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from Felix Ernst

I'll soon start my second project supported by NLnet and the European Commission. For the first one I spent way too much time figuring out if I need to pay taxes on the funding I receive. At least value added tax does not apply! However, German tax law is not clear about income tax from what I can tell, and even writing a petition to the federal ministry of finance to clear things up still leaves me with most of the uncertainty. In any case, I did not need to pay income tax on the funding the first time around. Who knows if it will stay this way?

If you might find yourself in a similar situation one day, I strongly recommend to save yourself many hours of headaches and read my German blog post about this. Here it is: https://wordsmith.social/felixernst/wie-man-keine-steuern-auf-europaisch-geforderte-softwareprojekte-bezahlt

I don't want to translate German legalese into English.

If you can't read German, that's a bit of a cliffhanger now, isn't it? Well, sorry about that. However, you might want to cherish the fact that you probably don't need to deal with German tax law! Also consider that it is probably better for your sanity anyway if you don't spend your time learning about taxation in other countries. It's not a good conversation starter, trust me.

 
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from Felix Ernst

Ich fange bald mein zweites Softwareprojekt an, dass über NLnet gefördert wird. Hierbei handelt es sich um Gelder, die aus dem Forschungsrahmenprogramm „Horizont Europa“, dem 9. Rahmenprogramm für Forschung und Innovation der Europäischen Union für die Jahre 2021 bis 2027, kommen. Es geht für mich um einen fünfstelligen Betrag.

Zumindest für das erste Jahr habe ich bereits die Bestätigung, dass ich weder Umsatzsteuer noch Einkommensteuer bezahlen muss. Das ist aber in Deutschland nicht so einfach und auch nicht immer eindeutig. Ich kann zum Beispiel nicht sicher sein, ob es auch für die Folgejahre gilt.

In diesem Artikel erkläre ich die Hintergründe. Ich bin kein Experte für Steuer, also sind alle Angaben ohne Gewähr. Ich habe mich bloß länger als mir lieb ist mit dem Thema herumgeschlagen und will Ihnen, die Sie freie Software herstellen, unnötige Zeit ersparen, die Sie besser für die Verbesserung von freier Software nutzen könnten.

Ist gemeinnützige Arbeit steuerfrei?

Nein. Eigentlich könnte man zwar meinen, dass Steuern eigentlich dafür da sind, gesellschaftlich wertvolle Projekte zu ermöglichen, aber steuerrechtlich ist es komplett egal, ob man seine Einnahmen dadurch erhält, dass man bei Kryptowährungsgeschäften oder Poker andere abzockt oder ob man alte Menschen pflegt.

Muss ich überhaupt eine Steuererklärung abgeben?

Ja, es ist nicht gesichert, ob Sie es schaffen, der Einkommensteuer zu entrinnen, also wäre es Steuerbetrug, wenn Sie keine abgeben. Außerdem verstehe ich EStG §46 Absatz 2 Nummer 1 so, dass vielleicht so oder so eine Steuererklärung abgegeben werden muss, wenn auf irgendeine Weise mehr als 410 Euro an eigens erarbeiteten Einnahmen zusammenkommen.

Die Meinung des Prototype Fund zur Versteuerung

Der Prototype Fund ist ein Förderprojekt für freie Softwarentwicklung des Bundesministerium für Bildung und Forschung (BMBF). Insofern ist es meiner Meinung nach rechtlich gesehen ähnlich zu NLnet Förderprogrammen, außer dass das eine europäisch und das andere deutsch ist. Ich kopiere hier nun rein, was die in ihren FAQ zur Steuerfreiheit sagen, damit ich mich im weiteren Text darauf beziehen kann:

Muss ich die Förderung versteuern?

Die Förderung durch den Prototype Fund wird als “echter Zuschuss” nicht versteuert. Die Erfahrungswerte der Projekte besagen allerdings, dass zwar keine Umsatzsteuer, aber in der Regel Einkommensteuer fällig wird. Um dies mit eurem zuständigen Finanzamt schon vor Beginn der Förderung abzuklären, könnt ihr nach Erhalt des Zuwendungsbescheids mit Angabe der für euch gültigen Nebenbestimmungen NKBF 2017 des BMBF und Berufung auf §3 Nr. 11 Einkommensteuergesetz erfragen, ob dieses Argument anerkannt wird. Der Prototype Fund ist im Kern ein Programm zur Förderung von wissenschaftlich-technischen Machbarkeitsstudien im Bereich Software, es gibt also keine festgelegte Gegenleistung, sondern es geht um das Erarbeiten von Wissen und den Bau von digitalen Prototypen.

Als ich das gelesen habe, war ich erstmal deprimiert, weil scheinbar selbst das Bundesministerium für Bildung und Forschung (BMBF) nicht sicher ist, ob nun Einkommensteuer bezahlt werden muss oder nicht.

Sollte ich beim Finanzamt anfragen, bevor ich die Steuererklärung abgebe?

Zumindest das BMBF empfiehlt das in dem von mir oben zitierten Abschnitt:

Um dies mit eurem zuständigen Finanzamt schon vor Beginn der Förderung abzuklären, könnt ihr nach Erhalt des Zuwendungsbescheids mit Angabe der für euch gültigen Nebenbestimmungen NKBF 2017 des BMBF und Berufung auf §3 Nr. 11 Einkommensteuergesetz erfragen, ob dieses Argument anerkannt wird.

Nach meiner Erfahrung hat das aber wenig gebracht. Die Leute, mit denen ich am Finanzamt Kontakt hatte, haben nur immer wieder betont, dass sie keine Steuerberatung machen, und dass alles abschließend mit der Steuererklärung geprüft wird. Ich solle mir doch einen Steuerberater holen, der das klärt.

Okay, ich soll mich also mit einem Steuerberater beraten, um zu sehen, ob ich überhaupt Steuern bezahlen muss. Das habe ich nicht gemacht. Ich halte es auch für einen Fehler, weil sich ein Steuerberater ja nicht automatisch mit europäischen Fördergeldern auskennt. Wenn der sich hierfür nur ein bisschen einarbeiten muss, dann wird es wohl teurer, als wenn man direkt einfach unnötig Steuern bezahlt. Und am Schluss hat das letzte Wort dann doch das Finanzamt.

Da hat man es leichter als Multimillionär. Da weiß man wenigstens, dass es sich lohnt, einen Steuerberater zu haben.

Also zumindest bei mir war es nicht hilfreich, den Kontakt mit dem Finanzamt zu suchen. Vielleicht war das früher ein Geheimtipp und mittlerweile vermeidet das Finanzamt aber diese Zusatzarbeit. Vielleicht ist es aber bei Ihrem Finanzamt anders.

Muss ich Umsatzsteuer bezahlen?

Nein, denn das ist rechtlich klar geregelt. Nach einer Mail des Bundesfinanzministeriums für Finanzen (DOK 2022/0579780) mit Betreff „Umsatzsteuer; Umsatzsteuerrechtliche Behandlung von Zahlungen im Zusammenhang mit EU-Rahmenprogrammen“ sind

Zahlungen von Finanzmitteln im Zusammenhang mit EU-Rahmenprogrammen, die den Teilnehmern für Forschungs- und Innovationstätigkeiten innerhalb der Rahmenprogramme der EU bereitgestellt werden, […] als echter nicht steuerbarer Zuschuss anzusehen.

Auch das ist natürlich verklausuliert ausgedrückt, aber „nicht steuerbar” heißt hier wohl „umsatzsteuerfrei“.

Muss ich Einkommensteuer zahlen?

Hoffentlich nicht! Sehen wir mal was wir tun können.

Einkommensteuergesetz (EStG) §3 Absatz 11

Wie bereits vom Prototype Fund oben erwähnt, ist unsere beste Chance von der Einkommensteuer befreit zu sein, das EStG §3 Absatz 11. Dieses Gesetz gibt es in ähnlicher Form schon seit ein paar Jahrzehnten und es wurde nie angepasst, um klar zu stellen, inwiefern Softwareentwicklung da nun dazu passt oder nicht. Grundsätzlich werden wir aber auch in der Steuererklärung uns darauf berufen, dass es sich bei freier Softwareentwicklung für NLnet um eine wissenschaftliche Tätigkeit handelt, die zu keiner bestimmten wissenschaftlichen Gegenleistung oder bestimmten Arbeitnehmertätigkeit verpflichtet.

Ist Softwareentwicklung denn Wissenschaft?

Kann man schon so sehen. Es wäre mir natürlich lieber, wenn es explizit in EStG §3 Absatz 11 genannt wäre, aber auch so liegen einige Parallelen auf der Hand. Sowohl in Wissenschaft als auch in freier Softwareentwicklung – werden für ein bislang nicht allgemein gelöstes Problem – und als Grundlage weiterer öffentlicher Wissenschaft/Softwareentwicklung – allgemeine Vorgehensweisen und Ratschläge erarbeitet – die auf eine Verbesserung der Lebensumstände aller abzielen.

Der größte Unterschied ist wohl, dass die Ergebnisse der Softwareenwicklung von einem Computer ausgeführt werden können. So erkläre ich mir das zumindest.

Das bessere Argument dafür, dass Softwareentwicklung unter Wissenschaft fällt, ist aber wohl rechtlich gesehen, dass die NLnet Fördergelder aus dem Forschungsrahmenprogramm „Horizont Europa“, dem 9. Rahmenprogramm für Forschung und Innovation der Europäischen Union, stammen. Darauf müssen wir uns in der Steuererklärung berufen! Den genauen Wortlaut, den ich verwendete, um die Anwendung von EStG §3 Absatz 11 zu begründen, finden Sie weiter unten.

Meine Versuche zur Klärung der steuerrechtlichen Lage

Wo man auch anfragt, kann niemand einem verlässlich sagen, ob das EStG §3 Absatz 11 denn nun Anwendung findet oder nicht, denn so wie es aussieht, liegt die Entscheidung beim örtlichen Finanzamt. Wie oben erwähnt weiß selbst das Bundesministerium für Bildung und Forschung nicht, ob Einkommensteuer im Einzelfall anfällt oder nicht. Und wenn man nicht gerade verrückt genug ist, das Finanzamt in so einer unklaren und finanziell nicht allzu gewichtigen Sache zu verklagen, muss man das Urteil dort auch akzeptieren, wie auch immer es zurück kommt.

Um Planungssicherheit herzustellen, habe ich zum Beispiel mit der nationalen Kontaktstelle Recht und Finanzen (NKS RuF) telefoniert. Auf ihrer Webseite heißt es:

Die Nationale Kontaktstelle für Recht und Finanzen berät Sie zu rechtlichen, finanziellen und administrativen Fragen rund um die europäischen Rahmenprogramme für Forschung und Innovation “Horizont 2020” und “Horizont Europa”.

Der Mann am anderen Ende war zwar sehr nett, aber auch er konnte mir keine Antwort geben.

Weil ich weiß, dass auch einige meiner Bekannten solche Förderprojekte machen, bin ich sogar noch einen Schritt weiter gegangen und habe eine Petition an das Bundesfinanzministerium geschrieben. Ich veröffentliche den Text hier. Springen Sie zum Ende dieses Artikels, wenn Sie sich nur dafür interessieren, wie Sie es für sich in der Steuererklärung eingeben könnten.

Petition an den Deutschen Bundestag

(mit der Bitte um Veröffentlichung)

Wortlaut der Petition

Bitte stellen Sie klar, inwiefern das Einkommensteuergesetz (EStG) § 3, Absatz 11 bei öffentlichen Softwareprojekten, die durch Forschungsrahmenprogramme der EU finanziert werden, Anwendung findet. Derzeit legen kommunale Finanzbehörden die Gesetzgebung unterschiedlich aus, weshalb es keine Planungssicherheit bei der Finanzierung der Projekte gibt. Diese Unsicherheit besteht sogar für Projekte, die vom Bundesministerium für Bildung und Forschung (BMBF) finanziert werden.

Begründung

Das EStG § 3, Absatz 11 besagt, dass Förderungen der Wissenschaft steuerfrei sind. Dennoch unterliegen Softwareprojekte, die aus Forschungsmitteln finanziert werden und zu keiner bestimmten Gegenleistung oder Arbeitnehmertätigkeit verpflichtet sind, oft der Einkommensteuer. So schreibt zum Beispiel der vom Bundesministerium für Bildung und Forschung (BMBF) finanzierte Prototype Fund auf seiner Webseite:

„Muss ich die Förderung versteuern? Die Förderung durch den Prototype Fund wird als ‚echter Zuschuss‘ nicht versteuert. Die Erfahrungswerte der Projekte besagen allerdings, dass zwar keine Umsatzsteuer, aber in der Regel Einkommensteuer fällig wird. Um dies mit eurem zuständigen Finanzamt schon vor Beginn der Förderung abzuklären, könnt ihr nach Erhalt des Zuwendungsbescheids mit Angabe der für euch gültigen Nebenbestimmungen NKBF 2017 des BMBF und Berufung auf §3 Nr. 11 Einkommensteuergesetz erfragen, ob dieses Argument anerkannt wird. Der Prototype Fund ist im Kern ein Programm zur Förderung von wissenschaftlich-technischen Machbarkeitsstudien im Bereich Software, es gibt also keine festgelegte Gegenleistung, sondern es geht um das Erarbeiten von Wissen und den Bau von digitalen Prototypen.“

Prototype Fund geht also davon aus, dass die Fördergelder nicht versteuert werden müssten, erfahrungsgemäß aber dennoch versteuert werden. Es kann nicht sein, dass ein Gesetz, das auf die Förderung der Wissenschaft und Forschung abzielt, nicht einmal bei Projekten Anwendung findet, die von einem Förderprogramm des Bundesministeriums für Bildung und Forschung finanziert werden.

Die öffentlichen Softwareprojekte werden eben genau deswegen von Wissenschafts- und Forschungsgeldern finanziert, da sie genauso wie traditionelle wissenschaftliche Studien öffentliche und frei verwendbare Ergebnisse liefern, die für die Weiterverwendung in Industrie und Gesellschaft erarbeitet werden.

Die gleiche Rechtsunsicherheit findet sich auch bei der einkommensteuerlichen Behandlung von Fördergeldern aus Forschungsrahmenprogrammen der EU. So ist zum Beispiel unklar, ob öffentliche Softwareprojekte der Next Generation Internet-Initiative, gefördert durch das Forschungsrahmenprogramm „Horizont Europa“, dem 9. Rahmenprogramm für Forschung und Innovation der Europäischen Union für die Jahre 2021 bis 2027, im Rahmen der Finanzhilfevereinbarung Nr. 101069594, unter das Einkommensteuergesetz EStG § 3, Absatz 11 für Wissenschaft fallen.

Was die umsatzsteuerliche Behandlung dieser Fördergelder angeht, gibt es bereits eine Anweisung des Bundesministeriums für Finanzen (DOK 2022/0579780): Das Schreiben „Umsatzsteuerrechtliche Behandlung von Zahlungen im Zusammenhang mit EU-Rahmenprogrammen“ vom 16.06.2022 stellt klar: Sie „sind als echter nicht steuerbarer Zuschuss anzusehen.“

Bezüglich der Einkommensteuer gibt es solch eine Vorgabe leider noch nicht.

Bitte stellen Sie hier im öffentlichen Interesse Rechtssicherheit und damit einhergehend Planungssicherheit her.

Die Antwort des Bundesministeriums für Finanzen (BMF)

Die Antwort hat ein halbes Jahr von Juni 2024 bis November 2024 auf sich warten lassen. Zwischendrin hatte der damalige Bundesfinanzminister der FDP Christian Lindner noch seine „offene Feldschlacht”.

Ich fasse die Antwort kurz zusammen. Der wichtigste Satz ist:

„Es ist insbesondere festzuhalten, dass nach den Erkenntnissen des BMF rechtliche Unsicherheit hinsichtlich der allgemeinen Voraussetzungen nicht besteht.“

Das Schreiben enthält dann noch einmal die allgemeinen Definitionen zu „öffentliche Mittel“, „unmittelbare Förderung“, „bestimmte wissenschaftliche Gegenleistung“ und „bestimmte Arbeitnehmertätigkeit“.

Abschließend wird erklärt:

„Inwieweit die Voraussetzungen des §3 Nummer 11 EStG für eine Steuerbefreiung im konkreten Einzelfall vorliegen, kann nicht pauschal durch Anweisung erfolgen, sondern muss anhand der dargestellten Voraussetzungen durch das für den Förderempfänger zuständige Finanzamt geprüft werden.

Ich bitte um Verständnis, dass der Forderung des Petenten nicht nachgekommen werden kann.“

Leider bin ich allerdings nach dieser Antwort nicht wirklich schlauer als zuvor. Für mich hört es sich so an, als ob nach wie vor keine rechtliche Klarheit besteht, ob denn nun Softwareprojekte, die zum Forschungsrahmenprogramm „Horizont Europa“ gehören, unter EStG §3 Nummer 11 fallen oder nicht. Keiner der Aspekte, für die die Antwort Definitionen enthält („öffentliche Mittel“, „unmittelbare Förderung“, „bestimmte wissenschaftliche Gegenleistung“ und „bestimmte Arbeitnehmertätigkeit“), unterscheidet sich zwischen unseren Softwareprojekten und doch legen das wohl auch weiterhin Finanzämter unterschiedlich aus. Und wenn denn rechtliche Klarheit besteht, hätte dann die Antwort nicht zumindest sagen können, dass solche Softwareprojekte grundsätzlich einkommensteuerfrei sind oder eben nicht?

Ich gehe mal davon aus, dass wenn es eher um die oben genannten Definitionen geht, Softwareprojekte wohl grundsätzlich schon unter EStG §3 Absatz 11 fallen können, wenn eben die obigen Definitionen nicht im Einzelfall gebrochen werden.

Falls jedoch bekannt ist, dass Ihr zuständiges Finanzamt das anders sieht, sollten Sie vielleicht in Erwägung ziehen, die erhöhten Grundkosten direkt bei NLnet aufzuschlagen. Es ist ja nicht Ihre Schuld, dass die Kosten dort, wo Sie wohnen, höher sind. Andererseits bin ich mir nicht sicher, ob das NLnet gefallen wird.

Was ist mit EStG §3 Absatz 12?

Leider hilft EStG §3 Absatz 12 nicht. Eine Weile hatte ich gedacht, dass es auch passen würde, aber da irrte ich mich. Ich erkläre das hier nur kurz, damit niemand meinen Fehler wiederholt.

In EStG §3 Absatz 12 ist von „Aufwandsentschädigung“ die Rede. Ich dachte, Gelder, die ich als Bezahlung für meine Arbeit erhalte, seien „Aufwandsentschädigungen“. Das ist aber nicht der Fall. Eine „Aufwandsentschädigung“ hat in Steuerfachsprache nichts mit Arbeitsaufwand zu tun hat.

Wie gebe ich das alles in der Steuererklärung an?

In Anlage N gibt es einen Punkt „Steuerfreie Aufwändsentschädigungen / Einnahmen”. Dort schrieb ich:

Empfänger von Fördergeldern aus dem Forschungsrahmenprogramm „Horizont Europa“ der EU (siehe Erläuterungen Hautpvordruck, Punkt 8 – Ergänzenden Angaben zur Steuererklärung)

Und dann habe ich eben dort, beim Hauptvordruck der Steuererklärung die Zeile „Ergänzende Angaben zur Steuererklärung“ verwendet. Das ist beim Hauptvordruck 2024 die Zeile 37. Dort kann man erklären, warum die Fördergelder von der Steuer befreit sind. Ich habe dort Folgendes geschrieben:

Zeile 22/Anlage N: Fördergelder aus dem Forschungsrahmenprogramm “Horizont Europa” der EU. Alle wissenschaftlichen Ergebnisse meines Projekts müssen als Open Access veröffentlicht werden und jegliche Soft- und Hardware muss vollständig unter einer anerkannten Open-Source-Lizenz veröffentlicht werden. Die Kriterien zur Berechnung der finanziellen Unterstützung (https://nlnet.nl/entrust/guideforapplicants/) stellen dabei klar, dass es sich bei allen Zuwendungen um Spenden handelt, die als “wohltätige Geschenke” unter die günstigsten Steuerbedingungen fallen. Nach einer Mail des Bundesministeriums für Finanzen (DOK 2022/0579780) sind diese Zuwendungen umsatzsteuerfrei. Wie in anderen europäischen Ländern (z.B. NL) sind sie ebenfalls einkommensteuerfrei: Als Bezüge aus öffentlichen Mitteln zur unmittelbaren Förderung der Wissenschaft fallen sie unter EStG § 3 Absatz 11, da ich dabei zu keiner bestimmten Gegenleistung verpflichtet bin und mein Projekt frei ausführen darf.

Ich habe dann noch zusätzlich die Absichtserklärung — also das „Memorandum of Understanding“ — als Beleg hochgeladen und dort den steuerlich relevanten Abschnitt markiert. Also den hier:

This Memorandum of Understanding cannot be seen as any kind of employment agreement or business contract. NLnet nor any of the organisations involved with NGI0 Entrust receive any goods or services as a result of this MoU. Any payments are to be made as charitable donations to Felix Ernst in the light of a voluntary contribution to the public benefit such as defined within the statutory mission of NLnet foundation.

Auf diesen Beleg habe ich dann einmal dort, wo ich die empfangenen Fördergelder eingetragen habe, und einmal bei dem oben erwähnten „Ergänzende Angaben zur Steuererklärung“ verwiesen.

Steuern für Normalverdienende sollten nicht so kompliziert sein. Das ist ja mehr Arbeit, als die eigentliche Arbeit selbst.

Zum Kommentarbereich geht es hier.

 
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from verity's correspondance book

Cadence Eastman – privileged and somewhat sheltered – spends every summer at an island villa with friends of a similar background. She finds love in the form of Gat: idealistic, and very much the only Brown kid in all of this, certainly the only one who gets any lines at all. It's all great until she turns 15. All she knows is that something happened, but she doesn't remember any of it and everyone is determined to hide it from her. Whatever it was, it leaves her with debilitating migraines and residual neurology, which changes the course of the rest of her life.

It makes a weak attempt to say something about intersectionality – in that Cadence's disability and chronic pain doesn't make her automatically an expert in every hardship – as Gat points out repeatedly. But ultimately it takes a while to get to the point, and although it isn't the point but Cady isn't brilliantly likeable. This is a sort of coming of age story in reverse, I guess.

