn’t mean it is true.
Once you have written, typed, or observed your emotions, I hope some of the weight has been taken off of you.
If you would like some insight into what has possibly happened on the other side, I will be posting a part two quite quickly after this.
Healing takes time.
If you’re already struggling and something like this has pushed you just that little bit more, it is understandable for this to be a longer process. Try looking back on past experiences and reminding yourself of the factors that have helped you to overcome them.
Remember to be kind to yourself, when the world has knocked you down treating yourself with disrespect wont help you grow.
Fall down seven times, stand up eight.
EDIT: after a recent experience and a PM asking for assistance with a similar one, I have decided to write this bonus section.
Sometimes we can salvage what may otherwise be lost.
After ten days of my letter being left un-read, I wrote a short one back to a beloved pen friend. I have received a response this morning.
If not enough time has passed for you to figure out whether your pen friend is taking it Slowly, or they are fading into a ghost, this is a guide on how to salvage the relationship.
1 - Acknowledge that time has passed.
Be kind, but catch them up on it. Speak from the heart and say something similar to: “Hey, I can’t help but think it has been a while since your last letter…”
This shows that you have noticed it, as some ghosts may possibly believe that if you wont even notice because they think you don’t care about them.
2 - Express confusion, and even slight concern.
Ask in your own way why they have been gone for so long, ask if they’re okay, or say that you hope they are well.
Say that it’s okay if they’re busy, or if they need a little while- but that you would like to hear back from them soon, even if it is brief. It isn’t nice to be left in the dark.
3 - Try to avoid blaming them.
It may be easy to blame them, but there are two sides to every coin and if you’re wishing this pen friend to speak to you again you’re going to need to hear them out.
4 - Make sure your letter has been short.
Remember that you have already sent them a letter that they haven’t responded to, so this needs to be a quick paragraph that can catch their attention in case they don’t have the time or energy to read a long one.
5 - Wrap up your letter at the end light-heartedly.
If you’d like, you can be like me and make a cheeky joke. I said “maybe I even scared you away with my lengthy letters! ;)”
Write something that fits with you. 🙂
6 - Wish them well.
If they haven’t said a goodbye to you, regardless of whether or not they respond- writing this could help give you some closure, as at least you get to say your own goodbye. 😉
May we all find peace, huh?
Famous Last Words
Thank you to -little-ghost, who contributed lots to our community.
Banner image by Alice Sees You on Unsplash, sincere thanks.
Special thank you to all the folks behind the SLOWLY app.
Letters we share, with pen pals all over the world. A modern day take in the traditional penpal experience. Come and join us, using SLOWLY.
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@friends-near-and-afar-letters-we-share@wordsmith.social
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yann2@bsky.social