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Waktu Ara di Jerman gak terasa udah memasuki dua bulan, besok kedua orang tua Yuno juga sudah terbang ke Jerman untuk menjenguk keadaan Yuno sekaligus menjemput Ara, jadi libur Yuno hari ini ingin Yuno dan Ara manfaatkan untuk jalan-jalan ke luar rumah, mereka sih niatnya enggak kepengen keluar jauh, selain udaranya cukup panas, besok pagi juga Yuno sudah harus kembali koas, Ara gak mau Suaminya itu kecapekan.

Pagi ini Ara udah sibuk banget di depan meja rias di kamar Yuno, sibuk memilih liptint mana yang cocok untuknya hari ini. dia cuma pakai midi dress berwarna putih dengan motif bunga sakura, di balut dengan cardigan berwarna kuning, ah enggak lupa Ara juga pakai bandana yang senada dengan cardigan miliknya.

Ara jarang banget dandan centil kaya gini, kalau kata Gita tuh. Dia lebih tertarik pakai pakaian yang simpel saja seperti jeans, hoodie, atau kaos biasa saja yang di balut dengan cardigan oversize. Tapi berhubung perutnya udah susah pakai jeans dan suasananya cocok untuk mengenakan midi dress jadilah Ara pakai midi dress.

“Sayang, udah belum?” tanya Yuno, Suaminya itu muncul dari balik pintu. tadi dia ada di ruang tengah sedang asik menonton televisi sembari makan sisa rujak yang kemarin Ara minta.

“Udah kok.” Ara senyum, dia puas banget sama hasil make up nya hari ini. Enggak menor dan enggak kelihatan kaya gak make up juga, pokoknya pas banget. Karena sering gabut di apartemen, Ara jadi banyak belajar teknik make up.

Ara berdiri dan memastikan penampilannya sudah rapih kemudian menghampiri Yuno, kalau Yuno sih cuma pakai kemeja dengan dalaman tanpa lengan, ia bahkan sengaja tidak mengancingi kemejanya dan celana pendek aja, toh mereka pergi enggak jauh hanya sepedahan kemudian memakan gelato di taman.

Begitu Ara menghampirinya Yuno senyum, agak sedikit salah tingkah karena Istrinya cantik banget ya walau hari-hari biasa Ara juga tetap cantik di mata Yuno kok.

“Kenapa kok senyum-senyum kaya gitu? ada yang aneh ya sama bajuku?” Ara mastiin penampilannya lagi, dia tuh kalau di liatin kaya gitu sama Yuno jadi mikir apa bajunya ada yang aneh atau berlebihan.

“Enggak papa, emang gak boleh senyum-senyum liatin Istri aku?” tanya Yuno.

“Ya boleh aja, aku pikir dandanan aku heboh banget padahal kita cuma mau sepedahan habis itu makan gelato.”

“Enggak kok, cantik, yuk jalan.” Yuno mengambil tangan Ara dan menggandengnya untuk keluar dari apartemen mereka.

keduanya turun dari lantai sepuluh apartemen Yuno berada, ada beberapa mahasiswa lain juga yang ikut turun di lift dan menyapa Yuno. teman-teman Yuno di apartemen ini emang kebanyakan orang asingnya lebih banyak berasal dari Asia Tenggara malahan, makanya enggak jarang Yuno suka bertegur sapa.

Kalau sama orang Jerman asli justru mereka jarang negur kalau enggak dekat-dekat banget. begitu sampai di parkiran sepeda, Ara senyum sumringah banget apalagi waktu liat sepeda yang boleh Yuno sewa itu. ada keranjang di depannya dan kursi penumpang di belakang yang tampak empuk sekali joknya.

Ah enggak lupa, Yuno membelikan Ara bunga yang sengaja ia taruh di keranjang sepedanya. Itu bunga lily yang indah dengan campuran warna kuning dan putih, Yuno sengaja membeli bunga lily meski Ara sangat menyukai bunga mawar. Menurutnya mawar lebih cocok di berikan saat mereka melakukan makan malam romantis.

“Untuk Istri aku yang paling cantik.” Yuno ngasih bucket berisi bunga lily itu ke Ara.

“Kok tumben beli lily?” Ara ambil bucket itu dan senyum, dia bukan enggak suka kok. Dia suka banget sama semua hal yang di kasih Yuno untuknya, dia cuma nanya gitu karena biasanya Yuno kasih bunga mawar ke dia.

“Ada artinya.”

“Apa?” Ara senyum, dia gak nyangka Yuno nyari tahu tentang arti bunga seperti ini.

“Bunga lily dengan warna putih dan kuning itu melambangkan kesucian, kepolosan, kegembiraan dan penuh syukur,” jelas Yuno. Dia nyari tahu banyak hal ini dari internet, meski lebih suka mengutarakan rasa sayangnya dengan perbuatan. Yuno juga ingin menunjukan rasa sayangnya melalui kata-kata.

Ara dulu itu pernah salah paham sama Yuno, dia pernah bilang sikap Yuno terkadang membuatnya bingung dan membuat Ara merasa jika Yuno tidak benar-benar mencintainya hanya karena Yuno jarang memberikan kata-kata yang manis untuknya, waktu itu Yuno cuma mikir, tanpa ia utarakan itu semua melalui kata-kata ia yakin Ara sudah tahu.

“Manis banget Suami aku, makasih yah, Mas.”

“Sama-sama sayangku.”

“Oh iya, Mas. kamu nyewa nya dimana sepedanya?, lucu warna nya pink gini.” bukanya naik Ara justru jalan mengitari sepedanya dulu, takjub banget karena sepedanya begitu manis karena berwana pink, warna kesukaan Ara banget kan.

“Aku bukan nyewa ke rental gitu sih sayang, aku nyewa punya pacarnya Josep inget gak teman sekolah bahasaku dulu?” Yuno berusaha ingatin Ara sama Josep, teman sekolah bahasanya dulu yang sekarang tinggal di Hamburg. cowok itu masuk salah satu universitas teknik yang ada di sana, sebelum pindah ke Heidelberg Yuno itu pernah sekolah bahasa di Berlin.

“Ingat, jadi ini punyanya Alice?” Ara pernah ketemu sekali sama Alice, pacarnya Josep itu emang orang Jerman asli dia enggak ketemu Josep di sekolah bahasa, melainkan Alice ini adalah tetangga Josep di apartemennya.

“Yup, dia sekarang ada di Heidelberg apartnya ada di dekat kampus aku. dia kebetulan lagi ambil S2 di kampus aku.”

“Kamu kok baru cerita?” biasanya Yuno tuh suka cerita tentang teman-temannya, waktu mereka LDR dan masih pacaran pun kaya gitu.

Makanya walau Ara enggak tahu banyak teman Yuno di Jerman secara langsung tapi dia tahu nama-namanya, ya Yuno juga gitu sih. tapi teman Ara di kampusnya juga kebanyakan teman dari SMA nya.

“Baru sempat sayang, yuk. nanti keburu panas.”

Mereka berdua naik sepeda mengelilingi jalanan Heidelberg yang pagi itu lumayan ramai, banyak orang-orang yang menikmati waktu musim panas dengan berjalan-jalan, di atas sepeda sembari berpegangan dengan pinggang Yuno, Ara sempat videoin jalanan sekitar, dia juga sempat videoin Yuno dengan ekspresi konyolnya itu.

Selama dua bulan di Jerman baru hari ini Ara dan Yuno keluar rumah berdua kaya gini, biasanya tuh lebih banyak Yuno yang keluar buat koas, belanja atau nyari makanan yang lagi Istrinya itu kepengin. ya walau kadang hal itu juga yang cukup bikin kepala Yuno berdenyut nyeri, karena kadang makanan yang Ara minta itu susah banget di dapatin. Ara tuh lebih banyak ngidam makanan Indonesia terutama rujak, sementara di Heidelberg itu makanan Indonesia jarang banget kalau pun ada itu pun cuma makanan sekelas soto ayam, bakso, pecel ayam, atau nasi Padang.

Yuno memberhentikan sepeda nya di depan sebuah kedai gelato yang cukup ramai, yup, antrean yang cukup panjang itu membuktikan kalau rasa gelato di kedai itu memang enak. Ini kedua kalinya Ara makan gelato di tempat itu, sebelumnya Ara pernah mencicipinya waktu mereka pacaran tapi saat musim dingin.

“Kamu duduk di sini sebentar ya, aku aja yang antre, kamu mau rasa apa?” Yuno narik salah satu kursi di sana buat Ara duduk, dia takut Ara capek karena duduk di kursi sepeda.

“Mau rasa strawberry aja kayanya, Mas.”

Yuno mengangguk, “udah itu aja?”

“Iya itu aja.”

baru saja Ara mau mengeluarkan ponselnya untuk foto-foto keadaan sekitar tapi Yuno yang tadinya sudah mengantre itu kembali lagi ke meja mereka dan bikin Ara bingung, “kenapa, Mas? ada yang ketinggalan?

“Enggak, sayang kaki kamu pegal gak? kalau pegal nanti kita naik taksi aja, aku takut kamu enggak nyaman atau pegal naik sepeda.”

mendengar ucapan itu hati Ara menghangat, Yuno kembali ke meja mereka hanya ingin memastikan jika ia baik-baik saja. Yuno benar-benar sayang dan seperduli itu dengan Istrinya, memang semenjak menikah Yuno selalu memprioritaskan Ara di banding dirinya sendiri. hal itu juga yang memberatkan Yuno ketika sadar dia enggak bisa selalu di samping Istrinya itu karena harus menyelesaikan study nya.

Ara terkekeh, lucu karena muka Yuno yang tampak khawatir tapi juga terdengar manis di telinganya, “enggak, Mas. aku gapapa kok, malahan sepedanya tuh nyaman banget jok nya juga empuk, aku tuh lagi nikmatin banget tau udaranya walau angin nya lumayan kencang.”

“Bener?” tanya Yuno memastikan lagi.

“Yup.”

Yuno mengangguk, “Yaudah kalau gitu aku antre lagi yah.” sebelum pergi mengantre, Yuno mengusap pucuk kepala Ara dengan gemas.

Ara yang nunggu Yuno antre gelato buat mereka berdua akhirnya cuma mainin ponselnya aja, dia juga sempat foto Suaminya itu dari jauh dan bikin story di akun sosial media miliknya.

Setelah mendapatkan dua gelato mereka berdua jalan pelan-pelan ke taman yang tidak jauh dari kedai gelato nya. dulu waktu Ara pertama kali ke Jerman dia gak di ajak Yuno ke taman Neckarwiese karena saat itu memang sedang musim dingin, jadi mereka cuma jalan-jalan ke sekitaran kastil dan sungi Neckar saja.

Di taman itu cukup ramai, banyak anak-anak sampai orang lansia yang menikmati indahnya cuaca hari itu, Ara baru tahu kalau disekitaran taman ada orang yang berjualan juga. mulai jualan roti, ice cream, pizza, hotdog sampai buah-buahan. tamannya indah dengan aliran sungai yang cukup tenang dan burung-burung yang berterbangan.