It suffers from a writing style that favours sentence fragments and what starts as pithy short sentences. This strikes this reader as being more dramatic and coy for the sake of it rather than any genuine atmosphere.

There was not much of a journey to Discover The Truth either, which I expected to be the focus – there was little effort required on Cady's behalf. Not very satisfying, given I am usually a fan of this kind of narrative.

#books-read-2025 #disabled-protagonist #books

 
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from Almost ☑

Kalau Julian nenangin dirinya pakai cara yang enggak sehat banget, beda sama Ara yang justru nenangin dirinya cuma dengan berdiam diri di hotel. Dia cuma tiduran, nonton film sambil kadang sesekali dia belajar ngerajut, malam hari nya dia coba buat mikirin hubungan dia lagi sama Julian.

Makan pun Ara kalau ingat aja, cuma sehari sekali walau sebenarnya dia gak lapar. Tapi dia selalu ingat kalau dia punya asam lambung yang bisa aja memperburuk kondisinya kalau dia gak makan sama sekali. Hari ini dia belum nyalain ponselnya lagi, benar-benar kepengen tenang gak di ganggu siapapun.

Hari ini Ara bangun pagi, dia coba buat lari di sekitaran hotel sampe rasanya badan dia capek banget. Tapi hari itu meski kakinya udah pegal dan nafasnya juga sudah mulai terengah-engah karena berlari. Ara enggak langsung kembali ke hotelnya, dia justru duduk dulu di taman yang ada di sana. Minum air mineral yang dia beli di warung tak jauh dari taman itu.

Ara melamun sambil ngeliatin pepohonan dan gunung yang kelihatan dari jauh itu, beneran indah banget. Apalagi pagi itu udaranya cerah, ada sinar matahari menyorot namun semilir angin agak sedikit kencang. Beneran sejuk banget, keringat Ara yang tadinya netes-netes itu juga udah hilang.

Dia kangen banget sama Julian, gak ada satu hari pun dia enggak mikirin suaminya itu. Dia mikirin apa Julian udah makan? Apa Suaminya itu kerja? Apa Julian juga mikirin dia, kepalanya beneran penuh sama Julian. Tapi buat menghubungi pria itu juga Ara belum siap. Dia masih mau menyendiri dulu sampai di rasa pikirannya jauh lebih tenang.

Kalau lagi sendiri kaya gini, Ara selalu ingat saat-saat bahagia dia sama Julian, apalagi di taman itu ada ring basket. Dia jadi tambah kangen sama Julian, Julian itu jago banget olahraga. Main basket, main bola, tinju sampai hobi banget mendaki gunung karena dulunya Julian sempat aktif sebagai anak MAPALA di kampus mereka.

Dulu, waktu Julian masih aktif mendaki, Julian pernah bawain Ara bunga edelweiss yang sampai sekarang masih Ara simpan di kamar mereka. Cowok itu juga gak pernah melewatkan ngirimin view indah dari atas gunung setiap kali ia mendaki.

Awal-awal mereka pacaran pun, Julian benar-benar bikin Ara bahagia. Pria itu selalu punya 1001 cara buat bikin Ara senyum, pria yang punya kesabaran luar biasa melebihi Papa nya yang kadang aja gak kuat menghadapi keras kepalanya Ara.

Mikirin Julian dan mengingat semua masa-masa bahagia mereka bikin hati Ara terasa di cubit dari dalam, dia nangis sesegukan di sana. Untungnya tamannya lumayan sepi, hanya ada anak-anak kecil saja yang sedang bermain dengan jarak yang agak jauh dari Ara.

Di dekat Ara duduk, hanya ada sepasang lansia di sana. Sepertinya sedang berjemur, ngeliat lansia itu Ara jadi kepikiran apa dia sama Julian bakalan bisa ada di waktu seperti itu? Berdua, selamanya sampai mereka tua. Sampai mungkin rambut hitam legam mereka berubah menjadi putih.

Saking penuhnya isi kepala Ara sama Julian, dia sampai enggak sadar kalau nenek-nenek lansia yang tadinya duduk di kursi berjarak agak jauh darinya itu kini pindah menghampiri Ara.

“Neng nya lagi banyak masalah ya?” ucap lansia itu, membuat Ara yang lagi menunduk karena menangis agak sedikit kaget.

Dia buru-buru mengusap air matanya itu, dan ngasih senyuman canggung. Dia malu banget nangis sampai di samperin sama nenek-nenek itu, Ara cuma takut isaknya menganggu.

“Iya, Mbah.”

“Masalah rumah tangga ya, Neng?” tebak nenek-nenek itu yang membuat Ara kaget. Apa sekelihatan itu? Atau ini hanya murni tebakan nenek-nenek itu saja.

“Kok Mbah nya tau?”

Nenek-nenek itu tertawa, tangan kurus dan keriput itu mengusap punggung Ara. Ada desiran nyaman sekali ketika telapak tangan yang tidak muda lagi itu mengusap punggungnya.

“Si Mbah kan pernah muda dulu, Suami neng nya kemana sekarang?”

“Di rumah, Mbah.”

Nenek-nenek itu tersenyum, “menikah itu memang enggak mudah, Neng. Namanya juga menyatukan dua isi kepala, menikah itu juga bukan akhir dari perjalanan hidup, justru itu awal baru. Masalah pasti datang tapi itu justru cara Tuhan menguji kesetiaan kita sama pasangan.”

“Tapi ujian saya kok kayanya berat banget yah, Mbah?” Ara gak sadar jadi netesin air mata lagi, dia selalu ingat kekecewaan yang dia telan setiap kali dia mencoba buat cek kehamilan pakai testpack.

“Kenapa, Neng?”

“Saya tuh, cuma mau bahagiain suami saya, Mbah. Kami sudah menikah satu tahun, saya kepengen banget bisa ngasih dia anak. Tapi kok kayanya gak mudah, kadang saya mikir, Mbah. Apa saya emang gak pantas jadi Ibu?”

Nenek-nenek itu tersenyum, berumur 75 tahun bikin beliau punya pengalaman hidup bermacam-macam terutama saat berumah tangga. Liat Ara nangis sendirian pun Nenek-nenek itu hanya teringat akan dirinya di masa lalu.

“Mbah juga dulu punya anak lama sekali. 10 tahun, Neng. Baru di berikan keturunan oleh Gusti Allah.”

Ara menoleh ke arah nenek-nenek yang duduk di sampingnya itu, dia kaget sekaligus kagum banget. Ya tentu cerita seperti itu bukan menjadi hal yang aneh bagi Ara, bahkan mungkin di luar sana ada pasangan lain yang di karuniai anak lebih lama dari pada itu.

“Yang penting, kita tetap berdoa dan berusaha. Apalagi kalau Suaminya neng mau bersabar. Nanti di datangkan anak yang baik dan sholeh buat kalian berdua.”

Mendengar nasihat dari Nenek-nenek di sebelahnya bikin Ara semakin terisak, dia meluk nenek-nenek itu karena rasanya dia kaya lagi di nasihatin sama neneknya sendiri, oiya. Dari kecil Ara tuh enggak pernah ngerasain kehadiran nenek di hidupnya.

Ibu dari Bunda sudah meninggal waktu Bunda berusia 17 tahun, sedangkan Ibu dari Papa itu sudah meninggal waktu Mas Yuda berumur 1 tahun. Jadi Ara enggak pernah tahu rasanya punya nenek itu seperti apa, setelah lega berbicara dengan nenek-nenek yang ia temui di taman. Ara pulang ke hotelnya dan nyalain ponselnya.

Sederet pesan singkat dari Julian, panggilan masuk dari Suaminya itu langsung memenuhi layar ponselnya. Bahkan Elara juga mengiriminya pesan, yang Ara buka justru pesan dari Elara dulu karena ada kata umpatan disana, Wanita itu ngirimin foto Julian sama Januar di rumah mereka. Julian pucat banget, kelihatan enggak sehat dan kelihatan berantakan banget.

Tanpa berpikir panjang, Ara langsung mengemasi barangnya dan check out dari hotel tempat dia menginap. Dia gak bawa mobil, jadi Ara harus naik bus dari sana. Sampai di rumahnya keadaanya benar-benar sepi. Mobil Julian juga terparkir di garasi mereka yang artinya Julian enggak pergi bekerja. Pagar rumah pun sedikit terbuka, kalau aja dia lagi enggak khawatir sama keadaan Julian pasti dia udah ngomelin Suaminya itu karena ngebiarin pagar rumah mereka terbuka.

“Abang?” panggil Ara waktu dia buka pintu rumahnya.

Rumahnya sudah rapih, enggak ada bau asap rokok, abu rokok atau pun puntung rokok lagi. Tapi Ara enggak mendapati Julian di ruang tamu, akhirnya dia meriksa kamar mereka. Ternyata Julian lagi meringkuk di ranjang mereka. Liat Julian tidur bikin Ara semakin sedih, apalagi muka Julian pucat banget.

“Jul?” panggil Ara, dia ngusap pipi Julian yang bikin Suaminya itu jadi bangun.

“Sayang.” Julian bangun, dia duduk dan langsung meluk Ara kencang banget. Bahkan Ara bisa ngerasain kalau badan Julian panas, pria itu demam.

“Badan kamu demam banget, Jul.”

“Gapapa, yang penting kamu udah pulang.” Julian senyum, gak ada yang lebih melegakan dari dia udah bisa liat istrinya itu di rumah lagi. Nyeri yang di timbulkan karena demam yang belum kunjung turun dari semalam rasanya hilang gitu aja, meski enggak bisa di bohongin kalo Julian masih lemas.

Tadi pagi Chaka sempat nganterin bubur buat Julian karena di suruh Januar, tapi Julian belum makan buburnya. Kayanya udah berair juga karena sekarang sudah jam 3 sore.oiya Julian larang Januar sama Elara cerita ke Arial dan Gita. Julian benar-benar gak mau membebani pasangan itu.

“Aku kompres ya? Kamu udah makan belum?” Ara ngurai pelukan Julian, merhatiin wajah pucat Suaminya itu.

“Belum, makannya boleh nanti aja gak? Aku masih mau meluk kamu.”

Ara terkekeh, “aku belum mandi.”

“Gapapa, aku juga belum mandi dari kemarin malah.”

Keduanya terkekeh pelan karena sama-sama belum mandi, tapi bedanya kan Julian enggak keringetan karena dia lagi demam. Sedangkan Ara tadi tuh keringetan banget sampai netes-netes.

“Maafin aku ya, Jul.” sebelum Julian meluk dia lagi, Ara harus minta maaf sama Suaminya itu. Dia baru bisa lega kalau udah dapat maaf dari Julian.

“Gapapa, Sayang. Aku juga minta maaf, karena udah ngatain kamu kasar banget kaya kemarin.”

Ara ngangguk, dia jadi nangis lagi. Julian benar-benar punya kesabaran yang luas banget dan maafnya buat kesalahan Ara dan tingkah nyebelinya tuh kayanya enggak ada habisnya. Ara meluk Julian, walau Julian jadi agak bersandar di head board ranjang mereka karena lemas.

“Aku sayang banget sama kamu, Jul.”

“Jangan pergi lagi kalau gitu ya.”

Malam nya setelah makan malam dan memastikan demam Julian udah turun, keduanya hanya bergerumul di dalam selimut tebal ranjang mereka saja. Di luar juga hujan deras, keduanya enggak tau mau ngapain lagi selain tidur-tiduran di ranjang.

“Selama di Jatinangor kamu ngapain aja?” tanya Julian. Dia mainin rambut Ara yang masih nyaman banget di pelukannya, walau agaknya Julian gerah karena demam nya itu baru turun setelah di beri paracetamol.

“Tiduran, nonton film, lari pagi sampai capek. Udah itu aja.”

“Udah jauh lebih baik?”

Ara mengangguk, “waktu lagi istirahat di taman, aku jadi mikirin waktu-waktu kita pacaran dulu. Kamu ingat gak waktu kamu ajak aku ke Sumeru?”

“Ingat, gimana aku bisa lupa kamu di sana sampai hipotermia.” Julian tersenyum getir, selama pengalamanya mendaki. Baru kali itu Julian menangani seseorang yang terkena hipotermia, terlebih itu adalah Ara.

“Kita ke sana lagi yuk, Bang?” Ara cuma kepikiran mau nyari suasana baru bareng Julian. Dia mau nyari pengalaman baru dengan ikut Julian mendaki, walau mungkin kayanya Ara enggak akan sanggup sampai puncak.

“Ngapain? Gak ah.”

“Ihhhh Ijul, mau ke sana. Gak usah sampai puncak, kita ngecamp di Ranukumbolo aja, yuk?” Ara megang kedua pipi Julian biar Suaminya itu ngeliatin dia. Dia cuma keingetan aja sama keindahan danau itu, ngeliat di foto-foto lama nya dulu bikin Ara ingin kembali ke sana.

“Kamu tuh random banget tau gak?”

please... jatah cuti kamu tahun ini belum di pakai kan?”

Julian menggeleng, “kamu yakin?”

“Yakin, kalau sampai Ranukumbolo aku kuat kok. Kata kamu juga kan jalur nya masih agak landai, ya? Apa landai nya buat kamu aja?” Pikir Ara.

Julian senyum, tapi akhirnya dia mengangguk juga. Dia pikir itu bukan ide yang buruk, mereka berdua bisa sama-sama healing di sana. Lagi pula, Julian sudah lama sekali tidak mendaki. Terakhir kali Julian mendaki Rinjani bersama teman-teman MAPALA nya, itu pun setelah ia selesai sidang skripsi dan tinggal menunggu wisuda saja. Setelah itu Julian enggak pernah mendaki lagi.


“Lagian yah, lo tuh ada gila-gila nya juga tau gak nyuruh laki lo poligami!” cerocos Elara.

Hari ini Elara datang ke rumah Ara setelah Janu dapat kabar dari Julian kalau Ara sudah kembali ke rumah, Julian juga sudah sehat. Pria itu sudah kembali bekerja di kantor setelah hampir satu minggu hanya bekerja dari rumah.

“Namanya juga orang lagi banyak pikiran, El.” Ara menghela nafasnya, dia tau idenya kemarin konyol banget. Dia sendiri juga malu dan menyesal banget udah ngomong kaya gitu ke Julian.

“Kalau Julian beneran brengsek terus poligami beneran yang mewek juga siapa, elo kan? Ini kalo Gita sampe tau beneran habis deh lo.”

“Sama lo juga gue di omelin.”

“Ya siapa yang gak ngomel kalo elu nyuruh laki lu poligami Ara!” Elara udah capek banget bilangin Ara yang ngeyel ini. “Tapi sekarang gimana?”

“Udah membaik kok, gue sama Ijul juga udah maafan, sampai sekarang gue masih berusaha buat berdamai sama diri sendiri dulu. Terus gue ngajak Ijul hiking.”

“Berdua?”

Ara ngangguk, “benar kata dia, selagi belum punya anak banyak hal yang bisa gue sama dia lakuin. Gue mau coba buat bersabar dulu, El.”

Ara sedikit demi sedikit sudah bisa menerima kenyataan kalau gak semua yang dia inginkan harus tercapai dalam waktu dekat juga, dia emang harus ekstra bersabar. Dia mau nyoba banyak hal baru sama Julian sampai waktu itu tiba.

“Syukur deh gue dengarnya ikutan seneng. Jangan kabur-kabur dari rumah lagi ya lo, Ra. Kalau kemarin gue sama Janu telat ke rumah lo kayanya Julian beneran bisa lebih tepar dari kemarin.”

Ara mengangguk, “thanks ya, El.”

“Lo tuh kalo ada masalah cerita, Ra.”

“Justru masalahnya kemarin itu ada di gue, El. Eh iya, tapi Gita sama Mas Iyal gak tau kan?”

“Gue sih enggak cerita ya ke Gita, tapi gue gak bisa jamin Janu enggak ngember.”

Ara mengulum bibirnya sendiri, kalau Janu ngasih tau Gita sama Arial pun kayanya Ara udah siap di omelin deh. Dia beneran salah dan pantas buat di maki, setelah Elara pulang. Ara sempat nyari kesibukan dengan nyiram tanaman-tanaman di taman kecilnya itu sekaligus kasih makan Leon sama Nanang.

Rencana nya sama Julian buat berangkat ke Sumeru itu masih tiga minggu lagi, Ara sama Julian juga mulai nyicil logistik yang mau di bawa ke Malang sama nyiapin surat sehat. Ya walaupun sebagian Julian udah punya sih peralatannya. Mereka emang gak sampai ke puncak, Ara belum seberani itu karena medan nya cukup berat. Dia juga agak trauma buat sampai ke puncak karena waktu itu dia kena hipotermia, iya pas sudah melewati kalimati.

Waktu Julian pulang, mereka sempat makan bareng dulu di meja makan. Julian cerita kesehariannya di kantor dan Ara yang minta saran sama Julian buat pilihin dia gedung untuk buka praktik psikolog nya itu. Pokoknya, kalau lagi makan tuh mereka banyak banget bertukar cerita tentang hari ini.

Julian udah paham banget kalau dari dulu istrinya itu suka banget cerita, apapun Ara ceritain bahkan nonton film aja mereka suka diskusi tentang alur dan karakter filmnya. Apalagi kalau endingnya enggak sesuai sama yang Ara harapkan.

“Minggu ini kayanya kita harus ke toko outdoor deh sayang, aku baru ingat kalau Headlamp punyaku rusak. Terus yang satu lagi kebawa sama anak MAPALA belum di balikin. Sekalian kita cari tenda,” kata Julian di sela-sela makan mereka.

“Tenda yang di gudang itu emangnya kenapa?”

“Kebesaran sayangku, kan kita cuma berdua.”

Ara ngangguk-ngangguk, dia sebenarnya kepikiran buat hiking lagi setelah dari Ranukumbolo. Maksudnya mau benar-benar hiking sampai puncak, kayanya bakalan seru banget kalau dia bisa ngelakuin itu berdua sama Julian.

“Bang?”

“Hm?”

“Kamu udah pernah naik ke mana aja sih?”

“Sumeru, Gunung Gede, Rinjani, Merbabu, sama Papandayan waktu itu aku tektok,” jelas Julian cengengesan emang selalu cengengesan sih padahal gak ada yang lucu, tapi kaya bangga aja dia bisa sampai di puncak.

“Tektok?” Ara mengerutkan keningnya bingung.

“Satu hari sayang.”

“Papandayan? Kan deket ya dari Bandung. Cuma satu hari? Naiknya?

Julian mengangguk, waktu itu dia masih pemula di MAPALA dan gunung pertama yang Julian daki ya Gunung Papandayan karena emang gunung itu cocok banget buat pemula.

“Iya, orang landai kok, kamu juga walau ke Ranukumbolo doang tetap harus olahraga ya sayang, lari kek keliling komplek. Biar kakinya enggak geter pas naik.”

Ara mengangguk mengiyakan, “Ih kapan-kapan kita ke sana yuk, Bang. Terus gunung mana lagi yang cocok buat pemula kaya aku?” Ara jadi excited sendiri.

“Prau? Aku belum pernah ke sana sih. Atau kita mau ke Bromo?” Julian naik turunin alisnya, agak nyebelin di mata Ara sebenernya.

“Ish, ke Bromo kan udah pernah, kamu mah.”

“Kita ke Sumeru juga udah pernah kan, sayang.”

“Tapi kan waktu itu aku hipo, Ijul mah.” Rengek Ara.

“Yaudah, habis dari Sumeru kita ke Gunung Prau aja ya, aku jadi penasaran kenapa kamu jadi mau nyoba hiking deh? Padahal dulu waktu aku izin muncak pasti kamu separuh ngambek, apalagi pas aku cerita kalau medan nya lumayan berat.”

Julian udah selesai makan, dia beresin piring bekas makannya sama Ara. Mereka terbiasa bagi tugas, kalau Ara yang masak makan malam dan nyiapin makan malam nya, itu artinya Julian yang cuci piring dan ngelap meja makan.

“Mau cari suasana baru aja, sekalian nyari jawaban dari rasa penasaran aku kenapa kamu ketagihan banget muncak.”

Julian yang dengar itu jadi terkekeh, dia senang sebenarnya Ara mau muncak bareng dia. Tapi Julian sendiri enggak akan ngajak Ara ke gunung yang medan nya berat, dia paham fisik istrinya itu enggak begitu kuat.

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from Almost ☑

Setelah pulang dari toko peralatan mendaki, Julian sama Ara mulai packing barang-barang yang mereka bawa. Kalau Julian nyiapin segala logistik, Ara nyiapin surat-surat yang mau mereka bawa. Iya, naik gunung tuh harus urus administrasinya dulu secara online dan berkas-berkas kaya foto copy KTP, surat sehat, materai 2 lembar dan print bukti pendaftaran mendaki.

Julian juga baru tau kalau puncak Sumeru saat ini sedang di tutup, jadi ya pendaki mentok-mentok cuma sampai Ranukumbolo saja. Julian ceklis semua peralatan yang lagi dia siapin kaya tenda, carrier, trash bag, jas hujan, sleeping bag, handwarmer, lampu tenda, tracking pole dan senter. Setelah memastikan semuanya sudah siap Julian menghampiri Ara yang sedang registrasi dari laptop nya di ruang tamu. Sebenarnya tracking pole itu punya Ara, dari dulu Julian enggak pernah pakai tracking pole karena ngerasa enggak butuh aja.

Oiya Julian beresin berlengkapan mereka itu di depan gudang, letaknya tak jauh dari ruang TV mereka. Julian meluk Ara dari belakang terus nyiumin lehernya sampe Ara bergedik kegelian.

“Geli ih...” Gerutu Ara.

“Ishhh galak.” Julian akhirnya duduk di samping istrinya itu sambil buka topless berisi keripik tempe yang barusan mereka beli. “Udah bisa sayang?”

“Udah kok, aku tinggal print buktinya aja.”

Julian manggut-manggut, hari minggu ini dia mau pakai buat olahraga kecil. Tadi pagi sebelum ke toko perlengkapan alat mendaki, Julian sama Ara sempat lari pagi dulu. Sore nanti Julian mau latihan tinju lagi di taman belakang rumah mereka, ada sedikit space buat Julian naruh alat-alat olahraga nya disana. Ada samsak juga buat dia latihan dan sarung tinju.

Meski sudah bukan menjadi petarung di BlackBox, Julian masih sering berlatih. Dia tuh suka banget sama tinju dan basket, dan untung nya Ara enggak pernah ngelarang-ngelarang dia buat lakuin dua hobi nya itu. Mereka tuh saling mendukung hobi masing-masing gak pernah menganggap remeh hobi yang mereka sukain juga.

