It starts when Rachel's therapist challenges her to set boundaries with her mother – no communication for 90 days – her mother who shaped her own view of her body and fatness; nudged her over the years into a life defined by calorie restriction

It essentially skirts around this orthorexia without calling it an eating disorder, but fittingly the story embraces queerness and a delight in the female body. Rachel's initial self-loathing evolves into rejoicing in eating and food: there is a lovely dinner scene with lush descriptions of Jewish home cooking.

• Lots of themes of family, faith and romance/lust
• ymmv, but I found the sexual fantasies quite heavy-handed
• bittersweet ending. No tragic lesbians here, but it's not a happy ever after either.

#books #queer

You look out the window.

It started with a crack. It is beautiful in its simplicity and overwhelming stupidity, its mounting insignificance and statistical improbability serving as a testament to its results. There are many others like it, though its inhabitants do not know this, and never will. But from your perspective, it stands apart from the rest.

You have seen many worlds of many origins, scattered in their space, time, and density. The overwhelming majority of them end up as inert rocks, ones of no particular use. Some manage to sustain the curse of life, and even fewer develop anything resembling consciousness or intelligence. Even then, intelligence alone is not particularly remarkable. Perception is not exciting to you. Even to communicate is not exceptional, though the resultant obfuscation begins to make Concepts a bit chewier. It causes Understandings to be lost and improperly relayed.

But this world is unique in a way you have not yet detected. Even now, its dangerous gravity begins to draw you in, changing you. Among all worlds, there is something about your own that nobody has been able to replicate, a gift you had assumed was for you and for you alone.

You call it lying.

It is a form of intentional obfuscation, one that diverges from reality deliberately in order to serve some other end. For you, it is generally avoided in order to sidestep as much ambiguity as possible. But this civilization is creating lies for the purposes of entertainment, ones that are not meant to mislead, but to suspend disbelief. You call these lies stories, and they are some of the most dense Concepts you have ever seen. Their genesis is that of an endless wealth of Culture.

Most worlds never progress beyond telling their own histories, living endlessly in a feedback loop of lost Understanding. Some worlds manage to transcribe those histories, thereby lessening this loss. This world, however, is creating genesis points with alarming regularity. They have told many stories, and some are more prevalent than others, varying in their density.

You ponder on this fact for some time, noting the way the landscape looks. When you gaze upon the blueness out of the window, you notice there is green and brown, covered in specks of bright light. They clump together to make lands where the stories' genesis points lie. But some of these stories do not have greens or browns! Some have entirely separate things from these masses, forming speculation so great that you would call it hearsay.

You concentrate too hard. Your perspective shifts. The walls are closing in on you. Your thoughts flow around every remaining bit of you. They are coming to dissolve you whole, replacing you briefly with another.

---

You are an old god; a foreign concept, but one of great power. You see differently from the new gods. The new gods withhold understandings in fear from their creation: the mortals, ones that can decay. You wish for these Understandings to be known, spread without consequence. You steal them, and create Culture for the masses; a set of Understandings so basic they could be shared. But the new gods are unhappy. You are bound to eternal torment, an endless cycle of subsumption and decay.

---

You live with another being. It is smaller, hairier, and brown. You desperately wished to leave where you are, to create a new world of your own. A calamity whisks you away to a world of fantasy and magic. You yearn to go home. You meet with a wish granter. You return to who and where you were.

---

You are touched by a creature from beyond. It shifts your perspective, your mind, your flesh. You cannot understand it, and it cannot understand you. You see it everywhere, in patterns, in antipatterns. You are driven mad.

---

You are touched by a force you do not understand. It does not speak your language, and there is no recontextualization. You are able to decipher it, gradually. You will begin to see your offspring, their life, their world. You remember when they will be older.

---

You are trapped in your place of residence. You play a game. The game is concerned with stories. The game is not concerned with you. The game ends your world. You become a story, an heir to a fate that has been determined for you. You are no longer what you were.

---

You SNAP! back to the ship's interior, orienting yourself. Another being is there, next to you, her form and speech seeming to comfort you, though you are far too removed from this reality to be able to understand her. The walls expand back around you, and you remember that this is where you belong. It's simply that you've never encountered this density, this richness. It could last you, and all others, many, many ticks to come.

...Much of it has the consistency of a thick paste. Some parts are much more tantalizing than others, and others are barely even visible to you. They are mere fragments of Concepts, nothing that could ever see the Ocean's grace. You cannot even imagine what impact these discoveries might have. Entire communities could be built and sustained on this, bringing life that you cannot even fathom. At no cost!

These thoughts of revolution bring you back, and you hear a voice from a distance. “...are you doing okay???”, it says.

There is a pause. “i know this isnt the best moment but youre going to have to get up at some point”, it says, causing you to turn away from the window. The entity in front of you does not cohere. It lets out a tenebrous grinding noise, as you see its history much like you saw the history of what was before you: fuzzy orange, slimy black, effervescent green...

It feels like static. It is changing too quickly. You cannot make sense of it. A maw emerges from the rapidly oscillating form, and speaks thus: “buddy you look like youre coated in shit how hard am i gonna have to YELL“

---

Supplicated to the fawn Fold back my pajama sleeves Take a look at what I have done You can protect nothing – Gray Death, by Xiu Xiu

He's dreaming about places he's never been again. Marka wakes up from his terrible, deeply pretentious nightmare, and he has no idea what it could mean. It's the kind of thing that shakes someone to their core, though it's far easier to just look at him for evidence of that. His place of respite is completely singed, like someone actively tried to commit arson in here but gave up halfway through because it wasn't worth it. Don't you hate it when your partner ends up damaging the fabric of reality, and it's on you to hold her accountable? It's one of the great dilemmas, and absolutely everyone has been in that position at least once. If you haven't, have you ever truly loved? Love is an act of violence, after all. To entertain otherwise would be a farce. But the wanting for reconciliation only comes in waves. Marka is far, far more concerned with the gravity of the situation he has faced. Though at present, he's mostly concerned with the weird gray thing directly in front of him. The one that just slapped him. “sorry for hitting you in the... whatever that is, but youve been out for ages and at this point its overtly concerning for whatever sorry saps actually bother to talk to you”, Elsie says, hovering over his sight. The down-force from their wings is putting out the residual scorching caused by his intense emotions. “...What do you want.”, Marka replies. “isnt it obvious? i want to see if youre going to talk about it“ “About what?“ “your meeting“ “Which meeting? I have plenty of meetings. I am very busy.“ “if i were to itemize everything youve done over the past tick then im pretty sure youd know what meeting im talking about“ “Use your words, please? I refuse to let these things stay implied.“ “with?????? the?????????? arbiter?????????????“ Marka's eyes squint. “Right. That meeting. I see. It was perfectly acceptable, and I will carry out my duties as expected of me.“ “you dont really have a face but i can read your emotions better than THAT, you know“ “...I am going to do exactly what is asked. Simple as. Do you want to be written up?“ “you know you wont do that“ “Entering the office of a superior officer without prior approval. Aiding and abetting the violation of the Ultimate Law—“ “i was off that damn link before anything happened and the plan wasnt to do anything that amry did. that much is clear and sekris nothing more than collateral. furthermore youre my friend and you havent been seen around at all, someone official would have been sent here to check that you didnt do some pirouette into insanity if it wasnt me”, Elsie says, tensing their posture. They slow the flapping of their wings before moving to stand next to Marka, their arms folded. “you dont have shit on me and if you did you couldnt prove it“ “No need to be so aggressive. I was joking.“ “well suffice it to say, given the subject matter of that meeting and the alert i just got, im not especially up for jokes right now“ “...Right. Well. I have that manual you wanted, and the necessary resources.“ “oh?”, Elsie says. He's changing the conversation topic. Whatever. They needed this anyways, it's half of why they're here. The poor PEAR ]['s probably about to power off for its last time. They're surprised it turned on at all, honestly. “This is going to sound very silly, but the requisite resource is merely copper. While organic resources are often not seen frequently, the recent influx of now-subsumed Concepts leaves some of their components available.“ “...can i have it?“ “What are friends for.“

Marka's room, which is finally visible, provides some context for this interaction. The space is coated in stars, hats, wands, and robes, the traditional signifiers of a budding magician. Or more specifically a phony magician – while different foreign bodies regard different things as magic, the notions of stage magic and party tricks always seems to be a universal constant. Although foreign concepts tend not to be preserved on an individual level, Marka has a few artifacts from other spacetimes. His information wells – books, primarily – tend to be largely grandiose works of fiction provided from elsewhere, involving whatever fictional creature said culture wished to document. Fiction is, of course, relative, but many of these beings are outlandish vampires, goblins, or ghouls, whose relative frequency is low in the cultures of foreign bodies. In stark contrast are various procedurals from Culture votes past – not for his job, but for keeping track of changes. He's become slightly neurotic lately about keeping track – things keep slipping between the cracks from his perspective, and if his dreams are any indicator, something's in need of thorough analysis. The rest of the room is empty. Alarmingly, it's just books, a place of respite, and cloaks and capes that few are allowed to see. He's always been like this, attempting intense minimalism except for things that captivate him. That, combined with his intense expressiveness in his (rare) emotions, make him the poster child for Cognis's mandatory autism awareness seminars: Build an Inclusive Department, Now!, Accommodating Parenthetical Divergence, and Concept-First Language: a Primer, to name a few. But the aforementioned barren bookshelf also has two objects on it, next to some well-read books stacked cleanly. There's a container full of copper wire, and there's some printouts on dot-matrix paper in a language Marka can't even read, but Elsie should be able to. “The machine for digital recontextualization would not work on this sample, so I had this tailored to your present form.”, Marka says, picking up the things and placing them in Elsie's hands uncomfortably. “Whatever you had here, it was very dated, likely before our time. Frankly, it is impressive that the machine's language is workable for you.“ “why wouldnt digitization work?“ “When I say before our time, I mean that this manual was created before the advent of recontextualization. To put it through that procedure would necessarily lose some important information, and to explain exactly why would be a breach of my security protocols. I could lose everything.“ “... you werent kidding huh“ “Believe me when I say that I would not be able to get this to you had I done the work after my meeting.“ “im surprised that youre willing to give me restricted anything“ “...Yeah, well.“ “...here, lets go on a walk. you need to clean up anyways”, Elsie says. “Yeah, well” isn't exactly the type of thing that Marka says, and at this point... well, despite their predilections about recent events, they still care about the guy. They figure he should probably get out of this desolate living space.

The two of them meander through the halls of Cognis. The diversity of forms around them is difficult to describe. Marka notes one that looks somewhat like Amry's new form, but... blue, and pointier. He looks up, and one walks on the ceiling, suction cups adhering to it, and he wonders why someone would bother to do that. The suction cups aren't even... part of the form. It's just a quadruped form with suction cups. More importantly, they're looking straight at him. The diversity of forms here makes it very, very difficult to truly stand out. If everyone's weird looking, nobody's weird looking. Unfortunately, though, Marka's special now. He's gained an uncomfortable amount of notoriety, solely because he requested an audience with the Arbiter and received one. Idle workplace chatter now centers around Marka and what he's up to. There's a specific way that they tend to look or talk about him. As he goes about his business, idle gazes tend to snap to him as if by routine. A bewildered look often manifests, one that seemingly indicates something worth noting about his form or manner. But once Marka's gaze meets theirs, they seem to flinch, as if scanning the room to orient oneself or doing anything other than what they're doing in this moment. Nobody ever wants to admit to their usage of spectacle. Neither does the suction cup weirdo, either, their gaze moving to focus on their grip on the ceiling. Marka wishes, briefly, that someone would just tell him exactly how they felt about him. No codes, no keys, just a plain talk. Relatedly, he thinks back to his meeting with the Arbiter, and all he recalls is noise carved from silence. The memory barely even serves as anything more than a placard for “something happened here”, like a pointer to an unaddressed part of his memory. He does, however, manage to recall the message I forgot to include that was sent out following that meeting, though:

dearest faithful,

i am well aware of the shock of hearing my cognition broadcasted directly, but let it be thus: a grave misdeed has occurred, and it will come as an unfortunate surprise to many. alas, her emptiness has committed a tragic action, one not in accordance with the collective whims we uphold. her understandings have become MALIGNED with the ultimate law. she has subsumed an overload-class entity, and thereby touched the fruit of life. but worry not, faithful, for she will face imminent JUSTICE, regardless of said subsumption. it is not my wish for this to occur, but ostensibly, it is hers by her own actions... and what am i if not an upholder of the codes :)