Ara dan Yuno memilih untuk duduk di hamparan rumput dengan alas seadanya yang Yuno bawa di keranjang sepeda mereka. Sembari memakan gelato, Yuno yang merasa gerah itu membuka kemeja yang ia pakai dan menyampirkannya di bahu nya saja.

“Mas, pakai bajunya ih.” Ara ambil kemeja milik Yuno itu dan memberikannya ke Suaminya itu untuk di pakai.

“Gerah sayang, nanti kalau udah pulang aku pakai lagi.”

“Ish kamu mah.” Ara cemberut. Sebel banget kalau Yuno udah pamer-pamer badan kaya gini.

“Sayang banget yah aku waktu ke sini malah pas winter, jadi enggak bisa main-main ke taman deh,” gumam Ara sembari makan gelato nya, main di taman dengan suasana seperti ini tuh bikin Ara ngerasa dia lagi ada di negeri dongeng deh. soalnya memang benar-benar terlihat fairytale banget.

“Tapi kan sekarang udah aku ajak sayang, bonus bertiga sama Hana pula.” Yuno terkekeh.

“Kalau nanti Hana udah lahir kita ke sini lagi yuk, Mas?” Ara menoleh ke arah Yuno bayangin mereka bisa piknik seperti ini lagi sama anak mereka kelak tuh bikin hati Ara menghangat banget rasanya.

“Pasti, nanti aku ajak kamu ke sini lagi ya. Nanti kita piknik yang lebih niat lagi, bawa makanan sama main layangan juga kayanya asik deh.” mereka tuh emang enggak niat buat piknik, cuma mau jalan-jalan keliling aja makan gelato dan makan siang di luar.

Ara mengangguk, mereka sempat mengambil foto berdua dan bergantian. sembari memotret Ara, Yuno diam-diam jadi kepikiran soal dirinya yang masih merintis karir dan menyelesaikan study nya, kadang ada dimana Yuno malu sama Ara karena Istrinya itu sudah punya penghasilan sendiri.

Ada lebih mandiri darinya, bahkan Ara sudah punya penghasilan sendiri sejak kuliah. Penghasilan yang dia dapat dari endorse dan menjadi model brand make up, selain itu Ara juga pandai mengelola keuangannya. Bahkan Ara daftar S2 kuliahnya itu pakai biayanya sendiri.

“Sayang?” panggil Yuno yang membuat Ara menoleh ke arahnya, tadi dia sedang melihat-lihat hasil foto mereka.

“Kenapa, Mas?”

“Kamu pernah malu gak karena aku belum punya penghasilan sendiri?” Yuno mengecilkan suaranya, andai dia di beri kesempatan untuk mengambil pekerjaan paruh waktu mungkin Yuno enggak akan menyia-nyiakan kesempatan itu.

“Kok Mas nanya kaya gitu?” Ara cuma heran aja kenapa tiba-tiba Yuno nanya kaya gitu, ya Ara tahu kok Yuno belum punya penghasilan sendiri. dan Yuno menafkahinya juga dari orang tua nya, dari uang saku yang Yuno terima dan di bagi dua untuknya juga.

“Gapapa, aku kadang suka malu aja sama kamu. kamu Istri aku, udah punya penghasilan sendiri lebih besar dari aku pula. Aku kayanya lagi malu aja karna nafkahin kamu dari uang saku yang Papa dan Mama kasih ke aku. Aku bukan anak yang mandiri.” Yuno nunduk dan terkekeh menertawakan dirinya, Yuno ngerasa pecundang banget.

Ara senyum, dia naruh mangkuk gelato miliknya dan meluk Yuno dari samping, Suaminya itu sedang tidak merasa percaya diri sekarang. “Aku enggak pernah malu kok, aku paham kamu masih ngelanjutin study kamu, aku bisa ngerti itu. aku justru bangga sama kamu.”

“Bangga?”

Ara mengangguk, “iya bangga, soalnya kamu udah ngorbanin cita-cita kamu demi jadi dokter kaya yang orang tua kamu mau, kamu udah kuat banget bertahan sampai sekarang ini, yang aku tau pasti itu semua gak mudah, kamu sendirian di negeri orang, belajar keras banget sampai bisa kaya sekarang ini.”

“Mas, semua yang Papa dan Mama kasih untuk kamu itu nanti akan terbayarkan sama pengabdian kamu. Mereka naruh harapan besar di pundak kamu supaya kamu bisa mengelola rumah sakit kelak, aku mungkin kalau jadi kamu enggak sanggup deh.”

Ara gak pernah merasa malu sama sekali sama Suaminya itu, Ara tahu hidup sebagai Yuno itu enggak mudah, baginya rezeki itu bisa di cari sama-sama dan Ara pun sama sekali enggak merasa keberatan harus nemenin Yuno sampai jadi dokter. Dia mau jadi wanita yang ada di balik kesuksesan Suaminya.

Mendengar hal itu bikin perasaan gak percaya diri Yuno itu hilang, perasaanya lega dan enggak ada hentinya dia bersyukur karena bisa memiliki Ara yang nerima dia apa adanya. Ara udah banyak ngalah dan sabar buat hubungan mereka, kadang Yuno mikir, kalau bukan bersama Ara pasti perempuan lain pun enggak akan bertahan di situasi seperti ini.

“Makasih yah, sayang. Tuhan tuh beneran baik banget udah kasih kamu di hidup aku.” Yuno meluk Ara gemas dan cium kening Istrinya itu.

“Gombal yah kamu?”

“Enak aja, aku tuh serius tau!” karena gemas akhirnya Yuno maju buat nyium bibir Istrinya itu, namun Ara memilih menghindar karena dia malu banget ada beberapa lansia yang melihat ke arah mereka walau sambil tersenyum. Lagi pula banyak anak kecil juga, walau ada beberapa pasangan juga di sana.

“Mas, ih malu tau!!” pekik Ara.

“Biarin, orang kamu Istri aku juga.”

“Tapi kan mereka enggak tahu. Kalau kita di sangka pasangan mesum gimana?” Ara melirik ke sekitar dengan semburat merah di pipinya.

“She's my wife!!” teriak Yuno yang bikin Ara mencubit pinggang Suaminya itu dengan gemas.

“Mas!!” rajuk Ara.

“Itu sekarang mereka udah tahu kamu Istri aku.”

Whinges to follow.

I had no department induction because “I'm not new to the department”

tasked to do pre-op assessments, told I could do some e-learning, having had zero feedback I hope the day anaesthetists enjoyed my shitty assessments with loads of detail (apart from where teeth are, what's up with that)

wanting to be involved with cases, but not even knowing there were cases overnight until I stumbled across them... please. I will cannulate and art line whoever. Anyone.

and emergency medicine, ie my parent specialty, constantly being slated

I get it, my regs have to scope me out, as do I, but I was expecting more. to find things difficult because there were lots of new skills to learn and the intensity of the work, not the constant defense of my specialty and my place on the team and asking permission to do simple things

(my supervisor and I talked about belonging, early on this year. ED recognises (kinda) me as one of its own – that I'll be coming back to them eventually. the tendency on ICU and theatres is: anaesthetics trainees are a known quantity – the favourite children – and most of the seniors know exactly what they need from training. most of the seniors don't know what signoffs ED trainees need, don't think much of EM as a specialty anyway, and keep saying “you're not going to use it anyway”, as if that precluded actually training a trainee)

#anaesthetics

There's something rather satisfying about being one of the many sets of hands to stabilise someone really unwell on ICU.

“Did you save any lives this week?” my parents often ask. Well, not directly. It's unlikely any one thing I do directly saves someone's life definitively. The seniors might, by spotting a pattern in a critically unwell patient and acting promptly. The nurses might, by actually giving the treatments and – well, good nursing care goes a long, long way.

Did I save any lives this week? Not directly. Not dramatically. But I did put in the lines to allow for lifesaving renal replacement and vasopressors, I guess. I did keep things safe as much as I could (prescribing, handovers, making sure there were good senior plans for important things). And if that sounds like working on a regular medical ward, then yes, it is! The stakes tend to be a little higher (if you don't fix the problem, that's it – you can't escalate to anyone else. (Transfers don't count)

It's changeover week, and I leave having learned so much, done quite a lot, and received overwhelming kindness from unexpected corners.

#ICU #reflections

Me fazendo de advogado do diabo aqui nessa rede, mas vamos lá... Isso não é necessariamente uma resposta ao conteúdo que eu li nesse post aqui: https://alineonline.bearblog.dev/eu-queria-uma-nova-rede-soci-ah-nao/, mas vamos tentar nos basear nele para tirarmos algumas conclusões.

Primeiramente: qual o objetivo de uma rede social? De verdade, destrinchando o termo, é encontrar pessoas através de uma rede, ou seja, se conectar com elas, se conectar com os seus interesses e com as coisas que estas mesmas pessoas gostam. Isso é o intuito de uma rede social, em essência.

Convenhamos que, o fediverso em geral, é uma plataforma muito útil, cheia de propósitos lindos, mas falha na questão da usabilidade e, justamente, na questão de conectar pessoas. Tomemos a instância do mastodon.social como exemplo. Nela, podemos encontrar muitas pessoas, de muitos lugares e montar, minimamente, uma rede de contatos. É divertido conhecer outras culturas e tentar se aventurar num inglês ou coreano. Uma das coisas que as redes não federadas não nos estimula, dado seus algoritmos super restritivos. Mas e as pessoas conhecidas? E a sua tia, seu primo, seu colega da escola, da faculdade, um artista famoso? Não se acha nem um pseudônimo tamanho o desconhecimento das pessoas com relação a ela (a rede).

Isso porque estou falando de uma plataforma “conhecida”, com vários contatos entre outras instâncias, mas e aquelas mais nichadas? Com propósitos e ferramentas tão próprias entre elas, que nem deixam as pessoas entrarem, nem dão a possibilidade das pessoas conhecerem outras. É um inferno! Não me lembro quantas vezes já desfiz algumas contas justamente porque ficou tão enjoativo, só um mesmo tema, com as mesmas pessoas... Enfim, não quero me alongar mais nessa parte.

Essa complexidade entre os temas, entre as redes, afasta e deixa mais difícil ainda a adaptação dos novos usuários à ferramenta. Imagine você ter que explicar para sua mãe, uma senhora, que terá de fazer uma conta numa rede “a”, mas o artista que ela gosta está na rede “b” e que, agora, para ela se conectar com ele, terá de fazer uma migração, exportando os dados de uma rede para outra. No mínimo, ela vai perguntar: “Mas não é tudo Mastodon?”. E você terá de responder: “Não, mas são instâncias diferentes...”. Até lá, ela já voltou para o X.

Entendem como é complicado? Ainda mais para o grande público que não tem afinidade com tecnologia. Não importa você falar que “é igual ao e-mail, com várias contas diferentes”. No primeiro momento que a pessoa não conseguir achar alguém, seja porque não está na mesma rede que ela ou porque os nomes de usuário parecem grandes demais, elas irão partir. A natureza tende ao menor ponto de energia.