“Kamu yakin nih, Sayang. Kita enggak mau naik mobil sendiri aja?” Tanya Julian, Ara ngotot minta naik kereta. Katanya dia udah lama banget enggak naik kereta, mau cobain gerbong bisnis class karena terakhir kali mereka naik kereta ke Malang pun naik yang kelas ekonomi.

“Iya yakin, aku mau buat vlog juga tau, Bang. Emang kenapa sih?” Ara noleh, dia ambil satu keripik tempe yang ada di pangkuan Julian dan senderan di bahu suaminya itu.

“Ya gapapa, aku takut kamu kecapekan aja sebenarnya sih. Kalo naik mobil kan lebih nyaman kamu tidurnya.”

“Kalo aku capek, aku pasti bilang sama kamu. Lagi pula kalau naik mobil sendiri, aku justru khawatir nya sama kamu. Kamu bakalan nyetir lama banget loh. Aku gak yakin bisa gantian sama kamu nyetir nya, aku kan gak pernah nyetir jauh-jauh apalagi sampai keluar kota kaya gitu.” Ara tuh bisa kok nyetir, dia bahkan punya SIM A tapi buat nyetir jauh hingga keluar kota dia enggak berani. Mentok-mentok ya ke Jakarta saja.

Yang di ucapin Ara sebenarnya ada benarnya juga, ia pasti lelah mengemudi sendirian. Apalagi jarak dari Bandung ke Malang itu jauh sekali, belum lagi jika mereka akan melewati jalanan yang menanjak atau sedikit tajam pada belokan. Saking sayangnya dengan Ara, kadang Julian sampai tidak memikirkan dirinya sendiri.

“Bener ya?” Julian liatin muka Ara, dia tuh beneran sekhawatir itu Ara kecapekan.

“Iya suamiku, tapi kalo misal nih yah aku capek tapi kita udah setengah jalan. Terus gimana tuh?” Ara meluk Julian, gak tau kenapa akhir-akhir ini dia jadi lebih clingy banget ke Julian. Suka banget kalau meluk Julian, ndusel di dadanya apalagi. Tapi dia suka marah kalau Julian nyiumin leher nya karena geli.

“Ya aku gendong lah. Terus kita turun.”

“Ishhh, kamu mah masa turun?” Pekik Ara, dia sedikit nabok perut Julian sampai pria itu kaget.

“Aku gak mau maksain naik sayang, khawatir kamu drop gimana?”

“Tuh kan kamu mah pikirannya negatif gitu, doa yang baik-baik kenapa sih.”

“Bukan negatif, Sayang. Aku tuh khawatir aja pengalaman kamu kena hipotermia di sana tuh jadi pengalaman pertama aku, waktu sama anak MAPALA mereka gak ada yang kena hipo. Makanya aku agak sedikit trauma aja,” Julian beneran sedikit trauma waktu Ara hipotermia sampai hilang kesadaran, bahkan Julian gak bisa maafin dirinya sendiri kalau sesuatu yang buruk terjadi sama Ara waktu itu.

“Maaf ya, tapi sekarang beneran gapapa kok. Kita prepare nya juga udah banyak banget kan, bahkan kamu siapin baju berlayer-layer biar aku enggak kedinginan. Oiya, Bang.”

“Kenapa?”

“Kamu yakin gak mau pakai jasa guide?” Di website tempat Ara registrasi tuh mereka sempat di tawari jasa guide, mengingat mereka akan berada 2 hari di Ranukumbolo.

“Gausah, sayangku. Dulu waktu aku jadi anak MAPALA aku udah otomatis jadi anggota pecinta alam. Sedikit banyaknya aku paham prosedur mendaki, lagi pula ini jadi pendakian aku ke Sumeru yang ke tiga kali,” jelas Julian dengan bangga nya.

Teman pendakian Julian itu lumayan banyak, terutama di gunung-gunung yang sudah pernah dia naiki. Bahkan Julian punya beberapa kontak ranger di gunung Sumeru dan Rinjani, waktu Julian bilang mau kembali ke Sumeru saja dia langsung mengabari ranger di sana, mereka akan di jemput menggunakan jeep dari stasiun nanti ke basecamp.

“Sombong ih kamu mah.” Ara nusuk pinggang Julian pakai telunjuknya bikin Suaminya itu bergedik geli.

“Ih siapa yang sombong lagi cerita ini sayangku.”

Ara terkekeh, “tapi sombong juga gapapa soalnya Suami aku keren banget!!”

Sejak berbaikan dengan Julian rasanya setiap berdekatan sama Julian atau merhatiin apapun yang Julian lakuin tuh bikin Ara ngerasa jatuh cinta lagi sama Suaminya itu, rasa deg-degan, perut di penuhi oleh kupu-kupu itu masih ada. Bahkan liatin Julian lagi tidur pun bikin dia senyum-senyum sendiri.

Kaya sekarang ini, setelah mereka selesai dengan segala kebutuhan mendaki. Ara milih buat ngedit konten di taman belakang sambil ngeliatin Julian berlatih tinju, sejujurnya Ara enggak konsentrasi. Ya gimana mau konsen kalau suara dari pukulan yang di layangkan Julian pada samsak di depannya itu bikin konsentrasi Ara jadi teralihkan.

Apalagi liatin keringat Julian yang bercucuran, rambut yang setengah basah karena keringat dan enggak lupa. ABS yang tercetak sempurna di perut suaminya itu menambah kesan sexy pada Suaminya. Gara-gara itu, Ara sampai menggelengkan kepala. Pikirannya beneran melayang kemana-mana.

“Kamu kenapa liatin aku kaya gitu?”

Gara-gara ngalamun, Ara sampe enggak sadar kalau Julian udah duduk di samping dia. Pria itu ambil minumnya yang ada di tumblr gitu terus nenggak air mineral di dalamnya, Ara bukannya jawab malah fokus ngeliatin Julian minum. Gak sih, bukan liatin Julian aja. Tapi ngeliatin jakun nya yang naik turun karna lagi minum, Ara sampai mukul kepalanya sendiri karena isi kepalanya jadi kemana-mana.

Julian yang ngeliat Ara mukul kepalanya sendiri ngerutin keningnya bingung, terus ngusap-ngusap kepala Ara yang baru saja di pukul sang empunya.

“Ih kenapa di pukul-pukul kaya gitu? Kalo geger otak gimana?” tanya Julian heran.

“Ish, lebay itu mah masa gitu aja geger otak.”

“Ya bisa kali aja sayang? Kenapa sih? Dari tadi kayanya gak fokus banget.” Julian majuin mukanya terus ngeliatin Ara yang tadinya lagi berusaha ngedit konten nya lagi.

Dalam hati Ara kepengen banget misuhin Julian tapi kan dosa ya itu kan Suaminya, tapi Julian ini kaya lagi ngeledek dia banget. Apa emang sengaja ya? Pikir Ara.

“Kamu mandi sana gih, keringetan banget kaya gitu deket-deket aku.” Ara ngedorong kening Julian pakai telunjuknya.

“Kata kamu keringet aku wangi? Katanya aku kalo lagi latihan tambah keren.”

“Iya tapi keringetan banget itu netes-netes ih.” Ara nunjuk keringet Julian yang jatuh dari rahangnya itu. Dalam hati dia gak bisa gak bilang kalau Suaminya itu sexy banget.

“Mandi berdua yuk, Sayang?”

“Aku udah mandi.”

“Gapapa mandi lagi.”

“Gak ah, masuk angin entar.”

“Entar aku kerokin,” Julian ini ada aja ngasih jawabannya.

“Ishhh gak mau ah, sana mandi dulu gara-gara kamu tau gak aku ngedit enggak kelar-kelar.”

Julian cemberut, dia gak tau aja istrinya itu lagi nahan salah tingkah setengah mati. Pria itu enggak ngejawab, Julian langsung berdiri dari sana dan masuk ke kamar mereka buat mandi, di saat itulah Ara baru bisa bernafas lega. Dia yakin banget pipinya udah merah karena malu, untung saja Julian tidak menyadarinya.


Hari dimana mereka akan berangkat ke Malang akhirnya tiba, mereka memang memesan tiket keberangkatan pagi. Kata Ara biar bisa lihat pemandangan, waktu masuk ke dalam gerbong kereta Ara excited banget karna menurut dia kursi kereta yang mereka pesan begitu nyaman apalagi perjalanan mereka akan menempuh perjalanan jauh.

“Guys, sekarang aku sama Suami aku udah di dalam kereta. Tau gak sih, aku beneran excited banget karena pertama kalinya naik kereta di busines class. Ternyata beneran senyaman ini ya.” Ara ngomong ke arah kamera nya, dia juga nunjukin ke sekitar mereka dan nunjukin fasilitas di dalam kereta itu.

Julian cuma senyum-senyum aja, senang banget ngeliat Istrinya itu sudah kembali semangat seperti biasanya. Mereka bukan enggak pernah ngomongin tentang anak lagi, mereka tetap membicarakan hal itu kok cuma ya lebih santai aja. Ara juga cerita kalau segala pemikiran negatif nya perlahan sudah mulai hilang.

Meski sudah menyelesaikan kontraknya di Klinik Sunhine dan lebih banyak menghabiskan waktu di rumah, Ara tuh tetap produktif. Selain dia sedang mempersiapkan izin praktiknya, Ara juga masih aktif membuat konten dan nyari ide-idenya sendiri. Selain itu Ara juga menemukan hobi barunya, di taman depan dekat kandang Nanang dan Leon dia menanam tanaman hias yang rajin banget Ara siram dan kasih pupuk, pokoknya ada saja yang di lakuin wanita itu.

Selesai dengan vlog nya, Ara simpan kamera miliknya itu. Dia gak mau full perjalanan isinya cuma dia ngevlog aja dia mau menikmati perjalananya ke Malang.

“Aku mau itu,” Ara nunjuk kulit ayam yang ada di kotak punya Julian, tadi mereka sempat memesan ayam geprek dulu sebelum keretanya jalan.

“Ini emang aku udah sisihin buat kamu kok.” Julian ngasih kulit ayam miliknya ke kotak makan punya Ara.

Meski Julian juga menyukai kulit ayam, tapi tetap saja kalau Ara memintanya dan menjadi bagian kesukaan istrinya itu Julian akan rela membaginya.

“Ish baik banget Suami aku,” gumam Ara dia senyum sumringah banget.

“Enak gak?”

Ara ngangguk, “enak, tapi aku lebih suka pakai yang sambal merahnya deh. Lebih pedas tau, Bang.”

“nanti perut kamu sakit lagi, jangan makan pedas-pedas terus ah.”

Denger Julian ngomong gitu Ara cemberut, tapi enggak lama atensinya teralihkan karena ponsel miliknya berdering dan menampakan nama Arial di sana, Arial memanggilnya lewat panggilan video ternyata.

“Mas Iyal!!” pekik Ara, dia senyum banget waktu liat Arial lagi gendong si kembar kayanya keponakan-keponakannya Ara itu lagi kangen sama aunty nya aja sih.

kamu dimana, Dek?” Arial ngerutin dahinya di sebrang sana, bersamaan dengan si kembar Elios dan Eloise yanh mendekatkan wajah mereka ke ponsel Arial.

aunty dimana? Naik keleta ya?” tanya Elios dengan kedipan polosnya.

Ara mengangguk, ia mengarahkan kamera ponselnya ke dekat Julian juga supaya Julian bisa liat keponakan-keponakannya.

“Aunty sama uncle Ijul lagi naik kereta mau jalan-jalan.” Ara terkekeh.

aku mau ikut!!” pekik si kembar bersamaan.

“Yah, Elios sama Eloise telat nih, nanti uncle sama aunty bawain oleh-oleh aja ya?” Timpal Julian pada si kembar.

jangan lupa ya uncle!!

“Iya, sayang-sayangnya uncle Ijul.”

mau ke mana, kalian?” Arial kembali mengarahkan ponselnya ke wajahnya sendiri. Si kembar sudah kembali bermain lagi.

“Mau ke Malang, Mas. Ara ngajakin ke Ranukumbolo mau refreshing katanya.” yang jawab Julian karena Ara lanjut makan lagi.

kalian balik ke Sumeru lagi? Astaga, nanti kalau Ara hipo lagi gimana, Jul? Lo ya pake di turutin aja lagi,” cerocos Arial, dia agak trauma juga pas dulu Julian ngabarin kalau Ara sempat terkena hiportermia sampai harus di larikan ke rumah sakit.

“Ihhh Mas Iyal jangan marahin Suami aku!!” pekik Ara. “Lagian aku udah persiapan banget kok, lagi pula sampai Ranukumbolo tuh masih aman tau. Julian juga bakalan jagain aku kok.”

“Iya, Mas. Masih aman kok, gue pasti jagain Ara.” meski mereka sudah menikah, Arial tuh masih hobi ngebawelin Julian kadang kalau Julian suka nurutin keinginan Ara yang enggak-enggak, ya kaya gini contohnya balik ke Sumeru lagi.

yaudah pokoknya hati-hati ya, kalian lama di sana?”

“Mau ke Prau juga, Mas. Aku sama Julian mau berpetualang. Mas Iyal mau oleh-oleh apa?”

gausah, kalian balik dengan selamat aja. Oh iya, Mas Iyal tadinya mau ngabarin sesuatu ke kalian.

“Ada apa, Mas?”

kalian bakalan punya keponakan lagi deh,” Arial senyum-senyum sendiri ngasih taunya.

“Wah serius?! Gita hamil lagi, Mas Iyal?” pekik Ara dia seneng banget dengernya, Ara sama sekali enggak ada rasa kaya sedih atau apapun itu kok karena orang lain hamil tapi dia belum. Dia beneran sebahagia itu dengarnya karena bakalan nambah keponakan lagi.

“Si kembar bakalan punya adek dong, Mas? Udah berapa bulan, Mas?” Julian juga ikutan senang dengarnya, meski tadinya dia sedikit khawatir Ara bakalan sedih. Tapi melihat respon Ara yang bahagai itu dia benar-benar ikut lega.

Udah 9 minggu, doain ya sampai persalinan lancar.

“Aamiin,” ucap Julian dan Ara bersamaan.

Selepas melakukan panggilan video dengan Arial, Ara dan Julian asik melihat pemandangan dari dalam kereta. Sesekali mereka juga foto berdua, sampai hari yang tadinya terang itu lama kelamaan menjadi gelap. Energi keduanya sudah sedikit terkuras, mereka hanya berbagi earphone dan mendengarkan lagu berdua. Ara menaruh kepalanya di bahu Julian dengan kedua tangan mereka yang saling terpaut.

“Ngantuk ya?” tanya Julian.

“Sedikit, kamu ngantuk?”

Julian menggeleng pelan, “belum.”

“Jul?” Ara narik kepala nya dari bahu Julian, keduanya saling melempar pandangan. “Nanti pas di Sumeru, kamu masih tetap beliin aku edelweiss lagi gak?”

Julian yang mendengar pertanyaan random dari istrinya itu jadi tertawa, “aku beliin sayang, walau perginya sama kamu tetap aku beliin kok. Tapi sebenarnya aku tuh tadinya gak mau beliin kamu edelweiss lagi loh sejak kita ke Sumeru pertama kali itu.”

“Kenapa?” Ara ngerutin dahinya.

“Karena aku udah bawa orang yang aku sayang ke tempat dimana bunga itu tumbuh. Lebih indah di lihat sendiri di habitat nya kan?”

Karena semakin malam mereka berdua sempat tidur, kadang kalau tiba-tiba terbangun Julian suka main game di ponselnya. Kalau Ara sih beneran full tidur, sesekali dia bangun sih cuma mau ke toilet aja. Saat pagi tiba dan sayup-sayup matahari mulai menyorot ke arah jendela kereta mereka, Ara sama Julian liatin pemandangan dari dalamnya. Hamparan sawah dan pemandangan dari gunung yang terlihat jauh itu begitu indah.

“Cantik banget ya, Bang.” gumam Ara, dia sampai bergedik merinding saking indahnya.

“Sama kaya kamu cantiknya.” mungkin terdengar gombal tapi sedari tadi yang Julian lihat bukan pemandangan di luar sana, melainkan wajah istrinya sendiri.

“Kamu ih...” Ara jadi salah tingkah sendiri. Dia yakin banget kalau sekarang wajahnya sudah memerah karena rasanya sedikit menghangat.

“Pasti kedengerannya gombal ya? Tapi beneran kamu sama indahnya kaya pemandangan di depan, sampai bingung aku mau liat yang mana.”

“Ijul ihhhhh jangan gitu,” Ara mukul lengan Julian beneran salting soalnya.

Ucapan Julian tuh emang kadang kedengerannya kaya gombal, tapi sebenarnya apa yang dia bilang itu sebuah kejujuran. Walau udah menikah, Julian masih sering senyum-senyum sendiri waktu liat Ara dandan cantik banget, waktu Ara tidur sampai waktu Ara lagi masak di dapur. Semua yang di lakuin Ara menurut Julian itu selalu bikin dia ngerasa jatuh cinta berkali-kali.

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from Almost ☑

Sesampainya di Malang, mereka di jemput oleh temannya Julian yang juga seorang ranger di Gunung Sumeru. Namanya Mas Adi, di jeep keduanya banyak sekali bercerita terutama tentang kenapa puncak Sumeru harus di tutup dan pendakian hanya mencapai Ranukumbolo saja.

Ara pikir mereka hanya berdua saja saat di jemput oleh Mas Adi, ternyata ada pendaki lainnya juga. Mas Adi bilang Ara dan Julian bisa berangkat mendaki bersamaan dengan pendaki yang Mas Adi jemput juga, mereka berasal dari Jakarta ternyata. Sesapainya di desa Ranu Pani sekaligus tempat basecamp mereka, di sana Julian sempat menyerahkan beberapa surat-surat keperluan mendaki sekaligus melapor logistik apa saja yang mereka bawa.

Ara duduk tak jauh dari sana, tadi Julian beli pecel di jalan. Jadi Ara makan dulu sambil Julian selesai melakukan registrasi, karena hanya berdua, Julian sama Ara masuk ke dalam tim dari Jakarta, Mas Adi juga bilang kalo di atas hanya ada 10 orang saja. Kalau Ara dan tim yang bersama nya naik, itu artinya nanti di Ranukumbolo hanya akan ada 16 orang saja.

Sumeru memang baru di buka lagi setelah terjadi longsor, bahkan Mas Adi juga memberi tahu Julian jika keberadaan pos 3 dan 4 sudah berubah. Makanya mereka enggak bisa mendaki berdua saja, akan sangat bahaya dan rawan masuk ke hutan.

“Enak gak?” Tanya Julian setelah ia selesai menyerahkan surat-surat mereka.

“Enak, mau coba?”

Julian mengangguk, “suapin ya?”

“Manja ih,” Ara terkekeh, walau begitu dia tetap nyuapin Julian pecel nya.

Oiya mereka enggak bisa mendaki saat itu juga, karena cuaca sedang buruk. Angin sedikit kencang dan hujan nya lumayan lebat, jadi Ara sama Julian mendirikan tenda dulu di sana untuk besok pagi memulai pendakian.

“Kahu kehinginan hak?” Tanya Julian dengan mulut penuh berisi pecel yang Ara suapin ke dia barusan. Ada gorengannya juga makanya penuh banget mulutnya.

“Kamu ngomong apa sih?” Ara terkekeh, Julian benar-benar terlihat menggemaskan.

Julian cepet-cepet nguyah makanan di dalam mulutnya, “kamu kedinginan enggak?”

“Lumayan, nanti aku pakai jaket yang tebal lagi aja ya. Pas udah diriin tenda nanti aku ambil, ada di carrier soalnya.”

Julian menggeleng pelan, dia lepasin jaket punya dia dan pakain jaket itu ke Ara. Udaranya memang dingin, tapi Julian masih kuat untuk menahan dinginnya.

“Ihhh Bang, nanti kamu kedinginan.” Ara protes karna dia takut Julian kedinginan, meski dia tau Julian lumayan kuat nahan dingin.

“Enggak, masih bisa tahan kok. Kamu kan gak kuat, tuh bibirnya udah pucet. Pakai aja ya, baju aku lumayan tebal kok.”

“Beneran?”

“Iya sayangku.” Julian ngusap-usap kepala Ara, habis itu dia pergi lagi buat ngobrol sama tim yang bakalan mendaki bareng mereka.

Sementara Ara, masih duduk dan menghabiskan pecel yang ada di pangkuannya dengan jutaan kupu-kupu yang berterbangan liar di perutnya. Malamnya mereka membuat api unggun di depan tenda, Ara juga sudah mulai berbaur dengan para pendaki di sana. Dia bukan perempuan sendiri, ada 1 orang perempuan lain juga di sana. Umurnya hanya berbeda 2 tahun dengan Ara, ya seumuran Reno lah kira-kira.

“Berarti ini pendakian kedua Mbak dong ke Sumeru?” tanya gadis yang sekarang ini menjadi tim nya, nama Kanina.

“Iya bisa di bilang begitu sih, kalo kamu udah pernah naik ke mana aja?”

“Baru dua kali Mbak, yang pertama itu ke Gunung Gede via Putri. Agak berat sih menurutku karna masih pemula banget, tapi malah jadi ketagihan sampai mau-mau aja di ajak ke Sumeru.”

“Hebat, Suamiku juga udah pernah ke Gede.”

“Oh ya?!” Kanina jadi excited sendiri, oiya dia kayanya masih belum paham Ara ini siapa. Ya meski terbilang terkenal di dunia maya, gak semua orang tahu Ara kok. Walau kalau ada yang mengenalnya dia tetap saja senang. “Aku pikir Mas yang tinggi tadi itu pacarmu, Mbak.”

“Gak kelihatan udah menikah ya?” Ara terkekeh pelan.

“Iya gak kelihatan, pengantin baru ya Mbak?”

Ara mengangguk kecil, “baru satu tahun menikah.”

“Wah...” Kanina mengacungkan dua jempolnya, gadis ini beneran excited banget dari tadi. “Keren, udah menikah terus mendaki berdua. Kaya cita-citaku, tapi belum kesampaian.”

“Semoga nanti kesampaian ya,” Ara nepuk pundak Kanina.

“Aamiin, kapan-kapan kita naik bareng yuk, Mbak. Aku ada rencana habis naik Sumeru, mau ke Merbabu loh. Mbak mau ikut, mungkin tahun depan.”

