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from verity's correspondance book

Vera, a stats and probability professor gets caught up in what is literally a series of unfortunate events (A Low Probability Event) which changes the world. In what is essentially a post-apocalyptic story, she joins Agent Layne, of the Low Probability Event Commission (LPEC) to investigate the casino they suspect is behind it.

This story works on a scale both cosmic and personal. Like an anti-superhero story, LPEC is a nod at gross government overreach in the name of national security, saving the world, etc.

The first part of the book has some quite graphic depictions of bizarre deaths as a first person account of the Low Probability Event, which nearly put me off reading on. I'm glad I persevered to the end though.

#books #horror #body-horror

 
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from General

Haklarınızı Şansa Değil, Profesyonellere Bırakın

Hukuk, “hallederiz” denilerek geçiştirilemeyecek kadar ciddi bir alandır. Bir davanın kaderi, yazılacak tek bir dilekçenin detaylarında veya kaçırılan küçük bir yasal sürede gizlidir.

Zeki Şimşek Hukuk Bürosu; Aile, Ceza ve Gayrimenkul hukuku alanlarındaki uzmanlığıyla İstanbul'da müvekkillerine şeffaf ve sonuç odaklı avukatlık hizmeti sunuyor. Davanızın büyüklüğü ne olursa olsun, doğru strateji ve etkin savunma ile her zaman bir adım önde olun.

Hukuki sürecinizi güvence altına almak için üsküdar hukuk bürosu sayfamızı ziyaret edin ve profesyonel ekibimizle hemen iletişime geçin.

 
Devamını oku...

from elilla & friends’ very occasional blog thing

Once at a Hbf there were some immigrant-looking folk (Turkish, as it turned out) selling traditional candy like, in a super pushy way, and I went talk to them half because I like sweets and half because I like being sweet-talked (hey the latter is a super rare experience in Germany, yes even including salespeople, I knew something was sus with that couple but I like to live dangerously ok. Yes, she was pretty. haterz gonna hate~).

So the lady was like at the top of her game, asked about my country, praised my tattoos, told relatable stories about her own life etc., and she was so bright about showing me the vegan options, and made me try like half a dozen different flavours of halva. (It was genuinely delicious). She was a great conversationalist and I had a pleasant time chatting with her for a long while.

So finally I decided to bring home 10€ in caramel halva. This is where the scam hit: she was already packing it but at the minimum quantity of 100g, which was some ridiculous abusive price, 38€ or something. At this point I wall up and put on my best bimbo face to claim that this 10-buck bill is all I have. It's obvious that it's a lie and she knows that I know that she knows it's a lie, this is a glove slap: I mean what are you gonna do about it, call the cops? So the man of the pair approaches and starts a spiel that they've already cut the halva so now I have to pay. So I say with the most blatant cara de pau I can muster that oh well, my train is about to leave, and I give them the warmest goodbye smile and a wave, and leave them protesting without looking back.

Only afterwards I realise that I had tied up the woman for a good fifteen minutes that she could have been hustling, plus I got to try a significant amount of halva of various flavours, without paying a cent. She was good at the game so the sample portions were quite generous, too.

The lesson we learn from this is, you gotta roll with the punches; your story can't be static, it's a tool not a script. Con artistry is a dance, at the first sign of resistance from the mark you have to change your step. They really should have cut their losses and given me a miserable thumb of candy for 10€ profit, I had opened myself a weakness when I said “gimme this much in candy” without checking the price/kg first. But thanks to their all-or-nothing commitment to the script, I ended up indulging my sweet tooth for free and out-scamming the scammers, purely by instinct. And if they're smart they'll think twice before trying to con a Brazilian again lmao (I mean the Germans are right there—)

 
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from Liza Hadiz

How dark is Dark Academia? As dark as the society we live in. Beyond the comfort of its moody, sometimes haunting ambience, Dark Academia reflects the fractures of a broken society.

Dark Academia debuted on Tumblr in 2015 and spread across various social media platforms in the late 2010s, reaching mainstream popularity during the COVID-19 pandemic. Today, it remains a subject of discussion, inspiring recent novels and films. Even the vintage tweeds and wool fabrics associated with Dark Academia fashion continue to find their place in the wardrobes of younger audiences. Moreover, the appeal lies in the imagery of a nostalgic dark intellectual fantasy world, embracing isolation, melancholy, and the pursuit of knowledge—an escapism from the drudgery of academic life.

Why the need to escape?