Aí está o sucesso das grandes corporações. Das nazistas às fascistas. Elas tem o poder da grande massa. E, aliás, todo o poder para chamar mais pessoas. Mas e a privacidade? Mas e a venda de dados? Amigos, se considere sortudo se encontrar alguém que saiba, minimamente, o que é um dado. E a importância dele.

As postagens abaixo, do dia 23 de janeiro de 2025, são referentes ao blog que tenho no Tumblr e pretendo descontinuar. As datas não são precisas, mas são postagens dentre os anos de 2023 e 2024. Nada mais a compartilhar sobre elas. Estarei postando só aqui, agora.

Hoje, teremos apenas sentimentos sobre o que eu vejo por aqui. Hoje, serei direto e falarei para aqueles que amam, que sofrem por amor, que amam amar...

Gente, uma mensagem: amar é difícil. Amar é complicado e exige tempo, exige respeito, exige um monte de coisa além do simples sentimento de amar. Amar, por amar, é fácil. Amar, por completo, e dificílimo.

Suas palavras são válidas. Seus amores doem e isso é algo que vocês devem saber. Antes de ir no profundo lago do amor, saibam que vocês precisaram de oxigênio.

Não sei o que está acontecendo. Acho que nunca vou saber, na realidade. O ano de 2024 está sendo um ano cheio de realizações e, como o título desse post sugere, mudanças.

De todas as coisas que eu achava que poderia acontecer, ser pai não estava no meu escopo. Não que eu estivesse fazendo alguma coisa para me proteger, longe disso, mas acho que é daquele tipo de notícia que ninguém nunca está muito pronto para receber. Óbvio que, sem sombra de dúvidas, essa é a notícia mais feliz da minha vida, tanto por conta da nossa rotina/desafio quando pelo milagre por conta da minha cirurgia, mas mesmo assim me sinto ansioso com essa nova colocação.

Pai. Nunca me vi assim. Para ser bem sincero, nunca nem me vi com tantas responsabilidades quanto essa, mas agora, literalmente do dia para noite, tenho que arcar com todos os pesos de ser pai. De ser referência para uma outra pessoa, assim como o meu próprio pai é pra mim. Não é algo que, pelo menos para mim, se planeja. Um ser tão complexo e desenvolvido, com as suas próprias inseguranças, ansiedades, medos, sonhos, feitos... tudo isso se apoiando na minha figura. Eu estou longe de ser perfeito, eu não deveria ser esse tipo de exemplo.

De qualquer forma, creio que essa última parte tenha sido mais a minha ansiedade falando. Não sou o tipo de pessoa que se olha e se pensa “nossa, que ser humano horrível”, mas mesmo assim acho que ainda tenho que trabalhar essa minha parte.

Meu casamento é agora dia 26. Tudo mudou. Antes o foco ainda fosse os gastos com o casamento. Enfim, acho que a partir daqui eu vou falar merda e não estou nem um pouco afim de ter que me explicar depois.

Só quero que saibam que eu estou muito feliz com essa notícia, só estou com um pouco de medo e ansiedade por não me sentir suficiente o bastante para outra pessoa.

Eu não sei, mas vocês também já perceberam que a internet, atualmente, tem se tornado um terreno que mata a criatividade? Faz um tempo que eu não vejo mais, pelo menos no mainstream, alguma parte da internet que nos permita ser o que queremos ser. No caso, ao menos personalizar a página inicial das nossas redes sociais.

Eu lembro quando existia o MySpace, o Twitter e até o Orkut onde eram comuns os perfis cheios de efeitos, cores e imagens da pessoa, coisas que mais do que as postagens, identificasse o usuário em meio a tanta gente.

Hoje em dia (e eu posso estar sendo preciosista aqui) perdemos isso, em prol do quê? Eu não sei, mas não acho que demorará muito até vermos redes sociais que nem a foto de perfil personalizar mais. Estranho...

He hit me and it felt like a kiss He hit me and I knew he loved me If he didn't care for me I could have never made him mad But he hit me and I was glad

A verse from a sickening love song? Confusing love with violence? Misogynist? Antifeminist? This song, “He Hit Me (And It Felt Like a Kiss)” was written by Carole King and (then husband) Gerry Goffin, and released in 1962. It was sung by the chart topper female singers of the era, the Crystals, and produced by Phil Spector—considered by some as one of the geniuses of the music industry. Was the song’s theme a reflection of its times, when there was less understanding about domestic violence? Not really. In fact, after the song was released and had gotten airplay, protests soon emerged causing the song to lose radio promotion. King herself later even declared her regret over her involvement in the song.

The idea of the song came from a conversation with the couple's babysitter, Little Eva, who became a singer and had a big, albeit brief, success with the song “The Loco-Motion” (which King and Goffin wrote for her the same year). King and Goffin realized that Little Eva (her real name, Eva Boyd) was being beaten by her boyfriend regularly. However, Eva believed that his violent actions toward her were an expression, and even proof, of his love for her, using the controversial phrase as she explained to King and Goffin; hence, the title and lyrics of the song.

As controversial as the phrase in the song is, other artists have covered the song. Notably, Hole has covered the song and performed it on MTV Unplugged in 1995, where lead singer, Courtney Love introduced the song as “a really sick song” (but Hole chose to cover it, I assume they have a deeper perspective about the song). At the end of the song, she sarcastically commented, “Nice feminist anthem.”

Still, I beg the question, is “He Hit Me” really a sick song?

Lana Del Rey used the line “He hit me and it felt like a kiss” in her 2014 song “Ultraviolence” (as a reference to the song, as she typically references lines from other songs). This has brought some vicious criticism, accusing her of glamorizing domestic violence and setting women back hundreds of years. In response, Del Rey stated, “I’ve been honest about the challenging relationships I’ve had. That’s just how it is for many women.” She also argued, “There has to be a place in feminism for women who look and act like me … the kind of women who get their own stories and voices taken away from them by stronger women or by men who hate women.”

However, Del Rey had said in an interview that she now omits the line during performances of ‘Ultraviolence’ for the reason that it could be triggering for survivors of abuse in the audience.

Still, I beg the question, is “He Hit Me” really a sick song? Was King and Goffin so distasteful in writing such a song? Is it Antifeminist? Was Del Rey using the controversial phrase to create a distorted image of violence against women?

Well, if we think about it, King and Goffin, just as Del Rey, were telling a story through their song by reflecting on a situation or experience, and revealed a snapshot of reality through their lyrics. Certainly, that’s what artists and writers do through their work. It does not always mean it is an endorsement, on the contrary, it can be a critique of society, as we know many artists and writers do this.

There should be a space for survivors to voice themselves, not a platform for others to dictate the narrative.

In reality, many women and survivors of gender-based violence have confusing emotions about what they are experiencing or have experienced because of the society that we are raised in, where women are treated like property; where ownership of the female in heterosexual relationships is romanticized as love.

I think the last verse of the song illustrates my point.

Yes, he hit me and it felt like a kiss He hit me and I knew I loved him And then he took me in his arms With all the tenderness there is And when he kissed me, he made me his

There should be a space for survivors to voice themselves, not a platform for others to dictate the narrative. We praise Gisèle Pelicot for owning the narrative and deconstructing the shame of rape. Nevertheless, empowerment is a complicated process. We cannot turn a blind eye on or shame and blame survivors for how they feel.

(Looks like this is my last post for 2024 on this blog, Happy New Year!)

-Some Thoughts from the Cappuccino Girl- (2024)

#music #gender

You might be interested to read: FEMICIDE: Crimes of Passion, Honor, and War

Image: Lana Del Rey by Nicole Nodland (theguardian.com, 2012)

(updated 2 January 2025)

Sources:

Taysom, Joe (2022) 'The controversial lyric Lana Del Rey now refuses to sing.' Far Out Magazine. https://faroutmagazine.co.uk/controversial-lyric-lana-del-rey-refuses-to-sing/ [Accessed 2 June 2024].

Wikipedia (2024) He Hit Me (And It Felt Like a Kiss) https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=He_Hit_Me_(And_It_Felt_Like_a_Kiss) [Accessed 31 December 2024].

Wikipedia (2024) Little Eva. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Little_Eva [Accessed 31 December 2024].

You look out the window.

It started with a crack. It is beautiful in its simplicity and overwhelming stupidity, its mounting insignificance and statistical improbability serving as a testament to its results. There are many others like it, though its inhabitants do not know this, and never will. But from your perspective, it stands apart from the rest.

You have seen many worlds of many origins, scattered in their space, time, and density. The overwhelming majority of them end up as inert rocks, ones of no particular use. Some manage to sustain the curse of life, and even fewer develop anything resembling consciousness or intelligence. Even then, intelligence alone is not particularly remarkable. Perception is not exciting to you. Even to communicate is not exceptional, though the resultant obfuscation begins to make Concepts a bit chewier. It causes Understandings to be lost and improperly relayed.

But this world is unique in a way you have not yet detected. Even now, its dangerous gravity begins to draw you in, changing you. Among all worlds, there is something about your own that nobody has been able to replicate, a gift you had assumed was for you and for you alone.

You call it lying.

It is a form of intentional obfuscation, one that diverges from reality deliberately in order to serve some other end. For you, it is generally avoided in order to sidestep as much ambiguity as possible. But this civilization is creating lies for the purposes of entertainment, ones that are not meant to mislead, but to suspend disbelief. You call these lies stories, and they are some of the most dense Concepts you have ever seen. Their genesis is that of an endless wealth of Culture.

Most worlds never progress beyond telling their own histories, living endlessly in a feedback loop of lost Understanding. Some worlds manage to transcribe those histories, thereby lessening this loss. This world, however, is creating genesis points with alarming regularity. They have told many stories, and some are more prevalent than others, varying in their density.

You ponder on this fact for some time, noting the way the landscape looks. When you gaze upon the blueness out of the window, you notice there is green and brown, covered in specks of bright light. They clump together to make lands where the stories' genesis points lie. But some of these stories do not have greens or browns! Some have entirely separate things from these masses, forming speculation so great that you would call it hearsay.

You concentrate too hard. Your perspective shifts. The walls are closing in on you. Your thoughts flow around every remaining bit of you. They are coming to dissolve you whole, replacing you briefly with another.

---

You are an old god; a foreign concept, but one of great power. You see differently from the new gods. The new gods withhold understandings in fear from their creation: the mortals, ones that can decay. You wish for these Understandings to be known, spread without consequence. You steal them, and create Culture for the masses; a set of Understandings so basic they could be shared. But the new gods are unhappy. You are bound to eternal torment, an endless cycle of subsumption and decay.

---

You live with another being. It is smaller, hairier, and brown. You desperately wished to leave where you are, to create a new world of your own. A calamity whisks you away to a world of fantasy and magic. You yearn to go home. You meet with a wish granter. You return to who and where you were.

---

You are touched by a creature from beyond. It shifts your perspective, your mind, your flesh. You cannot understand it, and it cannot understand you. You see it everywhere, in patterns, in antipatterns. You are driven mad.

---

You are touched by a force you do not understand. It does not speak your language, and there is no recontextualization. You are able to decipher it, gradually. You will begin to see your offspring, their life, their world. You remember when they will be older.