“Nanti aku kabarin lagi ya.”

Setelah ngobrol kecil sama Kanina, Ara dan Julian memutuskan untuk masuk ke dalam tenda. Udara di luar semakin dingin menusuk hingga ke kulit, di dalam tenda meski belum mengantuk keduanya hanya berceloteh kecil saja sambil sesekali tangan keduanya menempel pada hot pack yang Julian bawa.

Posisi keduanya saling berhadapan, bedanya Ara tidur di dalam sleeping bag sedangkan Julian hanya memakai jaket outer layer dan selimut yang tidak terlalu tebal. Julian lumayan tahan dingin, mungkin karena sudah sering melakukan pendakian sehingga tubuhnya tidak lagi kaget dengan cuaca dingin.

“Sayang?” panggil Ara.

“Hm?”

“Waktu kita ketemu di toko buku buat pertama kalinya itu, kenapa akhirnya kamu milih buat ngasih buku nya ke aku? Padahal kan kamu juga butuh.” Ara ingat banget pertama kali dia ketemu Julian di toko buku, waktu itu dia lagi nyari buku dan kebetulan sisa stok buku di toko itu tinggal satu. Mereka hampir berebut dan pada akhirnya Julian mengalah, memberikan buku itu untuk Ara. Mereka belum kenal waktu itu dan Ara sempat mengira Julian bukan laki-laki seumurannya.

Julian terkekeh, Ara masih ingat kejadian itu ternyata, “karena tangan kamu duluan yang megang buku itu. Lucu ya kalo di ingat-ingat.”

Ara mengangguk, “tapi kamu dapat bukunya?”

“Dapat, tapi bekas. Aku cari di tukang buku bekas di Kwitang. Jauh lebih murah malahan.”

“Tapi kamu nyangka gak sih kita bakalan ketemu lagi di Bandung?” tangan Ara yang menggengam hot pack itu kini beralih menggenggam tangan Julian, tangan Julian enggak dingin. Tangan besar itu hangat, kayanya Ara ngerasa tangan Julian cukup untuk menjadi penghangat telapak tangannya.

“Enggak lah, lucu ya. Berawal dari di toko buku, terus kita jadi teman satu fakultas, teman kosan juga lagi.”

“Menurut kamu, kalo kita ketemunya lebih awal. Siapa yang bakalan jatuh cinta duluan?”

Julian senyum, dia sejujurnya jadi salah tingkah cuma masih bisa menutupinya. “Hmm..”

Cowok itu berdeham, keningnya berkerut dan netranya berpendar ke arah lain seolah ia tengah mencari jawaban. Membuat Istrinya itu terlihat penasaran dengan jawaban yang akan Julian berikan itu.

“Aku lah, tetap aku yang jatuh cinta duluan.”

“Kenapa emangnya?”

“Karena aku suka suara kamu waktu ngomong.” sederhana dan agak sedikit aneh memang, tapi itu sebuah kejujuran bagi Julian. Alasan kenapa Julian suka banget ngobrol sama Ara adalah karena suara wanita itu membuatnya tenang, celotehannya, cerita nya selalu membuat Julian penasaran seperti ia tengah di bacakan sebuah dongeng.

“Ih kok gitu,” Ara terkekeh. “Jadi awalnya kamu suka sama aku karena suaraku?”

“Suara salah satunya, tapi setelah kenal kamu lebih dekat. Aku suka sama kepribadian kamu, kamu perduli sama sekitar kamu, aku suka kamu yang manja, yang serius banget kalau lagi diskusi, yang sabar kalau lagi ngejelasin sesuatu, kamu yang keras kepala. Pokoknya apa yang ada sama kamu aku suka. Tapi aku paling suka kalau kamu lagi manja, karena aku suka banget manjain kamu.”

Dengar ucapan Julian bikin Ara tahu kalau Julian bukan hanya mencintai kelebihannya tetapi juga mencintai kekurangannya. Hubungan mereka gak bisa di bilang selalu sehat, tapi keduanya mau tumbuh bersama dan belajar bersama untuk menjadi lebih baik lagi. Dan tampaknya mereka telah melewati kedua fase itu.

“Kamu pasti pernah kuwalahan ya kalau keras kepalaku lagi kumat?”

“Ohh udah jelas itu sih,” Julian gak mau bohong soal ini, terkadang dia juga suka kehilangan kesabaran kalau Ara sedang mempertahankan ego nya. Tapi Julian tahu kalau wanitanya itu hanya butuh di dengar dulu kemudian di berikan pengertian. Ara memang keras tapi dia bukan wanita egois.

“Tapi kamu enggak sekeras itu, aku pikir kamu cuma butuh di dengar setelah itu di kasih pengertian dan sedikit waktu buat kamu mikir lagi.”

“Suamiku sabar banget sih, gemes.” Ara usap-usap pipi Julian.

“Tidur ya, besok subuh kita mulai pendakian kita. Walau mungkin enggak seberat pertama kali ke sini.”

“Jul?”

“Ya sayang?”

“Aku sayang kamu,” bisik Ara.

“Aku lebih sayang kamu.” kalau mereka sedang berada di rumah, mungkin Julian bakalan cium Ara entah itu bibir atau keningnya. Tapi ia ingat kalau mereka sedang berada di desa orang lain, berada di alam yang mana mereka harus menjaga adab dan ucapan.

Setelah mematikan lampu tenda, keduanya tidur. Ara tidur pulas sekali sementara Julian terkadang suka terbangun karena di luar hujan, dan sesekali ia harus memeriksa keadaan di luar tenda. Berjaga-jaga juga takut ada hewan yang masuk ke dalam tenda mereka.


Paginya, setelah melakukan doa bersama mereka mulai mendaki. Tim mereka yang beranggotakan enam orang, dengan Julian yang berada di paling belakang menjaga anggota yang lainnya, perjalanan awal-awal masih nampak landai meski sedikit licin karena semalam di guyur hujan.

Sesekali Julian mengawasi kanan kirinya, ia hanya takut jalanan yang landai itu tiba-tiba saja terkena longsor. Karena Mas Adi sempat memberi ultimatum jika mereka harus ekstra hati-hati karena Semeru pernah longsor hingga keberadaan pos 3 dan 4 harus berpindah.

Julian juga baru menyadari jika jalanan setapak menuju pos 1 pun lebih rimbun dari yang terakhir ia kunjungi, jalannya bahkan tertutup tanaman liar dan itu membuat Julian terkadang harus menyingkirkan ranting-ranting kecil berduri agar tidak mengenai tangan istrinya itu. Oiya, Ara berjalan di depan Julian.

Mereka berangkat dari desa Ranupani sekitar jam 9 pagi dan tiba di pos 1 jam 11:15 iya memang lebih lama karena jalanan benar-benar licin. Mereka sempat istirahat dulu di sana, sembari duduk Julian mastiin kalau Ara enggak kelelahan. Karena di perjalanan pun wanita itu lebih banyak diam.

“Capek gak sayang?” tanya Julian, pria itu membukakan botol air milik istrinya itu.

“Sedikit.”

“Beneran?”

Ara mengangguk, “um, Kamu minum dulu.”

“Nanti ya, aku mau ngecek yang lain dulu.” kebiasaan Julian sewaktu di MAPALA ia sering memeriksa keadaan anggota tim nya. Apalagi sewaktu pendakian terakhirnya ke Gunung Rinjani, karena waktu itu Julian lah yang paling senior disana.

Ngeliat Julian yang mastiin keadaan orang lain dulu dari pada dirinya sendiri, bikin Ara selalu kagum meski kadang hal itu juga yang membuatnya sedikit marah sama Julian. Ara tuh sering banget ngasih tahu Julian buat utamain dirinya sendiri dulu sebelum orang lain, Julian tuh sering banget ngalah. Dan kadang Ara enggak nyaman sama sifat Julian yang itu.

Mereka istirahat enggak begitu lama, hanya sekitar lima belas menit kemudian lanjut untuk berjalan kembali sampai di pos 2. Untung nya cuaca pagi itu cukup bersahabat, meski sedikit mendung tapi tidak hujan. Oiya di pos 1 itu masih ada beberapa warung yang buka kok, enggak seperti pertama kali Ara datang belum ada warung sama sekali.

Julian pun menyadari perubahan itu, bahkan Mas Adi bilang mereka gak perlu takut buat mandi dan buang air di Ranukumbolo karna di sana sudah ada kamar mandi, musholla dan basecamp untuk guide dan porter. Beda banget sama dulu waktu Ara pertama kali ke sana. Ya meskipun begitu, mereka masih tetap boleh kok ambil air dari danau meski peraturannya lebih ketat. Seperti tangan mereka enggak boleh tersentuh sama sekali ke air.

“Sayang, capek bilang ya,” ucap Julian di belakang Ara.

Ara senyum setelahnya dia menoleh ke belakang, masih sambil jalan di depan Julian. Waktu liat Julian senyumnya makin mereka, meski dingin karena mereka terus bergerak, keringat tetap muncul sedikit-sedikit dari kening Suaminya itu.

“Enggak capek kok.” Ara merogoh saku jaketnya, memberikan sapu tangan miliknya pada Julian. “Elap keringetnya, Bang. Nanti perih kalau masuk ke mata.”

“Duh, Suami istri yang di belakang manis banget sih,” gumam Kanina, perempuan itu berjalan tepat di depan Ara.

Ara yang mendengar itu jadi senyum-senyum sendiri, ia jadi mencubit siku Kanina karena salah tingkah. Iya meski sudah menikah kalau di godain kaya gitu tetap aja rasanya malu.

“Apasih kamu, nih,” gumam Ara malu-malu.

“Makanya cepetan nyusul, Nin. Elo sih kebanyakan PDKTan tapi gak jadi-jadian,” gumam teman laki-laki Kanina yang berjalan di paling depan sana.

“Ishhh apaan sih, gak gitu ya!”

“Eh udah-udah, jangan teriak-teriakan. Liat kedepan jalannya, hati-hati licin,” imbuh Julian menengahi.

Jika jalur dari pintu gerbang ke pos 1 itu termasuk jalur yang panjang walau landai, berbeda dengan jalur menuju pos 2. Jalur ini relatif pendek, buktinya saja di jam 12:40 mereka sudah tiba di pos 2. Di pos 2, karena kaki Kanina sedikit lecet akibat terkena duri dari tanaman liar. Mereka sempat beristirahat sebentar dan mengobati kaki Kanina dulu.

Ara yang mengobatinya, dari dulu dia itu paling sigap jika ada yang sakit seperti ini. Dulu saja waktu anak kosan berlibur ke Malang, Ara yang dipercaya buat megang obat-obatan dan mengurus teman-teman mereka yang sakit.

“Perih ya, Nin?” tanya Ara, luka di kaki Kanina itu ada di betis kanannya, bukan hanya tertusuk tanaman liar saja tapi bagian tumit kaki Kanina juga lecet karena mungkin sepatu yang ia pakai kurang nyaman.

“Perih dikit, Mbak. Tapi gapapa kok masih bisa tahan.”

“Masih kuat kan, Nin?” tanya Julian memastikan. Meski mereka mendaki bersama guide, Julian tetap memastikan anggota tim nya sendiri. Karena guide hanya memberikan petunjuk arah pada mereka.

“Masih kok, Mas. Gapapa masih bisa tahan.”

“Gapapa, Mas. Kawannya?” guide mereka ini namanya Mas Retno.

“Gapapa, Mas. Aman kok.”

Setelah istirahat sekitar sepuluh menit di pos 2 mereka melanjutkan perjalanan lagi, kali ini Julian yang memimpin di depan. Enggak depan banget sih karena masih ada Mas Retno guide mereka. Yang berada di paling depan sebagai penunjuk jalan, sesekali Julian menoleh ke belakang untuk memastikan istrinya itu baik-baik saja.

Jika perjalanan dari pos 1 dan 2 mereka masih bisa sedikit bersantai, berbeda dari jalur pos 2 ke pos 3 ini, mereka agak sedikit lelah, jalanan masih sangat licin karena hujan di tambah siang ini juga sedikit gerimis, jalanan benar-benar menurun hingga mereka tiba di Watu Rajeng nanti.

Dan disini lah yang membuat Ara benar-benar kagum sama Julian, pria itu enggak pernah melepaskan tanganya pada Ara ketika mereka turun. Tapi Julian juga enggak lupa buat memastikan anggota tim nya di belakang sana baik-baik saja, sedangkan Mas Retno agak sedikit sibuk menyingkirkan beberapa ranting pohon yang menghalangi jalan.

Setelah longsor beberapa waktu lalu, pendakian sempat di tutup. Semeru sempat tidak menerima tamu, makanya jalur menuju ke atas pun di penuhi oleh pohon-pohon.

“Di belakang aman kan?” Julian sedikit mengecangkan suaranya agar terdengar hingga ke belakang.

“Aman, Mas.” jawab yang lainnya.

“Jalan nya pelan-pelan ya licin.”

Mereka kembali melanjutkan perjalanan lagi, Ara sesekali menoleh ke kanan dan kirinya. Beberapa kali lengannya sempat terkena ranting, tapi untung saja ia memakai baju lengan panjang yang lumayan tebal. Tapi tetap saja ia harus tetap berhati-hati.

Mereka sudah sampai di Watu Rejang, dan sialnya hujan yang tadinya ringan itu berubah sedikit lebat. Julian dan anggota tim serta Mas Retno buru-buru memakai jas hujan mereka, angin juga sedikit bertiup lebih kencang. Julian agak sedikit khawatir, pasalnya, bibir Ara sudah sedikit pucat.

“Sayang, dingin ya? Mau turun?” tanya Julian memastikan Ara setelah ia selesai membantunya memakaikan jas hujan.

“Gapapa, Jul. Dingin sih, tapi masih bisa aku tahan kok.”

“Beneran?”

Ara mengangguk, “i'm fine.

“Setelah ini jalannya bakalan nanjak. Kalo kamu enggak kuat bilang ya.”

“Kalo bilang kamu bakalan gendong aku?”

“Iya, mau aku gendong?” Julian ngomong dengan nada serius nya, bukan hanya nada nya saja bahkan tatapannya berubah menjadi lebih serius. Ia benar-benar mengkhawatirkan istrinya itu. Dia jadi ngerasa enggak datang di waktu yang tepat karena hujan dan angin yang agak sedikit kencang.

“Gausah, aku masih kuat ih. Beneran kok, aku bakalan bilang ke kamu kalo aku enggak kuat atau ada yang aku rasain.”

Julian mengangguk pelan, setelah memastikan anggotanya sudah mengenakan jas hujan. Mereka melanjutkan perjalanan, di tengah hujan dan udara yang semakin dingin. Enggak boleh berhenti lama-lama, karena nanti tubuh mereka akan semakin kedinginan dan itu akan sangat rawan terkena hipotermia.

Pada jalan yang sedikit menanjak dan licin, Julian bantu Ara naik lebih dulu. Memastikan Istrinya itu sudah naik dengan aman barulah ia memastikan anggota tim nya juga naik dengan aman, untungnya dewi fortuna berpihak pada mereka. Meski jalanan licin dan hujan yang menerjang mereka akhirnya tiba di pos 3 di jam 15:20.

Di pos 3 mereka beristirahat lagi, nafas Ara sempat tersenggal karena jalanan begitu menanjak dan kembali turun. Rasanya kaya nafas dia pendek banget, dia duduk di kursi yang ada di pos 3 sambil megangin botol air minumnya. Julian tadi sedang memeriksa tim mereka yang sempat terjatuh karena licin, untung nya tidak apa-apa. Pergelangan kakinya hanya sedikit nyeri saja.

“Sayang? Kamu nyesek?” tanya Julian dengan nafas yang sedikit terengah-engah dan suara yang serak, beberapa air hujan jatuh ke wajahnya dari penutup kepala jas hujan yang ia pakai.

“Enggak, Jul. Capek aja, jalannya nanjak banget.” Ara nepuk kursi yang masih tersisa di sana, menyuruh Suaminya itu untuk duduk. Dan Julian menurutinya.

“Gapapa?” tanya Julian sekali lagi, dia takut Ara pura-pura kuat aja demi keinginanya ke Ranukumbolo itu tercapai.

“Yup, beneran gak nyesek kok. Cuma ngos-ngosan aja.”

“Basah gak bajunya?”

Ara menggeleng pelan, “enggak kok, baju kamu tuh yang basah karena tadi kamu pakai jas hujan telat kan, kamu bantuin aku dulu sih.”

Julian mengusap wajahnya dari air hujan yang menetes dari jas hujan nya, “nanti pas sampai Ranukumbolo aku ganti baju.”

“Nanti jalannya lebih hati-hati lagi ya, Mas, Mbak. Jalanan masih sangat licin, apalagi jalur pendakian juga semakin sempit karena terutup tanaman-tanaman liar, Mas Julian. Tolong di bantu ya sekalian anggota tim nya,” Mas Retno memperingati, mengingat setelah ini track mereka untuk sampai di Pos 4 hingga Ranukumbolo mungkin agak lebih berat dari pada perjalanan mereka menuju pos 3.

“Siap, Mas,” ucap Julian. Setelah itu dia kembali memeriksa Ara lagi, memegang tangan Istrinya itu. Memastikan jika Ara tidak kedinginan, dia beneran takut Ara hipotermia lagi.

“Kenapa?” tanya Ara.

“Dingin gak?”

Ara mengangguk, “tapi aku agak keringetan kayanya. Masih bisa tahan kok.”

“Aku jagain kamu dari belakang lagi nanti ya, sampai di Ranukumbolo. Aku bikinin kamu coklat panas.”

Ara senyum, Julian yang pertama kali ia kenal dan Julian yang sekarang menjadi Suaminya itu enggak pernah berubah sama sekali. Kalau pun Julian berubah, ia berubah menjadi lebih baik dan lebih dewasa.

“Iya, Jul.”

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Setelah istirahat beberapa menit di pos 3 mereka melanjutkan perjalanan lagi ke pos 4, sebentar lagi mereka akan sampai di Ranukumbolo. Tapi sayangnya, perjalanan menuju pos 4 pun hampir sama melelahkannya dengan berjalan ke pos 3. Jalanan setapak yang rimbun, jalanan menanjak yang licin dan berbatu.

Ara sempat meminta berhenti sebentar karena ia tampaknya kuwalahan, untungnya anggota tim nya yang lain mengerti dan mereka istirahat sebentar di jalan. Julian coba periksa kondisi Ara, dia kasih minum istrinya dulu dan mastiin Ara masih kuat jalan atau tidak. Dia gak masalah harus bayar porter buat bawa carier mereka demi ia bisa menggendong Ara hingga Ranukumbolo.

“Masih capek gak sayang? Aku gendong aja ya?” tanya Julian, dia nutup botol minum yang bekas di minum sama Ara. Dia ambil sapu tangan yang Ara kasih buat elap keringatnya tadi, dan dia pakai sapu tangan itu buat elap keringat istrinya.

Dalam nafasnya yang rasanya tersengal, Ara senyum samar. Dia masih kuat, dia cuma kelelahan aja, dia haus sebenarnya. “Masih kok, Jul. Aku baik-baik aja, cuma butuh istirahat sebentar aja.”

“Yakin?”

Ara mengangguk, dia ambil botol minum nya dan minum sekali lagi. Setelah itu Ara juga sempat memakai inhaler miliknya, cuacanya cukup dingin dan cuaca seperti ini rawan sekali menjadi pemicu asma nya kambuh.

“Istrinya gapapa, Mas?” tanya anggota tim nya Julian. Cowok, temannya Kanina juga namanya Pandu.

“Gapapa kok, cuma butuh istirahat sebentar.”

“Mas, Semeru waktu itu sempat erupsi lagi ya? Makanya sempat di tutup buat umum?” tanya Kanina, dia sempat baca berita kalau Semeru sempat erupsi beberapa tahun yang lalu.

“Iya, Mbak. Setelah itu malah sempat longsor. Mbak dan Mas-Mas ini bisa di bilang tamu pertama di Sumeru setelah bencana kemarin. Makanya jalan setapak masih rimbun dan pos 3 dan 4 sempat pindah,” jelas Mas Retno.

“Spesial banget berarti kita ya!” celetuk Pandu.

“Berarti di atas cuma ada berapa tenda, Mas?”

“Hanya ada 3 kurang lebih. Saya juga baru ke atas lagi.”

Julian awalnya menyimak obrolan ringan itu, tapi kemudian tangannya bergerak mengusap kepala Ara, Julian kemudian berjongkok. Dia baru ingat kalau Ara lepas sarung tangannya karena basah, dia gak mau Ara kedinginan. Jadi, Julian buka carier miliknya dan ambil sarung tangan miliknya.

“Sarung tangan kamu basah ya? Pakai punya aku aja ya sayang, gapapa kebesaran dikit ya, dari pada kedinginan,” Julian jongkok di depan Ara, dan memasangkan sarung tangan itu ke tangan istrinya.

“Kamu gimana?” Ara bukan memikirkan dirinya sendiri, dia memikirkan Julian juga.

“Aku gak kedinginan, aku gerah.” Julian jujur kok, dia memang gerah. Jalanan menanjak memaksanya mengeluarkan tenaga ekstra sampai-sampai Julian yang jarang keringetan itu jadi keringetan banyak.

“Kamu udah minum, Jul?”

“Udah sayangku.”

“Bisa kita mulai perjalanananya lagi, Mas, Mbak? Biar enggak sampai gelap kita sudah mendirikan tenda di Ranukumbolo,” tanya Mas Retno memastikan. Beliau benar, mereka gabisa beristirahat terlalu lama, nanti hari semakin gelap.

“Sudah, Mas,” jawab Ara, dia berdiri tapi kemudian dia sedikit kaget karena Julian mengambil alih carrier yang ada di punggungnya.

“Jul, berat. Aku masih bisa bawa kok.”

“Aku aja sayang, di depan jalur nya lebih menanjak lagi, kamu cukup fokus sama jalanan aja ya. Aku gak keberatan kalo cuma bawa 2 carrier.”

“Beneran?”

Julian senyum, kemudian mengusap pucuk kepala Ara. “Yuk, jalan lagi. Sebentar lagi kita sampai di surga nya Gunung Semeru.”

Mendengar itu Ara jadi terkekeh dia jadi ingat potongan adegan di film yang di rilis 2012 lalu. “Kamu Julian apa Genta sih?”

“Aku Julian suami kamu!”

“Ish keju bangetl!!” Ara mukul lengan Julian gemas dan kemudian melangkah jalan lebih dulu.