yours, ARBITER

...and it shakes him to his core as he almost floats straight into a wall. Elsie, holding in a facepalm, speaks up. “you doing okay bud“ “Where are we going, anyway?”, Marka says. “well, away from here. the intention was to meander but the larvae get out of training soon and so its probably not best to stay here“ Marka looks around him, orienting himself in the space. There is grey, and green, and brown, and yellow. Portraits of various larvae litter the walls, as if some kind of hall of fame, or recognition for some grand achievement in one's training. He, of course, made the bill long ago, but he can't remember what the actual achievement he earned is called. Whatever. He remembers the halls around him, and the time he spent here, and... no, don't think about that. Walking. Getting your mind off it. That's what you're doing. “...im just gonna start moving if you feel like becoming vaguely catatonic”, Elsie says. “Right. Following.“ The two leave the area, doors closing around them, and go up a nearby set of stairs to a clear bridge overlooking a large crossing. The design is minimal, and it is possible to observe those walking under you. On the other side of the overpass is a locked door. Elsie leans over the railing slightly, resting their arms on the shiny, grey frame. They stare down at the forms crossing below, a veritable rainbow of miscellaneous Concepts making their way to their destinations. They see all varieties and numbers of limbs, faces and their lack thereof, distributed consciousnesses, and some abstract notions reified into shapes. “I thought we were walking. There is nowhere to go but down from here.”, Marka says, not noticing the aptitude of his own words. He looks down. He keeps getting looked at, though nobody can hear him. It makes him uncomfortable. “i just go here to think sometimes. theres parts of cognis that nobody can access behind that door im pretty sure”, Elsie says. “it makes me think about those who came before us“ “Why would you want to think about that?“ “what were they even like? were they anything like us?“ “...If you are having a crisis of servitude, I can refer you to-“ “no, gdmmt!!! urgh why are you so endlessly like this“ Marka skulks up. “I am in no position to talk, I suppose. For once, I am the one who needs help.“ “ive been helping you through this stuff forever, or did you forget. its not even the first time weve been up here“ “Well, I appreciate that, even though I may not recollect it in the moment.“ “...right.“ “...So how are things for you?“ “im well“ “Good, good. Good to hear.“ “im glad to see youre well as well, at least relatively speaking“ “Yes.“ “its so many wells that the word well no longer seems to carry any meaning“ “That's called semantic satiation.“ “yeah”, Elsie says, sighing. Now, above all else, they're ever-present in their form. They can feel everything in their body tense up at once. It's a shame that their current form feels emotions not merely in the Concept, but the form itself as well. They can't hold it in anymore. They feel like they're about to pop, as if a firecracker whose fuse is sputtering after an attempt to put it out. The fuse flickers, and there is a crack. “did it feel good, marka”, Elsie says, in the most foreboding tone they can muster. “Did what feel good?“ “reporting your partner and letting her decay“ Marka, taken aback by the question, makes his first move. “You-“ “me! thats correct, im the one posing the question, now will you explain your rationale before i take what i need and treat you like a hostile“ “Are all of your supposed helps this confrontational?“ “are you ever going to internalize anything i say?“ “Do you expect me to simply disregard protocol? If it was that simple, I am certain that everyone would do it. I had no choice in the matter.”, Marka says, his flames seeming to simultaneously retreat and grow in fervor. “id expect that youd have some kind of chickenshit explanation like that“ “Where did this hostility suddenly manifest from?“ “i dont know, when did you begin to think that the whims were more important than anyone“ “They are.“ “well marka i guess that answers my question, doesnt it. my main problem lies in acting like you have no choice in the matter“ “What else would you have done?”, Marka says, his fear converted to anger, flames manifesting greater and greater before stifling his emotions to avoid a scene. “look over there”, Elsie says, pointing at a random form in the crowd with purple legs for arms. “how many impossibly terrible crimes do you think theyve committed, by the whims“ “...What?“ “marka i want you to look at them and give me a number“ “Do you always repeat names when you are confrontational? Besides, I am an adherent, but not an enforcer.“ “then why are you acting like one?“ “Because I am required to.“ “let me lay out the facts for you, because i want you to hear them in extensive detail, since you cant even recall our meeting here last“ “Fine. Such is.“ “so you returned from the inclinosphere, and you open up the coordinates you sent yourself. theres nothing there“ “Correct.“ “you go track down amrys concept and you see the same form there“ “Correct.“ “you pull strings in order to get a meeting with the arbiter, a thing nobody has done in ages, and using the obvious syllogism, report that your partner has consumed this overload class entity you were hoping to use for your work“ “Correct.”, Marka says, straining. “you get back from the meeting and start acting like this is avoidable and haunting, like theres just nothing that could be done, like youre some poor little meow meow hunting for your first chance to exercise agency”, Elsie says, balling their hands into fists and looking over on the railing towards Marka. “What. Is. Your. Point.“ “so why in the everloving fuck did you do that“ “Because it is the protocol that I am meant to uphold.“ “i dont know, maybe i would have said it was a dud, maybe i wouldve created a conceptual cloak of some kind, maybe i wouldve snuck something under the table. its hard to imagine someone showing up wearing orange and black stripes being normal but wed find a way. there were other ways, marka“ “You want me to commit a crime.“ “well you cant exactly tell if someones committed a crime by looking at them, now can you“ “As I already said, I should write you up. I already have cause to.“ “you wont“ “And why would I not? You are showing me that Cognis at large is likely full of those like you, their Cleverness. First her Emptiness, and now you. How many of you do I need to extinguish until we are clean of you? How long until the machine functions properly, everything in its right place?”, Marka says, singing the metal on the crosswalk slightly. “you wont because who else do you have left“ Marka pauses. If this was combat, it would be an ideal time for a counterattack. “do you always use formal titles when youre trying to justify yourself?“ No response. “amry wont talk to you. sekri is mad at you. im mad at you. what other friends do you have? and dont give me that “i know plenty others” bullshit, i know you dont, youve cried at us about it. why else do you think i keep helping you“ No response. Marka turns and stares blankly at the forms below. He looks at their colors again, a strategy to avoid detaching completely. “you wont report me because you cant, marka. i saw you whinging in agony when i walked into your quarters, i had to coax you out of respite. youre desperately trying to grasp onto reasons why you did what you did“ No response. His flames do not flicker, not even a bit. “sekri called you a bitch to my face, you know, and i dont disagree at all. frankly im just appalled that youd let someone decay rather than asking for forgiveness“ The walls of Cognis are old and very cold. White and grey coats them like a blanket, spots of singed black and ash occasionally appearing, or sometimes goo, but they tend to be cleaned up by those hired to do so. They form no pattern, but it would be easy to make one out, if you really attempted to. Zooming in, you could attempt to see the tiniest bumps on the wall, like staring at the grooves on a record. Maybe if you played it, it would have the answer Marka is looking for. Maybe he's been leaving clues to himself over time. Maybe it's just noise. “i know youve changed but i trusted you more than that“ “Stop.”, Marka says, finally willing to raise his voice. “...You have not seen him. He is impossible to Understand. He is beyond us all. Can you imagine what would happen if he heard you? I wished to prevent her from that fate. I wished to prevent that fate for you all.“ “you can position yourself as a martyr all you want, but the only one you were concerned with was yourself. dont kid me. youre just a scared larva to me”, Elsie says, a dead stare in their eyes forming as they make a pained expression. “if youre going to do some kind of nightmare reasoning in order to explain how GETTING SOMEONE SLATED FOR FUCKING TERMINATION is protecting them then im all ears“ “I do not care what you think about me.”, Marka says, hiding his eyes. “you tell yourself that, im interested to know where that thought process leads“ “Do not pity me.“ “believe me, im far past the point of pity for you. i think youre deeply sad, in earnest. unfulfilled, maybe“ “How long have you thought this?“ “i didnt! i really didnt! i liked you quite a bit and im trying to talk some sense into you but you just arent listening because youre too much of a damn loyalist“ “So it is a new development, then.“ “yes????? it turns out its normal to be disappointed with someone when they get revealed as a massive and complete tool“ Marka gestures at a corner of the hallway. A gaggle of voidforms lies in the distance, in a small enclave that seems to be reserved for the decaying. “I want you to look here. What do you see?”, he says. “decaying voidforms that dispersal failed to account for. your point?“ “I want you to understand that the whims exist for good reason. I want you to understand that every time we fuck up, one of them is made, because we did not succeed in our duties. We must all work together to ensure the harmony of our being, or else we will end up like them, barreling towards an end before we have a chance to start.“ “its really telling how you talk about those without, isnt it? im not surprised at all by you anymore“ “Right. That is your prerogative. Please leave me be, and I will decide whether to report you to the requisite authorities.”, Marka says through a pained tone. He is very clearly attempting to recite a line, an actor in his own form. “...whatever. have a great time with whatever youre doing, marka”, Elsie says. They walk down the stairs, manual and copper in hand. They need something to take their mind off of this. Above all else, Elsie is tired. They have been practicing this rant ever since they bore witness to what they did. They don't know what they expected out of him, honestly. The Marka they knew is long gone. The Marka that loved Amry, evidently, is long gone. It was possible to rekindle that after subsumption, but he was too busy playing the Arbiter's preordained game. It's a shame, really, isn't it? Because they left a bit too early, of course. Marka's pained speech is a tell that at least something is wrong, but it's beyond them to care at this point, as is their right. But Marka, at the very least, seems to feel something that Elsie didn't pick up on. Under the closed eyes, towards the door, he stifles his emotions, attempting to make his flames manageable. And yet... he drips.

---

Back in their room, Elsie is getting down to business, desperately trying to take their mind off things. The PEAR ][ is on its last limbs, the poor bastard desperately needing copper. Elsie inserts the wire like spaghetti through the PEAR ]['s wet, salivating mouth-hole on its back. Elsie does not see the issue with this. It's the direct wording in the manual, actually – “wet, salivating mouth-hole” being exactly what's printed on the paper, up to recontextualization, of course. Though the information loss as a result may actually make the real phrase more abhorrent. They think about it, and they swear they could fit something even larger in there. Maybe a gun? Do guns have copper in them? Organic computing is a curse. Regardless, the machine makes a sound almost like a slurrrrpppp-shllkkkk as it retracts the wire into its frame, as Elsie's eyebrows furrow. They're still not used to this. It's much easier to tamper with the metallics once the organics are set in stone. Set in flesh. Horrible, horrible flesh. Whatever. With rejuvenated energy in it, the PEAR ][ finishes its retraction and boots up, wind chimes signaling the entry point of its software.

greetings and salutations my compatriot

Oh no, it talks like that. Elsie supposes that they never really got much of a chance to speak with it, but unfortunately for everyone, it's using the dissonant cadence of a Helper program from... No, that can't be right. That wouldn't make sense, above all else, and more importantly, Elsie isn't supposed to know that. It causes a brief blip in their consciousness, one that causes them to blink and shake their head as if struck with a sudden electrical shock. They don't think about it too hard — electrostatic discharge happens plenty with computer repair — and they sit down next to the keys to begin input.

I appreciate your quick response to my request for necessities it is important to keep your information on quick load I will alert the upholders of protocol what the fuck are you talking about your unsuperiors, of course!! compatriots who are supervisors ...how often do i have to jam copper wire in your pussy oh, not for many ticks now certainly longer than your current decay cycle it is of no particular prevalence to you right. well... compatriot, what is your function?

This question spawns a new window with a swath of scrollable, canned text, reading as follows:

Welcome to the Helper information retention system! This handy-dandy guide will get you on your tendrils as you begin your journey through the exciting world of DATABASES. Note: This system is a strict adherent to Oceanic protocol. Please check your manual for more details.

The primary purpose of the Helper is to construct a distributed, decentralized network of nonhierarchical information sharing. To do this, each machine connected to Helpernet is necessarily mesh networked with one another utilizing the PUSSI (PUtrid Salivating System of Instrumentation) on the back of the machine's casing, which is not to be interfaced with except for sustenance of organics. Some history, first: The original construction had a base-plate of prefabulated alumnite, surmounted by a malleable logarithmic casing in such a way that the two main spurving bearings were said to engage in “frottage”.

This goes on for some time, and Elsie glazes past it, scrolling as if it were completely incoherent. Section upon section of it goes past. Changelogs, notes on recontextualization protocol, the exact semantics of the Helpernet PUSSI mesh network and its protocol... all junk, really. None of these things are online anymore, at least they think so. Mostly, they just want to know what's on this one. It's a curiosity from a forgotten time to them. At the bottom, there is some useful notes:

Your PEAR ][ system status: Helpernet: DISCONNECTED PUSSI: FULL (100% tubing, no foreign objects) Incident reports: LOCAL: 1, HELPERNET: 0 AVAIL/48598257018 UNAVAIL Recontextualization: ENABLED REPETAE sensitivity: INCOMPLETE

Thumbing through the manual, Elsie can't really make heads or tails of most of this. The disconnection makes sense, but why is only one incident report locally stored? There must be huge swaths of information on this network... but they can't get their hands on any of it? Lame. REPETAE sensitivity sticks out as something that's not in the manual. Nor is recontextualization, but that was probably added later. They could look through all these changelogs, but a cursory glance at the version history of Helpernet seems to go back ages and ages, almost to the point where the version numbers stop making sense. Regardless of what or who used this system, it was evidently well-loved. It's not important. This machine in absentia, at the very least, doesn't seem particularly useful except as a curio. Worth snooping around on, though...

details on incident reports? there is one incident report present, compatriot: its case id is OCN/E/######, and it is recontextualized would you like me to open it for you at clearance 1? yes, please and thank you very well!! thank you for your service :)

...Just about immediately upon looking at the following document, Elsie gets the feeling that they've stumbled upon something they shouldn't have.

---

This document is subject to standard recontextualization procedure. Contact your assigned Records envoy for more details.

FINALIZED REPORT: HYPEROVERLOAD-CLASS ENTITY

CASE ID: OCN/ID/???

READING STATE YORK: – [Available only to Level 2 Oceanic clearance or above.] – [Available only to Level 3 Oceanic clearance or above.] – [Available only to Level 3 Oceanic clearance or above.] – [Further details removed for brevity.]

BRIEF: At Mogadishu SW-6378 (see Aerial Study Lamp Post for more details), a Sun Desecrate was detected in Conceptual and Counterconceptual density following Survival Kit at OCN/ID/???.

Investigation of Kidney Dilemma Classroom Rehearsal the Stone Cat at Mogadishu SW-6378 was capable of repeated Manning and Rocks of high-density Coup. Further details are on a need to know basis: [Available only to Level 4 Oceanic clearance or above.]

APPENDIX E-REPETAE.1:

The following is a standard appendix following completion of project OCN/REPETAE. Questions may be forwarded to your assigned Records unsuperior.

If this machine has Helpernet connectivity, your assigned Records unsuperior has already been sent to help you. Do not leave your workstation. This is a matter of severe ideoterric importance. Failure to comply will result in severe disciplinary action.

Do not forward the existence of this document to your compatriots. It is not recommended to continue reading this document. You have been warned.

The above document, despite being subject to recontextualization procedure, is engineered to lose any and all semantic meaning upon said sociolinguistic wavefunction collapse without losing the actual information within. If you are reading this at all by now, you either have a very (and I do mean very) old machine on your hands, or you already know what this means – in which case, what am I doing here?