Students entering college in the 2010s faced a labor market still recovering from the Great Recession. While a college degree was considered the path to many middle‑class jobs, investing in a degree presented a higher risk. In some parts of Europe, austerity measures led to budget cuts in universities, while in the US, state funding for public colleges fell sharply. As a result, many colleges raised tuition and fees, and youth unemployment pushed more students into prolonged study. In the US and UK, students heavily relied on loans with rising debt levels. Furthermore, following the recession, youths saw an erosion of humanities programs through budget cuts, departmental closures, and declining enrollment. All these pressures set the stage for the Dark Academia trend.

Dark Academia unfolded across social media, connecting students and building collective identity.

Amid growing anxieties over student debt, cuts to humanities programs, uncertain career prospects—and later, the isolation and loneliness intensified by the pandemic—Dark Academia unfolded across social media, connecting students and building collective identity. It offered study rituals, academic identity, and even fashion style—all of which functioned as coping mechanisms. Moreover, in times of uncertainty, the aesthetic provided comfort by affirming that the pursuit of a degree, particularly in humanities, could still yield cultural capital.

Nostalgia is central to Dark Academia. The aesthetic romanticizes an era—particularly the early-to-mid 20th century, or even earlier—when intellectual life was closely tied to Western elites and studying ancient art, Classical Greek, and classical literature conferred social prestige. Ivy League institutions, along with Oxbridge, cultivated an exclusive world for those fortunate enough to belong. In modern life, Dark Academia goes beyond imagery of books, libraries, and the walls of Gothic university architecture. It extends well into the lifestyle of coffee shops and late-night studying accompanied by classical or gothic-inspired music, and the fashion style of distinctive Ivy League cardigans, tweed blazers, and plaid shirts.

Why this obsession with studying and nostalgia?

As mentioned above, Dark Academia emerged as a form of escapism to cope with financial anxieties surrounding higher education, the pressures of academic life, and the uncertain future of the humanities. As a psychological response to these crises, imagery of Ivy League and Oxbridge traditions from a time when intellectual and academic identity defined prestige—a distinctive feature of Dark Academia aesthetic—served as a nostalgic refuge.

The solitary life of late-night studying is romanticized in Dark Academia, somewhat sensualizing the image of the tortured poet, artist, or intellectual and casting moody, melancholic ambience. This allure is further reinforced by an interior design trend that favors muted palettes of white, black, beige, brown, dark green, and navy blue, accented with textbooks, candles, and vintage ornaments. Such settings echo the atmosphere described in The Secret History—the Das Kapital of Dark Academia.

The grandeur of solitude in pursuing intellectual growth within the fantasy world of Dark Academia has, over the years through various digital platforms, built a collective identity and a flourishing community among younger audiences grappling with the lingering effect of the recession while adjusting to isolation under COVID-19 policies.

While Dark Academia romanticizes the imagery of studying humanities, its appeal expanded during the pandemic, reaching students across disciplines and even audiences beyond academia because it offered a community, belonging, and a coping mechanism. With the erosion of humanities majors intensifying in recent years in the US and parts of Europe, Dark Academia continues to serve as a nostalgic refuge. For humanities students, it provides a way to reclaim intellectual identity as well as cultural capital amid the devaluing of their field. It serves a similar purpose for other students and young people who—amid instability—yearn for intellectual prestige alongside its cultural identity.

A self-reflective evolving aesthetic

Paradoxically, while idealizing a bygone world centered on academic elitism, Dark Academia classics—such as the film Dead Poets Society (1989) and Donna Tartt’s novel The Secret History (1992)—also challenge the tradition of conformity and the moral codes long upheld in academic institutions. Thus, Dark Academia is a trope of nonconformity, antiauthority, and, to some extent, antiestablishment—a self-reflective aesthetic, ever evolving.

Dark Academia is a trope of nonconformity, antiauthority, and, to some extent, antiestablishment ....

Therefore, we cannot talk about Dark Academia without addressing its white, male-Anglo elitism. This ethnocentrism has been widely discussed, and as the trend continued to spread, criticism as well as resistance to its Western elitism gave rise to what can be described as a neo-Dark Academia, where the aesthetic is adjusted and adapted to embrace inclusion and diversity. This reformed or reimagined Dark Academia—while still loyal to the rebellious spirit of its prototype, Dead Poets Society and to the dark allure of its birth mother, The Secret History—has transformed itself by bringing feminist, queer, black, and decolonial reinterpretations. Since its peak, Dark Academia has increasingly incorporated non-Anglophone literature, traditions, and cultures into its narratives, drawing from Asian, African, and Latin American sources.