Julian yang di pukul gitu cuma cengengesan aja kaya biasanya, mereka kembali lagi berjalan. Kali ini lebih konsentrasi dari pada yang barusan, jalanan benar-benar sedikit sempit dan rimbun tertutup tanaman. Di atas kepala mereka ada beberapa burung yang hinggap kemudian terbang, udaranya masih sangat bersih.

Ara beberapa kali menghirup udara lalu menghembuskannya, benar-benar cocok untuk healing ketika kembali menanjak, Ara di bantu oleh anggota yang lain. Julian gak bisa bantu banyak karena dia bawa dua carrier dan harus menjaga keseimbangannya, yang lain juga bantuin Julian kok.

“Sayang liat ke kiri deh,” ucap Julian, agak sedikit ngos-ngosan.

Ara gak jawab pertanyaan Julian, dia berhenti sebentar dan lihat ke sisi kirinya. Ternyata Ranukumbolo sudah terlihat dari atas, itu artinya sedikit lagi mereka akan segera sampai di pos 4 kemudian berjalan sedikit lagi dan sampai di Ranukumbolo.

“Indah banget yah, Jul.”

Julian mengangguk samar, ia kemudian menggandeng tangan Ara dan mereka kembali berjalan lagi. Mereka tiba di pos 4, hanya istirahat sebentar saja untuk minum, lalu cepat-cepat berjalan lagi hingga akhirnya sampai di Ranukumbolo. Meski mereka sampai di jam 5 sore, cuaca agak sedikit mendung dan langit mulai gelap. Jadi Julian buru-buru mendirikan tenda.

Selama Julian diriin tenda, Ara memutuskan untuk memasak air. Perutnya lapar dan ia sedikit kedinginan, ia mau membuat teh hangat atau coklat panas. Sekalian bikin mie instan juga karena tadi Julian mengeluh lapar.

“Kamu tuh ketemu suamimu dimana, Mbak?” tanya Kanina saat mereka berdua sedang memasak mie instan.

Ara terkekeh pelan, “di toko buku, Na.”

“Hah, serius?” Kanina memekik, baginya itu klise sekali. Seperti adegan drama. “Masa sih, Mbak?”

“Iya serius, terus kita ketemu lagi di kampus. Dia teman kampusku, satu fakultas, satu jurusan, satu kosan juga.”

“Manisnya...” Kanina mengerucutkan bibirnya. “Mbak mau tau gak?” bisiknya pada Ara.

“Apa?”

“Aku sebenarnya naksir sama Pandu tau, tapi dia mah gak peka. Terus kita juga temenan udah lama, jadi bingung mau bedain dia suka juga sama aku atau gak.” Kanina melihat ke arah Pandu yang sedang sibuk mendirikan tenda sama Julian, tadi tendanya Pandu sudah berdiri lebih dulu. Tapi karena tertiup angin ada bagian yang lepas dan Julian membantunya.

“Oh ya? Pandunya jomblo gak?”

“Ya jomblo lah, Mbak. Apa aku gas aja ya? Aku confess disini, biar kalo orang-orang tanya. Eh lu sama Pandu jadian dimana? Di Ranukumbolo, keren kan?” Kanina terkekeh sendiri, dia ini tipe perempuan yang ceria banget.

“Boleh tuh, kalau kamu berani sana confess sama dia gih. Udah temenan lama juga kan? Harusnya gausah malu lagi.”

“Malu, Mbak. ntar dia ngira aku lagi ngeguyon lagi.”

“Ck,” Ara berdecak. “Makanya kamu ngomongnya jangan sambil ketawa ketiwi.”

“Harus serius gitu?” Kanina mengerutkan keningnya.

“Tunggu moment yang pas.”

“Kapan tuh?”

“Nanti malam mungkin? Atau besok pagi, pas kalian ada waktu berdua. Atau kamu bisa ajak dia ke Tanjakan Cinta berdua. Gak jauh dari sini kan.”

“Ah masa cewek sih yang ngajak, Mbak.” Kanina putus asa, dia gak ngerasa harga dirinya terlukai kok. Cuma agak gengsi dan sedikit malu aja.

“Katanya udah naksir berat, nanti keburu Pandu jadian sama yang lain loh.”

“Ah jangan ihhh!!” rengek Kanina.

“Makanya di omongin,” Ara ngangkat mie instan miliknya yang sudah matang lebih dulu, dia juga buatkan teh hangat buat Julian. Suaminya itu sedang ganti baju sekarang, Julian pasti kedinginan.

Sementara itu Kanina di dekat api unggun seperti sedang menimang-nimang saran dari Ara, sampai Ara pamit untuk masuk ke tenda nya pun. Perempuan itu cuma mengagguk kecil saja, di dalam tenda, Ara sempat ambil kamera nya. Dia foto suasana Ranukumbolo menjelang malam, masih kelihatan kok. Ada cahaya dari dalam tenda mereka dan juga cahaya dari api unggun.

“Udah jadi sayang mie nya?” Julian masuk ke dalam tenda sembari menggosok-gosokan tanganya.

“Udah, punya kamu yang gak pake bawang.” Ara kasihin mangkuk mie milik Julian.

“Asikkk..”

“Besok pagi, kita ke Tanjakan Cinta yuk, Bang. Aku mau foto-foto di sana, sekalian di Oro-Oro Lombo sembelum kita turun.”

“Iya sayangku,” Julian senyum, habis itu dia makan mie instan buatan istrinya itu.


Malamnya mereka berdua enggak langsung tidur, Julian sempat ngobrol-ngobrol sebentar sama cowok-cowok lain yang juga ngecamp disana. Habis itu baru dia masuk ke dalam tenda, Ara belum tidur. Dia masih liatin video-video yang dia rekam hari itu.

“Tidur, sayang.”

“Aku nungguin kamu.” Ara nyimpan kamera miliknya, kemudian masuk ke dalam sleeping bag miliknya.

Julian juga sudah mengambil posisi untuk tidur setelah ia menutup tenda mereka, cuacanya semakin dingin. Tapi tenang, bahkan Ara merasakan ketenangan luar biasa di sini. Pantas saja, Julian suka sekali mendaki. Mungkin cara itu ia mendapatkan ketenangan.

“Kayanya aku bisa tau sekarang, kenapa suami aku ini suka banget mendaki.” Ara senyum, dia usap-usap hidung mancung Julian pakai telunjuknya.

Julian senyum, “kamu juga ngerasain hal yang sama kan? Bukan cuma indah, tapi tenang. Kamu tau gak sayang? Naik gunung itu sama aja kaya perjalanan hidup manusia tau.”

“Maksudnya?” Ara mengerutkan keningnya.

“Iya, kamu bayangin kita naik ke sini enggak mudah, kena badai, jalanan licin, nanjak, turun. Itu kaya hidup tau, badai itu kaya cobaan, ada kalanya kita jalan di nanjak, nanjak dan sampai di atasnya itu ibarat kita lagi di kasih kebahagiaan, terus waktu jalan menurun itu kaya ibaratnya kita lagi ada di titik rendah, tapi habis itu kita nanjak lagi dan sampai buat liat hal-hal indah,” Julian jelasin filosofi pendakian menurutnya.

“Iya juga ya, kamu nih emang suka banget sih meromantisasi segala hal.” Ara terkekeh, “Jul?”

“Hm?”

“Andai kamu enggak trauma sama naik pesawat, apa kamu bakalan wujudin cita-cita kamu buat jadi pilot?” sebenarnya Ara udah lama banget mau ngomong kaya gini, tapi dia tahan. Takut pertanyaan ini jadi hal sensitif buat Julian, tapi kali ini dia ngerasa Julian udah bisa berdamai sama dirinya dari kehilangan Bapaknya.

“Kayanya enggak, Sayang.”

“Kenapa?”

“Kalau jadi pilot nanti aku gak ketemu kamu gimana?”

Ara terkekeh, “apasih gombal mulu ih.”

“Loh beneran aku ini, nanti aku keseringan terbang kaya burung terus gak ketemu kamu. Istri kaya kamu gini kan gak ada di keranjang kuning.”

Ara yang denger gitu langsung nabok lengan Julian sambil ketawa, “apasih makin gak jelas ih, emangnya aku barang apa!”

“Dunia dan seisinya aku obrak abrik kalo gak sama kamu kayanya.”

“Lebay ih.” walau bilang lebay gini Ara tetap aja salting, dia yakin kalo teman-temannya yang lain dengar Julian ngomong gini pasti mereka semua udah muntah berjamaah.

“Penawaran premium dari aku cuma kamu yang dapat tau, Sayang.”

“Penawaran apa lagi?” Ara muter bola matanya malas, tapi tetap aja senyum salah tingkah.

“Penawaran buat jadi istri aku lah.”

“Julian stop ahhh kamu keju banget tau gak.”

Paginya, Julian dan Ara sempat merekam mini vlog dulu suasana di Ranukumbolo, setelah matahari agak sedikit naik barulah keduanya berjalan-jalan ke Oro-Oro Lombo dan juga Tanjakan Cinta. Julian juga fotoin Ara di sana, mereka beruntung banget hari itu karena cuaca nya sedang mendukung.

Udara dingin masih menyelimuti Semeru hari itu, tapi mataharinya cerah angin nya juga berhembus sejuk. Siang nanti mereka harus segera turun, Julian dan Ara sudah booking penginapan. Mereka akan melanjutkan pendakian ke Gunung Lawu.

Kalau ada yang bertanya apakah Julian dan Ara sedang melakukan pelarian? Jawabanya, enggak. Mereka cuma menunggu, mereka sudah berdamai dan memanfaatkan waktu yang di berikan untuk pergi ke banyak temapat-tempat indah. Julian bilang, dia mau suatu hari perjalanan yang di lakukan oleh mereka bisa menjadi sebuah cerita yang bakalan dia ceritakan ke anak-anak mereka nanti.

Mereka benar-benar menjalankan rencana nya, jeda beberapa bulan saja. Julian kembali mengajak Ara untuk mendaki kembali, mereka ke Gunung Gede, Papandayan dan Merbabu. Yup, mungkin cuma sampai situ dulu. Karena perjalanan mereka ke Rinjani tertunda mungkin untuk waktu yang cukup lama.

Pagi itu Julian mundar mandir di depan kamar mandi kamarnya dan Ara, dia menunggu istrinya itu keluar dari sana. Namun tampaknya Ara masih betah berlama-lama di dalam.

“Sayang, cepetan dong. Aku udah kebelet banget ini udah di ujung!” keluh Julian, keringat sudah bercucuran di keningnya. Sesuatu yang mendesak ingin segera di keluarkan. Kebiasaan Julian di pagi hari, sebenarnya bisa saja sih dia pakai kamar mandi di ruang tamu, tapi sayangnya Julian lebih nyaman buat pakai kamar mandi di kamar mereka.

Ara membuka pintu kamar mandi, wajahnya sembab dan ia tertunduk sambil kedua tanganya menyembunyikan sesuatu di belakang punggungnya.

“Kamu kenapa?” tanya Julian sedikit panik, ajaib nya rasa mulas mendesak tadi begitu saja lenyap entah kemana begitu liat Ara menangis.

“Jul, kayanya aku muntah-muntah bukan karena gerd ku kumat deh.”

“Kenapa? Kamu gak usus buntu lagi kan, sayang?”

Ara menggeleng, ia mengeluarkan 3 testpack yang baru saja ia gunakan. Tiga-tiga nya menunjukan garis dua, yup. Penantian mereka untuk memiliki anak setelah 2 tahun pernikahan akhirnya terjawab.

“Sayang...” Julian gak bisa melanjutkan kata-katanya, matanya berkaca-kaca penuh haru sekaligus tidak menyangka. “Sayang, kamu hamil?”

Ara mengangguk, dan tangis keduanya pecah begitu saja. Julian meluk Ara erat sambil dia ciumin pucuk kepalanya, dia bersyukur banget, bahagia banget dan berterima kasih banget sama istrinya itu.

“Kita bakalan di panggil Ayah Bunda, sayang,” ucap Julian di sela-sela isaknya.

“Iya tapi kamu jangan nangis aku jadi ikutan nangis..”

“Aku nangis karena kamu duluan nangis—” saking bahagia nya Julian nangis sampai enggak mau lepasin pelukan Ara, dia bahkan lupa kalau dia tadi mau buang air besar.

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Beberapa tahun kemudian

Julian berkali-kali menghela nafasnya ketika mobil yang ia kendarai sampai di parkiran gedung SMA di sebuah SMA Negeri di Bandung, hari ini dia sibuk. Tapi wali kelas Abi menelfonya meminta Julian untuk datang ke sekolah. Tadinya Ara yang mau datang, tapi ternyata Ara gak bisa datang karena harus bertemu dengan klien nya.

Langkah kaki yang ia pijaki besar-besar itu mengantarnya ke ruang Bimbingan Konseling, di sana ada wali kelas Abi dan juga guru BK SMA itu yang rasanya sudah sering Julian temui. Yup, apalagi kalau bukan Abi bikin ulah di sekolahnya.

“Silahkan duduk Pak Julian,” ucap wali kelas Abi, namanya Buk Saski.

Julian duduk di sofa ruang bimbingan konseling itu, di sebrangnya ada Abi dengan wajah babak belurnya dan satu orang anak laki-laki seusia dengannya. Yup, tentunya sama babak belurnya seperti Abi. Tanpa wali kelasnya menjelaskan kayanya Julian udah tahu apa yang di buat oleh anaknya itu.

“Ada apa ya, Buk? Abi buat ulah lagi ya?” Tanya Julian.

Wali kelas Abi itu meringis, “begini, Pak. Ya memang benar Abi buat ulah lagi. Biasa, Pak. Dia berantem sama teman sekelasnya lagi, kayanya emang anak Bapak ini minat menjadi atlet tinju deh.”

Buk Saski bergurau, beliau sudah lelah sebagai wali kelas menangani Abi yang selalu keluar masuk ruangan BK. Bukan cuma berantem sih, Abi itu kelakuannya kadang nyeleneh. Kaya dia suka main bola di lapangan pakai kemeja sekolahnya sampai keringetan banget, padahal bukan jam olahraganya.

Kemudian suka ketiduran di kelas, makan di kelas, sampai berantem sama kakak kelasnya karena Abi bilang dia lihat Kakak kelasnya itu malak anak kelas sepuluh. Oiya, Abi sudah kelas sebelas. Wajahnya mirip sama Julian. Rahangnya sama-sama tegas, matanya sipit, kulitnya tan. Pokoknya gak ada satu inci pun yang Abi lupakan dari Ayahnya itu. Parasnya kaya nunjukin 'aku ini anak Ayah banget loh.'

Meski kedengarannya slengekan, Abi itu masuk ke dalam jajaran siswa berprestasi di sekolahnya dalam bidang akademik dan non akademik. Jadi dia bukan cuma nyeleneh-nyeleneh tanpa bawa kebanggan buat orang tua nya kok.

“Kayanya Abi ini emang lebih baik di pindahkan ke sekolah atlet aja deh, Pak. Anak Bapak tuh udah mukulin anak saya, atau emang cita-citanya mau jadi preman,” cerocos orang tua dari anak laki-laki yang berdiri di sebelah Abi.

“Ibu yang harusnya bisa ngajarin anak Ibu buat menghargai perempuan!” sela Abi, sedari tadi dia terus di hakimi. Di katain jagoan lah, preman lah tapi Abi cuma diam. Dia ngerasa yang dia lakuin emang salah, tapi disisi lain Abi juga ngerasa teman yang ia pukul pantas mendapatkan pukulan itu.

“Abi..” Julian memperingati, beruntungnya Abi diam. Dia sangat amat menghormati Ayah dan Bunda nya. “Ini sebenarnya ada apa ya, Buk? Dari tadi saya cuma dengar Abi di salahkan aja tanpa saya tau apa masalah sebenarnya.”

Buk Saski menggaruk belakang kepalanya yang sebenarnya tidak gatal itu, ia merasa terhimpit. Tidak enak karena anak yang Abi pukul itu adalah anak dari donatur di sekolah. Tapi disisi lain kedua orang tua Abi adalah wali murid yang baik dan keduanya sangat-sangat di hormati di sekolah.

“Jadi begini, Pak. Abi memukul Rama karena menurut Abi, Rama ini tidak menghargai perempuan.”

“Maksudnya?” Julian mengerutkan keningnya bingung.

“Rama bukan lagi enggak menghormati perempuan, Buk. Rama itu ngelecehin Kalula,” jelas Abi. Anak laki-laki di sebelahnya itu menggertakan rahangnya pada Abi.

“Tapi Abi nyerang saya duluan, Buk.”

“Iya itu karena elo pantes dapetinnya mulut sama isi kepala lo tuh harus di hajar biar sadar!!”

“Eh!! Sudah-sudah!!” Buk Saski menengahi. “Kalian ini ribut terus.”

Julian hanya bisa memijat pelipisnya yang terasa sudah semakin pening itu, dia paham anaknya bukan sok jagoan. Abi gak gak akan mukul duluan kalau orang itu enggak keterlaluan, Abi memang sering berantem tapi itu juga bukan tanpa alasan. Bukan semata-mata karena anak laki-laki sulungnya itu merasa pandai bela diri.

Abi berantem itu untuk membela dirinya, untuk membela orang lain. Walau kadang hal itu suka di salah artikan oleh orang lain, Julian sama Ara itu bukan tipe orang tua yang menghakimi. Mereka akan dengarkan penjelasan Abi dulu baru setelahnya menasihatinya.

“Begini saja, saya minta Abi minta maaf ke Rama!” ucap orang tua Rama.

“Anak Ibu juga harus minta maaf sama Kalula kalau begitu,” ucap Julian pada akhirnya. Dia dari tadi sudah cukup diam.

“Memang Kalula di apain sih sama Rama? Di lecehin seperti apa? Di pegang-pegang? Mungkin mereka cuma bercandaan aja, Pak. Anak Bapak aja yang sensitif.”

“Ibu ini wanita juga kan? Harusnya Ibu bisa menghargai sesama wanita, pelecehan itu bukan hanya tentang fisik aja, Buk. saya tahu Ibu bela anak Ibu. Tapi Rama juga salah, kayanya saya rasa bukan cuma Rama yang harus di ajari menghargai orang lain terutama perempuan. Tapi Ibu nya juga.”

Di tempatnya Abi tersenyum samar, dia tahu Ayahnya akan membela nya. Oh bukan hanya itu, hari ini Abi bangga karena Ayah juga menegur orang tua nya Rama ini dengan cara yang paling keren.

“Saya akan menyuruh Abi minta maaf ke Rama, setelah Rama minta maaf ke Kalula,” ucap Julian pada akhirnya.

Pertemuan antar orang tua murid itu bikin kepala Julian sedikit pening. Setelah menjemput Abi, kedua nya pulang ke rumah. Tadinya Abi akan di beri hukuman skorsing, namun Julian meminta banding. Ia akan setuju Abi di skorsing kalau Rama juga di skorsing. Sementara itu orang tua Rama dan Rama sendiri bersikukuh tidak ingin minta maaf dengan Kalula.

Oiya, Julian sudah tahu siapa Kalula. Abi memang suka banget curhat sama Ayahnya, apapun itu di sekolah. Termasuk tentang percintaanya dengan Kalula.

“Maafin, Mas ya, Yah.” Abi menunduk, namun tidak lama kemudian dia melirik Ayahnya itu.

“Iya gapapa, Mas. Memang apa yang di bilang Rama sih sampai kamu marah banget?” Julian menoleh ke arah anaknya itu, di depan sedang lampu merah kebetulan. Julian juga memperhatikan jika lebam di wajah putra nya itu tidak cukup parah meski keningnya berdarah.

“Rama marah sama Abi karena akhir-akhir ini Abi jarang ngumpul sama anak-anak, dia bilang semenjak Abi pacaran sama Kalula. Abi jadi kaya bencong, Abi gak masalah di katain kaya gitu. Dia anggap Abi kaya bencong karena nurut sama Kalula, dia bilang Abi tunduk banget ke Kalula karena udah berhasil nidurin dia, bajingan banget kan Yah kata-katanya,” jelas Abi yang bikin darah di dalam tubuh Julian mendidih. Pantas saja Abi memukulnya, ya walau itu tidak bisa di jadikan pembenaran juga sih.

“Pantesan aja anaknya kaya gitu, Ibu nya juga suka ngerendahin perempuan.” Julian geleng-geleng kepalanya heran.

Sampai di rumah, Julian pikir Ara belum pulang ternyata istrinya itu udah di rumah, kayanya Ara baru saja sampai juga deh. Soalnya istrinya itu juga belum berganti pakaian. Masih dengan kemeja tadi pagi saat ia bekerja, begitu lihat Suami dan anaknya itu pulang. Ara cuma bisa menghela nafas waktu sadar wajah Abi itu babak belur.

Sebenarnya dia gak kaget, bukan pemandangan aneh tapi tetap saja kadang ada rasa kesal sekaligus khawatir pada Ara. Walau pun tiap kali Abi babak belur kaya gini anak sulungnya itu cuma cengengesan, seolah-olah itu bukanlah perkara yang serius. Persis Ayahnya waktu masih muda, pikir Ara.

“Kenapa lagi mukanya, Mas? Ck ck ck,” Ara geleng-geleng kepala. Dia hampiri anaknya itu dan pegang dagu Abi, dia telisiki luka-luka serta lebam di wajahnya itu.

“Kamu tuh kalau dalam satu bulan gak babak belur gak bisa apa, Mas?” Tanya Ara.

“Mau nya juga gitu, Bun. Tapi gimana ada aja yang bikin kesal.” Abi cengengesan, habis itu dia peluk Bunda nya, Abi kalau di rumah tuh clingy banget persis Julian. Bahkan Aleena aja yang perempuan gak semanja itu.

“Ayah aja heran slengekan gitu mirip siapa, Bun.” Julian menghela nafasnya pelan, kadang dia heran sama Abi. Kalau anak itu meniru dirinya dalam hal bela diri mungkin iya, tapi sifat nyeleneh Abi ini gatau mirip siapa.

“Ya Ayah lah, masa Abi mirip Papa nya Raja kan gak mungkin,” jawab Ara ketus dan Abi yang menyaksikan itu cuma nahan tawa.

Oiya nama anak Julian dan Ara yang kedua itu Aleena Askara Kenandra, kadang-kadang Julian suka manggil putri nya itu dengan nama Ara soalnya sifatnya mirip banget kaya Ara, tukang ngambek dan kalau ngambek tuh suka banget ngehentak-hentakin kaki.