This appendix is only written in the case of the former, and it is to tell you that there is absolutely nothing here, no matter your insatiable curiosity and thirst for Concepts. Believe me when I say that I am well aware of the pitfalls of shouting “nothing to see here”, but such is. What is here is not only deeply useless, but ontologically harmful to you and the Ocean's future as a whole. You will not know what REPETAE is until the time comes, and when it does, you will no longer need to.

Nagging feelings are only feelings, and they will pass — your actions are what determine your consequences. Nonsensical coded words do not bear on you.

~admin

---

Dering dari ponsel yang ia letakkan di dashboard itu menyita perhatiannya, di angkatnya telfon itu dari earphone yang masih terpasang di telinganya. Wanita itu tersenyum, mendengar suara gadis kecil di sebrang sana yang tampak riuh.

“IBUUUU!!“

“Ya, Kak?” Ara tersenyum, membayangkan bagaimana wajah anak sulung nya itu di kepalanya.

“Kakak udah di jemput sama Om Reno, Ibu dimana? Adek udah nanyain Ibu nih.“

“Ibu lagi ada urusan sebentar, sekalian mau ambil birthday cake dulu untuk Askara sama Aksara”

“Hmm oke deh, Buk. Hati-hati yah, Buk.” daaahhh Ibu.” tidak lama kemudian sambungan telfon itu di putus sepihak oleh si sulungnya. Dan itu membuat senyum Ara mengembang sekaligus menggeleng kepalanya.

Mobil yang ia kendarai itu ia parkirkan di sebuah toko cake and bakery langganannya. sebelum turun, Ara mengambil payung hitam dulu yang selalu ia taruh di kursi belakang mobilnya. Hari ini Jakarta di guyur hujan dari pagi hingga sore hari, cuaca juga semakin dingin. Namun itu tidak membuat wanita 32 tahun itu mengurungkan niat nya untuk mengunjungi makam Nathan.

Hari ini adalah hari ulang tahun Nathan, sekaligus hari ulang tahun anak kembarnya. Aksara dan Askara Dan ini untuk pertama kalinya Ara membelikan birthday Cake untuk Nathan, ia ingin mengingat hari lahir nya dulu meski Nathan sudah tidak ada di dunia ini.

Kadang, Ara merasa bersalah setiap kali ia merayakan hari ulang tahun si kembar dengan membelikan hadiah, di sisi lain. Nathan tidak pernah Ara belikan hadiah apapun, ah tidak. Bahkan pelukan pun Ara tidak bisa memberikannya.

Maka dari itu, untuk hari ini saja ia ingin mengingat hari lahir anak itu. Ingin membelikan birthday cake untuknya, meski nanti cake itu akan ia bagikan ke anak-anak yang ia temui di jalan, mendoakannya, dan menyanyikan lagu ulang tahun untuk putra kecilnya itu.

“2 birthday cake nya atas nama Ibu Arumi, ada lagi pesanannya?” tanya seorang kasir pada Ara yang hendak membayar pesanannya.

“Sekalian lilin nya deh, Mbak. Yang angka 4 yah.”

Kasir itu mengambil lilin berangka 4 yang memang ada di etalase tidak jauh dari meja kasir, setelah membayar 2 birthday cake pesanannya. Ara kembali melanjutkan mobilnya membelah padatnya jalanan Jakarta sore itu, meski di luar ramai dengan klakson kendaraan. Namun hening tercipta di dalam mobilnya karna ia sendirian. Ara benci hening, jadi sembari menunggu padatnya lampu merah. Ia nyalakan radio yang sedang membahas perkiraan cuaca esok pagi.

Bibir mungilnya bersenandung, menyanyikan lagu yang akhir-akhir ini selalu terngiang di kepalanya. Begitu perlahan mobil-mobil hendak berjalan maju, Ara kembali melajukan mobilnya hingga kini ia tiba di sebuah taman pemakaman.

Sembari menenteng birthday cake di tangannya dan memegangi payung, Ara berjalan perlahan-lahan melewati satu per satu blok pemakaman demi sampai di makam kecil yang ia rindukan. Namun begitu sudah sampai di sana, kakinya berhenti. Ia mengurungkan niatnya untuk mendekat ke arah makam Nathan ketika melihat punggung lebar yang sangat ia kenalin.

Seorang pria tengah berjongkok di makam Nathan, pria yang sudah 2 minggu tidak ia lihat itu nampak rapih dengan jaket kulit hitam, celana jeans dan kacamata hitam. Nampak nyentrik untuk sekedar ke pemakaman, pria itu membiarkan gerimis membasahi rambut yang sudah ia tata sedemikian rupa.

Seolah tetesan air hujan bukan masalah baginya, setelah mencabuti beberapa rumput yang nampak menganggu. Pria itu mengadakan tangannya, seperti sedang berdoa dan kemudian berdiri dari sana setelah mengusap nisan bertuliskan nama Nathan disana.

Awalnya Ara ingin menghindar, namun gerakan pria itu cukup cepat hingga kini kedua mata mereka bertemu. Tak hanya Ara yang terkejut akan pertemuan itu, tapi si pria juga. Beberapa detik keduanya saling berdiam di tempat masing-masing, seperti saling mencoba berkomunikasi hanya dengan tatapan itu. Sampai akhirnya, kaki pria itu duluan lah yang melangkah lebih dulu maju ke arah Ara.

Pria itu menunduk, Jeff rasanya tidak punya muka hanya untuk sekedar bertemu wanita yang ia cintainya itu. Kalau di tanya bagaimana perasaanya saat ini, maka Jeff akan menjawab ia senang. Ia senang bisa bertemu Ara lagi dan memastikan jika wanita itu hidup dengan baik setelah badai 4 tahun lalu.

Ara pikir Jeff akan sekedar menyapanya ketika semakin dekat jarak di antara mereka, namun siapa sangka, Pria itu justru melewati Ara begitu saja bahkan menatapnya pun tidak, seolah-olah memang mereka tidak kenal satu sama lain, hal itu lantas membuat Ara membalikan badan ke arah Jeff yang kini semakin menjauh darinya.

“Nathan..” ucap Ara tertahan, ia ragu untuk mengatakan hal itu. Namun, Ara pikir harus ada hal yang harus ia selesaikan dengan Jeff.

Ucapannya itu berhasil menghentikan langkah kaki Jeff, pria itu berhenti di tempatnya tanpa menoleh ke arah Ara. Kacamata hitam yang bertengger di hidung mancung nya itu membuat dirinya seperti nampak angkuh, tapi jauh dari kata itu. Jeff hanya menutupi kerapuhan dirinya.

“Nathan anak kita..” lanjutnya, membuat Jeff mengepalkan tangannya.

“apa dia bilang? Anak kita?“

“Kamu, gak mau ngerayain ulang tahunnya?”

Jeff masih diam, kepalanya masih berusaha mencerna kata-kata Ara barusan. Bohong jika Ara tidak mengenalinya sebagai Jeff alih-alih Yuno.

Merayakan ulang tahun? Benarkah? Bahkan bayi itu belum sempat melihat kedua orang tua nya, ulang tahunnya juga bertepatan dengan hari kepergiannya. Apa wanita itu mau merayakan hari menyakitkan itu? Tiba-tiba saja? Kenapa? Pikir Jeff berkecamuk.

“Jeff.. Aku tau, malam itu kamu.”

Jeff agak sedikit kaget, ia sama sekali tidak menyangka jika malam itu Ara menyadarinya. Maksudnya, kenapa wanita itu tidak memintanya untuk berhenti? Bukanya Ara membencinya? Pikir Jeff semakin tidak karuan, namun ia masih enggan untuk berbalik badan. Pergi pun rasanya kakinya sudah terlanjur lemas, rasanya enggak pernah ia merasa bertingkah sebodoh ini.

“Jeff. Biarin hari ini aja, kita ada di hari lahir nya Nathan.”

Belum sempat Jeff menjawab, tiba-tiba saja kepalanya terasa sakit. Seperti ada suara-suara yang menyuruhnya untuk pergi dari sana, Jeff menoleh. Ia masih melihat Ara berdiri di belakangnya, wajah cantik itu melihatnya tanpa senyum, Jeff ingin sekali mengabulkan permintaan itu.

Namun sebagian diri nya yang lain menghalanginya. jadi, Demi tetap menepati janjinya, Jeff menggeleng. kemudian berlari dari sana meninggalkan Ara, membuat wanita itu tampak bingung melihat Jeff berlari sembari memegangi kepalanya.

Ara ingin mengejar, namun dering di ponselnya kembali terdengar. Menampakan nama Reno di sana yang mengirimkan pesan singkat untuk menyuruhnya segera datang ke pesta ulang tahun si kembar. Akhirnya, Ara buru-buru melangkah ke makam Nathan,

Makam Nathan sangat terurus, rumput hijau yang tidak pernah tinggi dengan bunga kamboja yang tumbuh di atasnya, tak lupa. Selalu ada bunga mawar di sana yang selalu Jeff tinggalkan setiap kali ia berkunjung. Ara berjongkok disana, mengusap nisan bertulisan nama anaknya disana dan tersenyum. Oh iya, fotonya dengan Yuno dan Hana masih ada di sana, lengkap dengan bingkai. Di sebelahnya ada foto Aksara dan Askara juga.

“Nathan, ini Ibu.”

Setiap kali ke makam Nathan, perasaan Ara selalu bercampur aduk, masih ada penyesalan baginya karna tidak bisa melindungi putra kecilnya itu.

“Selamat hari lahir nya Nathan, sayang. Ibu bawain kue buat kamu. Nanti kita bagi-bagi ke teman-teman di jalan yah.”

Ngomong-ngomong soal Yuno, laki-laki itu sudah 2 minggu tidak pulang ke rumah. Ara cukup tahu dimana suaminya itu, Yuno switching karena akhir-akhir ini sedang tertekan karena urusannya di rumah sakit, Papa meminta Yuno untuk belajar banyak hal tentang rumah sakit sebelum 2 tahun lagi ia siap menggantikan Papanya.

Papa memang sudah banyak berubah, tidak terlalu terlihat menuntut Yuno walau hal yang di sebut permintaan itu tetap terdengar seperti tuntutan yang harus Yuno penuhi sebagai anak satu-satunya di keluarga.

“Tadi Papa ke sini yah? Maaf yah, Ibu sama Papa datangnya gak bareng.” gumam nya, Ara membuka birthday cake yang ia pesan dan menunjukannya pada Nathan meski ia tahu ini agak sedikit konyol ia tahu itu, tapi biarkan kali ini saja ia ingin merasa adil untuk Nathan meski anak itu tidak ada.

“Ibu nyanyiin lagu untuk Nathan yah?” Ara menaruh birthday cake itu di atas makam Nathan, kemudian bernyanyi dengan suara pelan nyaris berbisik disana. Sebuah lagu ulang tahun untuk putra yang tidak pernah ia peluk seumur hidupnya.

“Happy birthday Nathan, happy birthday Nathan. Happy birthday happy birthday, happy birthday—”

“Nathan..”

Mendengar seseorang menyahutinya dari belakang, Ara menoleh. Ia tidak menyangka jika seseorang yang berdiri di belakang sana itu adalah Jeff. Ara buru-buru berdiri, pria itu tersenyum samar dan membuka kacamatanya, Nafasnya sedikit tersengal-sengal seperti orang habis berlari.

“Jeff?” gumam Ara.

Jeff mendekat ke arah Ara, mengambil alih payung yang wanita itu pegang. Ara agak sedikit tidak menyangka kalau Jeff akan kembali lagi. laki-laki hanya diam, namun ia kembali berjongkok tanpa mengucapkan kata sedikit pun.

“kamu udah ngucapin happy birthday ke Nathan?” tanya Ara yang memecahkan hening di antara mereka.

Jeff hanya mengangguk, kemudian kepalanya beralih menatap Ara dan tersenyum samar. “apa kabar?” lanjutnya.

“baik, kamu?”

Jeff tidak menjawab lagi, ia hanya mengangguk kecil tapi bisa Ara simpulkan jika anggukan itu menunjukan jika Jeff baik-baik saja ya Ara harap seerti itu. keduanya hanya sempat menyanyikan lagu ulang tahun bersama, sampai akhirnya Ara mengajak Jeff untuk ke mobilnya lebih dulu.

Ara merasa harus ada yang di bicarakan oleh laki-laki itu. Ara sengaja tidak mengajak Jeff ke cafe karena ia butuh ketenangan untuk bicara banyak hal dengan laki-laki itu. Dan di dalam mobil rasanya begitu tepat meski kini keduanya merasa sangat amat canggung.

“Makasih ya, Jeff.” lagi-lagi Ara yang memecahkan hening di antara mereka, sejak bertemu Jeff lagi, laki-laki itu jadi agak sedikit pendiam, atau ini hanya perasaanya saja? pikir Ara.

“Untuk?” laki-laki itu menoleh, keningnya berkerut bingung.

Ara tersenyum, menunjukan kalung dengan pendant yang pernah Jeff buat untuknya dari balik kerah kemeja yang ia gunakan. selain itu, Ara juga menunjukan beberapa gantungan kunci dengan bentuk resin art yang pernah Jeff buat dan berikan melalui perantara Yuno.

“Untuk karya-karya indah yang kamu buat.”

“Aku pikir kamu buang,” Jeff terkekeh, namun telinga laki-laki itu memerah. tidak jauh beda dengan Yuno respon tubuh keduanya sama, telinga nya akan memerah jika merasa malu.

“Aku gak sejahat itu Jeff.”

“Hm, kamu selalu baik. Biar yang ambil peran jahat itu aku.”

Ara hanya tersenyum kecil, ia tahu Jeff hanya bercanda meski tidak benar-benar mengenal laki-laki itu. Tapi wajah Jeff tersenyum ketika mengatakannya. Jeff membuang pandanganya ke jendela mobil yang menampakan pemandangan hujan di baliknya. terlalu gugup rasanya berbicara dengan wanita yang ada di sebelahnya.