Reinterpretations in contemporary works have carried Dark Academia beyond nostalgia. R.F. Kuang’s Babel (2022) lays bare how colonialism, racism, sexism, and class inequality are embedded in academic institutions. In satirical mode, Emerald Fennell’s film, Saltburn (2023) mocks the toxicity of Western elitism and the pursuit of class mobility. M.L. Rio’s If We Were Villains (2017), echoes a Shakespearean tragedy while centering on queer love in an academic setting. Other works, such as Victoria Lee’s A Lesson in Vengeance (2021) exemplifies how contemporary Dark Academia has shifted away from male‑dominated narratives, emphasizing women and queer voices, while Katie Zhao’s How We Fall Apart (2021) moves further by centering Asian American women’s experiences. Yet across these diverse reinterpretations, the persistence of rape culture—manifested in hazing traditions and other practices—within elite universities remains underexplored in Dark Academia critiques.

The paradoxes that dismantle a broken society

In short, Dark Academia is both a literary genre and an aesthetic subculture that indulges in a nostalgic fantasy of an imagined past. The decolonial reinterpretations and resistance which have emerged within the Dark Academia community challenge the Anglo-elitist and patriarchal narratives reproduced through this aesthetic, seeking to re-write them. This creates another paradox: Dark Academia as both nostalgic escapism and cultural resistance. It is through these contradictions—elitism versus nonconformity and nostalgia versus innovation—that Dark Academia evolves into an aesthetic mirroring the fractures of a broken society, while simultaneously dismantling the cracks that hold it together.

-Some Thoughts from the Cappuccino Girl- (2026)

#literature #subculture #fashion #film

You might be interested to read: The Art of Controlling Cultural Meaning: Art Nouveau and Art Deco in the Third Reich

Images: Pinterest
Sources
Bookish Brews (2022) Dark Academia: The Truth About the Genre & Subculture. https://bookishbrews.com/dark-academia-the-truth-about-the-genre [Accessed 20 February 2026].
Bulaitis, Z. H., (2025) ‘Navigating Dark Academia: Student Identity, Nostalgia, and neo-Victorian Influences Online.’ Open Screens 7(2). doi: https://doi.org/10.16995/OS.10894.
Center on Budget and Policy Priorities (2018) Unkept Promises: State Cuts to Higher Education Threaten Access and Equity. https://www.cbpp.org/research/state-budget-and-tax/unkept-promises-state-cuts-to-higher-education-threaten-access-and [Accessed 12 March 2026].
Cordon, Nancy (2025) '“Not by a Jury of Our Peers”: The Roles of Privilege and Critique in Dark Academia.' Paper Shell Review. https://english.umd.edu/research-innovation/journals/paper-shell-review/spring-2025/not-jury-our-peers-roles-privilege-and [Accessed 13 February 2026].
Millán, Lara Lopez (2023) The Dark Academia Aesthetic: Nostalgia for the Past in Social Networks. https://doi.org/10.33008/IJCMR.2023.08.
Nguyen, Maryann (2022) Nostalgia in Dark Academia. University of Strathclyde, Scotland. https://pure.strath.ac.uk/ws/portalfiles/portal/156280631/Nguyen_EWCP_2022_Nostalgia_in_dark_academia.pdf [Accessed 24 February 2026].
Wikipedia (2026) Student Loans and Grants in the United Kingdom. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Student_loans_and_grants_in_the_United_Kingdom [Accessed 10 March 2026].
 
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from General

Yenimahalle'de Bosch Garantisi ile Fiat Özel Sevis

Fiat veya Egea aracınızın bakımı için sanayi sitelerinin stresini yaşamak zorunda değilsiniz! 🚗

Şaşmaz'a komşu, Yenimahalle'nin merkezindeki tesisimizde “Bosch Fiat Servis” standartlarıyla garantili onarım sunuyoruz. Yetkili servis tekelini kıran Blok Muafiyeti yasası ve Egea aracınızın değerini koruyacak en önemli detayları yeni yazımızda derledik. Aracınızı şansa değil, uzman ellere emanet edin! 👇

https://medium.com/@piservisbcs/ankarada-fiat-sahipleri-i%CC%87%C3%A7in-yeni-bir-servis-anlay%C4%B1%C5%9F%C4%B1-yenimahalle-de-bosch-g%C3%BCvencesi-7c58abd9557c

#Fiat #Egea #AnkaraOtoServis #BoschCarService #Yenimahalle #Şaşmaz #Otomotiv #AraçBakımı

 
Devamını oku...

from growandfly

tw/cw: nsfw. implied sexual content.