“Tolong ambilin kotak P3K nya, Yah. Bunda mau obatin muka nya Mas Abi dulu.” Ara minta tolong ke Julian, kebetulan Suaminya itu lagi berdiri di dekat kotak obat yang di gantung di dekat meja makan.

Julian ambilin kotak obatnya itu dan kasih ke istrinya, dia duduk di sofa sambil meriksa surel miliknya. Ya kadang-kadang Julian juga suka liatin Istrinya itu ngobatin lebam di muka anak mereka.

“Duduk kamu, Mas.”

“Bun, pelan-pelan tapi ya, Bun.” rengek Abi. Padahal mulai di obatin juga belum.

“Enggak, mau bunda siksa aja kamu,” jawab Ara ketus, dia cuma bercanda kok. Sebelum obatin muka anaknya itu Ara cuci tanganya dulu. Dia habis dari luar, habis nyetir takut ada bakteri di tanganya yang bisa saja berpindah ke luka di wajah Abi.

Assalamualaikum!! Bundaaaaa!!” pekik suara anak perempuan dari depan, itu Aleena. Anak itu beda 3 tahun dengan Abi, Aleena sekarang kelas 8.

waalaikumsallam, cantiknya Ayah.”

“*waalaikumsallam,” ucap Ara.

“Ih, Mas Abi berantem lagi!!” pekik Aleena, dia pegang lebam di wajah kakak laki-lakinya itu sampai Abi meringis.

“Aaaaghhh sakit, Ra!” pekik Abi.

“Bundaaaaa masa Mas Abi manggil Ara-Ara aja nih gak sopan!”

“Heh, Mas manggil kamu tau bukan Bunda. Nama kamu kan Askara.”

Aleena yang melihat kakaknya itu kesal cuma ketawa-tawa aja, Ara cuma bisa geleng-geleng kepala. Setelah itu Aleena duduk di samping Julian, buka sepatu yang ia pakai kemudian buka jaket yang ia pakai sebagai luaran untuk menutupi seragam sekolahnya.

“Hari ini Ara gak latihan padus ya, sayang?” tanya Julian.

“Enggak, Yah. Miss nya lagi ada urusan. Oiya yah, nanti Ayah sama Bunda jadi kan datang ke pentas nya Ara?” anak perempuan yang wajahnya menyerupai Ara istrinya itu menatap Julian, sungguh. Kalau lihat anak perempuannya itu dia kaya lihat Ara versi kecil, bawelnya, ngerajuknya, manja nya, ngambeknya semua dia copy dari Bunda nya.

“Iyalah jadi, masa enggak jadi sih.”

“Aduh duhhh Bund sakit Bund,” rengek Abi sembari meringis.

Bunda nya itu cuma bisa mengehela nafasnya pelan, “kalau sakit makanya gausah berantem-berantem, kamu tuh kenapa berantem lagi, Mas?”

“Ayah gak dukung cara kamu belain Kalula, Mas. Tapi menurut Ayah, Rama ini memang harus di kasih pelajaran supaya dia bisa menghargai perempuan. Biar enggak kebiasaan mulutnya.”

“kenapa sih, Yah?” Ara menoleh ke arah suaminya itu.

“Mas mukul Rama karena Rama rendahin perempuan, Bun. Mas emang belain Kalula, tapi kayanya kalau Mas dengar orang lain ngomong kaya gitu Mas juga akan tetap marah,” jelas Abi.

“Emangnya Rama bicara apa, Mas?” Ara memang gak suka liat Abi berantem terus, Julian memang membekalinya ilmu bela diri tapi bukan untuk dia jadikan anak itu kasar. Tapi Ara selalu mau dengar apa alasan Abi berantem dia gak mau menghakimi anaknya dulu.

“Rama bilang, Mas terlalu nurut sama Kalula, dia bilang Mas udah nidurin Kalula. Gak sopan banget kan, Bun?”

Ara menghela nafasnya pelan, “Bunda paham, tapi Mas juga harus bisa kontrol emosi ya? Ayah bekali kamu bela diri bukan buat bikin kamu jadi jagoan.”

“Maaf ya, Bun.” Abi natap kedua mata Bunda nya itu. Bikin Ara tersenyum, biarpun Abi sudah remaja. Di matanya bocah itu tetap anak sulungnya yang manja.

“Iyaa”

Malam nya Julian sama Ara tuh biasanya suka ngobrol-ngobrol di balkon kamar mereka, kadang kalau ingat beberapa tahun lalu dia masih suka gak nyangka bisa sampai di titik ini. Kaya rasanya semua berjalan cepat sekali, ia lulus kuliah, menikah, punya anak dan sekarang anak-anak mereka sudah besar.

Oiya, anak-anak dari teman-teman mereka juga sudah besar. Abi dan Aleena itu bisa di bilang masuk ke golongan yang termuda. Anak-anak mereka juga dekat, mereka tumbuh bersama bahkan di sekolah yang sama. Kalau ngumpul pun jadi tambah rame, kosan Abah bukan lagi jadi base camp tempat Ara, Julian, Gita, Arial, Janu, Chaka, Kevin dan pasangan mereka berkumpul. Kosan itu jadi tempat berkumpul anak-anak mereka juga.

“Nyangka gak sih, Bun. Kita bisa ada di titik ini?” tanya Julian setelah ia menyeruput teh miliknya.

“Nyangka kok, cuma gak nyangka nya bakalan secepat ini aja. Padahal kayanya kemarin kita baru nikah ya? Terus aku uring-uringan karena gak hamil-hamil.”

“Terus kita jadi Dora,” celetuk Julian asal-asalan.

“Kamu monyet nya ya berarti?” Ara terkekeh pelan.

“Enak aja, yaudah deh jangan Dora. Kita Jejak Si Gundul aja.”

Ara kembali terkekeh, “bulan depan pas liburan sekolah kamu jadi ajak Abi ke Rinjani?”

“Jadi lah, Raja juga mau ikut katanya.”

“Kok bisa?” Ara agak kaget.

“Abi yang ngajak. Gapapa lah, buat pengalaman mereka.”

Masih ingat soal jeda perjalanan pendakian Ara dan Julian? Mereka berencana ke Rinjani berdua, tapi justru rencana itu belum terleksana sampai saat ini. Dan Julian justru akan kembali ke sana bersama dengan Abi, yup. Abi punya hobi yang sama kaya Julian. Si sulung itu terlalu meniru Ayahnya.

Mungkin perjalanan mereka gak akan terus berjalan mulus, sama kaya kata Julian kalau hidup ini rasanya seperti ia sedang mendaki. Tapi selama mereka saling memiliki satu sama lain, Julian yakin mereka akan tiba di puncak dengan selamat.

Selesai

 
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from aerkiaga's blog

Not much to tell about this recent week. Not because I might've been lying around all day doing nothing, but simply because I've focused more on personal tasks and things I had already talked about in previous posts. I've exercised a lot, dedicated much time to learning French and improved my score quite impressively in driving tests. I also type faster (26 WPM) on the CC2.

The date on which we'll be called to choose a medical specialty and hospital has also been revealed: May 5 in my case.

 
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from elilla & friends’ very occasional blog thing

My lesbian experience with topping without testosterone

Content warnings for this one: Text addressed at transfeminine folk; explicit discussion of sex and kink, including sexual experiences, intended as informative rather than erotic but rich in detail; discussion of HRT, surgeries, genitals, gender feelings; reports of a lively sex life; discussion of low libido when perceived as a negative, and of girlcock as positive; corny 5th-grade humour.

The pistil of a Korean lily flower (Lilium cernuum): her long, erect, phallic female sex organ, dripping with clear, sweet nectar , towering above her male phalli which surround the girlcock as if in adoration.

elilla& how are you a top without testicles? How do you even have erections? I'm transfeminine, can I preserve my sexuality after HRT?

There are many complicating factors so let's start with a tl;dr. This is the stuff that I consider the most important, based on my experience and that of trans folk I know:

For sexuality generally:

  • Be aware that you don't have to be sexual if you don't want to.
  • Keep in mind that your new body may have a very different type of libido. Learn how your feminine body works, don't expect it to be the same as before.
  • Have partners who make you feel affirmed and safe and desired (protip: t4t).
  • Have sufficient levels of estrogen. (Most cis doctors won't give you this.)
  • Keep in mind that your physical and mental health and general life satisfaction affect your libido too. I know, who can afford to be healthy in this economy etc., but it helps a lot to find some form of exercise that you enjoy doing regularly (it doesn't have to be intense or “sportsy”).
  • “Follow the breadcrumbs”. If you want to have sex but the libido isn't there, fool around a bit even if you're not feeling like it, see if it shows up. Der Appetit kommt beim Essen.
  • If you're kinky: Go deeper. Find new kinks. Break your own taboos. Avoid stagnation. Ride the curve.
  • Do not frame sex as an obligation or proof of attraction or personal worth.

For transfeminine erections specifically: all of the above, plus:

  • Do not frame erections as an obligation or proof of attraction or personal worth.
  • Play with your soft genitals too (“clit mode”).
  • Explore forms of sex that do not involve your genitals at all.
  • In particular, try topping the traditional lesbian ways (hands/fists/dildos/straps/tongue), you'll probably love it.
  • Consume t4t material and positive erotica that helps you see your genitals as affirming of your gender. Surround yourself with people who give you this security.
  • Consider body mods, surgeries, jewellery, custom lingerie etc. that help you claim ownership of your genitals.
  • If you're on cypro, switch to other forms of T blocking.
  • Erection meds and topical T are options.
  • I'm using this list item to reinforce the recommendation to do exercise.

I blocked my testosterone and I immediately lost all horny. Is this my imagination? Is it supposed to be this fast?

No, it's really that dramatic. It's really that fast.

Do you take cypro by any chance?

Yes, how did you know?

Cypro is more systemic in the body than most blockers. Anedoctal reports including mine suggest that it's harder to keep erections under cypro compared to other ways of blocking testosterone, even under comparable T levels. If you want to preserve erections, consider switching to bicalutamide, estrogen monotherapy, or GnRH blockers if you're lucky enough to have access to those. (These alternatives are also safer, so also consider them if you're indifferent about erections). Or just do what I did and cut off your gonads lol

Conversely, if you're dysphoric about erections, cypro may be your ally. But try not to use it for more than a few years; work towards SRS for a definitive and safe solution. Most people only need a very low dose of cypro to completely and utterly block androgens; try 5mg/day plus estrogens, and if that's good enough, try 5mg every 2 days; only increase if needed.

I'm a top and on cypro, is it hopeless for me in the meanwhile?

Absolutely not. I was on cypro for 2 years and kept merrily fucking butts. Was a bit more of a challenge, but that just made it more satisfying to find ways to make it happen anyway.

I started HRT and I think I'm ace now.

Well do you want to be ace? If you like it this way, you don't have a problem, you have a shift in identity. Enjoy!

If you had a reduction in libido that you perceive as a loss, and you want to feel sexual again: most people experience a change on the type of libido when they switch hormones. Though this isn't an absolute, testosterone seems to incentivise spontaneous libido, and estrogen responsive libido. It's hard to know how much of that is psychological from the social roles of “man” and “woman”, but it definitely felt physical to me, and I know a large number of both trans men and trans women who report similar experiences—though by no mean 100% of everybody I've met; keep the sexual diversity of people in mind, exceptions aren't rare and you may be one of them. Moreover this binary isn't absolute, comprehensive, or static; everyone in the world will have oscillations in libido amount and flavour, depending on the situation, state of the body and mind, connection with the partner, Venus retrograde, Gods know what else. For example, for promiscuous people like me, it's an almost universal experience that new partners bring out spontaneous libido, already during the hunt.

Can you describe what the shift in libido felt like for you?

Unter testosterone, spontaneous libido was urgent, almost like having to pee, or having to crack your fingers when they're tensely uncomfortable. It would happen without rhyme or reason (I recall getting hard for no reason in the midst of trying to understand math textbooks (and I don't even like math (ok δ looks kinda fuckable but…))).

Under estrogen, my responsive libido frequently needs to be fed before it can exist.

“It's when you only want sex after the sexy stuff starts happening”.

I'm now on transition year 7. On a typical weekend I have some lover on my bed and unless it's a brand new girl I won't be actually like, feeling sexual towards her, or looking forward to sex all the time. I'm doing my own thing dealing with life stuff, or we're chatting politics, or we're just hanging out and chilling. Truth to be told, I'm kinda aware that people expect sex from me (given how I present) but often I feel kind of lazy about the idea of having to set up all the gear for anal sex, thinking today maybe I'm not in the mood, and so on. No crave.

But then she will, say, sit on my lap without warning, touch my lips to attention, then give me that huffy shallow breathing that bottoms do as she brings her mouth close to my ears and murmurs: “choke me, Mistress”… aaand 5 minutes later I'm in bed pounding her.

Because most people I date have the same type of libido, that works the other way, too; when I'm the one feeling horny first, that usually means blowing some sparks towards my lover and blowing up the fires and waiting to have a good stable flame going on before we're cooking. Or if. I'm writing this after having 4am sex cos I randomly woke up horny next to the week's lover; I enjoyed without hurry the soft pleasure of big-spooning their body and exploring it without holding expectations on whether they would correspond or not; I would be genuinely satisfied with either outcome; as it happens, they did react in the body language of sexual pleasure, which in turn made me hornier, which changed how I played with their body, and so on, one tiny little notch at a time… That's responsive libido. Sometimes I'll just lie with a girl on the sofa all evening weaving in and out of highly sexually charged cuddling back to soft little hugs and forehead kisses as we browse memes together. The embers never catch into flames but that soft horny is so comfy and cozy anyway. I love those evenings about as much as I love fucking ass for an hour nonstop. If you learn to enjoy all sorts of experiences, you're never frustrated.

Wait—if both you and your lover are having a responsive-type libido on that day, doesn't that generate an impasse?

I mean, yeah. Dear Reader, I bid thee welcome to the †Lesbian†Bed†Death†.

Ok I couldn't resist the chance to explain why LBD exists but like, I don't like the negative framing, again: There's a whole universe of things you can do together as lesbians, you don't have to care that sexytimes isn't happening. You can garden together! Read comic books lying on her lap! Play little gay visual novels from itch.io and voice act the characters! Mask up to ambush local nazis! Bake cookies for one another! You know, girl things?

Ok, I get it, you've been thirsting over one another online for 6 months and you travelled to be together for one precious weekend and now nobody is feeling like sex and it feels like a bit of a shame. In this situation you can do a bit of that exploration and see if you can get the feedback loop of horny started. I've seen people call this “following the breadcrumbs of your libido”; going through the motions a bit, chasing an inkling of what you intuit will feel good today, until it hits. (I personally think of it as “making offerings to invite in the demons” rather than breadcrumbs, but you do whatever metaphor works for you.)

And if you're kinky: ride the curve. Hike the heck up that escalation curve. Even if you don't feel like it at first, do it consciously, deliberately. Once you strike the right nerve that gets her to shake with pleasure, your responsive libido will… response. It will response so much.

All this talk of bed death and baking but you seem horny online all the time though??

That's mostly a persona; both an aspect of my history and my identity, and a political positioning. I've been hypersexual since I was like, 11, and much of my life centred on navigating the various stigmas and ostracisms involved with that, both from conservatives and liberals. At this point I'm done masking. At the same time, after 40 and on estrogen, I've calmed down significantly. “Don't you have sex with like 4-5 different people per month?” As I said: calmed down significantly.

(See? That was my persona again, so well-practised at this point that it comes naturally. In a lewder period I do have that many partners or even more, e.g. the past four months or so; but I've also had periods with little more than vanilla-ish sex with known lovers once or twice a month, e.g. most of 2024. This has to do with mental and physical health too.)

No but seriously, most of the time when I'm hornyposting I'm not actually feeling aroused, it's just my aesthetik. Besides, presenting horny on main is a major way that I find new lovers in the first place. Responsive libido works online too, so when the right type of girl replies with the right type of comment to a kink text, it heats me up immediately, and we build from there.

Fairly rarely, estrogen does give me spontaneous libido, but it's not like before where I would like, have to take care of it in the next 10 minutes or get frustrated and lose the chance. Rather it's a seemingly random but low-burning, quiet, pleasurably painful type of horny that does not demand an orgasm and does not go away with one (so masturbation feels unsatisfying and pointless) but it like, colours my entire day, makes me scratch the walls craving some unspecified depravity. I'm not the only woman who calls this state being “in heat”. It's highly distracting, like, I cannot weave at all. I love it. My “heat” lasts maybe 5–6 days in a row for me. I can't induce it on purpose nor make it go away.

🤔Is any of that libido variation some sort of hormonal cycle?

Maybe? But I doubt it's from HRT. Back in the day I've experimented more than most trans women with inducing hormone cycles, from very high E2 doses to zero exogenous, with various doses and timings of P4; but could feel no clear unambiguous correlation with libido states. E2 does make me slightly more prone to crying and P4 affects my sleep in ways that are hard to define, is the best I can say I noticed cycling HRT.

How do I know if I'm ace or if I have my libido blocked?

Sometimes people ask “how do I know if I'm really trans?”. I find that question to be a red herring. “To be”, the copula verb, is a philosophical landmine, anything can “be” whatever you want it to be, or not, it's playing with words. (Like when fascists go “Can you just define what is a woman—” a woman is my throbbing cock is what she is). The question isn't whether you “are” trans, it is: do you want to transition? If you do, then the question becomes: how?

Same rationale for whether you “are” “really” ace. Who cares? If you're enjoying life without sexual cravings, nice! Have fun with all the extra time.

“I don't know what I myself want, though”—yes, of course, we've all been there. There's no magic trick there, you have to pay attention to your body and your emotions and explore and experiment out of your comfort zone and observe how it feels. Just don't get so attached to identity labels that you start forcing yourself to fit them.


(I didn't set out to reminisce so much when I decided to write this FAQ but since I'm already here, might as well. Hopefully telling about how my sexuality (re)developed can give people a reference point or a contrast to understand their own process? Or maybe I just want an excuse to write about my #journey. Too late now, buckle up…)


Immediately upon transition, I was convinced I must have become nonsexual. For the first time since childhood I wasn't yearning, and it felt kinda good. Refreshingly peaceful. I was pretty ok with that development. I had other things in my mind anyway, Gods know that first year navigating all the traps of gender and identity and the medical cistem was… a lot.

But that “peaceful” was always a “kinda”. There was some footnote to it, some restlessness I couldn't quite place. It took time for it to grow into discomfort, but the discomfort pushed me to go out again…

See, the thing is, I had been a top, and promiscuous, and dominating, and sadistic. These alignments didn't really go away; I just unconsciously distanced myself from all that because, like, even if I know rationally that there's plenty of women tops, dommes etc., these things are still socially associated with masculinity, so it felt like I would regress, would be seen like a man if I admitted to any of it. I didn't think that with words, I felt that instinctively, without realising it.

Another parallel: Some three months ago I got into powerlifting. I can now deadlift 95kg at 5 reps, and though I'm doing this for strength and not looks, my body changed faster than I expected to put on visible muscles. Not a lot of muscles, mind you, but moving in the “Vi-from-Arcane body” direction is feeling incredibly gender right now. I'm into it. And, after all this time doing high-femme outfits, I found myself trying out a sleeveless vest-and-dress-pants combo, profoundly enjoying the way that I can now pull off a soft butch bodyguard look without feeling like it makes me look like a dude. (Having D cups help).

Mirror selfie at the gym, flexing my new biceps. My sports bra has a boob window so I can flaunt the cleavage—this is an anti-misgendering shield. Crossing arms with a vest and nothing underneath is a flattering position for both arm muscles and cleavage. I’m still learning the selfie tricks for muscles.

And I had to square these euphoric feelings against how hard and unhealthily I had dieted in my first transition year to lose every bit of muscle I could, how I always felt bad about a muscular frame, how even years into transition I only went back into muay thai with trepidation, afraid of looking like a guy if I got strong… What a joy it is, to be secure enough in my gender that I can now admire muscles in myself as much as I admire them in other women.

Every aspect of my sexuality was like muscles, or like wearing pants. Each little part of it had to be reclaimed, slowly and with much effort.

At the beginning, I felt like asserting to be a woman was already asking for a lot. I couldn't possibly also expect other women to be interested in me, that would be too much. I felt like the very caricature of the trannie predator, this middle-aged, phallic, sexualised monster who chases women in female spaces. N.b. I emphatically do not hit on women except in contexts like, dunno, queer parties after they return my smiles; but it felt like I could be that. Maybe deep down I was secretly her? The #problematic type of trans girl? So all of my problem aspects had to be buried deep. I felt like, as a woman, I would be decidedly unattractive; I was convinced transition meant my sex life was over.

“After all, who would ever be interested in an older, tall, dominating yet maternal, lesbian futa top?”

That was definitely a belief I had.

Of course I started attracting the interest of women pretty much immediately, cis and trans. (And enbies, and femboys…). I would go online and see terf op-eds from the UK and think women now hate me forever. Then I'd tremblingly, terrifiedly, talk with women IRL and they'd be all like, “hey so I wanted to buy one of those egg vibrators want to go to the sex shop with me?” and “let's hang out at my place, I can cook vegan for you?” and “oh the sofa is too uncomfortable, why don't you sleep in my bed?” and I'd be like, she can't possibly be hitting on me, right? This is normal for girls, right? She's sleeping so close that I can feel her soft oscillating breath on the skin of my lips but I bet this is just what girls do, it doesn't mean she's like, into me, that's impossible… 💦

(Actual example.)

(No, I didn't act on it.)

I was so happy when my body started changing that I started posting selfies, and unexpectedly they got swamped with feminine thirst, which led to a cycle of exhibitionistic affirmation, and soon to my first few t4t lovers. And slowly, slooowly, all these sweet femmes managed to convince me that I wouldn't be considered a “man” if I bound a girl in ropes and made her come with a magic wand, with the argument that they wanted me to do exactly that, which was kind of a hard philosophical position to debate.

Having this mutuality of desire was crucial to reconnecting with my libido, because what I'm trying to get at here is— I'm not vanilla. Even before transition, doing the same type of basic-ass penetrative sex with the same person bored me to death. To be sexual again I needed to feel free to explore my taboo/problematic/cringe perversions; luckily, turns out plenty of girls are into that.