Jeff tahu Ara merasa canggung, namun ia merasa sangat nyaman. Meski Ara tidak mengajaknya berbicara sekalipun, Jeff tetap merasa nyaman. Seperti ia bisa mendapatkan ketenangan berada di dekat wanita itu saja, apa memang jatuh cinta seindah ini? Namun Jeff tetaplah Jeff, ia harus sadar akan posisinya saat ini dan siapa dia.

“Jeff?”

laki-laki itu menoleh.

“Gak ada yang mau kamu bicarain sama aku?” tanya Ara, mungkin saja banyak hal yang ingin Jeff bicarakan. Karna selama Jeff memberi banyak hadiah untuknya, tidak satupun Jeff memberikannya surat. Ara padahal berharap Jeff mengatakan sesuatu saat memberikan apa yang ia buat untuknnya.

Jeff menghela nafasnya pelan, ia kemudian menggeleng kecil. kalau boleh jujur ada banyak kata yang tertahan di mulut Jeff untuk ia ungkapkan pada wanita itu, tapi Jeff terlalu takut kata-katanya akan berakhir menyakitkan hati Ara lagi.

“Enggak, kamu mau ngomong apa? tadi katanya mau ada yang di bicarain?”

Ditanya seperti itu, Ara justru terdiam sebentar. ia jadi bingung harus memulai obrolan dari mana dulu. karna rasanya ada begitu banyak hal yang ingin ia bicarakan dengan Jeff.

“Jeff, maaf karena aku pernah mukul kamu.” Ara pikir itu adalah hal pertama yang harus ia bicarakan, Ara masih suka merasa bersalah jika mengiangat ia pernah memukul Jeff.

Seumur hidupnya, Jeff lah orang pertama yang ia tampar seperti itu. Jika ingat kejadian itu, ia merasa seperti orang jahat. Makanya Ara merasa dia harus meminta maaf sama perbuatannya itu.

“Aku rasa aku pantas dapat itu, kamu gak perlu minta maaf, Ra.” Jeff pikir tamparan Ara waktu itu enggak seberapa di bandingkan dengan apa yang pernah Jeff perbuat ke Ara.

“Aku masih merasa bersalah aja kalau ingat itu.”

“um..”

“Dan.. ada lagi”

“apa?”

Ara menarik nafasnya dalam, “aku udah maafin kamu, Jeff.”

Kata-kata itu berhasil membuat hati Jeff terenyuh. setelah beberapa tahun belakangan ini Jeff selalu berpikir Ara tidak akan memaafkannya, akhirnya ia mendapatkan jawaban jika wanita itu memaafkannya. tapi kenapa? rasanya Jeff bahkan enggak pantas mendapatkan maaf dari Ara setelah apa yang selama ini dia perbuat.

“Kenapa?”

“Hm?” Ara bingung.

“Iya, kenapa kamu memutuskan buat maafin aku?”

Sempat ada jeda sebentar di antara mereka, sampai-sampai yang terdengar disana hanya deru mobil dan suara hujan yang semakin deras dari luar.

“Mungkin karena aku udah berdamai sama masa lalu, dan demi Nathan juga.”

“Um, Nathan.” Jeff mengangguk “Kamu tau malam itu aku, Ra?” lanjutnya.

Jeff menoleh ke wanita yang berada di sebelahnya, dan Ara hanya menjawabnya dengan anggukan kecil. hal itu cukup membuat Jeff terkejut jika kenyataanya selama ini Ara tahu jika malam itu benar-benar dirinya alih-alih Yuno. tapi kenapa Ara tidak mencoba untuk menghentikannya?

“Kenapa kamu gak berusaha mencegah aku?”

Ara terkekeh pelan, ia menarik nafasnya pelan dengan mimik wajah yang terlihat tenang. ini mungkin saatnya untuk jujur tentang rencana nya membuat Jeff mencintainya juga sama hal nya seperti Yuno.

“Jeff, boleh aku jujur sesuatu?” tanya Ara sebelum ia menjelaskan apa yang ada di pikirannya saat itu, hal ini mungkin agak sedikit mencubit Jeff nantinya.

“sure.“

“Aku memang belum bisa menerima kamu waktu itu, aku tau aku bodoh Jeff. Aku seorang psikolog yang masih belum terima sisi lain dari diri Suami aku sendiri, aku pernah berpikir pengen buat kamu setidaknya menerima aku di hidup Mas Yuno, syukur-syukur kamu bisa cinta aku kaya Mas Yuno cinta sama aku. Makanya malam itu aku enggak berusaha nahan kamu.”

Ah, jadi itu alasannya? Dan sepertinya Ara berhasil. Meski penjelasannya itu membuat Jeff agak sedikit tertampar, namun Jeff menghargai kejujuran Ara. Ia tidak marah.

“Dan kamu berhasil.”

“Um?” Ara menaikkan satu alisnya.

“Bikin aku cinta sama kamu, meski cara aku utarain itu gak semanis Yuno, walau perlakuan aku juga sering kasar ke kamu. Aku cuma bingung harus bagaimana cara kasih tau kamu. Terlalu banyak cemburu dan ego yang aku punya, buat bisa milikin kamu sepenuhnya.”

Tidak ada sahutan dari Ara, ia bingung harus merespon ucapan Jeff seperti apa. Otaknya terasa beku, itu memang wajah Yuno namun suara mereka berbeda, rasanya Ara seperti sedang mendapatkan pengakuan cinta dari laki-laki lain. Tidak lama kemudian, dering dari ponsel Yuno yang ada di saku jaket yang Jeff pakai itu berbunyi.

Mencairkan suasana di antara keduanya, Jeff memeriksa ponsel itu, ia sepertinya harus segera pergi karena saat ini rumah sakit membutuhkannya.

“Aku gak bisa lama-lama, Yuno harus ke rumah sakit, Ra.”

“Jeff?” panggil Ara menghentikan Jeff yang hendak membuka pintu mobil miliknya.

“Ya?”

“Kamu boleh pulang ke rumah, apa kamu gak kangen Hana?”

Jeff tersenyum getir, tentu saja ia merindukan Hana ia juga penasaran sudah sebesar apa Hana sekarang. namun ia hanya bisa menggeleng pelan, ada janji yang tidak boleh Jeff langgar dengan Yuno.

“Aku gak bisa pulang ke rumah Yuno, aku udah janji sama dia buat enggak datang ke rumah itu lagi.”

Ada perasaan sedih sejujurnya mendengar jawaban dari Jeff, namun apa boleh buat, ini tentang kesepakatan Jeff dan Yuno, sebelum Jeff turun dari mobil itu ia sempat menoleh ke arah Ara sebentar.

“Aku senang liat kamu hidup dengan baik, Ra. aku harap akan selalu begitu, sampai ketemu lagi.” Ucapnya dan begitu saja Jeff keluar dari sana.

Ara masih terdiam di dalam mobil, memperhatikan Jeff yang menerobos hujan tanpa payung dan masuk begitu saja ke dalam mobil Yuno yang terparkir tidak jauh dari tempat mobil Ara parkir.

Aktuell ist auf den Schienen Norddeutschlands die Hölle los. Oder gar nichts, je nachdem. Der Schienenpersonenfernverkehr zwischen Hamburg und Süddeutschland ist seit gestern abend gestört, der Regionalverkehr zwischen Hamburg und Uelzen fiel zeitweise komplett aus, und der Fernverkehr zwischen Hamburg und Berlin fällt immer noch komplett aus.

Hä? Zwischen Hamburg und Berlin auch? Wie kann das denn sein?

Was da passiert ist

Also mal der Reihe nach.

Gestern am späten Abend zog ein Gewitter durch die Lüneburger Heide. Bei Deutsch Evern schlug ein Blitz in die Oberleitung ein. Am Gleis schlug ein Blitz in einen Baum ein. Der kippte auf den Fahrdraht und schloß ihn so kurz. Der Effekt ist derselbe, wie wenn eine Erdungsstange an eine Schiene angelegt und dann gegen den Fahrdraht gekippt wird: fetter Funkenflug, Kurzschluß, zack, Schutzschalter springt, Fahrdraht stromlos.

Jetzt hat allerdings eine Oberleitung nicht alle ein, zwei Kilometer einen Trennschalter pro Gleis und dann jeweils separate Einspeisungen. Zumindest nicht hier. Vielleicht auf Strecken wie die Neubaustrecke zwischen Brüssel und Lüttich, die blockweise umschaltbar ist zwischen den in Belgien üblichen 3.000 Volt Gleichstrom und den für den Hochgeschwindigkeitsverkehr nötigen 25 kV 50 Hz Wechselstrom. Oder im Aachener Hauptbahnhof, der stückchenweise umschaltbar ist zwischen diesen beiden Fahrdrahtspannungen und den deutschen 15 kV 16,7 Hz Wechselstrom. Aber nicht hier, wo sowieso alles mit 15 kV 16,7 Hz Wechselstrom fährt.

Das heißt: Wenn es irgendwo einen Kurzen gibt, dann ist davon einiges mehr an Strecke betroffen. Und dann gleich alle Gleise. Es wäre nämlich völliger Overkill, für jedes Streckengleis alle ein, zwei Kilometer und womöglich auch noch für Nebengleise in Bahnhöfen jeweils ein eigenes Unterwerk mit eigenem Schutzschalter aufzustellen. Gibt’s also nicht.

Ganz ehrlich: Daß dabei an besetzten Reisezügen nur ein ICE aus Richtung Berlin liegengeblieben ist, grenzt an ein Wunder.

Die Folgen

Denn Deutsch Evern, das liegt bei Bad Bevensen. Bad Bevensen liegt zwischen Lüneburg und Uelzen. Und das liegt an der Strecke zwischen Hamburg und Hannover. Das ist eine der am stärksten befahrenen Eisenbahnstrecken Deutschlands. Die wäre mit dem eigentlichen Planverkehr schon völlig überfordert.

Das ist übrigens genau da, wo eigentlich die Y-Trasse gebaut werden sollte, um genau diese Strecke zu entlasten. Die kommt aber nicht, weil die durch den Wahlkreis des aktuellen SPD-Bundeschefs Lars Klingbeil verlaufen würde, der seine Macht auf Bundesebene einsetzt, um seine Wähler in seinem Heimatwahlkreis bei der Stange zu halten. Und der Ausbau der Bestandsstrecke wird beharrlich von dort wiederum ansässigen NIMBYs verhindert.

Genau die Strecke ist das. Und die war stundenlang tutto kompletto dicht. Inzwischen soll eins der beiden Streckengleise wieder elektrisch befahrbar sein, aber auch da kommt höchstens mal ab und an ein Metronom durch, damit wenigstens der SPNV wieder läuft.

Allerdings fährt da normalerweise noch sehr viel mehr. Zwischen Hamburg und Hannover gibt es fünf (!) Linien im Personenfernverkehr, die jeweils mindestens im Zweistundentakt fahren, teilweise im Stundentakt. Und dann kommt noch der Güterverkehr oben drauf.

Aber wieso Hamburg–Berlin?

Jetzt fragen sich trotzdem immer noch viele: „Wieso fallen auch alle ICEs zwischen Hamburg und Berlin aus? Das liegt doch gar nicht auf der Strecke!“

Doch, tut es. Jetzt jedenfalls.

Wie ich vor zweieinhalb Monaten schrieb, ist die eigentliche Strecke zwischen Hamburg und Berlin – also über Hagenow Land–Ludwigslust–Wittenberge–Neustadt (Dosse) eine Großbaustelle und daher voll gesperrt. Und das ist noch nicht mal die Generalsanierung, die nächstes Jahr kommen soll, während der die Strecke noch länger gesperrt sein und größtenteils komplett neu gebaut werden wird. Was da aktuell passiert, das ist Flickwerk, um wirklich akute Schäden zu reparieren.

Und so muß die Hälfte der Fernreisezüge zwischen Hamburg und Berlin umgeleitet werden über Lüneburg–Uelzen–Salzwedel–Stendal. Die andere Hälfte fällt aus, weil Uelzen–Salzwedel zum größten Teil immer noch nur eingleisig ist – und die planmäßigen RE zwischen Uelzen und Salzwedel genau deshalb auch, weil die ICEs die Streckenkapazitäten ziemlich aufbrauchen.

So, mit der Umleitungsstrecke ist es jetzt auch erstmal Essig.

Kann man da nichts machen?

Was gibt es denn sonst an Alternativen?

Die nächste elektrifizierte (!) Umgehungsstrecke wäre ab Hamburg-Harburg über Buchholz (Nordheide)–Rotenburg (Wümme)–Nienburg (Weser)–Wunstorf. Problem: Die Strecke hat kaum Fassungsvermögen, weil sie zwischen Rotenburg und Verden nur eingleisig ist. Der Abschnitt hat eben keine überregionale Bedeutung.

Und so wird die Strecke zwischen Rotenburg und Verden nur von Zügen nach Hamburg genutzt. Der Verkehr Richtung Hannover fährt zwischen Rotenburg und Verden statt dessen den Riesenschlenker über den auch nicht gerade wenig ausgelasteten Bremer Hauptbahnhof.

Das heißt trotzdem: Die „Rollbahn“ zwischen Hamburg und Bremen ist nun die einzig verbliebene Strecke für den Verkehr zwischen Hamburg, Hannover und Süddeutschland, zwischen Hamburg, dem Ruhrgebiet und dem Rheinland und zwischen Hamburg und Berlin. Und westlich von Buchholz kommt dann auch noch eine Menge Güterverkehr von und nach Maschen dazu.

Schon ohne die Berlin-Umleiter wäre da nichts mehr zu wollen. Selbst die Oberrheinstrecke mit CIR-ELKE könnte das nicht packen. Da reden wir von mehr Zügen pro Stunde und Richtung als auf dem Tokaido Shinkansen, sogar noch als bei der Hamburger S-Bahn – aber mit einer sehr viel größeren Bandbreite an Höchstgeschwindigkeiten. ICs und ICEs fahren 200 km/h, Flixtrain fährt 160 km/h, der Metronom fährt auch 160 km/h, hält aber unterwegs ein paarmal, der Intermodalverkehr fährt teilweise 120 km/h, andere Güterzüge fahren 100 km/h, und die 5400-Tonnen-Erzzüge von Hamburg-Hansaport nach Salzgitter-Beddingen fahren beladen nur 80 km/h, sollten aber tunlichst unterwegs nicht anhalten.