---

You are trapped in your place of residence. You play a game. The game is concerned with stories. The game is not concerned with you. The game ends your world. You become a story, an heir to a fate that has been determined for you. You are no longer what you were.

---

You SNAP! back to the ship's interior, orienting yourself. Another being is there, next to you, her form and speech seeming to comfort you, though you are far too removed from this reality to be able to understand her. The walls expand back around you, and you remember that this is where you belong. It's simply that you've never encountered this density, this richness. It could last you, and all others, many, many ticks to come.

...Much of it has the consistency of a thick paste. Some parts are much more tantalizing than others, and others are barely even visible to you. They are mere fragments of Concepts, nothing that could ever see the Ocean's grace. You cannot even imagine what impact these discoveries might have. Entire communities could be built and sustained on this, bringing life that you cannot even fathom. At no cost!

These thoughts of revolution bring you back, and you hear a voice from a distance. “...are you doing okay???”, it says.

There is a pause. “i know this isnt the best moment but youre going to have to get up at some point”, it says, causing you to turn away from the window. The entity in front of you does not cohere. It lets out a tenebrous grinding noise, as you see its history much like you saw the history of what was before you: fuzzy orange, slimy black, effervescent green...

It feels like static. It is changing too quickly. You cannot make sense of it. A maw emerges from the rapidly oscillating form, and speaks thus: “buddy you look like youre coated in shit how hard am i gonna have to YELL“

---

Supplicated to the fawn Fold back my pajama sleeves Take a look at what I have done You can protect nothing – Gray Death, by Xiu Xiu

He's dreaming about places he's never been again. Marka wakes up from his terrible, deeply pretentious nightmare, and he has no idea what it could mean. It's the kind of thing that shakes someone to their core, though it's far easier to just look at him for evidence of that. His place of respite is completely singed, like someone actively tried to commit arson in here but gave up halfway through because it wasn't worth it. Don't you hate it when your partner ends up damaging the fabric of reality, and it's on you to hold her accountable? It's one of the great dilemmas, and absolutely everyone has been in that position at least once. If you haven't, have you ever truly loved? Love is an act of violence, after all. To entertain otherwise would be a farce. But the wanting for reconciliation only comes in waves. Marka is far, far more concerned with the gravity of the situation he has faced. Though at present, he's mostly concerned with the weird gray thing directly in front of him. The one that just slapped him. “sorry for hitting you in the... whatever that is, but youve been out for ages and at this point its overtly concerning for whatever sorry saps actually bother to talk to you”, Elsie says, hovering over his sight. The down-force from their wings is putting out the residual scorching caused by his intense emotions. “...What do you want.”, Marka replies. “isnt it obvious? i want to see if youre going to talk about it“ “About what?“ “your meeting“ “Which meeting? I have plenty of meetings. I am very busy.“ “if i were to itemize everything youve done over the past tick then im pretty sure youd know what meeting im talking about“ “Use your words, please? I refuse to let these things stay implied.“ “with?????? the?????????? arbiter?????????????“ Marka's eyes squint. “Right. That meeting. I see. It was perfectly acceptable, and I will carry out my duties as expected of me.“ “you dont really have a face but i can read your emotions better than THAT, you know“ “...I am going to do exactly what is asked. Simple as. Do you want to be written up?“ “you know you wont do that“ “Entering the office of a superior officer without prior approval. Aiding and abetting the violation of the Ultimate Law—“ “i was off that damn link before anything happened and the plan wasnt to do anything that amry did. that much is clear and sekris nothing more than collateral. furthermore youre my friend and you havent been seen around at all, someone official would have been sent here to check that you didnt do some pirouette into insanity if it wasnt me”, Elsie says, tensing their posture. They slow the flapping of their wings before moving to stand next to Marka, their arms folded. “you dont have shit on me and if you did you couldnt prove it“ “No need to be so aggressive. I was joking.“ “well suffice it to say, given the subject matter of that meeting and the alert i just got, im not especially up for jokes right now“ “...Right. Well. I have that manual you wanted, and the necessary resources.“ “oh?”, Elsie says. He's changing the conversation topic. Whatever. They needed this anyways, it's half of why they're here. The poor PEAR ]['s probably about to power off for its last time. They're surprised it turned on at all, honestly. “This is going to sound very silly, but the requisite resource is merely copper. While organic resources are often not seen frequently, the recent influx of now-subsumed Concepts leaves some of their components available.“ “...can i have it?“ “What are friends for.“

Marka's room, which is finally visible, provides some context for this interaction. The space is coated in stars, hats, wands, and robes, the traditional signifiers of a budding magician. Or more specifically a phony magician – while different foreign bodies regard different things as magic, the notions of stage magic and party tricks always seems to be a universal constant. Although foreign concepts tend not to be preserved on an individual level, Marka has a few artifacts from other spacetimes. His information wells – books, primarily – tend to be largely grandiose works of fiction provided from elsewhere, involving whatever fictional creature said culture wished to document. Fiction is, of course, relative, but many of these beings are outlandish vampires, goblins, or ghouls, whose relative frequency is low in the cultures of foreign bodies. In stark contrast are various procedurals from Culture votes past – not for his job, but for keeping track of changes. He's become slightly neurotic lately about keeping track – things keep slipping between the cracks from his perspective, and if his dreams are any indicator, something's in need of thorough analysis. The rest of the room is empty. Alarmingly, it's just books, a place of respite, and cloaks and capes that few are allowed to see. He's always been like this, attempting intense minimalism except for things that captivate him. That, combined with his intense expressiveness in his (rare) emotions, make him the poster child for Cognis's mandatory autism awareness seminars: Build an Inclusive Department, Now!, Accommodating Parenthetical Divergence, and Concept-First Language: a Primer, to name a few. But the aforementioned barren bookshelf also has two objects on it, next to some well-read books stacked cleanly. There's a container full of copper wire, and there's some printouts on dot-matrix paper in a language Marka can't even read, but Elsie should be able to. “The machine for digital recontextualization would not work on this sample, so I had this tailored to your present form.”, Marka says, picking up the things and placing them in Elsie's hands uncomfortably. “Whatever you had here, it was very dated, likely before our time. Frankly, it is impressive that the machine's language is workable for you.“ “why wouldnt digitization work?“ “When I say before our time, I mean that this manual was created before the advent of recontextualization. To put it through that procedure would necessarily lose some important information, and to explain exactly why would be a breach of my security protocols. I could lose everything.“ “... you werent kidding huh“ “Believe me when I say that I would not be able to get this to you had I done the work after my meeting.“ “im surprised that youre willing to give me restricted anything“ “...Yeah, well.“ “...here, lets go on a walk. you need to clean up anyways”, Elsie says. “Yeah, well” isn't exactly the type of thing that Marka says, and at this point... well, despite their predilections about recent events, they still care about the guy. They figure he should probably get out of this desolate living space.

The two of them meander through the halls of Cognis. The diversity of forms around them is difficult to describe. Marka notes one that looks somewhat like Amry's new form, but... blue, and pointier. He looks up, and one walks on the ceiling, suction cups adhering to it, and he wonders why someone would bother to do that. The suction cups aren't even... part of the form. It's just a quadruped form with suction cups. More importantly, they're looking straight at him. The diversity of forms here makes it very, very difficult to truly stand out. If everyone's weird looking, nobody's weird looking. Unfortunately, though, Marka's special now. He's gained an uncomfortable amount of notoriety, solely because he requested an audience with the Arbiter and received one. Idle workplace chatter now centers around Marka and what he's up to. There's a specific way that they tend to look or talk about him. As he goes about his business, idle gazes tend to snap to him as if by routine. A bewildered look often manifests, one that seemingly indicates something worth noting about his form or manner. But once Marka's gaze meets theirs, they seem to flinch, as if scanning the room to orient oneself or doing anything other than what they're doing in this moment. Nobody ever wants to admit to their usage of spectacle. Neither does the suction cup weirdo, either, their gaze moving to focus on their grip on the ceiling. Marka wishes, briefly, that someone would just tell him exactly how they felt about him. No codes, no keys, just a plain talk. Relatedly, he thinks back to his meeting with the Arbiter, and all he recalls is noise carved from silence. The memory barely even serves as anything more than a placard for “something happened here”, like a pointer to an unaddressed part of his memory. He does, however, manage to recall the message I forgot to include that was sent out following that meeting, though:

dearest faithful,

i am well aware of the shock of hearing my cognition broadcasted directly, but let it be thus: a grave misdeed has occurred, and it will come as an unfortunate surprise to many. alas, her emptiness has committed a tragic action, one not in accordance with the collective whims we uphold. her understandings have become MALIGNED with the ultimate law. she has subsumed an overload-class entity, and thereby touched the fruit of life. but worry not, faithful, for she will face imminent JUSTICE, regardless of said subsumption. it is not my wish for this to occur, but ostensibly, it is hers by her own actions... and what am i if not an upholder of the codes :)

