When pen friends don’t work : Ghosting Part 2
Feeling the urge to Ghost someone ?
Nowadays ghosting is a common experience for most SLOWLY users, as things are getting worse it seems. New users have reported their despair with this.
My friend and penpal -little-ghost had lots of good ideas and wrote some excellent topics on our sub-Reddit for the SLOWLY app.
While sadly their account at Reddit has been deleted, various important User Tips posts they made have been preserved – and I thought they deserved to appear in a Blog format. So, here is the third one.
If you missed it, we also have their Tips For Creating The Perfect About Me. And the When Pen Friends Don’t Work Out | Ghosting Part 1 article too.
When Pen Friends Don’t Work Out | Ghosting Part 2
Guest Author post by -little-ghost, original on Reddit here.
Filed on our Sub-Reddit under the User Tips Topics Flair.
Urges to Ghost
Though ghosts themselves don’t typically tend to speak up about their experiences, I feel as though I can safely bet there are people here who have ghosted a few times.
Most of us like to think that we’re good people, but we often brush past the fact that even with good intentions much harm can be done. Everyone’s morals differ, and what mightn’t hurt one person could damage the next.
So, if someone is reading this because they are having or have had urges to ghost- this one is for you.
First, let’s work out why…
Here are some reasons someone may want to ghost on Slowly, as well as some thoughts and questions I would recommend thinking about for each of them. I’m not going to cover every topic, as all experiences are different and I truly believe that in a few rare cases ghosting may even be the best option available for both parties.
Given that all experiences and people are different, remember to take these as you will.
1 – Your pen friend disinterests you
This one is a rough one, it is something that is noticed early on and yet also a little too late.
We all need time to process and understand our thoughts… but as soon as you realise you don’t feel connected to this person- stop acting. Stop pretending everything is okay, and don’t lead them on.
In your next letter, respond with direct honesty that meets kind and humble tones.
If you’ve appreciated their efforts- tell them. If you can’t see the two of you progressing far together- tell them. If you don’t believe the two of you are compatible- tell them.
Let them know you believe as much as it sucks, that this will be better for the long run so you can both find other pen friends that you are more compatible with. It isn’t going to do either of you any good to keep contact if you’re not happy doing so- it only leads to frustration which if you bottle up you will be more likely to ghost.
2 – You’ve grown distant, and don’t feel the same
Remind yourself that feelings don’t always last forever. All forms of relationships need work and effort to survive.
Why did you like this pen friend in the first place? Are those reasons worth holding onto, to push through this rough patch? Have you stopped putting in the same amount of effort you wish for them to reciprocate?
If you’ve found yourself stuck in an increasingly dull routine, do something spontaneous in the next letter to your pen friend. Re-read old letters, search for what has been lost.
You could even possibly just be too distracted in life to appreciate the companionship and effort your pen friend gives you, or if you’re worried that that is the path they are leading down- be honest. Tell them you care about them but you’re confused on what’s changed.
I have since created a topic on Keeping the Spark Alive here.
3 – Life is busy, or too emotional for you right now
You can send your pen friend a short letter (a short letter is better than no letter) describing that due to your current circumstances you are going to be inactive for quite some time. If you don’t know when or even if you will ever be back- let them know.
If you just need some time to yourself, I’m sure they will appreciate not being left in the dark. Communicating this to them also helps you, as if too much time passed and you never told them what was going on- you might resist contacting them again out of guilt- even if they were a good friend.
Apologise and leave a personalised thank you.
4 – You’re leaving Slowly
Though it may be easier to disappear- in the words of one of my favourite music artists “It’s bad to do what’s easy, just ‘cause it’s easy”.
If you have truly appreciated your pen friends, or even if you at least simply wish them well, write to them a kind farewell. It will be bittersweet, but appreciated I’m sure.
Good luck to all.
-little-ghost
And some great user replies followed.
Like this, the first reply to the post, from DioRemTW, which I requested permission to include here in full – very relevant. Thank you, friend!
“Not going to lie, I used to ghost a few years back. Not just in slowly, but in other online places as well. My ''logic'' was that I didn't want to hurt them by saying goodbye so I just leave.
But that's the point: disappearing without saying anything hurts. The other person will probably be wondering what did they do wrong. I didn't realize that until some day, a person I was chatting with for a few months that we really got along, blocked me. I still don't know what happened. I never said anything weird or rude, she didn't seem uncomfortable or a person who'd usually ghost... That's when I realized how much pain I've been causing and decided not to ghost again.
If any ''proud'' ghosters read me (yeah, there are people actually proud of ghosting and they share that information for some reason), don't forget that ghosting is the easy way out for you, in exchange for making a person feel like shit for weeks, months or even years. I know sometimes we feel overwhelmed, and need some time alone, but that's no excuse. Hurting someone shouldn't have an excuse. It takes courage to apologize after ghosting, or to come back, but if you consider yourself a good person you should do it.
No good person ghosts everyone until they're satisfied with them and jump to the next person.
I could be ranting over and over about ghosting because it's a topic that infuriates me, probably because I try to take online friendships seriously and most people online I've met use social media/apps like slowly as a secondary/disposable social life that they can just dump whenever it gets old, or using them whenever they're down or sad in real life, but as soon as things get back to normal, they just get rid of whoever they were talking to online.
I deeply apologize to whoever read this, I really didn't say much but well I already did it and it's too late to delete this haha.”
And also this one
From Complex-Bumblebee123, also published here with permission:
“Thank you and -little-ghost for this great post.
I think it is important to talk about the other side of ghosting. I never ghosted someone on Slowly but I ghosted a real-life friend several years ago.
My situation was similar to reason 3 in the blogpost. ('Life is busy, or too emotional for you right now')
I was in a bad place mentally and didn't want to talk about it with my friend. I felt embarrassed, like a failure and wanted to be alone. Instead of telling my friend that, I ghosted her. I thought about writing to her but the more time passed on, the guiltier I felt and always chickened out.
Much later, when I was in a good place mentally and finally had enough courage to contact her, she had changed her number and moved and I had no way to contact her. If I had let her know at the beginning that I wouldn't contact her for a while and why I could have possibly avoided this.
If you have the urge to ghost someone please consider what that can do to them and to yourself. Let them know that you will not contact them again and why. Be honest. It might seem hurtful to tell someone you don't enjoy talking to them but in the long term, it is always the kinder option.
This is why I have never ghosted someone since. Also, since I ghosted someone before I feel like I don't have the right to feel hurt when someone ghosts me.”
Famous Last Words
Thank you to -little-ghost, who contributed lots to our community.
Banner image by Christopher Campbell on Unsplash, sincere thanks.
Special thank you to all the folks behind the SLOWLY app.
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