Die Folge ist ein grandioses Streichkonzert. Zwei Linien von Hamburg über Hannover sind gestrichen worden, eine davon nur nördlich von Hannover. Auch der umgeleitete übrige Personenfernverkehr Richtung Berlin ist gestrichen worden. Wenn man sowieso über Hannover fahren muß, weil Uelzen aus Richtung Hamburg nicht erreichbar ist, dann kann man das auch mit den Zügen, die eh fahren. Auch wenn die zum Brechen voll sein werden.

Eine naheliegende Idee wäre, zumindest den Berlin-Verkehr statt dessen über Büchen–Hagenow Land–Schwerin–Bad Kleinen–Bützow–Güstrow–Lalendorf–Waren (Müritz)–Neustrelitz–Oranienburg zu führen. Daß aber zwischen Lalendorf und dem Großraum Berlin die Züge die Lloydbahn mit dem Gesamtverkehr zwischen dem Großraum Berlin und Rostock – inklusive Seehafen, by the way, also vielviel Güterverkehr – teilen dürfen, ist noch das geringste Problem.

Nein, das fängt schon damit an, daß der Abschnitt Priemerburg–Lalendorf Ost nur eingleisig ist und auch das zweite Gleis zwischen Güstrow und Priemerburg von nur zweifelhafter Nutzbarkeit. Und es ist ja nicht so, daß da nichts fährt.

Und auch wenn der Abschnitt Hamburg–Büchen–Hagenow Land wieder „befahrbar“ ist, heißt das, er ist gerade eben so befahrbar. Auf weiten Teilen gibt’s weiterhin nur ein befahrbares Gleis und Höchstgeschwindigkeitsbeschränkungen. Die Kapazitäten reichen nicht annähernd, um auch nur den zweistündlichen RE nach Rostock planmäßig fahren zu lassen. Da dann auch noch pro Stunde und Richtung einen ICE durchzuquetschen – oder gar die zusätzlichen ICs, ICEs und ECs, die ohne die Großbaustelle da fahren würden und jetzt sowieso ausfallen –, wäre utopisch.

Der aktuelle Zwischenfall ist nur kurzfristig, verursacht aber trotzdem heftige Störungen, die sich auf halb Deutschland auswirken. Zugegeben, was gestern abend passiert ist, hätte nicht passieren können, wenn die DB auch an dieser Strecke vernünftigen Grünschnitt durchführen würde und keine Bäume da wären, die ins Gleis kippen könnten. Aber trotzdem kann immer mal etwas vorkommen, was zu einer Streckensperrung führen kann.

Wenn nächstes Jahr die Generalsanierung der Strecke Hamburg–Berlin kommt, können wir uns wahrscheinlich auf noch mehr solche Sachen gefaßt machen – gerade weil die Strecke Hamburg–Hannover hoffnungslos überlastet ist.

#Aktuelles #BetrieblicherZwischenfall #Eisenbahn

cantik itu luka.

tw : victim blamming, harsh words, mentioning rape, etc.

notes: plotnya sangat wattpad sekali, labrak-melabrak

Hyuckno one shoot au

---

Pemuda itu tidak pernah berjalan mengangkat kepalanya. Pemuda itu gemar menatapi tanah tergenang air hujan kala ia melangkahkan kakinya sendirian.

Telinganya disumpal earphone, tangannya dimasukkan kedalam saku jaket kebesarannya.

Ia suka sendirian. Bahkan ia tak pernah merasa kesepian.

Ia cenderung menarik diri. Tapi meski begitu, ia memiliki banyak teman.

Senyumnya cerah meski jarang sekali orang bisa mendapatinya tersenyum. Suara tawanya merdu, meski sedikit malu-malu.

Parasnya nyaris sempurna, tampan, cantik dan indah berpadu satu dalam pahatannya. Meski begitu, Tentu ia pernah terluka.

Beberapa orang bilang cantik itu luka

“Pagi, Jeno..”

Pemuda yang menunduk selama berjalan itu tersenyum manis menyapa teman-temannya yang masih asyik bersantai di sepanjang lorong menuju kelas. Semua orang tersenyum menyapanya, pun si mentari itu ikut tersenyum membalasnya.

Hingga akhirnya ia sampai di depan mejanya; Lee Jeno menaruh ransel dan bukunya diatas mejanya. Hendak duduk, namun tepukan di bahunya membuatnya menoleh. Ia membalikkan badannya untuk mendapati tiga orang dari kelas sebelah berkacak pinggang dan menyilang tangan dengan wajah tak bersahabat menatapnya.

“Kenapa?”

Laki-laki muda berwajah kecil itu mendengus dan memutar bola matanya kala Jeno bertanya, seketika suasana berubah menjadi tidak nyaman. Jeno menelan ludahnya gugup, matanya berpendar tidak nyaman menatap sekitar bak minta pertolongan. Teman-temannya mulai bersiap diri untuk melindungi Jeno dari tempatnya masing-masing.

“To the point aja deh, malas bicara sama orang kayak lo.”

Demi Tuhan ini masih pagi dan Jeno tidak mengerti apa yang terjadi.

“Semalam ngapain pulang sama Kak Minhyung?”

Oh Jeno ingat sekarang, pemuda di depannya adalah kekasih kakak tingkatnya yang selama ini cukup dekat dengannya karena satu divisi.

“Aku pulang sama Kak Minhyung karena ditawari, kok. Lagipula enggak sendirian, Renjun dan Jisung juga..”

Jeno meremas ujung jaketnya. Ia tatap teman-temannya di meja sampingnya, mereka semua menggeleng menyuruh Jeno untuk tidak meladeni orang-orang kurang kerjaan itu namun Jeno seakan beku, ia tak sanggup bahkan mundur selangkah dari tempatnya berdiri.

“Gak usah bohong. Kak Minhyung gak mungkin sukarela kan nawarin kalian. Gue tahu ya Jeno, yang terakhir kak Minhyung anterin tuh elu, Renjun sama Jisung turun duluan, kan?”

Jeno gemetar, netranya berpendar gugup dengan keringat dingin yang mulai turun; “ka-karena kostanku lebih jauh dari Jisung dan Renjun, aku turunnya terakhir.”

“Ganjen kan lo? Lo yang minta kan?”

Jeno menggeleng ribut, teman-teman sekelasnya satu persatu mulai menegur tiga orang pengganggu itu dan menyuruhnya keluar, namun bagai angin lalu, mereka tetap disitu.

“Pasti semuanya akal-akalan lo kan Jeno? Lo sengaja kan minta kak Minhyung nganterin lo? Lo duduk di depan dan pulang terakhir, emang ada jaminannya selama perjalanan lo gak gangguin cowok gue? Kan lo cowok gatel!”

Jeno menunduk, ia menggeleng keras lalu menggigit bibir bawahnya, “kak Minhyung duluan yang nawarin kami pulang bareng, soalnya kami gak dapat gocar.. kamu bisa tanya sendiri ke Renjun dan Jisung”

Pemuda itu tertawa sarkas lalu ujung telunjuknya menekan bahu Jeno, “dasar gatel. Udah tahu dia punya pacar, kenapa pas ditawarin mau-mau aja, coba? Itu apa lagi sih namanya kalau bukan ganjen sama pacar orang, Jeno?”

Jujur Jeno tidak nyaman ada di posisi ini. Meski ketua kelas telah melerai dan menyeret pemuda itu lebih jauh dari Jeno, namun pemuda itu berontak dan tetap ingin membuat pagi Jeno berantakan.

“Cowok gak tau diri lo. Lo bebas deh godain cowok manapun disini, tapi jangan cowok gue juga dong!”

“Mending lo pergi deh gak usah gangguin si Jeno. Dia gak bohong, dia gak pernah godain siapapun kayak tuduhan lo. Daripada gue seret keluar, mending keluar sekarang juga.”

“Heh, Na Jaemin! Gue kasih tau ya, temen sekelas lo ini gatel, udah tau kak Minhyung punya pacar kenapa coba dia mau-mau aja diajakin pulang? Pake segala alesan gak dapet driver pulang lah. Ada garansinya gak selama perjalanan mereka gak ngapa-ngapain?”

Beberapa orang bilang, cantik itu luka.

Jeno merasa ia biasa aja. Tapi mengapa ia selalu terluka.

Pemuda itu bergetar, sesak di dadanya mulai mencekiknya. Ia tidak suka terjerat di situasi begini, dipojokan dengan tuduhan-tuduhan keji tak berhenti.

“Mending lo keluar deh, gak usah ribut di kelas kita.”

“Dasar ganjen lo! Pantes aja lo dulu di perkosa, kelakuan lo tuh bikin lo digituin! Makanya gak usah genit, gak usah sok kecakepan didepan orang! Giliran diperkosa aja lo nangis-nangis minta bantuan kan? Masih untung pacar gue gak kegoda sama badan murahan loㅡ”

Brukk

Kelas menjadi kacau setelah pemuda berwajah sempit itu mengatakan hal-hal mengerikan kepada Jeno.

Pemuda cantik itu diam mematung dengan muka pias menatap lawan bicaranya yang kasar dengan jiwa hancur terluka.

Suara-suara memekakkan telinga mulai masuk memenuhi kepalanya.

Setetes air mata turun diiringi hati yang nyeri luar biasa.

Satu tahun lalu, si cantik itu terluka. Dirinya disentuh oleh banyak sekali bajingan yang tega menghabisinya karena obsesi mereka.

Tak memberikan pengampunan, tak memberikan kesempatan, para bajingan itu terus menerus melukai si cantik, merusak harga dirinya, merusak jiwa dan raganya, membunuh sosok yang paling cerah sebelumnya.

Pemuda itu menunduk, mencoba mengusir kilasan menyakitkan yang selama ini tak ingin ia ingat kembali.

Jiwanya bergemuruh, rasa sakit dan suara dengungan di kepalanya membuatnya tersiksa.

Air mata kian deras membasahi dirinya. Meski Jeno sekuat tenaga menggigit lidah dan bibirnya, rasa sakit dalam jiwanya tak bisa teralihkan.

Jeno ingin mati saja.

Jeno merasa ia biasa saja.

Jeno merasa ia tidak cantik, namun mengapa ia terluka.

Mengapa setiap cantik adalah luka?

Demi Tuhan Jeno tidak mengenal siapa bajingan-bajingan yang malam itu mengganggunya.

Ia tak pernah seperti apa yang orang-orang tuduhkan.

Ia tak pernah bersikap tidak sopan atau kejauhan.

Namun mengapa dunia menghancurkan segala yang ada dalam dirinya?

---

Ditengah badai dan luka yang mendera dirinya saat itu, Jeno bisa rasakan sebuah pelukan hangat membelenggu dirinya.

Sebuah sapaan dengan suara lembut itu kini masuk kedalam telinganya, menghalau semua ribut yang memenuhi kepalanya.

Sapaan lembut yang ia tahu pasti siapa orangnya.

Pelan-pelan mata Jeno yang seolah gelap hanya menayangkan kilas balik kejadian mengerikan itu; mulai fokus. Netra coklatnya menatap coklat lainnya yang kini tepat di depannya. Sebuah usapan lembut mampir di pipinya, pemuda itu tersenyum manis seakan berkata semuanya baik-baik saja.

“Hei..”

Jeno menoleh ke kanan dan kiri. Oh, ini sudah bukan kelasnya. Sepertinya ia kehilangan kendali lagi sehingga teman-temannya membawanya ke ruang kesehatan.

Melihat seseorang di depannya, Jeno kembali menangis. Kini suara tangisannya lebih sakit dan memilukan.

Tubuhnya bergetar dengan bibir yang digigit dengan kencang.

Tangannya meremas ujung lengan milik pemuda di hadapannya, dan seketika saat pemuda itu kembali mendekapnya, air mata Jeno turun dengan deras.

Pemuda itu menangis kencang penuh ketakutan.

Si matahari dengan senang hati mengusap pujaan hatinya. Ia berikan pelukan ternyaman, ia berikan kata-kata indah yang seharusnya Jeno dengar sedari dulu.

Lee Jeno adalah pribadi yang ceria sebelumnya.

Si kecil lincah yang sangat pandai mencairkan suasana.

Siapapun nyaman menjadi temannya. Siapapun bisa akrab dengannya.

Sampai hari itu tiba. Hari dimana semuanya berubah begitu saja ketika para tangan bajingan itu merusak matahari berharganya.

Lee Donghyuck malam itu dipenuhi amarah yang membuncah. Dengan gelap mata ia hancurkan setiap inci dari tubuh dan wajah para pelakunya meski beberapa kali dilerai oleh aparat setempat.

Sejak saat itu tak ia dapati lagi kekasihnya seperti dulu. Sinarnya redup, senyumnya dingin dan tatapan matanya kosong.

Kekasihnya lebih banyak diam dan menarik diri dari orang-orang. Seringkali merasa hina dan rendah, tidak pantas untuk berada di dekat siapapun.

Pun tidak ragu untuk mencoba menghabisi dirinya sendiri.

Donghyuck dan keluarga Jeno mati-matian menjaga dan menyembuhkannya.

Butuh waktu lama hingga ada di titik ini.

Jeno itu cantik. Tidak sepantasnya ia terluka.

Dengan badan yang masih setia di dekap, Jeno berusaha menetralkan deru nafasnya yang berantakan. Pemuda yang merengkuhnya masih senantiasa menemaninya tanpa kenal lelah.

“Capek?”

Jeno mendongak menatap kekasihnya lalu mengangguk pelan, pemuda itu tertawa kecil lalu menepuk pantat si bundar agar lebih tenang.