yours, ARBITER

...and it shakes him to his core as he almost floats straight into a wall. Elsie, holding in a facepalm, speaks up. “you doing okay bud“ “Where are we going, anyway?”, Marka says. “well, away from here. the intention was to meander but the larvae get out of training soon and so its probably not best to stay here“ Marka looks around him, orienting himself in the space. There is grey, and green, and brown, and yellow. Portraits of various larvae litter the walls, as if some kind of hall of fame, or recognition for some grand achievement in one's training. He, of course, made the bill long ago, but he can't remember what the actual achievement he earned is called. Whatever. He remembers the halls around him, and the time he spent here, and... no, don't think about that. Walking. Getting your mind off it. That's what you're doing. “...im just gonna start moving if you feel like becoming vaguely catatonic”, Elsie says. “Right. Following.“ The two leave the area, doors closing around them, and go up a nearby set of stairs to a clear bridge overlooking a large crossing. The design is minimal, and it is possible to observe those walking under you. On the other side of the overpass is a locked door. Elsie leans over the railing slightly, resting their arms on the shiny, grey frame. They stare down at the forms crossing below, a veritable rainbow of miscellaneous Concepts making their way to their destinations. They see all varieties and numbers of limbs, faces and their lack thereof, distributed consciousnesses, and some abstract notions reified into shapes. “I thought we were walking. There is nowhere to go but down from here.”, Marka says, not noticing the aptitude of his own words. He looks down. He keeps getting looked at, though nobody can hear him. It makes him uncomfortable. “i just go here to think sometimes. theres parts of cognis that nobody can access behind that door im pretty sure”, Elsie says. “it makes me think about those who came before us“ “Why would you want to think about that?“ “what were they even like? were they anything like us?“ “...If you are having a crisis of servitude, I can refer you to-“ “no, gdmmt!!! urgh why are you so endlessly like this“ Marka skulks up. “I am in no position to talk, I suppose. For once, I am the one who needs help.“ “ive been helping you through this stuff forever, or did you forget. its not even the first time weve been up here“ “Well, I appreciate that, even though I may not recollect it in the moment.“ “...right.“ “...So how are things for you?“ “im well“ “Good, good. Good to hear.“ “im glad to see youre well as well, at least relatively speaking“ “Yes.“ “its so many wells that the word well no longer seems to carry any meaning“ “That's called semantic satiation.“ “yeah”, Elsie says, sighing. Now, above all else, they're ever-present in their form. They can feel everything in their body tense up at once. It's a shame that their current form feels emotions not merely in the Concept, but the form itself as well. They can't hold it in anymore. They feel like they're about to pop, as if a firecracker whose fuse is sputtering after an attempt to put it out. The fuse flickers, and there is a crack. “did it feel good, marka”, Elsie says, in the most foreboding tone they can muster. “Did what feel good?“ “reporting your partner and letting her decay“ Marka, taken aback by the question, makes his first move. “You-“ “me! thats correct, im the one posing the question, now will you explain your rationale before i take what i need and treat you like a hostile“ “Are all of your supposed helps this confrontational?“ “are you ever going to internalize anything i say?“ “Do you expect me to simply disregard protocol? If it was that simple, I am certain that everyone would do it. I had no choice in the matter.”, Marka says, his flames seeming to simultaneously retreat and grow in fervor. “id expect that youd have some kind of chickenshit explanation like that“ “Where did this hostility suddenly manifest from?“ “i dont know, when did you begin to think that the whims were more important than anyone“ “They are.“ “well marka i guess that answers my question, doesnt it. my main problem lies in acting like you have no choice in the matter“ “What else would you have done?”, Marka says, his fear converted to anger, flames manifesting greater and greater before stifling his emotions to avoid a scene. “look over there”, Elsie says, pointing at a random form in the crowd with purple legs for arms. “how many impossibly terrible crimes do you think theyve committed, by the whims“ “...What?“ “marka i want you to look at them and give me a number“ “Do you always repeat names when you are confrontational? Besides, I am an adherent, but not an enforcer.“ “then why are you acting like one?“ “Because I am required to.“ “let me lay out the facts for you, because i want you to hear them in extensive detail, since you cant even recall our meeting here last“ “Fine. Such is.“ “so you returned from the inclinosphere, and you open up the coordinates you sent yourself. theres nothing there“ “Correct.“ “you go track down amrys concept and you see the same form there“ “Correct.“ “you pull strings in order to get a meeting with the arbiter, a thing nobody has done in ages, and using the obvious syllogism, report that your partner has consumed this overload class entity you were hoping to use for your work“ “Correct.”, Marka says, straining. “you get back from the meeting and start acting like this is avoidable and haunting, like theres just nothing that could be done, like youre some poor little meow meow hunting for your first chance to exercise agency”, Elsie says, balling their hands into fists and looking over on the railing towards Marka. “What. Is. Your. Point.“ “so why in the everloving fuck did you do that“ “Because it is the protocol that I am meant to uphold.“ “i dont know, maybe i would have said it was a dud, maybe i wouldve created a conceptual cloak of some kind, maybe i wouldve snuck something under the table. its hard to imagine someone showing up wearing orange and black stripes being normal but wed find a way. there were other ways, marka“ “You want me to commit a crime.“ “well you cant exactly tell if someones committed a crime by looking at them, now can you“ “As I already said, I should write you up. I already have cause to.“ “you wont“ “And why would I not? You are showing me that Cognis at large is likely full of those like you, their Cleverness. First her Emptiness, and now you. How many of you do I need to extinguish until we are clean of you? How long until the machine functions properly, everything in its right place?”, Marka says, singing the metal on the crosswalk slightly. “you wont because who else do you have left“ Marka pauses. If this was combat, it would be an ideal time for a counterattack. “do you always use formal titles when youre trying to justify yourself?“ No response. “amry wont talk to you. sekri is mad at you. im mad at you. what other friends do you have? and dont give me that “i know plenty others” bullshit, i know you dont, youve cried at us about it. why else do you think i keep helping you“ No response. Marka turns and stares blankly at the forms below. He looks at their colors again, a strategy to avoid detaching completely. “you wont report me because you cant, marka. i saw you whinging in agony when i walked into your quarters, i had to coax you out of respite. youre desperately trying to grasp onto reasons why you did what you did“ No response. His flames do not flicker, not even a bit. “sekri called you a bitch to my face, you know, and i dont disagree at all. frankly im just appalled that youd let someone decay rather than asking for forgiveness“ The walls of Cognis are old and very cold. White and grey coats them like a blanket, spots of singed black and ash occasionally appearing, or sometimes goo, but they tend to be cleaned up by those hired to do so. They form no pattern, but it would be easy to make one out, if you really attempted to. Zooming in, you could attempt to see the tiniest bumps on the wall, like staring at the grooves on a record. Maybe if you played it, it would have the answer Marka is looking for. Maybe he's been leaving clues to himself over time. Maybe it's just noise. “i know youve changed but i trusted you more than that“ “Stop.”, Marka says, finally willing to raise his voice. “...You have not seen him. He is impossible to Understand. He is beyond us all. Can you imagine what would happen if he heard you? I wished to prevent her from that fate. I wished to prevent that fate for you all.“ “you can position yourself as a martyr all you want, but the only one you were concerned with was yourself. dont kid me. youre just a scared larva to me”, Elsie says, a dead stare in their eyes forming as they make a pained expression. “if youre going to do some kind of nightmare reasoning in order to explain how GETTING SOMEONE SLATED FOR FUCKING TERMINATION is protecting them then im all ears“ “I do not care what you think about me.”, Marka says, hiding his eyes. “you tell yourself that, im interested to know where that thought process leads“ “Do not pity me.“ “believe me, im far past the point of pity for you. i think youre deeply sad, in earnest. unfulfilled, maybe“ “How long have you thought this?“ “i didnt! i really didnt! i liked you quite a bit and im trying to talk some sense into you but you just arent listening because youre too much of a damn loyalist“ “So it is a new development, then.“ “yes????? it turns out its normal to be disappointed with someone when they get revealed as a massive and complete tool“ Marka gestures at a corner of the hallway. A gaggle of voidforms lies in the distance, in a small enclave that seems to be reserved for the decaying. “I want you to look here. What do you see?”, he says. “decaying voidforms that dispersal failed to account for. your point?“ “I want you to understand that the whims exist for good reason. I want you to understand that every time we fuck up, one of them is made, because we did not succeed in our duties. We must all work together to ensure the harmony of our being, or else we will end up like them, barreling towards an end before we have a chance to start.“ “its really telling how you talk about those without, isnt it? im not surprised at all by you anymore“ “Right. That is your prerogative. Please leave me be, and I will decide whether to report you to the requisite authorities.”, Marka says through a pained tone. He is very clearly attempting to recite a line, an actor in his own form. “...whatever. have a great time with whatever youre doing, marka”, Elsie says. They walk down the stairs, manual and copper in hand. They need something to take their mind off of this. Above all else, Elsie is tired. They have been practicing this rant ever since they bore witness to what they did. They don't know what they expected out of him, honestly. The Marka they knew is long gone. The Marka that loved Amry, evidently, is long gone. It was possible to rekindle that after subsumption, but he was too busy playing the Arbiter's preordained game. It's a shame, really, isn't it? Because they left a bit too early, of course. Marka's pained speech is a tell that at least something is wrong, but it's beyond them to care at this point, as is their right. But Marka, at the very least, seems to feel something that Elsie didn't pick up on. Under the closed eyes, towards the door, he stifles his emotions, attempting to make his flames manageable. And yet... he drips.

---

Back in their room, Elsie is getting down to business, desperately trying to take their mind off things. The PEAR ][ is on its last limbs, the poor bastard desperately needing copper. Elsie inserts the wire like spaghetti through the PEAR ]['s wet, salivating mouth-hole on its back. Elsie does not see the issue with this. It's the direct wording in the manual, actually – “wet, salivating mouth-hole” being exactly what's printed on the paper, up to recontextualization, of course. Though the information loss as a result may actually make the real phrase more abhorrent. They think about it, and they swear they could fit something even larger in there. Maybe a gun? Do guns have copper in them? Organic computing is a curse. Regardless, the machine makes a sound almost like a slurrrrpppp-shllkkkk as it retracts the wire into its frame, as Elsie's eyebrows furrow. They're still not used to this. It's much easier to tamper with the metallics once the organics are set in stone. Set in flesh. Horrible, horrible flesh. Whatever. With rejuvenated energy in it, the PEAR ][ finishes its retraction and boots up, wind chimes signaling the entry point of its software.

greetings and salutations my compatriot

Oh no, it talks like that. Elsie supposes that they never really got much of a chance to speak with it, but unfortunately for everyone, it's using the dissonant cadence of a Helper program from... No, that can't be right. That wouldn't make sense, above all else, and more importantly, Elsie isn't supposed to know that. It causes a brief blip in their consciousness, one that causes them to blink and shake their head as if struck with a sudden electrical shock. They don't think about it too hard — electrostatic discharge happens plenty with computer repair — and they sit down next to the keys to begin input.

I appreciate your quick response to my request for necessities it is important to keep your information on quick load I will alert the upholders of protocol what the fuck are you talking about your unsuperiors, of course!! compatriots who are supervisors ...how often do i have to jam copper wire in your pussy oh, not for many ticks now certainly longer than your current decay cycle it is of no particular prevalence to you right. well... compatriot, what is your function?

This question spawns a new window with a swath of scrollable, canned text, reading as follows:

Welcome to the Helper information retention system! This handy-dandy guide will get you on your tendrils as you begin your journey through the exciting world of DATABASES. Note: This system is a strict adherent to Oceanic protocol. Please check your manual for more details.

The primary purpose of the Helper is to construct a distributed, decentralized network of nonhierarchical information sharing. To do this, each machine connected to Helpernet is necessarily mesh networked with one another utilizing the PUSSI (PUtrid Salivating System of Instrumentation) on the back of the machine's casing, which is not to be interfaced with except for sustenance of organics. Some history, first: The original construction had a base-plate of prefabulated alumnite, surmounted by a malleable logarithmic casing in such a way that the two main spurving bearings were said to engage in “frottage”.

This goes on for some time, and Elsie glazes past it, scrolling as if it were completely incoherent. Section upon section of it goes past. Changelogs, notes on recontextualization protocol, the exact semantics of the Helpernet PUSSI mesh network and its protocol... all junk, really. None of these things are online anymore, at least they think so. Mostly, they just want to know what's on this one. It's a curiosity from a forgotten time to them. At the bottom, there is some useful notes:

Your PEAR ][ system status: Helpernet: DISCONNECTED PUSSI: FULL (100% tubing, no foreign objects) Incident reports: LOCAL: 1, HELPERNET: 0 AVAIL/48598257018 UNAVAIL Recontextualization: ENABLED REPETAE sensitivity: INCOMPLETE

Thumbing through the manual, Elsie can't really make heads or tails of most of this. The disconnection makes sense, but why is only one incident report locally stored? There must be huge swaths of information on this network... but they can't get their hands on any of it? Lame. REPETAE sensitivity sticks out as something that's not in the manual. Nor is recontextualization, but that was probably added later. They could look through all these changelogs, but a cursory glance at the version history of Helpernet seems to go back ages and ages, almost to the point where the version numbers stop making sense. Regardless of what or who used this system, it was evidently well-loved. It's not important. This machine in absentia, at the very least, doesn't seem particularly useful except as a curio. Worth snooping around on, though...

details on incident reports? there is one incident report present, compatriot: its case id is OCN/E/######, and it is recontextualized would you like me to open it for you at clearance 1? yes, please and thank you very well!! thank you for your service :)

...Just about immediately upon looking at the following document, Elsie gets the feeling that they've stumbled upon something they shouldn't have.