So you see, for me my loss of libido was tangled up in all sorts of gendered trauma and social pressures and anxieties and whatnot. And that wasn't visible to me at all. I had to fool around and try out stuff, and I needed a ton of time and a ton of support. My broken heart was only ever healed thanks to the power of love ♥

Good for you, sister! But my problem isn't the libido; it's that I'm a top and I can't get hard anymore. You seem to have it easy…

Ok so even after I was sexual again, for a good couple years more I was convinced that my body didn't work for genital penetration anymore. I had this entire identity where I was like, “yeah I don't have working hardware, and whatever I'm not into it anyway”. At this point I had learned about dissociation, which let me understood why, before transition, I had to picture myself somewhere else to be able to have penetrative sex. And, thanks to BDSM I already had experience with my hands, with toys, with my tongue; and, now as a girl, doing other girls with those tools was more pleasurable to me than I ever imagined possible. I was, at long last, a lesbian top; it felt too good to be true. (It still does.) Who cares about boring old penis in hole anyway?

And I don't think that was wrong, mind you. I don't even think my “ace year” was a misunderstanding or anything, not really. That's who I was, at the time. People who met me at that place met me as such.

Then on one memorable evening I had a visit from this girl with a 100% submissive personality, intensely bottom urges, and a particularly attractive, perky round butt, and at some she was just lying there butt up and… yeah. T at unadvisably low levels, cypro all over my system, transfeminine dysphoria, eventually no testicles—e por si mueve. Girlcock does not care, none of this matters before the might of “Gosh I wanna fuck this butt”.

I was promised horny hormones and you keep doing this lovey dovey trauma healing woo, come on give me the deets, how do I hack the body

The trauma healing woo is crucial, ok? But without further ado:

  • Ideal E2 levels vary from person to person but for most people it's somewhere between 300pg/mL to 900pg/mL. If your SHBG has gone up, you're doing too much; increase E2 as much as you can while keeping the SHBG zero or minimal.¹ Having enough E2 isn't important just for sexuality but to keep your energy levels and clear mind in the absence of testosterone. Most doctors won't prescribe you enough estrogen, so unless you're lucky enough to have access to a trans-literate clinic, you'll have to DIY. Injections are to be considered the first-line choice for most transfem people; they give good levels and work well for almost everybody. Other methods that worked for me or people I know are a relatively high dose of gel (or, better, spray) on testicles, lower corner of jaw, and forehead (in that order of preference); or combining transdermal E2 with sublingual/buccal pills.
  • Progesterone might or might not affect libido. Some people swear by it. I thought sometimes it did help me feel horny, and sometimes I couldn't feel any difference. I take it anyway, but when I forget to take it or experiment with a break, it doesn't affect my sexuality unambiguously. Nothing that isn't utterly overshadowed by, say, cute girl in a mesh top smiling at me at the rope meet.
  • Some trans women will stay in the “upper female” testosterone range on purpose, to have more spontaneous libido and energy; or apply T topically on the genitals, for erections. This won't affect your feminisation if the rest of your HRT is well managed. (If you do topical T, please inform your partners of that.)

What about sexual medication?

Vasodilators like sidenafil and tadalafil work fine for trans women who want erections, but doctors often deny access to them. Fortunately cis men DIY those so they're relatively easy to find.

Bremelanotide reliably stimulates libido for many people (regardless of hormones or genitals). But I can't see a sex life depending on it; would be very awkward, having to take a shot 2 hours before every time your gf wants sex. I recommend it as a party drug at best. The brand-name product is only sold as injections, but on the gray market you can find a nasal spray, too.

You're into herbs, right? Is there any data on herbal treatments for erections that work without T?

Anecdotal only, no concrete research either way. My best results have been with maca, which has moderate evidence for erectile function and semen volume without any measurable effects in androgen levels. Ashwaganda also has moderate evidence for sexual function and ejaculation volume and doesn't increase androgens in postmenopausal cis women—there are even isolated case studies of breast growth under it.

With all these complications, how do you keep consistent erections?

I don't. A lot of the time during arousal I'm soft, or half-erect. Even when erect, it comes and goes.

Mira Bellwether, in the zine “Fucking Trans Women” (which you should definitely read if you haven't yet), has called girldick “temperamental”; when she wanted to coax her cock into topping, it would stubbornly refuse; then when she was least expecting it and not at all prepared for anal sex, it popped up rock-hard and aching with lust… this has been my experience often, too.

How do you top while soft, then?

First of all, I take it as fundamental that penetrative sex is optional and a bonus to me. Most lesbian tops rely on their hands and dildos and straps, and I have all these options, plus, sometimes, delicious live cock. Sometimes I'll bind, domme, top and/or hurt a submissive girl all while I'm fully clothed, without stimulating my body at all; I find that to be a very rewarding type of sex when the mood calls for it.

Remember too that penises are homorganic with clits. Soft girldick is just a big clit. It has the fun nerves and everything, and can be played with in all the ways you'd play with a clit. Get them to tongue it, put a vibrator on it. Sit on their face.

If at some point I want to incentivise my cock into an erection, for example for a photo, I have to play with the responsive libido until she shows up. If I'm alone, for example, this usually means written erotica or browsing flirty DMs. I consider neither penetrative genital sex nor orgasms to be “goals” during sex; I find goal-oriented sex productivist and spiritually unsatisfying. There’s nothing that kills the mood faster for me than feeling like I have to perform.

But if I want to get harder with a bottom, maybe I'll fuck something that doesn't require a full erection, or an erection at all (mouths and lubed thighs work great).² Or bring out the wand vibrator and tease us both. Or switch to some other type of play and explore different flavours of arousal. Breaking a taboo or crossing a line that turns a kink up a notch makes me hard basically 100% of the time. Even straight people talk of “heating up the sex life”, right?

Conveniently, the process of softening up an ass for penetration also makes me horny, so teasing and lubing and edging and fingering a bottom will both make them easier to fuck, and me harder. Most of the time. If it doesn't, hey, that's what lesbians invented dildos for.

One complication is that with intermittent erections you can't rely on condoms very much—I've had one too many close calls where a condom almost slipped off mid-penetration. I've tried using a cock ring to ensure they're held in place, but it wasn't enough. Now I use internal condoms (often sold as “female” or “vaginal” condoms), which work great for anal sex, too. I also consider it fundamental for promiscuous people to do PrEP and regular STI tests, doubly so if you're into anal.

Do you get pain during erections/penetration without testosterone?

I've seen reports of it but I don't. I mean sometimes a very hard erection has a pleasurable degree of background ache but that was the case before transition, too. I think experiencing intense pain may have more to do with disuse than atrophy or hormones; or else it's individual variation.

Do you get ejaculations without testosterone?

Nope. Sorry. Wish there was a way to have big showy money shots for the aesthetic value, without androgenisation; but as far as I could research, there isn't.

Transfeminine folk will still produce ejaculate for, dunno, two or three years after starting HRT, tops? then it starts steadily drying up. Girlcum is therefore a precious delicacy, to be treated as a treasure (sweet and unscented, clear and thin, delicately intoxicating…). These days I will cum maybe between a couple drops to a small stain on my panties, and it tends to come more as a leak in the minutes after I'm finished with my reverberating multiple orgasms, than as a triumphant jet during the orgasms themselves. The amount of liquid people produce seems highly variable between individuals, and also within the same individual depending on type of HRT and how long they've been on it.

Do you get atrophy without testosterone?

I was never the dick-measuring type, and I'm not sure whether mine has reduced in size or not. The glans definitely seems smaller, giving it a slender tip; but the shaft remains as thick as I remember it being. Somebody once called this pattern—thin and easy at the tip, until you reach a suddenly increased girth—my “knot”, which made me feel very positive about it. Generally all the transition changes I had with girldick—the feminine glans; the larger, darker raphe; the increased skin sensitivity; the softness; the neutral scent; the sweet taste—were crucial in making me able to see my cock as “mine”, as something different than boycock; a process of body reclaiming that culminated in the orchiectomy, which fully removed any dysphoria I might ever have felt about penetrative sex.

At any rate intermittent erections will reduce the effective size some of the time, so girldick is unlikely to be the type to satisfy a size queen. (Why do you think the Goddess gave us bigger fists…?)

All that sounds surreal but I'm not like you, I could never be like that…

That's how I felt about all those cool trans women, too. For like a decade. “They're too awesome, I wish I could be trans too, what a shame I'm not trans if I was trans I could transition.” Even now this life still feels surreal for me myself who am living it. But hey, there's a top shortage out there, and your hard work is sorely needed! And your soft work too, for that matter! Comrade, thirsty bottoms want you to do your part for the community! o>


Feedback

1: People have asked where are these numbers from. Several sources:

  • Widely used E2EN 15mg/14 days protocol seems to solve “stalling” lack of feminisation issues for many trans women who came from lower levels of E2 from transdermal or pills. That protocol generates a curve from 300 to 600pg/mL on most bodies.
  • Dr. Power's experiments on how much E2 people can take before free% levels start to drop (between 300 to 1000pg/mL for the large majority, N in the hundreds).
  • My own experience (wildly successful both in bodily feminisation and mental state, but only after I changed to spray and upped my levels over 300pg/mL) and that of people I personally know.
  • Cis woman pregnancy levels as a ceiling of how high a fem body may go in natural conditions (over 7000pg/mL).

Higher levels also have the benefit of acting as monotherapy to compensate subpar blockers like spiro, and potentially compensating for tricker androgenic pathways like adrenals, post-SRS spikes, and the backdoor.

2: In one memorable occasion, I was doing negotiations and STI risk disclosure with a new bottom, and said like, “I like doing intercrural to warm up—you know, thighfucking? Rub some lube between the thighs, grab them together and use the hole to get me off…” They look straight into my eyes and say, shakily: “You won’t need the lube”. That, dear Reader. That was a responsive libido moment for me.

 
Weiterlesen...

from ARBITER

Sekri looks out the window.

We're machines that eat and breathe and look really cool You're reacting just the way that I thought you would And I've replaced my heart with metal parts And I'm working out just fine, but I can't get it to start — Holy Fucking Shit: 40,000, by Have A Nice Life

...and what am i meant to observe?”, Sekri says. Of course, the image he sees is not of particular merit or importance to him. It is the last vestiges of a dying planet, one that has forgotten its own history as its inhabitants disappeared in one fell swoop. There are greens, blues, pale yellows, and greys. But none of them stand out to Sekri, as he has gazed upon similar sights repeatedly to the point where they are dull in his perception. When you say “landscape landscape landscape landscape landscape”, it stops sounding like a word, doesn't it? To those who lived here, the image before him would have been a warning of things to come. There would have been endless speculation, should they have been made aware of their fate. Would it be a change in the climate that took them out? Some kind of war, with weapons that served no purpose except mass devastation? The impact of a solid body from elsewhere driving a hole through their landscape? Widespread disease that their systems failed to account for? Fire and brimstone? ...Does it even matter? Does it lessen the effect to know the cause? There's a certain permanence to knowing how much time you have left. You might decide to act on various impulses you've had throughout your life, knowing that the behaviors you exhibit will not have lasting consequences. You may hole up, attempting to prolong your small window of existence as long as possible, spending your remaining time with those you care about. Or, and this is the most relevant part, you may make something. You may opt to use your final moments to bring others into your memory: an auto-biography, a diary, a small trinket, a named space of land, a tape. It may not even be good, but that doesn't matter. It is yours. All this is to say, the people of this planet had no time to create anything of this nature, because they had no warning. Even if they did engage in this act of creation, it is unlikely that Sekri cares, especially right now. “do you not immediately recognize something of interest?”, Amry says, attempting to counter Sekri's overwhelming tired nihilism. “i recognize... a swath of gaseous foreign bodies. i recognize the planet designated 102E... one that, in misguided reasoning, you are suggesting we hole up on.“ “you have a lack of whimsy and imagination, and it is concerning to me”, Amry says cheerily. “then what do you see, genius?”, Sekri says, as his last chance to exert agency begins to vaporize. “i see the face of a new mother! one that will not leave us blighted. one that is abundant with high density concepts that we can use to sustain ourselves for generations. one that we can use as a place to find something to appease the arbiter, or to settle anew failing that Σ8]“ “to adopt this unsanctioned knowledge is tantamount to decay. do you have any idea what might come out the other end? would it be us?“ “i believe that this truth is a lie you have been fed, and moreover, you are speaking in worst cases again Σ8C“ “is this not already a worst case?“ “i... am trying to avoid that line of thinking, and i believe that the arbiter will understand if we can bring something of value“ “...how quaint of you.“ Amry, eager to change the subject, attempts to suggest a new idea. She'd rather not inspect her own internality right now, because it is screaming at her endlessly, like her voidform's tendrils cascading into herself. “now if you will notice, we have various green masses. we were attracted by density once, that much is useful — there are many attractors though. we noticed colors here, among many others“ Sekri facepaws. “we have density for a reason, it sustains subsumption“ “are we looking for something to subsume? i will not decay for many, many ticks now!!! overloads are intense, i feel as if i am spinning!“ “eventually we will — i will — need something...“ “that is a worst case”, Amry says, entirely ignoring the actual facts of the matter. “we want the arbiter to act as if we have given a gift, something so invaluable that we are heralded as gods, means justifying the ends“ “foreign concepts again... it feels as if you almost revere 102E.“ “i do.”, Amry says, raising their uncannily low cadence's voice. Her form was not meant to emphasize things in this manner. It was, evidently, meant for other purposes; comedic ones, not serious ones. Not this conversation. “they clearly had a breadth of information beyond us. artifacts and cultures we can never understand; finally! something alien!“ Sekri pauses, and a breaker flips within him with a resounding SNAP! It seems to indicate to him that there is something that he has not yet seen, something relevant, something dense. It is a memory, and he is unable to trace it. It feels like a foreign intrusion, as if someone took a scalpel to him and inserted a lie between where the truths go. He pauses. “can i tell you a story? ...a myth, i fail to know its source“ “you cannot exactly thought experiment your way out of this, you know!!!“ “believe me, i am acutely aware. it would provide me some comfort, if you were to hear it.”, he says. Regardless of its importance, he wishes to eschew whatever has come into him from his system. There is only one thing that he could say, and only one way to say it. “alright”, Amry says, placing her paws down on the cold metal flooring.



there was a world, and it was once of gods; your foreign concept, but one of great power. birthed from the primordial, they were as they were. they were overthrown by new gods, ones of greater power; banished to places that they surely could not escape. the new gods created mortals, those that irreversibly decay. they could not Understand, so they attempted to by proxy. they withheld some of their Understandings, in fear.

...but an old god, son of the Piercer, saw different. he wished for these Understandings to be known, spread without consequence. so he stole them, and created Culture for the masses; a set of Understandings so basic they could be shared. but the new gods were of great power; the son of the Piercer was bound to eternal torment, an endless cycle of subsumption and decay.



​ As Sekri wraps up, Amry's eyes turn to half-circles, and her face scrunches up. “i... where did you get this from?“ ​ “i told you, i do not know“ ​ “if you are implying what i think you are implying..... you do not want to do this because of power? when did you begin to cower in fear? it means nothing if the power is unjust!!! we would decay regardless!!!“ ​ “the arbiter... cannot be unjust. he has brought us life.”, Sekri says, hesitating. ​ “there you go with your full stops. do you wish to convince me to lie down until we are extradited? you are along for this ride with me.”, Amry says, raising her voice to the intonation of hissing. “i am creating the station from which we will continue! the future will look upon us as the new 102E, as great pirates and preservers testing the waves; ones who brought riches and wonders. i will not let you let that dream decay!!!“ ​ Sekri flinches, and gazes upon her with concern. ​ She realizes that she has gotten too heated, especially against someone who has recently panicked. She backs down, slightly, attempting to look bashful but failing to control her form. “...otherwise i would not appear as this floating signifier Σ8/“ ​ “...a floating signifier. that is what you think you are? you said it yourself, you called it a-“ ​ In an instant, however, Amry's new reflexes catch up with her internality, her perception as razor-sharp as her depiction. She jumps from her resting position and arches her back, staring directly at a laser-thin point on the surface she observes. “what is that?“ ​ “...what is what?“ ​ Amry points at the object with her claws, scratching the window surface with a horrifying cadence. ​ “please never do that again. this is not very dense, regardless. what do you wish to do with it? ​ “if we wish to bring an understanding that is important, not necessarily dense, what do you notice here?”, Amry says, using rhetorical questions annoyingly. She really wants Sekri to see things from her perspective, but alas, they have dissimilar visual perceptors at present. ​ “i am tired of putting up with this! do i not have control of my own actions? am i to be moved like a doll? am i to be subjected to an endless barrage of inquiry-circle shit?“ ​ “it is a simple question, tragicality“ ​ “and why would you address me with that title if you want me to disregard the whims?“ ​ Amry grins. “because i can“ ​ “if i state what i observe, will you be quiet?“ ​ “maybeeeee!!! Σ83“ ​ “fine. it is black and white, covered in solid rock. it appears to be an unservicable-class entity, if i were to guess, which i do and am. there are grey offsides that are heightened, and there are red walls. it is nothing of...“ ​ That's when he notices. ​ “...it is shaking?


LOCAL COORDINATES: 39.950563, -75.149062 NO ORGANIC INTELLIGENT LIFE DETECTED BUT YOU ALREADY KNEW THAT NO OTHER RELEVANT INFORMATION

absolutely nothing relevant?”, Sekri says, attempting to make logical sense out of what he's just seen. There has to be a reason for the seismic disturbance he saw. Some kind of dense entity must cause something like that, or some kind of organic intelligent life, or some kind of fusion reaction going on in the planet's core. Surely there is something important going on here.

I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU WANT TO HEAR YOU HAVE CYCLED ME BETWEEN ONE OF THE DENSEST THINGS I HAVE HAD EXPOSURE TO AND PERHAPS THE MOST NOTHINGEST NOTHING TO EVER NOTHING REGARDLESS; UNSERVICABLE-CLASS ENTITY MY JUDGEMENT IS THAT IT WAS UTILIZED BY LOCAL FORMS AS A SPACE FOR COMMUNION BUT EXTREMELY BANAL COMMUNION NOTHING OF IMPORTANCE HAS SEEN GENESIS HERE

then is there anything that would explain the disturbances that i viewed?

NOTE PRIOR COORDINATES 39.9645473, -74.9661513 POSSIBLE CAUSAL LINK GIVEN SIMILARITY OF VALUES

Huh.

OR NOT I HAVE NO IDEA AHAHAHAHA

The fact that this is reasonably close to the prior anomaly is at least interesting, Sekri thinks, despite the fact that it raises even more questions. Namely, why is there a disturbance here and not there? Why did he not track down anything at all in the prior area — is it entirely devoid of density? It's at that point that he realizes that the difference between 39.950 and 39.964 is far more than he imagined, as the coordinates of his prior and current positions appear before him on the computer's visualizer. It's not a large gap between the two, but certainly enough that they're distinct. In truth, Sekri doesn't understand what these numbers really mean, or why the computer uses them to navigate. It is only important to the computer. “right. well, prepare a report. scrounge any necessary information that you are able to by scanning local signage, and ensure that my observation of lateral disturbances is noted and taken into account.”, Sekri says, noting that the computer's auto-generated reports tend to be riddled with errors. But he doesn't really have time to deal with that right now, and more importantly, he doesn't particularly believe that said report will be of any use. It's only in this moment, after all the panic attacks, as the ship lands on the coordinates, that Sekri is able to step back and realize what the stakes are. Obviously, there's been prior, instinctual reactions, but that isn't how he likes to think. He prefers to act primarily in logistics mode, and the logistics are thus: Amry has been extradited to Cognis. As a result, she either needs to come back, or she will be forcibly returned to the area. Assuming that she does not return, and Sekri knows that she won't, there will be a crew dispatched to her location, either on this plane or in the Inclinosphere. But given that Amry has recently consumed an Overload-class entity, it is highly unlikely that she is to be extradited in the Inclinosphere. She would be liable to lash out. The extradition order was assigned specifically to Marka. Given all that information, this means that Marka is coming here. It means that he, alongside a slew of nameless Correction officers, are liable to show up far before they find anything that is worth it. Furthermore, if they were to find something valuable, they would just... Sekri doesn't want to think about this, and he knows what will happen if he does. Amry's plans have always been inscrutable, but this is on a new level of inscrutable, so much that he can't even scrute it. Whatever that means.


As the vessel lands, Amry does not realize how much her actions look like a complete mistake.

The entire area does not have any particular credence to it. It does not feel like a space of great importance, nor does it feel like it has any particular density to it. It feels.... banal, boring, even dull. It is almost like the space like they were at their prior nearby coordinates. Just a set of poles and branches. Another snake. Nothing more. Sekri can hardly contain his enthusiasm as he perceives the landscape ahead of him. “...great.”, he says, stretching his intonation. “maybe a walk could clear your gaze?”, Amry says, looking quizzically towards Sekri. It's best to just let him play out his temper tantrums when he gets like this. “...do you know what i want to do right now?“ “...no? Σ8|“ “i want to lie down and rest until i decay.”, Sekri says as his joints begin to slouch. “i think that is even better reason to not do that, if i am being clear“ “i appreciate your input. i will be sure to take it up with the arbiter during our impending incredibly short hearing“ “sekri... if we do not look, we will not find anything >_<“ “and what if we do? what if we do. what if we find something? have you thought that far ahead? we do not have any reason to believe that appeasement is a viable strategy, especially given that they can just take the concept we find from right under us.”, Sekri says, throwing his appendages in the air, speaking through tears. “you have placed me onto a quest that will end in nothing but my decay!“ “you are thinking in absolutes again, tragicality”, Amry says, trying to avoid the topic. “besides, if we do not do anything, thoughts of leverage do not help us!! what are we to leverage?“ “urgh. just. lead the way.“ “...okay“ The two of them proceed past the vessel's entrance into the sterile darkness of the snake ahead. There are various blockades that appear to indicate the development of new lands, but they are not particularly obstructive, given that there is nobody present to enforce them. Within them, there is a quadrilateral present with lots of lush greens. Sekri perks up slightly, noting a building across the area. It is full of transparencies, as well as something that seems to be somewhat dense; certainly nothing that would work for Amry's intended purposes of appeasement, but something nonetheless. Not Overload-class, like the nearly infinitely spreadable meme that Amry embodies, but at least Heighten-class. It was memetic, but it did not fly above its genesis. Well, whatever it was, it was going to be useful in tracking something down. Maybe Sekri could trace the Concept up the chain to something big. Maybe something else important would happen. Maybe, maybe, maybe. Amry, however, evidently does not give a shit. She finds a rock on the ground and bats it around. “what is this???“ Sekri tries to hide his emotions, emitting the following words with a stifled groan. “...that is a rock, amry. we have rocks.“ “but what if it is an interesting alien rock? what if it hides some greater secret?“ It isn't. “it doesn't.“ “how can you be sure?“ “i can not, but i think we have better uses of our time than doing nothing but messing around with the smallest things we can find.”, Sekri says. “something was moving or shaking around here, do you even know what it was?“ “no? if i did why would i bother coming over here???“ “okay.”, Sekri says. He wants to say more, but he knows that if he spends one more moment with this thought he will explode into a thousand tiny metaphorical pieces. For once, he manages to keep his cool. “well, i found a relatively dense entity to your right, if you care to look at it.“ Regardless of Amry's distaste for classical ways of gazing upon worlds, she instinctively flicks her gaze rightward, and sees something that, given its chemical composition, should not really mean anything to anyone.