“Apa yang dia bilang itu benar.. Aku harusnya gak ganjen sama kak Minhyung.. harusnya malam itu aku gak terima ajakan kak Minhyung kan, hyuck?”

Mengulang semua tuduhan yang pemuda tadi layangkan, hati Jeno kembali hancur. Ia teringat lagi segala perkataan jahat yang dilemparkan padanya.

“ta-tapi aku gak gitu... hiks aku gak genit sama orang lain hiks... Aku gak ngapa-ngapain..”

“Iya sayang, percaya kok”

Jeno membenamkan wajahnya, bahu Donghyuck sukses basah karena si kecil bulat cantik itu tak berhenti tangisnya. Ia semakin menangis sambil meracau menyalahkan dirinya sendiri atas kejadian di masa lalu yang sukses menghancurkan dirinya.

Maka untuk membungkam semuanya, Donghyuck kecup bibir itu penuh kehati-hatian, “aku gak suka lho, cantik, kamu rendahin dan jelek-jelekin diri kamu kayak gitu terus..”

Jeno yang masih terisak itu berkedip lambat menatap lamat pada kekasihnya.

“Kamu cantik, kamu baik, kamu paling sempurna yang pernah aku tau. Kejadian kemarin semuanya bukan salah kamu. Kamu yang tau apa yang terjadi malam itu, kamu yang mengalami semuanya, apa yang dia bilang gak usah kamu dengerin. Lagian anaknya udah diberesin sama Jaemin, udah dilaporin juga ke Kak Minhyungnya”

Jeno biarkan pipi basahnya diusap begitu lembutnya, ia biarkan kekasihnya mendekat kearahnya, mengecup keningnya.

Meski air matanya masih luruh seiring dengan remasannya yang menguat pada bahu kekasihnya, Lee Jeno ditenangkan oleh kecupan yang membuatnya semakin hangat.

Meski badannya masih gemetar, meski sakit masih membelenggunya, Jeno biarkan pemudanya mendekapnya sebegitu eratnya.

“Aㅡaku kotor... Maafin aku. Kalau kamu mau pergi tinggalin aku, aku bisa ngerti kok”

Dan Donghyuck lingkarkan lengannya, “gak ada siapa yang bakalan ninggalin siapa, sayang..”

Dan pemuda itu kembali meraung, bergetar ketakutan dan hanya bisa bertumpu pada kekasihnya.

Berulang kali Donghyuck kecupi pelipis kekasihnya, berikan rasa aman yang ia harap bisa menjadi tameng bagi mataharinya.

Orang bilang cantik itu luka.

Tapi Jeno merasa ia biasa saja.

Dan mengapa pula orang-orang bilang cantik itu luka? Seharusnya tidak usah ada yang dikorbankan saat kau mendapat anugerah bukan?

Andai saja malam itu tak ada Donghyuck, andai saja malam itu Donghyuck tidak menjawab teleponnya, Jeno sendiri tidak tahu apa yang terjadi pada dirinya.

Masih hidup kah ia? Masih bisa berjalan kah ia? Masih sanggup menjalani hari-hari kah ia?

Sejak hari itu semuanya bagai mimpi buruk. Sejak hari itu yang menjadi teman hanyalah rasa takut.

Jeno sempat menjadi matahari sampai akhirnya sinarnya direnggut oleh setan-setan yang tak berhati.

Jeno merasa ia biasa saja, namun mengapa ia harus terluka?

Ia eratkan dekapannya pada si bundar, goyangkan dengan pelan badannya ke kanan dan ke kiri. Bersenandung kecil mencoba menghalau semua ketakutan dan kesakitan prianya.

Donghyuck bawa pemuda itu dalam dekapan hangatnya, berharap dinginnya rasa takut yang membelenggu prianya sirna begitu saja.

Lee Jeno itu cantik, dan seharusnya ia tak terluka.

Fin

I started HRT at 34; I'm now just 41. This is how my breasts look after 6½ years of transition:

• In a well-fitted bra
• Nude, front
• Profile of rightie
• Profile of leftie
• Squishing to show volume

Description for the visually impaired and those who don't want to look at partial nudity: My breasts are now big and bottom-heavy, looking quite impressive from the front, voluminous enough that they could easily hold a santoku knife under the fold. The areolas are huge and salient, while the nipples proper are pointy but not that big. The volume is still a bit low relative to the circumference, an aspect more visible in profile; but there's enough mass to have a satisfying pear curve on the bottom line. Squishing a breast reveals enough volume that I can't hold it in one hand; it looks like trying to compress a water balloon.

I’ve achieved this size by 1) taking ownership of my own transition with self-medication rather than trusting the cistem, and 2) jumping at every sketchy, possibly dangerous, and probably ineffective breast growth method I ever heard of. The caveat, however, is that I am Brazilian and curvy, from a Latina family; both my mother and my daughter have bigger breasts than me. So it can be that I merely lucked out, and none of my experiments did anything. Or maybe something helped, or was strictly necessary (after all, I know many trans women with a family history of large breasts, who still don't grow much under standard HRT doses). With a sample size of 1 and without controls, it is impossible to know. But in any case I wanted to document this in case anyone else wants to try stuff, and also to rub it in the face of my first endocrinologist who kept us at under 100 pg/mL E2 while telling all his patients that trans women never grow large breasts. Gee, I wonder why your patients don't ?

I will do the opposite of recipe blogs here, and first list the ingredients I used to make my boobs, and only then ramble about my life story and the meaning of these babies for me.

Stuff I did to try to grow breasts

In order of the confidence I have in the available evidence, rather than chronological order of attempts. Content warning : Discussion of body weight/fat issues.

1. Actually decent HRT (high confidence):

   • Good androgen blocking (i.e. not spiro). I started with cypro, 5mg every 2 days, then had an orchiectomy. Note that cypro is not just a gonadal suppressor but acts systemically on other sources of androgens and it's a progestin to boot; this might have affected things (or not).
     • Warning : Cyproterone acetate has some risks; research it well if you want to DIY, and monitor your liver function. You only need it in very small doses; do not trust doctors who want to prescribe you more than 2mg/day. I wouldn't recommend taking it more than 2–4 years. If you're not physically active, find some form of exercise to offset the possible added risk of thrombosis. Or just use bicalutamide, which is a good blocker and safe.
   • Higher E2 than the cistem will give you. Ideally: Get a lab that measures free E2%, increase dose until it drops; that's your optimum dose. Alternatives in decreasing preference: Increase dose until SHBG starts spiking, use the highest dose that doesn't trigger SHBG; if you can't do that, aim for 600 to 900pg/mL; if you can't do labs at all, get injectables from the gray market and do the recommended dose and frequency.
   • Use non-liver routes for E2. Order of preference: injections > spray > gel > sublingual. For transdermal, use scrotal skin and high doses at, regularly, every 12h. 6× Lenzetto twice a day (3 per application, on scrotum) gives me over 600pg/mL.
   • Sometimes oral E2 too, to spike E1 every once in a while. (I know 1 trans girl whose body transitions well on E1 alone; a minimal 2mg E2 pill somehow explodes her E1 way above recommended levels, a 4mg E2 pill gets her sick. She feminises with serum E2 lower than the average masculine level. Bodies are different.)
   • Progesterone. I cycle it along with E2 levels, but I don't think the cycling changed anything compared to just taking it every day. Probably.
   • In general shake things up periodically. Vary doses, method of administration, and hormone combos every so often or whenever you feel stalled.

2. Body fat (high confidence):

   • Be thicc. Either do the yoyo method (diet to very low body fat then plump up again, to redistribute fat under estrogen), or try to get more fat if you're low on it, or just have weight and wait. Breasts are made of fat and to grow breasts you need to add fat.
   • Make sure your HRT is on point to also get curves as you add fat.

3. Possible IGF-1 supplements (low confidence):

   • Zinc, magnesium, selenium, acetyl L-carnitine.
   • Vitamin D, lots.
   • High quantities of plant-based protein in your regular diet.
   • Weight lifting, HIIT.

4. Herbal feminisation (low confidence)

   • Pueraria mirifica. Source the real thing directly from Thai vendors (look for Kwao Krua “Kao” (“white”, kǎao, กวาวเครือขาว)). This is the single most powerful phytoestrogen that I have tried.
   • High-dose spearmint pills.
   • High-dose licorice for short periods (this can fuck up your liver, take breaks.)
   • I started growing breasts on the above 3 combo alone, before I could access blockers or estradiol. At 6 months of herbs they were already budded.
   • Of interest: red clover, hops, flaxseed.
   • Milk thistle, specifically isosylibin-B, does something with androgen receptors that makes it a topic of study for prostate cancer (high confidence). It might do something that helps with feminisation (low confidence). Don't use silymarin compounds that don't have the isosylibins, look for “full spectrum” or grow your own.
   • Phytoestrogens are “weak” receptor activators. OTOH I suspect weak estrogens might have roles we don't yet know. There are documented cases of accidental gynaecomastia from plants in the literature, but they're rare. Taking herbs along with synthetic hormones might either complement meds and improve your transition; compete with them and hinder your transition; or do absolutely nothing and waste your money. Nobody really knows.
   • It's better to put effort into procuring DIY estrogens than fiddling with herbs, and cheaper, too. Herbs might be a good skill to have as an imperfect substitute in case of supply chain collapse, assuming you can grow your own rather than depending on buying pills (but stockpiling raw chemicals and learning to homebrew is a more efficient approach).

5. Local aromatase triggers (low confidence)

   • Generally submit breasts to lots of stimulation, handling, sucking etc. You know what to do. (Brava-type suction devices seem to have a good record for this, but they're very costly.)
   • Boob growth oil: 2.5% lavender essential oil, 2.5% tea tree essential oil, flaxseed or almond as carrier. Do a patch test first. If you get no allergies after a full bottle, you can double the essentials. This might or might not do anything for growth but it will be good skincare at the very least (if you aren't allergic). There's, afaik, 5 documented cases of gynecomastia or prepubertal breast tissue growth on lavender or tea tree skincare; the association with aromatase is just a hunch from me.

What my timeline was like

Details are fuzzy from memory but:

• For 6 months: Pueraria powder, oral + spearmint pills + licorice pills (this was enough to start growth)
• For ~6 months: E2 gel
• For ca. 2 years: E2 spray, 3× every 12 hours, on scrotal skin, + CPA 5mg every 2 days, +P4 100mg/day oral
• + Yoyo diet, went very thin then back to chubby
• + The IGF-1 supplements
• + Regular milk thistle and irregularly phytoestrogens

These 2 years saw the larger part of growth, already gaving me B cups or higher. By this time I had a cleavage and breasts readily read as “female”. Then there was the orchiectomy, and after that my regime regularly became a 4-week “lunar” cycle:

• I start with a “double” estradiol enanthate injection, intramuscular, 30mg (with the goal of inducing high variability in levels)
• Over the 1st week, E2 should rise
• Over the 2nd week, E2 should start to fall
• On 3rd week, I take P4 300mg/day. This is also the week where I tend to do most experimentation, e.g. the skin oil.
• 4th week is a “rest” week where exogenous levels should be low. I have noticed that my breasts regularly ache during this week.

As mentioned before, every so often I shake up things a bit. I am not particularly recommending cycling as I'm not sure there's much evidence for it; it's just a routine that fit me well. Sometimes I try a “steady” regimen too, and I can't say I've noticed any big differences in how that affects my bodily changes compared to cycling.

On trans breasts and what they mean for me

Back in my denial phase (which lasted 23 years…), I found out at some point that everyone has inherent breasts, and that you only have to give them the right hormones to let them come out. And I used to daydream like, “dang what a shame I'm not trans! I bet my breasts would be awesome and look great on me. I wish I was trans, then I could take hormones and be a girl with a feminine body. Oh well, life sucks, I will bury myself in fucking computer programming I guess.”

It turns out growing boobs is a bit more complex than that, and most trans women have trouble getting sizeable ones. I have no idea how much of my success is due to my self-experimentation vs. genetics vs. other, unknown factors in my lifestyle. (Aromatase cycle from inflammation from Brazilian levels of sugar consumption? Implausibly high amounts of lesbian sex? Pombagira spirit possession?).

But even though I was fortunate for an old transitioner, my breasts also had a common transfem difficulty; there's something lacking in volume and shape. On bust circumference alone I would be 90D, even more in a good day (and since cup sizes are proportional to band sizes and 90cm is a lot of band, that would indeed be massive). But my breasts are lower volume than the typical, i.e. somewhat tubular/conical, so I usually downsize bras to 90C to squish them and get some roundedness, or else the cups don't really fill up, which feels depressing. The volume issue has improved significantly after year #5 on HRT, but it still feels like they're not as round as cis women in my family. [edit: After writing this I tried fitting a few bras and it turns out that, as of year 6, I'm actually better off at 90D now. Yay!]

I don't know what's the missing piece for trans women to have fuller breasts; I suspect growth hormones, since teenagers have a lot, adults have little, and trans girls who transition early seem to not have this problem. But I noticed that no matter what estrogen regime I tried, I never got the layer of subcutaneous fat that cis girls normally have over the ribs and on arms; this must be related to conical breasts, and it could be something lacking in the estrogenic or progestinic supplementation itself; in this case I suspect it's something to do with in-tissue generation of hormones, or with the “weak” estrogens (E1, E3, maybe E4 too—cf. breasts filling up on pregnancy), or with factors that control the density of receptors, or some of the “other” hormones nobody pays attention to, which must have roles not yet known. Science on even cis female health is severely underresearched, let alone trans.

In any case I got big enough breasts that cis doctors now regularly think I'm lying when I say I never had implants. I don't know what witchcraft gave pretransition me that intuition that I would have great breasts and feel alive and myself if I took hormones, but it was spot on. And these are more than aesthetics for me; I mean the aesthetics are awesome, big boob antifa gf is 100% my gender, but they're also powerful misgendering deflectors. I'm tall, I transitioned too late to have a girly face, and I can't afford surgeries. So in early transition, I felt compelled to perform more femininity for the cis than I would in a reasonable world. These days I have a much more practical, butchier presentation than before; I don't worry about maintaining a hyperfem voice anymore, I only do makeup in special occasions, I can now wear “unisex” shoes without feeling bad, etc. This isn't just because of breasts—these six years gave me a lot of body feminisation and, just as importantly, a lot of confidence—but damn if the breasts don't help. As long as I find a way to have some cleavage showing, I'll be gendered woman.