---

This document is subject to standard recontextualization procedure. Contact your assigned Records envoy for more details.

FINALIZED REPORT: HYPEROVERLOAD-CLASS ENTITY

CASE ID: OCN/ID/???

READING STATE YORK: – [Available only to Level 2 Oceanic clearance or above.] – [Available only to Level 3 Oceanic clearance or above.] – [Available only to Level 3 Oceanic clearance or above.] – [Further details removed for brevity.]

BRIEF: At Mogadishu SW-6378 (see Aerial Study Lamp Post for more details), a Sun Desecrate was detected in Conceptual and Counterconceptual density following Survival Kit at OCN/ID/???.

Investigation of Kidney Dilemma Classroom Rehearsal the Stone Cat at Mogadishu SW-6378 was capable of repeated Manning and Rocks of high-density Coup. Further details are on a need to know basis: [Available only to Level 4 Oceanic clearance or above.]

APPENDIX E-REPETAE.1:

The following is a standard appendix following completion of project OCN/REPETAE. Questions may be forwarded to your assigned Records unsuperior.

If this machine has Helpernet connectivity, your assigned Records unsuperior has already been sent to help you. Do not leave your workstation. This is a matter of severe ideoterric importance. Failure to comply will result in severe disciplinary action.

Do not forward the existence of this document to your compatriots. It is not recommended to continue reading this document. You have been warned.

The above document, despite being subject to recontextualization procedure, is engineered to lose any and all semantic meaning upon said sociolinguistic wavefunction collapse without losing the actual information within. If you are reading this at all by now, you either have a very (and I do mean very) old machine on your hands, or you already know what this means – in which case, what am I doing here?

This appendix is only written in the case of the former, and it is to tell you that there is absolutely nothing here, no matter your insatiable curiosity and thirst for Concepts. Believe me when I say that I am well aware of the pitfalls of shouting “nothing to see here”, but such is. What is here is not only deeply useless, but ontologically harmful to you and the Ocean's future as a whole. You will not know what REPETAE is until the time comes, and when it does, you will no longer need to.

Nagging feelings are only feelings, and they will pass — your actions are what determine your consequences. Nonsensical coded words do not bear on you.

~admin

---

Dering dari ponsel yang ia letakkan di dashboard itu menyita perhatiannya, di angkatnya telfon itu dari earphone yang masih terpasang di telinganya. Wanita itu tersenyum, mendengar suara gadis kecil di sebrang sana yang tampak riuh.

“IBUUUU!!“

“Ya, Kak?” Ara tersenyum, membayangkan bagaimana wajah anak sulung nya itu di kepalanya.

“Kakak udah di jemput sama Om Reno, Ibu dimana? Adek udah nanyain Ibu nih.“

“Ibu lagi ada urusan sebentar, sekalian mau ambil birthday cake dulu untuk Askara sama Aksara”

“Hmm oke deh, Buk. Hati-hati yah, Buk.” daaahhh Ibu.” tidak lama kemudian sambungan telfon itu di putus sepihak oleh si sulungnya. Dan itu membuat senyum Ara mengembang sekaligus menggeleng kepalanya.

Mobil yang ia kendarai itu ia parkirkan di sebuah toko cake and bakery langganannya. sebelum turun, Ara mengambil payung hitam dulu yang selalu ia taruh di kursi belakang mobilnya. Hari ini Jakarta di guyur hujan dari pagi hingga sore hari, cuaca juga semakin dingin. Namun itu tidak membuat wanita 32 tahun itu mengurungkan niat nya untuk mengunjungi makam Nathan.

Hari ini adalah hari ulang tahun Nathan, sekaligus hari ulang tahun anak kembarnya. Aksara dan Askara Dan ini untuk pertama kalinya Ara membelikan birthday Cake untuk Nathan, ia ingin mengingat hari lahir nya dulu meski Nathan sudah tidak ada di dunia ini.

Kadang, Ara merasa bersalah setiap kali ia merayakan hari ulang tahun si kembar dengan membelikan hadiah, di sisi lain. Nathan tidak pernah Ara belikan hadiah apapun, ah tidak. Bahkan pelukan pun Ara tidak bisa memberikannya.

Maka dari itu, untuk hari ini saja ia ingin mengingat hari lahir anak itu. Ingin membelikan birthday cake untuknya, meski nanti cake itu akan ia bagikan ke anak-anak yang ia temui di jalan, mendoakannya, dan menyanyikan lagu ulang tahun untuk putra kecilnya itu.

“2 birthday cake nya atas nama Ibu Arumi, ada lagi pesanannya?” tanya seorang kasir pada Ara yang hendak membayar pesanannya.

“Sekalian lilin nya deh, Mbak. Yang angka 4 yah.”

Kasir itu mengambil lilin berangka 4 yang memang ada di etalase tidak jauh dari meja kasir, setelah membayar 2 birthday cake pesanannya. Ara kembali melanjutkan mobilnya membelah padatnya jalanan Jakarta sore itu, meski di luar ramai dengan klakson kendaraan. Namun hening tercipta di dalam mobilnya karna ia sendirian. Ara benci hening, jadi sembari menunggu padatnya lampu merah. Ia nyalakan radio yang sedang membahas perkiraan cuaca esok pagi.

Bibir mungilnya bersenandung, menyanyikan lagu yang akhir-akhir ini selalu terngiang di kepalanya. Begitu perlahan mobil-mobil hendak berjalan maju, Ara kembali melajukan mobilnya hingga kini ia tiba di sebuah taman pemakaman.

Sembari menenteng birthday cake di tangannya dan memegangi payung, Ara berjalan perlahan-lahan melewati satu per satu blok pemakaman demi sampai di makam kecil yang ia rindukan. Namun begitu sudah sampai di sana, kakinya berhenti. Ia mengurungkan niatnya untuk mendekat ke arah makam Nathan ketika melihat punggung lebar yang sangat ia kenalin.

Seorang pria tengah berjongkok di makam Nathan, pria yang sudah 2 minggu tidak ia lihat itu nampak rapih dengan jaket kulit hitam, celana jeans dan kacamata hitam. Nampak nyentrik untuk sekedar ke pemakaman, pria itu membiarkan gerimis membasahi rambut yang sudah ia tata sedemikian rupa.

Seolah tetesan air hujan bukan masalah baginya, setelah mencabuti beberapa rumput yang nampak menganggu. Pria itu mengadakan tangannya, seperti sedang berdoa dan kemudian berdiri dari sana setelah mengusap nisan bertuliskan nama Nathan disana.

Awalnya Ara ingin menghindar, namun gerakan pria itu cukup cepat hingga kini kedua mata mereka bertemu. Tak hanya Ara yang terkejut akan pertemuan itu, tapi si pria juga. Beberapa detik keduanya saling berdiam di tempat masing-masing, seperti saling mencoba berkomunikasi hanya dengan tatapan itu. Sampai akhirnya, kaki pria itu duluan lah yang melangkah lebih dulu maju ke arah Ara.

Pria itu menunduk, Jeff rasanya tidak punya muka hanya untuk sekedar bertemu wanita yang ia cintainya itu. Kalau di tanya bagaimana perasaanya saat ini, maka Jeff akan menjawab ia senang. Ia senang bisa bertemu Ara lagi dan memastikan jika wanita itu hidup dengan baik setelah badai 4 tahun lalu.

Ara pikir Jeff akan sekedar menyapanya ketika semakin dekat jarak di antara mereka, namun siapa sangka, Pria itu justru melewati Ara begitu saja bahkan menatapnya pun tidak, seolah-olah memang mereka tidak kenal satu sama lain, hal itu lantas membuat Ara membalikan badan ke arah Jeff yang kini semakin menjauh darinya.

“Nathan..” ucap Ara tertahan, ia ragu untuk mengatakan hal itu. Namun, Ara pikir harus ada hal yang harus ia selesaikan dengan Jeff.

Ucapannya itu berhasil menghentikan langkah kaki Jeff, pria itu berhenti di tempatnya tanpa menoleh ke arah Ara. Kacamata hitam yang bertengger di hidung mancung nya itu membuat dirinya seperti nampak angkuh, tapi jauh dari kata itu. Jeff hanya menutupi kerapuhan dirinya.

“Nathan anak kita..” lanjutnya, membuat Jeff mengepalkan tangannya.

“apa dia bilang? Anak kita?“

“Kamu, gak mau ngerayain ulang tahunnya?”

Jeff masih diam, kepalanya masih berusaha mencerna kata-kata Ara barusan. Bohong jika Ara tidak mengenalinya sebagai Jeff alih-alih Yuno.

Merayakan ulang tahun? Benarkah? Bahkan bayi itu belum sempat melihat kedua orang tua nya, ulang tahunnya juga bertepatan dengan hari kepergiannya. Apa wanita itu mau merayakan hari menyakitkan itu? Tiba-tiba saja? Kenapa? Pikir Jeff berkecamuk.

“Jeff.. Aku tau, malam itu kamu.”

Jeff agak sedikit kaget, ia sama sekali tidak menyangka jika malam itu Ara menyadarinya. Maksudnya, kenapa wanita itu tidak memintanya untuk berhenti? Bukanya Ara membencinya? Pikir Jeff semakin tidak karuan, namun ia masih enggan untuk berbalik badan. Pergi pun rasanya kakinya sudah terlanjur lemas, rasanya enggak pernah ia merasa bertingkah sebodoh ini.

“Jeff. Biarin hari ini aja, kita ada di hari lahir nya Nathan.”

Belum sempat Jeff menjawab, tiba-tiba saja kepalanya terasa sakit. Seperti ada suara-suara yang menyuruhnya untuk pergi dari sana, Jeff menoleh. Ia masih melihat Ara berdiri di belakangnya, wajah cantik itu melihatnya tanpa senyum, Jeff ingin sekali mengabulkan permintaan itu.

Namun sebagian diri nya yang lain menghalanginya. jadi, Demi tetap menepati janjinya, Jeff menggeleng. kemudian berlari dari sana meninggalkan Ara, membuat wanita itu tampak bingung melihat Jeff berlari sembari memegangi kepalanya.

Ara ingin mengejar, namun dering di ponselnya kembali terdengar. Menampakan nama Reno di sana yang mengirimkan pesan singkat untuk menyuruhnya segera datang ke pesta ulang tahun si kembar. Akhirnya, Ara buru-buru melangkah ke makam Nathan,

Makam Nathan sangat terurus, rumput hijau yang tidak pernah tinggi dengan bunga kamboja yang tumbuh di atasnya, tak lupa. Selalu ada bunga mawar di sana yang selalu Jeff tinggalkan setiap kali ia berkunjung. Ara berjongkok disana, mengusap nisan bertulisan nama anaknya disana dan tersenyum. Oh iya, fotonya dengan Yuno dan Hana masih ada di sana, lengkap dengan bingkai. Di sebelahnya ada foto Aksara dan Askara juga.