Seonghyeon? Dia enggak bisa bersanding dengan rasa kesepian. Setidaknya, begitu lah yang Keonho pikirkan. Kadang kala rasanya seperti sebuah anomali; sosoknya terlihat tenang dan pancarkan kenyaman, tapi justru itu lah yang membuatnya jadi riuh.

Sejauh apa yang Keonho bisa amati, kemana pun Seonghyeon langkahkan kakinya maka akan selalu ada ramai di sana. Pun tidak peduli di mana Seonghyeon berada, presensinya senantiasa bagai magnet yang menarik banyak orang di sekitarnya untuk nyaman mendekat.

Hal yang selanjutnya menjadi alami bagi Seonghyeon adalah dirinya jadi melebur; ikut masuk dalam perangkap ekspektasi orang terhadapnya sampai ia sibuk sendiri untuk memenuhi semuanya dan akhirnya justru jadi lupa pada apa yang sebenarnya dia inginkan.

Lupa pada apa yang sebenarnya hatinya butuhkan.

Maka seiring dengan waktu yang berjalan, Seonghyeon mendapati dirinya merasa berhenti pada satu titik kekosongan. Sebuah hampa yang mendorong muncul sebuah obligasi untuk diisi. Caranya? Berkelana tanpa henti; dari satu tempat ke tempat lain, pada tiap hati dari tiap orang yang coba mendekati.

Seonghyeon berkelana, sejauh yang ia bisa.

Seonghyeon berkelana, pada siapa saja kecuali pada sosok yang kini ada di hadapannya dan tengah menahan semua beban tubuh Seonghyeon di pangkuannya.

“How I wish, I am someone’s favorite.”

Seonghyeon berbicara lemah, sebagaimana dirinya yang memang sedang berada di titik terlemah. Tubuhnya kini terkulai lemas dalam peluk Keonho yang selalu menerima bagaimana pun kondisi dirinya. Dahinya bersandar di bahu yang kekar, deru nafasnya patah-patah, kakinya bergetar hebat seiring dengan lelehan cairan yang basahi pahanya bahkan sampai ke tubuh sosok di hadapannya itu, pun seluruh tenaga terkuras habis hanya baru dengan sentuhan jari.

Dan bukan tanpa alasan kenapa Seonghyeon bisa sampai berujar begitu, pun berakhir dalam dekap Keonho begini. Faktanya adalah kisah cinta Seonghyeon baru saja kandas untuk kesekian kali, yang pada kali ini harus terjadi karena sebuah kebohongan fatal yang dilakukan sang kekasih (well, sekarang sudah jadi mantan sih). Seonghyeon jadi harus kembali ke titik nol; kehilangan semua rasanya sekaligus harus menerima nyeri dari kehampaan di hatinya lagi.

Sementara di sisi lain, Keonho rasanya ingin langsung balas dengan lantang, “You are my favorite, Seonghyeon. You will always be my favorite.”

Tapi tidak, Keonho pikir saat ini bukan momennya. Saat ini, bukannya saat yang tepat untuk jadi soal tentang dirinya, ini harusnya jadi seluruh waktu yang didedikasikan hanya untuk Seonghyeon.

Cuma Seonghyeon.

Lantas dibanding suarakan apa yang ingin kepalanya ucapkan, Keonho memilih untuk balas bertanya, “Feeling better, hm?”

Sejujurnya, jawabannya adalah iya.

Seonghyeon sudah ditelanjangi, dan Keonho sudah jamah seluruh bagian tubuhnya tanpa kecuali.

Seonghyeon sudah sempat dibuat lupa akan dirinya dan segala nyeri dari kehampaannya sebab Keonho sudah berikan apa yang orang biasa sebut sebagai surga dunia, lewat semua sentuhannya.

Jadi jawabannya adalah iya; Seonghyeon merasa lebih baik. He feels so, so, so fucking good.

Tapi itu saja rasanya seperti belum cukup, dan Seonghyeon sedang ingin jadi serakah. Sebab siapa pula yang akan tetap merasa baik-baik saja, setelah sayangmu ternyata ditipu? Setelah percayamu disia-siakan seolah tak ada artinya begitu?

Seonghyeon masih patah hati maka ia jelas masih butuh penawar dalam bentuk afeksi, dan Keonho adalah satu-satunya yang akan selalu siap beri penawar itu tanpa peduli pada konsekuensi.