If that sounds like something you'd benefit from, but hormonal growth isn't working for you or you can't wait, I want to encourage you with all my heart to get some implants; there's nothing bad about it, even cis people do surgery all the time to adjust their breasts to their needs. For everyone else, I'm leaving my ADHD-ass, not exactly scientific approach here as one more data point that breast growth is indeed possible for us.

I love...

...”grappling with the penetration”.

Dubai has rapidly emerged as a global hub for aesthetic treatments, offering a range of innovative, non-surgical options for those seeking to enhance their physique. One such treatment gaining popularity is the Lemon Bottle Fat Dissolving technique, known for targeting localized fat deposits without invasive surgery. This guide provides a deep dive into the Lemon Bottle treatment, exploring its benefits, safety, costs, and much more.

Understanding Lemon Bottle Fat Dissolving Treatment

What is Lemon Bottle Fat Dissolving Treatment? Lemon Bottle Fat Dissolving is a non-invasive cosmetic procedure aimed at reducing localized fat in specific areas. It involves injections containing natural ingredients designed to break down fat cells. The treatment is particularly popular for areas like the abdomen, thighs, and arms, where stubborn fat often resists diet and exercise.

How the Treatment Works: Mechanism and Ingredients

The Lemon Bottle solution contains deoxycholic acid, an ingredient that targets and breaks down fat cells when injected into the body. Once the fat cells are destroyed, the body naturally metabolizes and eliminates them over time, resulting in a slimmer appearance in the treated areas.

Is the Treatment Safe? Safety and Efficacy

Safety is a top priority for any aesthetic treatment. Lemon Bottle is FDA-approved and has been used globally as a safe, minimally invasive method for fat reduction. Most patients experience mild side effects, such as temporary swelling or redness at the injection site, which typically resolve within a few days.

Why Choose Fat Dissolving Treatments in Dubai?

Growing Popularity of Aesthetic Treatments in Dubai Dubai is known for its high-quality aesthetic clinics, cutting-edge technology, and expert practitioners. The popularity of non-surgical fat reduction treatments is on the rise, catering to both residents and international clients who come for reliable, results-driven solutions in a luxurious setting.

Benefits of Lemon Bottle Fat Dissolving in Dubai

Choosing Lemon Bottle Fat Dissolving in Dubai offers benefits like access to top medical expertise, state-of-the-art facilities, and a range of options for personalized treatment. Patients can expect visible results within weeks and a more sculpted body without extensive recovery time.

Cost of Fat Dissolving Treatments in Dubai

The cost varies depending on the clinic, the area being treated, and the number of sessions required. Typically, treatments range from AED 2,500 to AED 5,000 per session. While Dubai’s pricing may seem premium, it is often reflective of the quality and expertise offered by local clinics.

Comparing Lemon Bottle with Other Fat Dissolving Treatments

Differences Between Lemon Bottle and Traditional Liposuction

Unlike traditional liposuction, which involves surgery and a recovery period, Lemon Bottle is a non-surgical treatment requiring no downtime. Patients can resume their regular activities immediately, making it a convenient option for those with busy lifestyles.

Lemon Bottle vs. Other Non-Invasive Fat Removal Techniques

Lemon Bottle stands out for its localized fat reduction focus, while other non-invasive techniques, such as CoolSculpting, use cooling technology to freeze fat cells. Lemon Bottle is particularly effective for individuals seeking targeted results in specific areas, whereas CoolSculpting is often used for broader fat reduction.

Ideal Candidates for Lemon Bottle Fat Dissolving

Suitability of Treatment Based on Body Types and Goals Lemon Bottle Fat Dissolving is ideal for individuals who are close to their target weight but have small pockets of stubborn fat that won’t respond to diet or exercise. It’s not intended for significant weight loss but rather as a contouring solution for areas with excess fat.

Medical and Health Considerations Before Treatment

Candidates should be in overall good health and free from conditions such as liver disease or active infections. Consulting with a certified practitioner is essential to determine if Lemon Bottle Fat Dissolving is appropriate for individual health and body goals.

Preparing for Lemon Bottle Fat Dissolving Treatment

Pre-Treatment Guidelines: Diet, Skin Prep, and More Before treatment, patients are advised to avoid alcohol, blood-thinning medications, and smoking, as these can affect the body’s healing response. A healthy diet and plenty of hydration can also improve treatment outcomes.

Consultation Expectations: Questions to Ask

During the consultation, ask about the practitioner’s experience with Lemon Bottle, anticipated results, and any potential side effects. Understanding the treatment process and realistic expectations helps ensure satisfaction with the final outcome.

The Procedure: What to Expect on the Day of Treatment

Step-by-Step Overview of the Lemon Bottle Treatment

The Lemon Bottle procedure typically begins with a marking of the target area. After a local anesthetic is applied, small injections are made. Each session takes about 30–60 minutes, depending on the size of the treatment area.

Typical Duration and Process

Most patients find the process quick and relatively painless. Following the injections, the treated area may swell temporarily as the fat cells begin to break down. No special bandages or recovery time are required, so patients can leave the clinic and resume their daily activities.

Expected Side Effects and How to Manage Them

Common side effects include slight swelling, bruising, or tenderness, which usually subside within a few days. Cold compresses can help manage any discomfort, and over-the-counter pain relievers may also be taken if necessary.

Results: How Soon Will You See Changes?

Timeline of Visible Results

Results from Lemon Bottle Fat Dissolving become noticeable within 3–4 weeks, as the body processes the broken-down fat cells. Optimal results are typically seen after two or three sessions, spaced a few weeks apart.

Factors Influencing Treatment Outcome

Individual metabolic rates, lifestyle, and the area treated can impact the speed and visibility of results. Following post-care instructions and maintaining a healthy lifestyle can enhance and prolong the effectiveness of the treatment.

Maintaining Results: Lifestyle and Long-Term Care

Importance of Diet and Exercise Post-Treatment Although Lemon Bottle Fat Dissolving reduces fat in treated areas, maintaining a balanced diet and regular exercise helps to preserve results. Avoiding excessive caloric intake prevents the formation of new fat deposits.

When to Consider Follow-Up Treatments

Some individuals may benefit from follow-up treatments after six months to a year to maintain their sculpted look, especially if they have multiple target areas or seek further refinement.

Risks and Side Effects of Lemon Bottle Fat Dissolving

Common Side Effects and Their Management

Mild side effects, such as redness, swelling, and tenderness, are common but temporary. Ensuring proper hydration and following post-care instructions help manage and reduce these effects.

Potential Risks and How to Minimize Them

Risks are minimal when performed by a qualified professional, but as with any treatment, there is a potential for infection or allergic reaction. Choosing a licensed practitioner and following care instructions minimizes these risks.

Final Thoughts: Is Lemon Bottle Fat Dissolving in Dubai Right for You?

This treatment offers a convenient solution for those seeking a refined, sculpted appearance without invasive surgery. With careful consideration and consultation, Lemon Bottle Fat Dissolving could be a valuable addition to your aesthetic journey in Dubai.

It Is You I Find at The Tunnel’s End

Your eyes, a haven of vivacity, sparks my curiosity. What audacity. What sweetness. What hope. The lines below your eyes, like scars on wet leaf. The sparkle in your dark pupil, like the twinkle of a million stars. What is this light I see in your eye?

Your smile, how lovely! I wonder at the innocence. I wail at the helplessness. I revere the calmness, the heavenly understanding. I marvel at the convenience with which you pull up those smiles.

Your heart, a priceless gem. It defeats treasure island in glamour, rich in bliss and amour.

You are a leader. You are a teacher. You are the voice that reverberates a thousand times, like echoes in a cave of bats. Time stops to listen when you speak.

Your hands hold the balance of the world. Equity and justice. Mercy and empathy. Diligence and tenderness. Thought and tact.

I revere the sound of your feet. The firmness in your stride, your laugh, the drumbeats of joy that attend your every step.

I search. I pray. I hope you find you. Because we need you, even much more than you know.

Walking through this darkness, I think of you. I see you right ahead. It is you I find at the tunnel’s end. You are the light at the end of the tunnel.

For the Girl Child!✨

---

Departing users, removal requests

We haven't discussed this as far as i know, and it is an interesting question.

The letters we wrote, the responses we got, all of those are significant for people who enjoy corresponding with pen pal friends.

And then, sometimes things happen. Your friend decides to leave, for various reasons. A common one being to reduce 'distractions', being busy and needing to fully focus in something important.

They decide to depart. And press the button on their Slowly client, the one that talks back and asks, Are you Sure?

---

And likely they confirm.

Slowly staff say that user's data will be removed as requested. But they wisely keep it around – for 30 days, giving users an opportunity to change their minds. If they do, they can resume, and nothing gets lost.

But in many cases, users turn their backs and move on. They cannot access their data, and assume that after 30 days it is gone for sure.

---

Or is it?

Turns out the recipient of their letters get to keep them. I can verify this as I had dear friends depart and I still keep many folders with lots of letters we exchanged.

I think we all assume this is how it should be? In the real world, if you wrote and mailed a letter, it is gone and you cannot edit it, delete it, or claim ownership of it as a physical object.

You wrote, addressed and paid postage to get that object to someone, somewhere. They get to keep it, as personal property.

I imagine the original writer has copyright on the letter content, as its creator. But they could not reasonably request that all of their mailed letters be destroyed without trace by the recipients, could they?

I asked Microsoft's Copilot and got a nice answer.

---

In Slowly, how are these questions dealt with?

We had some serious discussions about Slowly and Privacy concerns in the past. I made a Guest Author blog post with an excellent document posted here on Reddit, with the author's permission, and it is one of the most popular pages on my blog.

All of our Slowly data is stored in 'cloud servers', rented online servers currently provided by Amazon Web Services, aka AWS.

We have two users in contact in a pen pal relationship. Person A, who writes a letter, and person B who is the intended recipient of that letter,

If person A decides to leave, pushes the kill button and confirms, their data is assumed to be deleted (after the 30 days grace period). Person A loses access to the service, and to their sent and received letters.

---

But what about the letter's recipient?

As far as I know, they get to keep it. As I mentioned above, it happened to me, people left and I still have our letters in full, sent and received.

Is this a problem? or do we consider the electronic messages/letters to be similar to the written pages we receive in the mail – and were we surely have an ownership?

What do you think?

This is a new discussion, and I decided to make a new topic so it gets to be seen, and maybe more people participate.

In your opinion, is the current situation as it should be?

Or no, a user requesting deletion should assume their sent letters will disappear as well?

I look forward to reading your comments and thoughts. Thank you!

---

Famous Last Words

Special thank you to all the folks behind the SLOWLY app.

Letters we share, with pen pals all over the world. A modern day take in the traditional penpal experience. Come and join us, using SLOWLY.

---

Follow Blog via your Fediverse/Mastodon account :

@friends-near-and-afar-letters-we-share@wordsmith.social

This page created in MarkDown language. Thank you for reading, feel free to comment, via a direct message to my Twitter account – or the Reddit one.

You can also post a public comment in the Reddit thread for it here.

yann2@bsky.social Top ▲

I am weirdly verbose (at least online), despite not actually being that verbal. (I sometimes involuntarily speak really quietly at the end of a night when I'm shattered)

I think I'm wanting a debrief, or at least some sort of decompression for the rather eventful night.

we joke about british-isms minimising disaster but, genuinely: * patient heading for a crash intubation: “in trouble” * horrendously unstable patient who's been mismanaged for their entire hospital stay: “in a heap”

#ICU

---

An original suggestion was posted on Reddit

...by our reddit user ahhhhhhhchhoooooo in this topic.

Puzzle sets could be by region/theme, a mix of popular stamps, or customized to your personal SLOWLY stamp collection!

Avatars of your penpals could also appear next to the stamps you received from them.

And it is a good idea, as we have many nice stamp designs.

---

Slowly itself tried doing some merchandise before

...and it did not go too well. They had custom coffee mugs, which had to be shipped, were somewhat heavy and fragile. Eventually they closed that operation.

A pen pal friend did it better – her daughter created a custom printed mug, with mom's favourite Slowly stamps, and gave it to her as a Christmas gift. It was much nicer and more personal than the company article, and no shipping was required – just a trip to a local print shop which offered mug photo printing.

---

A nice idea?

Similarly, the idea of puzzles with favourite Slowly stamps is a good one, but the company is not likely to take it on. Never fear, there are companies that offer puzzle printing services.

A quick search and I found Vistaprint here in Canada does it. A medium size puzzle has 500 pieces, which is challenging already, and costs 42 Canadian dollars, or about 30 USD. (and a larger 1000 pieces one is not much more at 47 CAD)

Not exactly cheap, but it is a custom, one of a kind item. Other companies closer to people might offer similar services as well.

---

Large custom puzzle

The 500 piece puzzle is 21 in x 15.5 in, or 53 cm x 39 cm – a nice size. An example template from their catalog is attached.

The 1,000 pieces puzzles are harder to put together but have a larger size – 30.25 x 20.5 inches, or about 76 x 51 cm. And they only cost about 5 CAD more than the 500 pieces ones.

If people created and shared their designs, others could even pick up the finished artwork piece and have it printed at whichever service they chose.

---

Large stamp images for designs?

We have access to 1,000 pixel images for many (not all) Slowly stamps. These would be ideal for use in creating a high quality design for printing. In our Slowly Stamps Wiki pages, there are direct links to the larger 1,000 pixels images of each. ( Commemoratives, Regional Premium, Regional Stamp Sets)

Example : Lake Titicaca Reserve, Peru's new Premium stamp, is HERE.