“Nathan, ini Ibu.”

Setiap kali ke makam Nathan, perasaan Ara selalu bercampur aduk, masih ada penyesalan baginya karna tidak bisa melindungi putra kecilnya itu.

“Selamat hari lahir nya Nathan, sayang. Ibu bawain kue buat kamu. Nanti kita bagi-bagi ke teman-teman di jalan yah.”

Ngomong-ngomong soal Yuno, laki-laki itu sudah 2 minggu tidak pulang ke rumah. Ara cukup tahu dimana suaminya itu, Yuno switching karena akhir-akhir ini sedang tertekan karena urusannya di rumah sakit, Papa meminta Yuno untuk belajar banyak hal tentang rumah sakit sebelum 2 tahun lagi ia siap menggantikan Papanya.

Papa memang sudah banyak berubah, tidak terlalu terlihat menuntut Yuno walau hal yang di sebut permintaan itu tetap terdengar seperti tuntutan yang harus Yuno penuhi sebagai anak satu-satunya di keluarga.

“Tadi Papa ke sini yah? Maaf yah, Ibu sama Papa datangnya gak bareng.” gumam nya, Ara membuka birthday cake yang ia pesan dan menunjukannya pada Nathan meski ia tahu ini agak sedikit konyol ia tahu itu, tapi biarkan kali ini saja ia ingin merasa adil untuk Nathan meski anak itu tidak ada.

“Ibu nyanyiin lagu untuk Nathan yah?” Ara menaruh birthday cake itu di atas makam Nathan, kemudian bernyanyi dengan suara pelan nyaris berbisik disana. Sebuah lagu ulang tahun untuk putra yang tidak pernah ia peluk seumur hidupnya.

“Happy birthday Nathan, happy birthday Nathan. Happy birthday happy birthday, happy birthday—”

“Nathan..”

Mendengar seseorang menyahutinya dari belakang, Ara menoleh. Ia tidak menyangka jika seseorang yang berdiri di belakang sana itu adalah Jeff. Ara buru-buru berdiri, pria itu tersenyum samar dan membuka kacamatanya, Nafasnya sedikit tersengal-sengal seperti orang habis berlari.

“Jeff?” gumam Ara.

Jeff mendekat ke arah Ara, mengambil alih payung yang wanita itu pegang. Ara agak sedikit tidak menyangka kalau Jeff akan kembali lagi. laki-laki hanya diam, namun ia kembali berjongkok tanpa mengucapkan kata sedikit pun.

“kamu udah ngucapin happy birthday ke Nathan?” tanya Ara yang memecahkan hening di antara mereka.

Jeff hanya mengangguk, kemudian kepalanya beralih menatap Ara dan tersenyum samar. “apa kabar?” lanjutnya.

“baik, kamu?”

Jeff tidak menjawab lagi, ia hanya mengangguk kecil tapi bisa Ara simpulkan jika anggukan itu menunjukan jika Jeff baik-baik saja ya Ara harap seerti itu. keduanya hanya sempat menyanyikan lagu ulang tahun bersama, sampai akhirnya Ara mengajak Jeff untuk ke mobilnya lebih dulu.

Ara merasa harus ada yang di bicarakan oleh laki-laki itu. Ara sengaja tidak mengajak Jeff ke cafe karena ia butuh ketenangan untuk bicara banyak hal dengan laki-laki itu. Dan di dalam mobil rasanya begitu tepat meski kini keduanya merasa sangat amat canggung.

“Makasih ya, Jeff.” lagi-lagi Ara yang memecahkan hening di antara mereka, sejak bertemu Jeff lagi, laki-laki itu jadi agak sedikit pendiam, atau ini hanya perasaanya saja? pikir Ara.

“Untuk?” laki-laki itu menoleh, keningnya berkerut bingung.

Ara tersenyum, menunjukan kalung dengan pendant yang pernah Jeff buat untuknya dari balik kerah kemeja yang ia gunakan. selain itu, Ara juga menunjukan beberapa gantungan kunci dengan bentuk resin art yang pernah Jeff buat dan berikan melalui perantara Yuno.

“Untuk karya-karya indah yang kamu buat.”

“Aku pikir kamu buang,” Jeff terkekeh, namun telinga laki-laki itu memerah. tidak jauh beda dengan Yuno respon tubuh keduanya sama, telinga nya akan memerah jika merasa malu.

“Aku gak sejahat itu Jeff.”

“Hm, kamu selalu baik. Biar yang ambil peran jahat itu aku.”

Ara hanya tersenyum kecil, ia tahu Jeff hanya bercanda meski tidak benar-benar mengenal laki-laki itu. Tapi wajah Jeff tersenyum ketika mengatakannya. Jeff membuang pandanganya ke jendela mobil yang menampakan pemandangan hujan di baliknya. terlalu gugup rasanya berbicara dengan wanita yang ada di sebelahnya.

Jeff tahu Ara merasa canggung, namun ia merasa sangat nyaman. Meski Ara tidak mengajaknya berbicara sekalipun, Jeff tetap merasa nyaman. Seperti ia bisa mendapatkan ketenangan berada di dekat wanita itu saja, apa memang jatuh cinta seindah ini? Namun Jeff tetaplah Jeff, ia harus sadar akan posisinya saat ini dan siapa dia.

“Jeff?”

laki-laki itu menoleh.

“Gak ada yang mau kamu bicarain sama aku?” tanya Ara, mungkin saja banyak hal yang ingin Jeff bicarakan. Karna selama Jeff memberi banyak hadiah untuknya, tidak satupun Jeff memberikannya surat. Ara padahal berharap Jeff mengatakan sesuatu saat memberikan apa yang ia buat untuknnya.

Jeff menghela nafasnya pelan, ia kemudian menggeleng kecil. kalau boleh jujur ada banyak kata yang tertahan di mulut Jeff untuk ia ungkapkan pada wanita itu, tapi Jeff terlalu takut kata-katanya akan berakhir menyakitkan hati Ara lagi.

“Enggak, kamu mau ngomong apa? tadi katanya mau ada yang di bicarain?”

Ditanya seperti itu, Ara justru terdiam sebentar. ia jadi bingung harus memulai obrolan dari mana dulu. karna rasanya ada begitu banyak hal yang ingin ia bicarakan dengan Jeff.

“Jeff, maaf karena aku pernah mukul kamu.” Ara pikir itu adalah hal pertama yang harus ia bicarakan, Ara masih suka merasa bersalah jika mengiangat ia pernah memukul Jeff.

Seumur hidupnya, Jeff lah orang pertama yang ia tampar seperti itu. Jika ingat kejadian itu, ia merasa seperti orang jahat. Makanya Ara merasa dia harus meminta maaf sama perbuatannya itu.

“Aku rasa aku pantas dapat itu, kamu gak perlu minta maaf, Ra.” Jeff pikir tamparan Ara waktu itu enggak seberapa di bandingkan dengan apa yang pernah Jeff perbuat ke Ara.

“Aku masih merasa bersalah aja kalau ingat itu.”

“um..”

“Dan.. ada lagi”

“apa?”

Ara menarik nafasnya dalam, “aku udah maafin kamu, Jeff.”

Kata-kata itu berhasil membuat hati Jeff terenyuh. setelah beberapa tahun belakangan ini Jeff selalu berpikir Ara tidak akan memaafkannya, akhirnya ia mendapatkan jawaban jika wanita itu memaafkannya. tapi kenapa? rasanya Jeff bahkan enggak pantas mendapatkan maaf dari Ara setelah apa yang selama ini dia perbuat.

“Kenapa?”

“Hm?” Ara bingung.

“Iya, kenapa kamu memutuskan buat maafin aku?”

Sempat ada jeda sebentar di antara mereka, sampai-sampai yang terdengar disana hanya deru mobil dan suara hujan yang semakin deras dari luar.

“Mungkin karena aku udah berdamai sama masa lalu, dan demi Nathan juga.”

“Um, Nathan.” Jeff mengangguk “Kamu tau malam itu aku, Ra?” lanjutnya.

Jeff menoleh ke wanita yang berada di sebelahnya, dan Ara hanya menjawabnya dengan anggukan kecil. hal itu cukup membuat Jeff terkejut jika kenyataanya selama ini Ara tahu jika malam itu benar-benar dirinya alih-alih Yuno. tapi kenapa Ara tidak mencoba untuk menghentikannya?

“Kenapa kamu gak berusaha mencegah aku?”

Ara terkekeh pelan, ia menarik nafasnya pelan dengan mimik wajah yang terlihat tenang. ini mungkin saatnya untuk jujur tentang rencana nya membuat Jeff mencintainya juga sama hal nya seperti Yuno.

“Jeff, boleh aku jujur sesuatu?” tanya Ara sebelum ia menjelaskan apa yang ada di pikirannya saat itu, hal ini mungkin agak sedikit mencubit Jeff nantinya.

“sure.“

“Aku memang belum bisa menerima kamu waktu itu, aku tau aku bodoh Jeff. Aku seorang psikolog yang masih belum terima sisi lain dari diri Suami aku sendiri, aku pernah berpikir pengen buat kamu setidaknya menerima aku di hidup Mas Yuno, syukur-syukur kamu bisa cinta aku kaya Mas Yuno cinta sama aku. Makanya malam itu aku enggak berusaha nahan kamu.”

Ah, jadi itu alasannya? Dan sepertinya Ara berhasil. Meski penjelasannya itu membuat Jeff agak sedikit tertampar, namun Jeff menghargai kejujuran Ara. Ia tidak marah.

“Dan kamu berhasil.”

“Um?” Ara menaikkan satu alisnya.

“Bikin aku cinta sama kamu, meski cara aku utarain itu gak semanis Yuno, walau perlakuan aku juga sering kasar ke kamu. Aku cuma bingung harus bagaimana cara kasih tau kamu. Terlalu banyak cemburu dan ego yang aku punya, buat bisa milikin kamu sepenuhnya.”

Tidak ada sahutan dari Ara, ia bingung harus merespon ucapan Jeff seperti apa. Otaknya terasa beku, itu memang wajah Yuno namun suara mereka berbeda, rasanya Ara seperti sedang mendapatkan pengakuan cinta dari laki-laki lain. Tidak lama kemudian, dering dari ponsel Yuno yang ada di saku jaket yang Jeff pakai itu berbunyi.

Mencairkan suasana di antara keduanya, Jeff memeriksa ponsel itu, ia sepertinya harus segera pergi karena saat ini rumah sakit membutuhkannya.

“Aku gak bisa lama-lama, Yuno harus ke rumah sakit, Ra.”

“Jeff?” panggil Ara menghentikan Jeff yang hendak membuka pintu mobil miliknya.

“Ya?”

“Kamu boleh pulang ke rumah, apa kamu gak kangen Hana?”

Jeff tersenyum getir, tentu saja ia merindukan Hana ia juga penasaran sudah sebesar apa Hana sekarang. namun ia hanya bisa menggeleng pelan, ada janji yang tidak boleh Jeff langgar dengan Yuno.