But it does. Given its exterior, the entity in question seems to be mostly made of copper, though its use is obscured and not easily seen. Furthermore, a transparency obscures it, making it difficult to see the entity in its full form. “what do you think it is?”, Sekri says. “that is a rock, sekri. we have rocks Σ8}”, Amry replies, putting her paw on her chin as if to indicate a chuckle. “...ugh. whatever. we can go around and look closer, if you would like.“ “no need!”, Amry replies. As if it was entirely natural to her, Amry runs backwards, revs up, and crashes directly into the transparency as if it was completely useless. Immediately, various shards begin to coalesce on the ground below, which would be a significant hazard if any land-bound entities were unaware of their presence. It's a good thing that none of those are here, because the clean-up crew wouldn't be happy, and replacing it would likely take a frustrating amount of time. The sound of crashing makes Sekri flinch, and his form briefly tenses up, before instead shifting to cold pragmatism. “...do you really think that was the absolute best course of action? out of all of them? you have left hazardous shards everywhere!“ “yes, and? it does not appear that anyone is here to be hurt!!!“ “...me.“ “oh. right”, Amry replies, as Sekri steps over the mine-field of shards on the ground to see the room's interior. The area is barren, as if for nothing but display of the entity in question. Immediately, both Amry and Sekri believe that the very fact that this entity is being displayed in an open area means something about its density; at the very least, the environment suggests some kind of propensity for visiting the entity in question. This alone would likely mean that the entity is dense, but the sheer attractive force that the two of them feel for it means that it is more dense than they might imagine. Amry walks around the perimeter of the entity. Its base has a circular structure, upholding the larger mass above it. It is affixed to a wooden block that upholds its heavy weight. Towards its bottom, there is a dangling oblong protrusion that appears to swing to and fro, if one was to poke at it. Perhaps most striking, though, is the presence of a foreign alphabet that she has seen before on its surface. For whatever reason, the vantage point from which she is looking at it seems to obstruct the view of this alphabet. But words do remain on its surface. “Philada”. She doesn't know what that means, or what the letters are. What she does know, though, is that the copper of the entity appears to be severely damaged, as if it snapped long ago. There is a long, jagged crevice along the outside of it that appears to be polished — it must have been damaged for a long time, enough so that those who cared for it began to admire the damage as part of its unique charm. “what do you think it does?”, she says. She flicks at the aforementioned protrusion towards the center of the copper ring. It swings back and forth from her pawing, almost hypnotically. “...it does appear to be especially dense.thwip.i do not care about density in this moment!! what i want to know is function, if this is something that we have not utilized, something transformativethwip.it is a block of mostly copper, we have copper. we found copper in the-thwip.in the you“ “not in the me, i am organic, ahaha!!! mrow”, Amry taunts. The copper rod swings back and forth, back and forth. “...yes. okay. well, i do not think that it will be especially usefulthwip. ...Can she please stop that? “presupposing that density is useful, it must be dense for a reason, yes?thwip.density is not use, it is density, it is importance.thwip. Amry. Amry this isn't a good idea. “then it must be important for a reason!!!”, Amry protests. She is batting with both paws by now, flailing wildly as if the copper is an enemy assailant. Please stop? “we have known many foreign bodies to be highly irrational and not truly find usage out of the objects they find dense. density is not use, it is value.thwip. Please? “then we must figure out what made it so dense! i want to understand those who were here...thwip. Sekri crouches down to gaze directly at Amry. “no, we want to understand what is of use that people here made. it is not our purpose to discover their meanings, and we are especially not eschatologists.thwip. Fine! See if anyone cares. They're all gone. Go ahead. “how much of this is because you are depressed? @_@thwip.i am not depressed!!!! i am reacting adequately to the nightmarish circumstances for which we are in, and—thwip. DING! She... oh good lord. She fucks it? She fucked it. Amry's flicking causes a loud noise as the copper dislodges itself from its wooden prison, splitting itself in two alongside the crevice along its surface. She dashes away from underneath the copper just before it comes crashing down with a resounding thud, landing on the transparent shards and causing them to further segment. The shock makes her fur stand clean up on her back, as she briefly considers the ramifications of cause and effect. One of the shards hits a square platform on the ground before bouncing upwards; material behavior that would indicate rubber, instead of copper. It smashes through yet another panel of transparency next to the one that Amry already catastrophically destroyed, resulting in some sort of x2 combob of utter building destruction. Sekri, standing behind this panel, ducks rapidly, and the rapidly moving copper nearly gives his blue fur a clean trim. The density, the potential saving grace, wasted. The last strand, cut. The whole separated into parts of no use at all. Sekri stares at the shattered copper. He tries to let his pieces of thoughts cohere into larger ideas, but he can't seem to get anything to come out at all. He tries to weigh his options, but they aren't options, he doesn't have an option, he's stuck here in this pit that he dug for himself — that she dug for him — that society dug for him. Even the remaining flora of this foreign body remember what a response like this seems to mean. Only they seem to know. A massive amount of density is lost, as context is removed and split. He seizes up, curls into a ball, and we cannot see through him. “...sekri?”, Amry says. It's impressive as to how little effect it seems to have. The limbs and appendages of his body begin to curl up into each other. They shake and shiver like reeds in the wind, tensing and convulsing on instinct. Amry curls up within the recesses of some of the split copper. The bumpy texture, away from the jagged, shattered edges, feels nice on her paws. Some time passes with no response. She tries to poke at the semi-catatonic Sekri, but her short, feline paws don't have much of an effect. She realizes, then, that there's a much easier way of snapping someone out of it. She takes out her claws, rubs them against the copper, and then runs through Sekri's fur with a thwip. He reacts instinctively, grabbing her paw and nearly throwing her by it, but stops before it can cause any severe damage. “...sorry.“ “no, it makes sense!! i was the one who broke it“ “mm.”, Sekri says, without realizing that's not a word. “we can find something else, it is not that big of a problem“ “that appears to be almost all of what you say, if i am being frank. no, honestly, i am being frank!! it is all you say!! it is like you are operating on loop sometimes“ “Σ8? i do not know what you are talking about...“ “it is not that complicated. whenever i raise a concern, and i appear to be nothing but a barrel of concerns lately, you minimize it. it happens over, and over, and over. it is as if what governs us is using us as characters. i feel like i am going to lose my sanity, i feel like i am the only one that can see it“ Of course, Sekri isn't in a narrative, but he's having trouble with that again. It wouldn't be the first time. Those types of delusions aren't fun. “you are not, though! i appreciate your perspective, i promise, otherwise i would not bother to hear it Σ8/“ “can i ask you a very strange and possibly alarming question?“ Amry's eyes narrow, but only on instinct. Her body language is unfamiliar to her. “alright“ “why are we friends? why are you friends with me, after barely contributing nothing but concern and doom? why am i friends with you, after all you have done here to undermine our safety?“ “i—“ “all you seem to do is burn and burn until there is nothing left! the only thing you seem to care about is vague curiosity, as if you have preemptively embodied your form. it is somewhat refreshing to have another perspective but i wish it would be less destructive!“ “for one—“ “not just destructive! you have ruined me! you have ruined us!“ “did you forget that i was sent here to decay?“ He ignores that. “...how did we meet?????“ Amry's eyes open back up. Still unnatural. Her visage seems to ooze genuine concern. It's a question that she should be prepared to answer, something incredibly simple. Factual recollection. “...i can not remember, in the moment“ “is that not strange to you? is it not strange that such simple things seem to elude us“ Amry flips onto her back. Traditionally, felines hate this, but she isn't one. Not really. “...we are all we have for each other, are we not? perhaps it was just proximity, as dark as that is to say!!“ “what do you mean?”, he says. He begins to lose some of the tension stored in his form. “i know we exist among many, but we can not really... meet new friends or cousins, can we? it has always been the same us, on and on. you have said that you feel that others do not like you—“ “i never said that.“ “—it was implied, then. but perhaps we are together, on this planet, because we are the best friends available for each other. among many, without variety, without genesis, sometimes one has to... settle, i suppose. and i do care about you, deeply. not regardless, but i just do“ “so am i just a convenience to you? is that it?“ “no... well. no“ “would we be friends if we were anyone but ourselves?“ The words ring in Amry's skull again, despite it taking a different shape than the last ringing. Each tick she can recall seems to reverberate in her. It feels like the sound of smashing a guitar against a metal floor. It feels like cutting her flesh open with nails. “i can not be anyone but myself Σ8{“ “then i wish you were less... that, sometimes“ “i will try my best”, she says. Best to resign out of convenience, she thinks. She's got a world to comb through, and she really needs Sekri's help, regardless of how she feels. If they're going down, they have to go down together. “i really do care about you. i do not know if we would be close if we were elsewhere, but i think it is a useless experiment...“ “...i appreciate it. i just... i am just frustrated, i apologize“ “you are my best friend that i have now. i am glad we are here together ^_^“ He says the words before he has time to parse their meaning. “me too.


 
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from aerkiaga's blog

I would like to use this week's post to write a review of the Charachorder Two, the new input device I received last week. I have done many other things besides trying it out and practicing on it, but I believe this will be of greater interest for anyone.

The Device

In case you haven't read my previous post, the CC2 is an ergonomic, programmable, hybrid chorded and non-chorded keyboard. By “ergonomic”, I mean it has a unique shape, with two halves that can be split apart or bolted on supports and that fit nicely under the hands; each one has nine joystick-like 3D switches that can be pressed in different ways with little force.

By “programmable”, I mean it has an apparently custom-made chip running CCOS, a firmware that allows everything to be customized, from timings and layouts to chords (more on that later). To do so, you use a Chromium-compatible web interface, but many settings can be changed using just the device, with a specialized interface that can be shown on anything that accepts keystrokes.

Then, I feel I need to explain the whole chording matter. A chorded keyboard is one on which you type by pressing multiple keys simultaneously. They are used in contexts like court transcription, which need very high typing speeds. The CC2 is that, but also not: if you move a switch in some direction, a plain old character appears; if you move more than one at the same time (and you have programmed that chord before), an entire word or phrase is sent to the computer. You can also program other actions as chord outputs, and chords can be combined in some really cool ways.

At the end of the day, your computer only sees a regular keyboard, which sends scancodes through a USB port. Remember this.

Physical description

Lighter than I expected, with a matte plastic finish. Comes with an elegant travel case included. I didn't attempt to separate the two halves (which are joined by default with an aluminium bar). Small rubber pads keep the device from sliding over the table, and there are screw holes so one can bolt the halves on e.g. the armrest of a chair.

The keycaps themselves seem 3D printed, not with a great quality though. At least they send 3 spare ones in case you lose/break the existing ones. The switches themselves work really smoothly, although I would have loved some more clickiness.

Character Entry

Easier to learn than I expected. They provide a web interface to learn the device, which I used for a few minutes a day and got to about 20 WPM in a week. The default layout is pretty good, it allows for some common letter combinations to be typed especially fast.

I was slightly worried that I would encounter problems to type using the Spanish layout, but turns out it works out quite nicely. Just a slight modification to the base layout to be able to type <, > and }, and ready to go! Common characters like ñ or ´ are well-placed by default.

Typing regular prose is physically pretty comfortable. I have tried it for programming without much success; in my experience, a regular QUERTY keyboard with Vim is enough, but it may be the case that once I get faster on the CC2 I'll be able to get more out of it...

Chorded Entry

Here I did find some issues related to my keyboard layout. First of all, the Device Manager and documentation overall don't do much hand-holding if you're outside the US layout. If anything, the Device Manager makes it even more confusing, by translating some stuff to your current layout while leaving other unchanged. You also need to be really careful about the codes you use to prevent garbled output, and dead keys aren't very well supported yet on chords.

I created my own chord library, by adding words both in order of frequency and using a weighting algorithm in a script I wrote so I could prioritize words that'll help me in my job. For example, I can easily type the word “paciente” (patient) by pinching two fingers to p and t. I've also added chords for actions like deleting the last word or switching on Caps Lock.

The default timing settings for chords make it really difficult to learn at first, so I had to increase them a bit.

Overall

I'd give this device 5 stars for what it has managed to accomplish and how easy it makes to type fast (even on a different layout), but I must warn that it lacks some much-needed polish. I expect the documentation and firmware to improve over time though.

 
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from aerkiaga's blog

I'm admittedly a big keyboard fan. I currently use a nice mechanical keyboard I had custom-built long ago; I don't game at all, but I do type a lot, and that's just at home. Just imagine how many lines of medical records a psychiatrist has to type every single day...

I can touch-type on QWERTY at about 55 WPM, which is about the average typing speed for a physician. I can also touch-type on Dvorak (not any faster though), which can be a small help to avoid carpal tunnel syndrome in the long term; a colleague of mine intends to use that alternative layout at work for this very reason.

I have something different in mind. This week I received my order of a CharaChorder Two, an input device that could be described as an ergonomic, programmable, hybrid chorded and non-chorded keyboard. It could also be described as the mother of all input device learning curves, with people reportedly reaching 300, even 500 WPM after over a year of training; at those speeds, I could easily shave off precious minutes and annoying interruptions every time I see a patient, allowing me to focus on my job and my patients, and avoiding delays. An investment in time that I'm confident in recovering soon.


On a different note, I'm already pre-inscribed for a Master's Degree in Biomedical Engineering, as well as steadily studying for a driver's license and doing daily language lessons on Duolingo (I'm learning French at the moment).

 
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from aerkiaga's blog

This week, along with the usual physician-interviewing activity, I've set out to try something new. I've been learning some concepts in analytical finance, with the help of a loved one who is an expert in the field and was eager to teach me, as well as a thorough use of the Internet.

Now I can solve some problems using things like the Black-Scholes framework or Nash bargaining equilibria. I've been writing a financial calculator program in Rust to get a better grasp of all of it and other things like Monte Carlo valuation. This is also a great opportunity to try out some programming stuff, like attempting to make a nice CLI interface, using an internationalization crate or introducing dimensional analysis in calculations.

If the calculator turns out good, I will surely publish it on my Github. Nonetheless, I would advice anyone up front against using it for anything other than experiments or learning; I'm not a financial advisor, just a medical doctor having some fun on my spare time (I might be lying though, so don't take medical advice from me either, or anyone on the Internet for that matter).


I've also begun taking driving lessons. The reasons I've waited for so long are twofold: I wanted to focus on studying during my university years, and I have never had a compelling reason to drive (public transport is great here). But that might change in one or two years, when I'm sent to different hospitals and other mental institutions to complement my specialized training.

I want to enroll in a Master's Degree in Biomedical Engineering this month. Becoming an engineer is in some way a goal for me, and would allow me to formally claim some of the skills I've learnt along the years. I secretly feel like one day some game-changing invention will shape the way we interact with our brains; something like an improved brain-computer interface, or a revolutionary imaging technique, maybe something else entirely... And, when that happens, I want to be right in the middle of the fun! All of that medicine, psychiatry, electronics, programming, and formal verification will finally converge on something (just pipe dreaming...).

 
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from Liza Hadiz

The theme of International Women’s Day (IWD) for March 8th, 2025 is “Accelerate Action for Gender Equality”. How can this be achieved? The IWD website highlights several key areas for action to accelerate gender equality. One important area is economic empowerment for women, and another is legal and policy reform. These areas are interconnected through labor rights, reproductive rights, and unpaid care work, among other issues. Looking back over a century ago, it was these same issues that prompted the need for an international day dedicated to women.

Key milestones in the history of the establishment of International Women’s Day (IWD) include the alleged all-women garment workers' strike in New York City on March 8th, 1857, which addressed demands for shorter working hours, better working conditions, and equal pay. Another significant event occurred on March 8th, 1908, when women workers in the needle trades marched through New York City. Although the historical validity of these two New York events in connection to IWD remains questionable, they continue to be cited in some narratives.

What can be validated is that in 1909, the Socialist Party of America organized the first National Women’s Day on February 28th. A year later, the idea of an International Women’s Day was proposed by Clara Zetkin at the Second International Socialist Women's Congress. Subsequently, the first IWD was observed on March 19th, 1911, in Austria, Denmark, Germany, and Switzerland. In 1921, Zetkin proposed that March 8th be the official date of IWD to commemorate the Petrograd women workers' strike on that day in 1917, an event marking the beginning of the Russian Revolution.

Zetkin, a renowned German socialist of the 20th century—often referred to as the mother of International Women’s Day—was not only a staunch advocate for women’s labor rights, but also recognized that women’s oppression was deeply connected to motherhood and unpaid domestic labor. Zetkin argued that the sexual division of labor, including women’s reproductive roles and domestic responsibilities, is a key source of inequality in the home, which, in turn, limited women’s full labor participation and hindered their full emancipation.

Zetkin advocated for child-rearing practices that are free from gender roles, emphasizing the importance of teaching domestic responsibilities to both boys and girls. She believed that raising and educating children should be the shared responsibility of both parents, not solely the mother's role. To enable both parents to participate fully in public life, Zetkin called for state intervention in domestic life, such as the provision of state-supported daycare.

Throughout history, IWD celebrations have spotlighted critical issues, including labor protections (such as equal pay for equal work, labor protection laws, and minimum wage standards); women’s political rights (the right to vote); equal access to education; and women's reproductive rights and protections for mothers and children (e.g., maternity leave and healthcare). Today, according to IWD 2025, accelerating gender equality includes promoting women’s economic empowerment through paid maternity and paternity leave, improved access to financial services for women, and the recognition, redistribution, and reduction of women’s unpaid care work. This includes advocating for flexible work policies and childcare support.

So here we are today with many of the same issues as a century ago.

In terms of policy reforms, there have been successes; however, the outcomes remain insufficient.

For example, Sweden is a pioneer in parental leave, introducing state-mandatory paternity leave as early as 1974. Decades of government initiatives in Sweden have narrowed gender inequality in the workplace, increased gender equality in childcare at home, and established Sweden as one of the world’s most egalitarian countries. Nevertheless, statistics reveal that women still perform a larger proportion of unpaid care work. In Sweden, women spend about 3.7 hours on unpaid care work (including housework), while men spend around 2.9 hours (OECD Stats, 2023).

Furthermore, while these policy reforms have advanced gender equality, they have not adequately addressed protection against gender-based violence.

Iceland, for example, has closed more than 90% of its gender gap through significant reforms in health, education, political empowerment, economic participation, and other sectors, earning its reputation as one of the safest countries in the world. Ironically, women are not safe inside the home. Data from 2023 reveals a concerning rise in domestic violence in Iceland over recent years (Statista, 2024). In fact, the country’s rate of gender-based violence surpasses the European Union (EU) average.

The IWD 2025 website highlights combating gender-based violence as a step toward accelerating gender equality. Ironically, the reality remains that even important advancements in gender equality have often fallen short of ensuring a safe environment for women.

While celebrating achievements and milestones is undoubtedly important, we also need to dedicate more time to reflecting on what is still not working. It’s discouraging that, over a century since the inception of International Women’s Day, we are still struggling with many of the same issues. Women have come a long way, but at times, we have been running in place. Unfortunately, this condition has been exacerbated in recent years by political changes that have created more challenges for gender equality.

-Some Thoughts from the Cappuccino Girl- (2025)

Updated on March 10th, 2025 to include explanation of key milestones

You might be interested to read: Remembering Rosa on May Day

Visit my other blog: https://feministpassion.blogspot.com/

#women #history #socialism #Germany #Russia #US

Image: Statute of Clara Zetkin in Leipzig (via Pinterest)
Sources:
Amnesty International (2009) Women make history. https://www.amnesty.org/en/latest/news/2009/02/mujeres-hacen-historia-20090227/ [7 March 2025].
BBC News (2024) Is Iceland the best place in the world to be a woman? https://youtu.be/h_y4xMOKWUM?si=Ehja0Pb25tikVKRs [21 December 2024].
Encyclopedia Britannica (n.d.) Why Is Women’s History Month Celebrated in March? https://www.britannica.com/story/why-is-womens-history-month-celebrated-in-march [8 March 2025].
International Women's Day (2025) What are some key ways to ACCELERATE ACTION for gender equality? https://www.internationalwomensday.com/Missions/20724/key-ways-to-ACCELERATE-ACTION [7 March 2025].
Johannes Kepler Universität Linz (n.d.) The History Behind March 8. JKU. https://www.jku.at/en/department-for-equality-equitable-opportunities-and-diversity/gender-diversity-management-unit/the-advancement-of-women-at-the-jku/march-8-international-womens-day/a-history-of-the-advancement-of-women/ [8 March 2025].
OECD Stats (2023) Time spent in paid and unpaid work, by sex. stats.oecd.org [18 December 2023].
Statista (2024) Number of domestic conflicts and violence in Iceland from 2015 to 2023. https://www.statista.com/statistics/1463279/number-of-domestic-violence-cases-in-iceland/ [22 December 2024].
The Hindu (2025) ‘International Women’s Day: when women marched for Bread and Roses.’ https://www.thehindu.com/news/international/international-womens-day-2025-history-of-womens-day-when-women-marched-for-bread-and-roses/article69302167.ece [8 March 2025].
 
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from small medic mini-blog

regional teaching today. being for novices, it meant that “airway day” was all about the basics of induction of anaesthesia and extubtation.

they got a consultant to talk about front of neck access, a very rare event overall in most anaesthetists' careers, which my colleagues found super interesting, and I found devoid of self-reflection

in contrast the talks about ventilation and preoxygenation which people usually zone out at – I found really interesting. proper applied physiology, that. and extubation – the boring bits that people tend to overlook because it's not as flashy as intubation, but is equally a high-risk event.

#anaesthetics

 
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