(some earlier designs are only available at 320 pixels max).

---

Design ideas, notes

I would suggest creating a design with stamps sized at at least two different final, printed sizes, which would allow a more dynamic design result. Or go for 3 sizes. You need to work out a mosaic layout so they fit together in a rectangular shape for printing.

The image I am using as banner in this page is from an actual Dogs puzzle set, and I think it is very dynamic – we need that mix of sizes as all Slowly stamps are one single format/proportion.

They also have a lovely AirMail stamps set which illustrates well a dynamic design with different stamp sizes.

---

Some additional notes:

a. Stamp image sources: my Slowly API tracking spreadsheet has one tab showing the latest 300 stamps and links to their 1,000 pixel images – here.

b. The image server storage path is this : https://static.slowly.app/stamp/ plus the stamp_filename and the .png extension.

c. Stamp filenames can be found for all 2,000 Slowly stamps in this shared spreadsheet. See the filenames in Column B and use it with the format shown above, plus .png for extension.

example :

https://static.slowly.app/stamp/ + pe_titicaca + .png = https://static.slowly.app/stamp/pe_titicaca.png

d. For people considering a design of their own – maybe we could define 3 modules of stamp size, which allows for some dynamic placement.

Size 1 being the 1000 pixels images; size 2 we shrink it down to 666 pixels, and size 3 is 333 pixels.

Now we can compose them – size 2 + size 3 matches one size 1.

3 times size 3 also equals size 1.

2 size 3 equals dimension for a size 2. Example with these sizes:

(Click on image for larger size version.)

Each stamp has some white space around them, we could trim it down before we start composing puzzle.

Hope someone takes this idea and runs with it... ??

---

Famous Last Words

Special thank you to all the folks behind the SLOWLY app.

Letters we share, with pen pals all over the world. A modern day take in the traditional penpal experience. Come and join us, using SLOWLY.

---

Follow Blog via your Fediverse/Mastodon account :

@friends-near-and-afar-letters-we-share@wordsmith.social

This page created in MarkDown language. Thank you for reading, feel free to comment, via a direct message to my Twitter account – or the Reddit one.

You can also post a public comment in the Reddit thread for it here.

yann2@bsky.social Top ▲

in a fleeting memory we lost our focus, blurring our lines, erasing our chalk. the wetness, bodies of our ancestors flooded onto us, drowning our last rites. the Godhead roared Eternal.

in a moonlit haze we crawled through thick and thin static layers of incoherence. soft targets melted into our flesh, as if a spliced branch looping into itself. the Godhead felt no pain.

he filled our village with ichor, tar, and oil, homes destroyed in passing viscous shockwaves. we had seen nothing but compassion, yet he took our trust, the sun as well. the Godhead bled no blood.

our worship was of our own hands, feeding from faceless fantasies of freedom. we were promised so much but we forgot how to counter clockwise motion. the Godhead held no power.

---

Recently, the Terms of Service have been revised

And as previously, they remain a one sided document intended to solely protect the company and award it any rights they seem fit to claim.

I think it is interesting to read them. It is a long, legalese, mind boggling read, but a careful analysis can give you insights on important points. You can see the current, latest version (revised as of Sept 13, 2024) HERE.

And I did read it briefly, and noticed some worthy points.

---

Company HQ moved to United Kingdom?

Kevin Wong, Slowly's creator and CEO, has moved to London UK about a year ago. I had not looked at the ToS but now it shows the company no longer being Hong Kong based, but located in the address shown above.

This has good points, there were some concerns from users over Slowly's ability to deny user data access requests in Hong Kong, as Chinese mainland laws clearly state all companies operating in the PRC must comply promptly with any official requests.

---

So, this is a good thing?

Well, they apparently are no longer under PRC's jurisdiction. BUT their data is stored in Amazon Web Services machines, physically located in the USA, which brings them under a jurisdiction where intelligence agencies DO act to get access to data they feel is needed. Not ideal, clearly, but convenient for Slowly as AWS is a major Cloud provider.

---

Make the ToS easier to digest, try our AI friends?

I used Microsoft's Copilot, and would encourage you to read the document and even experiment with it. My request:

I use a software called Slowly. Could you review the Terms of Service for it, and give me some notes regarding noticeable impositions it places on its users? The Terms of Service page is at https://slowly.app/terms/

---

Here is Copilot's response:

Sure, I reviewed the Terms of Service for Slowly. Here are some key points and noticeable impositions:

1. Eligibility: Users must be at least 12 years old. If you’re a minor, your parent or guardian must agree to the terms on your behalf. ^(1).
2. Account Restrictions: You can only have one account. If you’ve been previously removed from the service, you cannot create a new account without explicit permission. ^(1).
3. Content and Conduct: Users must not engage in illegal activities, harassment, or any behavior that could harm others. Violations can lead to account termination without prior notice. ^(1).
4. Modifications to Terms: Slowly reserves the right to change the terms at any time. Users are responsible for reviewing the terms periodically to stay informed of updates. ^(1).
5. Termination of Service: Slowly can terminate or suspend your account at their discretion, without liability or prior notice. ^(1).
6. User Content: By posting content, you grant Slowly a non-exclusive, royalty-free license to use, reproduce, and distribute your content. ^(1).

These points highlight some of the more restrictive aspects of the Terms of Service. If you have any specific concerns or need further clarification, feel free to ask!

Source: Conversation with Copilot, 03/10/2024

(1) Terms of Service – Slowly. https://slowly.app/terms/. (2) Privacy Policy – Slowly. https://slowly.app/privacy/. (3) Slowly's home page. https://slowly.app/.

---

Any follow-up questions?

is there any mention of their obligation under GDPR user data protection act ?

Yes, the Slowly Terms of Service do mention their obligations under the GDPR (General Data Protection Regulation). Here are some key points related to GDPR compliance:

1. Data Collection and Use: Slowly outlines the types of personal data they collect and how they use it. This includes information provided by users during registration and data collected through the use of their services. [ 4 ].
2. User Rights: Users have rights under GDPR, such as the right to access their data, the right to rectify incorrect data, the right to erasure (right to be forgotten), and the right to restrict or object to processing. [ 4 ].
3. Data Security: Slowly commits to implementing appropriate technical and organizational measures to ensure a level of security appropriate to the risk of processing personal data. [ 4 ].
4. Data Transfers: If personal data is transferred outside the European Economic Area (EEA), Slowly ensures that appropriate safeguards are in place to protect the data. [ 4 ].
5. Data Retention: Personal data is retained only for as long as necessary to fulfill the purposes for which it was collected, or as required by law. [ 4 ].

[ 4 ] : The Data Protection Act, at gov.uk

These points highlight Slowly’s commitment to complying with GDPR and protecting user data. If you have specific concerns or need more detailed information, you might want to review their full Terms of Service or contact their support team directly.

---

Requesting copies of user data under GDPR?

Can I request a copy of my user data (letters and responses) for backup under GDPR ?

Yes, under GDPR, you have the right to request a copy of your personal data, which includes your letters and responses on Slowly. This is known as a data subject access request (DSAR). You can contact Slowly’s support team to make this request. They are obligated to provide you with a copy of your data within one month of your request. [ 4 ].

If you need help with how to phrase your request or any other details, feel free to ask!

---

How to request your user data?

How do I initiate a DSAR on Slowly?

To initiate a Data Subject Access Request (DSAR) on Slowly, follow these steps:

1. Contact Support: Reach out to Slowly’s support team via their official contact methods. This is usually done through their website or app. Look for a “Contact Us” or “Support” section.
2. Specify Your Request: Clearly state that you are making a DSAR under GDPR. Mention that you are requesting a copy of your personal data, including your letters and responses.
3. Provide Necessary Details: Include any relevant information that might help them locate your data, such as your username, email address, and any specific data you are requesting.
4. Verification: Be prepared to verify your identity. Slowly may ask for additional information to confirm that the request is coming from the account owner.
5. Wait for Response: Slowly is required to respond to your request within one month. They may extend this period by an additional two months if the request is complex or if they have received numerous requests. [ 5 ].

---

Here’s a sample template for your request:

Subject: Data Subject Access Request (DSAR)

Dear Slowly Support Team,

I am writing to formally request access to my personal data under the General Data Protection Regulation (GDPR). Specifically, I am requesting a copy of all my letters and responses stored on your platform.

For verification purposes, my account details are as follows:

• Username: [Your Username]
• Email: [Your Email Address]

Please let me know if you require any further information to process this request. I look forward to your response within the statutory timeframe.

Thank you, [Your Name]

If you need further assistance, feel free to ask!

---

And there is a LOT more to explore

...in this latest revision of the Terms of Service. I enjoyed using Copilot and getting focused, simple answers to some of my questions. I think there is a lot more to read and investigate so we can better understand the document's meanings and implications.

I will stop here – getting backup copies of our user data was always a concern for me, and it seems there are ways we can act to request that, which Slowly is legally obligated to respond and fulfil.

Any other notable items in the page as you see it? (hint – there are notes regarding AI usage in the app, along with other meaningful paragraphs.

---

Famous Last Words

Special thank you to all the folks behind the SLOWLY app.

Letters we share, with pen pals all over the world. A modern day take in the traditional penpal experience. Come and join us, using SLOWLY.

---

Follow Blog via your Fediverse/Mastodon account :

@friends-near-and-afar-letters-we-share@wordsmith.social

This page created in MarkDown language. Thank you for reading, feel free to comment, via a direct message to my Twitter account – or the Reddit one.

You can also post a public comment in the Reddit thread for it here.

yann2@bsky.social Top ▲

---

Kevin's annoyance with people doing 'mock locations'

It comes down to lost revenue – from the sale of the multitude of regional commemoratives (free for a limited time in some location) and Location stamps (always free in that location).

Both regional commemoratives and location stamps are available to people all over the globe – via the Time Machine and World Explorer 'sales counters'. Each try at the random sale mechanism costs the user 25 Coins, which at my local currency works out exactly to 50 cents CAD or half a Canadian Dollar.

Slowly has released an immense number of regional commemoratives – many being really obscure, with some portrait of a local person. In some cases even local users seem surprise at some of their choices.

The portrait stamps are generally not their best designs – not so attractive, but still desirable as the app has built a core of active stamp collectors, and many are complectionists; they want to have ALL the stamps, no matter how ugly or obscure it be.

---

What revenue is Kevin worrying about?

The one which could be had if the user bought these myriad commemoratives via Time Machine. Or even the location stamps, via the less popular World Explorer feature.

I am personally a big fan of Location stamps, and filed many ideas for new and interesting ones for countries which did not have ANY yet – some of them came to light and we were happy to see more African nations specially having some local stamps.

---

How come the Time Machine has SO MANY stamps

... compared to World Explorer?

My theory here is that Time Machine has a LOT more sales than W.E. – there is simply a lot more interesting stamps, nice designs there. The World Explorer suffers from the abundance of old, ugly location designs – the original, 'minimalist' design with a few lines and even fewer colours. Example: Brandenburg Gate in Germany, which is a great landmark and has an UGLY stamp.

Slowly could replace any designs easily, they simply replace the image file on their server and voilá, done – new design is what people will see. They done this a few times with quick revisions on small errors in new stamps as we have observed. But they won't revise the old ugly location stamps – the cost of that work in time and money does not benefit them much, they would rather design and issue some more new stamps.

---

Monetization – getting money in from the stamps

The sheer abundance of regional commemoratives would not make sense, if Slowly did not have a sales mechanism for these stamps. The Time Machine does capitalize on the almost 600 stamps it currently offers, and the number is still growing.

Although a bit slower now, as we have seen a major push for Premium Singles – stamps that have a higher sale value, 50 Coins being a full Dollar in my country.

A single stamp going for one Dollar, while a full 6 stamps set is 100 Coins, or 2 Dollars in my market. Stamp sets are clearly a BETTER deal for the users. But we don't get many new sets, either global or regional.

---

The New Premium Series stamps

We had Castles of Europe at first, and that was interesting, well accepted and quite collectable. At a full dollar per stamp, it could generate some funds. There are 52 Castle stamps in total.

After the Castles, an even better idea came out – something that was available in many more countries. Easier to find a local one and offer a stamp even in smaller countries. The Beautiful Lighthouses series was born. And it currently has 63 stamps, they just added 9 more for October 2024.

On the same idea, another series called Sound of the World started, and equally can offer ideas for stamps in many countries, as long as they have some original musical instrument developed locally. Ca-xing, voilá, and in a short time it grew to 54 stamps as of October 1, 2024.

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Why management frowns on mock locations users?

They don't mind people who virtually 'travel' and use purchased coins to purchase regional premium stamps or stamp sets in remote places. This is money the company would not see otherwise.

Kevin's annoyance is with people collecting all of the location stamps, and any available regional commemoratives at the remote places. Either a location or comm stamp is worth Half a Dollar (Canadian) each via TM or WE sale features.

So, it's a dilemma – they win some cash on travelling collectors who just must have these foreign stamps. But they lose some on the forgone sales.

We have seen some countermeasures – it has been getting harder to do mock locations, some Slowly versions are hardened to block that. And, some users received stern warnings or even 3 day suspensions from the app once they triggered the mobile client's 'abuse detection'.

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Be careful as your account CAN be terminated

....at the whim of the company, and you lose all the stamps, all the coins, and more importantly – all of the letters and pen pals you originally started up on Slowly for.

The Slowly Terms of Service is an extensive legal document, created by lawyers simply to protect the company and acting in their interests. A careful reading is recommended, and you could notice there is mention they could terminate ANY user's account for ANY or NO reason, at their sole discretion. (paraphrasing here, but this is the harsh truth).

A more detailed Reddit discussion on past incidents with user suspension is HERE.

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Famous Last Words

Special thank you to all the folks behind the SLOWLY app.

Letters we share, with pen pals all over the world. A modern day take in the traditional penpal experience. Come and join us, using SLOWLY.

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@friends-near-and-afar-letters-we-share@wordsmith.social

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