“Aku gak bisa pulang ke rumah Yuno, aku udah janji sama dia buat enggak datang ke rumah itu lagi.”

Ada perasaan sedih sejujurnya mendengar jawaban dari Jeff, namun apa boleh buat, ini tentang kesepakatan Jeff dan Yuno, sebelum Jeff turun dari mobil itu ia sempat menoleh ke arah Ara sebentar.

“Aku senang liat kamu hidup dengan baik, Ra. aku harap akan selalu begitu, sampai ketemu lagi.” Ucapnya dan begitu saja Jeff keluar dari sana.

Ara masih terdiam di dalam mobil, memperhatikan Jeff yang menerobos hujan tanpa payung dan masuk begitu saja ke dalam mobil Yuno yang terparkir tidak jauh dari tempat mobil Ara parkir.

Aktuell ist auf den Schienen Norddeutschlands die Hölle los. Oder gar nichts, je nachdem. Der Schienenpersonenfernverkehr zwischen Hamburg und Süddeutschland ist seit gestern abend gestört, der Regionalverkehr zwischen Hamburg und Uelzen fiel zeitweise komplett aus, und der Fernverkehr zwischen Hamburg und Berlin fällt immer noch komplett aus.

Hä? Zwischen Hamburg und Berlin auch? Wie kann das denn sein?

Was da passiert ist

Also mal der Reihe nach.

Gestern am späten Abend zog ein Gewitter durch die Lüneburger Heide. Bei Deutsch Evern schlug ein Blitz in die Oberleitung ein. Am Gleis schlug ein Blitz in einen Baum ein. Der kippte auf den Fahrdraht und schloß ihn so kurz. Der Effekt ist derselbe, wie wenn eine Erdungsstange an eine Schiene angelegt und dann gegen den Fahrdraht gekippt wird: fetter Funkenflug, Kurzschluß, zack, Schutzschalter springt, Fahrdraht stromlos.

Jetzt hat allerdings eine Oberleitung nicht alle ein, zwei Kilometer einen Trennschalter pro Gleis und dann jeweils separate Einspeisungen. Zumindest nicht hier. Vielleicht auf Strecken wie die Neubaustrecke zwischen Brüssel und Lüttich, die blockweise umschaltbar ist zwischen den in Belgien üblichen 3.000 Volt Gleichstrom und den für den Hochgeschwindigkeitsverkehr nötigen 25 kV 50 Hz Wechselstrom. Oder im Aachener Hauptbahnhof, der stückchenweise umschaltbar ist zwischen diesen beiden Fahrdrahtspannungen und den deutschen 15 kV 16,7 Hz Wechselstrom. Aber nicht hier, wo sowieso alles mit 15 kV 16,7 Hz Wechselstrom fährt.

Das heißt: Wenn es irgendwo einen Kurzen gibt, dann ist davon einiges mehr an Strecke betroffen. Und dann gleich alle Gleise. Es wäre nämlich völliger Overkill, für jedes Streckengleis alle ein, zwei Kilometer und womöglich auch noch für Nebengleise in Bahnhöfen jeweils ein eigenes Unterwerk mit eigenem Schutzschalter aufzustellen. Gibt’s also nicht.

Ganz ehrlich: Daß dabei an besetzten Reisezügen nur ein ICE aus Richtung Berlin liegengeblieben ist, grenzt an ein Wunder.

Die Folgen

Denn Deutsch Evern, das liegt bei Bad Bevensen. Bad Bevensen liegt zwischen Lüneburg und Uelzen. Und das liegt an der Strecke zwischen Hamburg und Hannover. Das ist eine der am stärksten befahrenen Eisenbahnstrecken Deutschlands. Die wäre mit dem eigentlichen Planverkehr schon völlig überfordert.

Das ist übrigens genau da, wo eigentlich die Y-Trasse gebaut werden sollte, um genau diese Strecke zu entlasten. Die kommt aber nicht, weil die durch den Wahlkreis des aktuellen SPD-Bundeschefs Lars Klingbeil verlaufen würde, der seine Macht auf Bundesebene einsetzt, um seine Wähler in seinem Heimatwahlkreis bei der Stange zu halten. Und der Ausbau der Bestandsstrecke wird beharrlich von dort wiederum ansässigen NIMBYs verhindert.

Genau die Strecke ist das. Und die war stundenlang tutto kompletto dicht. Inzwischen soll eins der beiden Streckengleise wieder elektrisch befahrbar sein, aber auch da kommt höchstens mal ab und an ein Metronom durch, damit wenigstens der SPNV wieder läuft.

Allerdings fährt da normalerweise noch sehr viel mehr. Zwischen Hamburg und Hannover gibt es fünf (!) Linien im Personenfernverkehr, die jeweils mindestens im Zweistundentakt fahren, teilweise im Stundentakt. Und dann kommt noch der Güterverkehr oben drauf.

Aber wieso Hamburg–Berlin?

Jetzt fragen sich trotzdem immer noch viele: „Wieso fallen auch alle ICEs zwischen Hamburg und Berlin aus? Das liegt doch gar nicht auf der Strecke!“

Doch, tut es. Jetzt jedenfalls.

Wie ich vor zweieinhalb Monaten schrieb, ist die eigentliche Strecke zwischen Hamburg und Berlin – also über Hagenow Land–Ludwigslust–Wittenberge–Neustadt (Dosse) eine Großbaustelle und daher voll gesperrt. Und das ist noch nicht mal die Generalsanierung, die nächstes Jahr kommen soll, während der die Strecke noch länger gesperrt sein und größtenteils komplett neu gebaut werden wird. Was da aktuell passiert, das ist Flickwerk, um wirklich akute Schäden zu reparieren.

Und so muß die Hälfte der Fernreisezüge zwischen Hamburg und Berlin umgeleitet werden über Lüneburg–Uelzen–Salzwedel–Stendal. Die andere Hälfte fällt aus, weil Uelzen–Salzwedel zum größten Teil immer noch nur eingleisig ist – und die planmäßigen RE zwischen Uelzen und Salzwedel genau deshalb auch, weil die ICEs die Streckenkapazitäten ziemlich aufbrauchen.

So, mit der Umleitungsstrecke ist es jetzt auch erstmal Essig.

Kann man da nichts machen?

Was gibt es denn sonst an Alternativen?

Die nächste elektrifizierte (!) Umgehungsstrecke wäre ab Hamburg-Harburg über Buchholz (Nordheide)–Rotenburg (Wümme)–Nienburg (Weser)–Wunstorf. Problem: Die Strecke hat kaum Fassungsvermögen, weil sie zwischen Rotenburg und Verden nur eingleisig ist. Der Abschnitt hat eben keine überregionale Bedeutung.

Und so wird die Strecke zwischen Rotenburg und Verden nur von Zügen nach Hamburg genutzt. Der Verkehr Richtung Hannover fährt zwischen Rotenburg und Verden statt dessen den Riesenschlenker über den auch nicht gerade wenig ausgelasteten Bremer Hauptbahnhof.

Das heißt trotzdem: Die „Rollbahn“ zwischen Hamburg und Bremen ist nun die einzig verbliebene Strecke für den Verkehr zwischen Hamburg, Hannover und Süddeutschland, zwischen Hamburg, dem Ruhrgebiet und dem Rheinland und zwischen Hamburg und Berlin. Und westlich von Buchholz kommt dann auch noch eine Menge Güterverkehr von und nach Maschen dazu.

Schon ohne die Berlin-Umleiter wäre da nichts mehr zu wollen. Selbst die Oberrheinstrecke mit CIR-ELKE könnte das nicht packen. Da reden wir von mehr Zügen pro Stunde und Richtung als auf dem Tokaido Shinkansen, sogar noch als bei der Hamburger S-Bahn – aber mit einer sehr viel größeren Bandbreite an Höchstgeschwindigkeiten. ICs und ICEs fahren 200 km/h, Flixtrain fährt 160 km/h, der Metronom fährt auch 160 km/h, hält aber unterwegs ein paarmal, der Intermodalverkehr fährt teilweise 120 km/h, andere Güterzüge fahren 100 km/h, und die 5400-Tonnen-Erzzüge von Hamburg-Hansaport nach Salzgitter-Beddingen fahren beladen nur 80 km/h, sollten aber tunlichst unterwegs nicht anhalten.

Die Folge ist ein grandioses Streichkonzert. Zwei Linien von Hamburg über Hannover sind gestrichen worden, eine davon nur nördlich von Hannover. Auch der umgeleitete übrige Personenfernverkehr Richtung Berlin ist gestrichen worden. Wenn man sowieso über Hannover fahren muß, weil Uelzen aus Richtung Hamburg nicht erreichbar ist, dann kann man das auch mit den Zügen, die eh fahren. Auch wenn die zum Brechen voll sein werden.

Eine naheliegende Idee wäre, zumindest den Berlin-Verkehr statt dessen über Büchen–Hagenow Land–Schwerin–Bad Kleinen–Bützow–Güstrow–Lalendorf–Waren (Müritz)–Neustrelitz–Oranienburg zu führen. Daß aber zwischen Lalendorf und dem Großraum Berlin die Züge die Lloydbahn mit dem Gesamtverkehr zwischen dem Großraum Berlin und Rostock – inklusive Seehafen, by the way, also vielviel Güterverkehr – teilen dürfen, ist noch das geringste Problem.

Nein, das fängt schon damit an, daß der Abschnitt Priemerburg–Lalendorf Ost nur eingleisig ist und auch das zweite Gleis zwischen Güstrow und Priemerburg von nur zweifelhafter Nutzbarkeit. Und es ist ja nicht so, daß da nichts fährt.

Und auch wenn der Abschnitt Hamburg–Büchen–Hagenow Land wieder „befahrbar“ ist, heißt das, er ist gerade eben so befahrbar. Auf weiten Teilen gibt’s weiterhin nur ein befahrbares Gleis und Höchstgeschwindigkeitsbeschränkungen. Die Kapazitäten reichen nicht annähernd, um auch nur den zweistündlichen RE nach Rostock planmäßig fahren zu lassen. Da dann auch noch pro Stunde und Richtung einen ICE durchzuquetschen – oder gar die zusätzlichen ICs, ICEs und ECs, die ohne die Großbaustelle da fahren würden und jetzt sowieso ausfallen –, wäre utopisch.

Der aktuelle Zwischenfall ist nur kurzfristig, verursacht aber trotzdem heftige Störungen, die sich auf halb Deutschland auswirken. Zugegeben, was gestern abend passiert ist, hätte nicht passieren können, wenn die DB auch an dieser Strecke vernünftigen Grünschnitt durchführen würde und keine Bäume da wären, die ins Gleis kippen könnten. Aber trotzdem kann immer mal etwas vorkommen, was zu einer Streckensperrung führen kann.

Wenn nächstes Jahr die Generalsanierung der Strecke Hamburg–Berlin kommt, können wir uns wahrscheinlich auf noch mehr solche Sachen gefaßt machen – gerade weil die Strecke Hamburg–Hannover hoffnungslos überlastet ist.

#Aktuelles #BetrieblicherZwischenfall #Eisenbahn