Selalu.

“Jawab, Sayang.”

Sayang.

Di setiap aktivitas seksual mereka, Keonho kadang memang biasa memanggilnya begitu; sayang. Seonghyeon juga tidak tahu ada sihir macam apa di balik satu kata yang sangat biasa itu.

(Bagi Seonghyeon, ini tidak begitu ada maknanya. Terlalu sering disuarakan orang, terlalu sering ia dengar.)

Tapi anehnya tiap kali Keonho yang bilang, rasanya seperti Seonghyeon benar-benar disayang.

Makanya sekarang ini rasanya wajah Seonghyeong jadi memanas dan itu membuat rona merah mulai menjalar ke hampir semua bagiannya, sehingga yang bisa ia sampaikan sebagai responnya hanya sebatas pada gelengan lemah yang bisa Keonho rasakan di ceruk lehernya—sebab wajah si cantik sedari tadi memang bersembunyi di sana.

Keonho tahu, makna dari jawaban Seonghyeon. Tentu Keonho mengerti itu. Lantas lengannya yang semula rengkuh pinggang Seonghyeon dengan protektif itu, kini bergerak naik; jarinya bermain-main dia atas punggung mulus yang telanjang, bentuk sebuah pola acak sensual yang memprovokasi hingga sukses buat sesuatu dalam diri Seonghyeon untuk bangkit kembali. Badannya mulai menggeliat, masih terlalu sensitif untuk terima sentuhan seperti itu, pun tanpa sadar bibirnya jadi ikut keluarkan suara yang seharusnya ia tahan hanya dalam fantasinya saja.

Tubuh Seonghyeon bereaksi, dan Keonho bersorak dalam hati.

Lantas dilepaskanlah pelukan tubuh Seonghyeon, dengan posisi yang sebenarnya tak banyak berubah; Seonghyeon masih di pangkuannya, dan hanya jarak di antara wajah mereka tinggal sisa napas.

“Ngomong yang bener.” Kini ibu jari Keonho usap bibir ranum si manis yang begitu merah, mengkilap dan bengkak. Karena tentu saja, bagian itu sudah diporak-porandakan oleh Keonho sendiri tadi. Usapannya itu kini semakin melambat, seolah memberi waktu pada tiap saraf untuk sadar bahwa ia tengah sengaja disentuh. “Bisa ngomong gak?”

Suara Keonho makin terdengar menuntut. Tapi alih-alih buat takut, Seonghyeon justru sengaja untuk jadi enggan bicara dan malah membuka mulutnya—seolah memang sengaja mengundang sesuatu untuk masuk ke sana.

“Kotor.” Keonho sengaja lecehkan si manis di hadapannya. Sebab keduanya jelas tahu, humiliasi seperti itu justru jadi trigger yang sanggup bakar adrenalin Seonghyeon sampai ke puncaknya. Lantas ia tarik bilah bibir bawah Seonghyeon secara sengaja. “Mikirin apa sih? Gue suruh lo buat ngomong padahal.”

Tapi Seonghyeon mana bisa balas kasih jawaban? Ketika yang dilakukan Keonho selanjutnnya malah lesakkan ibu jarinya ke dalam mulut Seonghyeon.

“Ngomong, Sayang.” Kontradiktif titah Keonho yang bicara penuh penekanan, seiring dengan ibu jarinya yang makin melesak masuk; rasakan sensasi empuk dan lembut, serta basah yang tanpa sadar buatnya jadi mulai ikut merasa gila. “Lo punya mulut, kalo gak dipake buat ngomong ya buat apa lagi coba?”

Maka yang jadi jawaban Seonghyeon adalah mulutnya ia pakai untuk langsung hisap ibu jari Keonho di sana, diiringi dengan mata setengah sayunya yang enggan lepas untuk balas pandangi tatapan tajam dari si yang lebih tua. Dan tindakan itu, tentu sukses terbitkan seringai puas di wajah Keonho.

“Beneran kotor ya.” Sekali lagi, kontradiksi antara ucapan dan perilakunya; sebelah tangan Keonho kini mengusap wajah Seonghyeon, coba singkirkan anak rambut di dahi yang bisa halangi indahnya paras si cantik, lalu turun ke bawah untuk usap lembut pipi yang jadi mencekung akibat kegiatan menghisapnya. “Kotor banget sampe bisa bikin gue mikir buat masukin sesuatu yang lain ke mulut lo ini.”

Seonghyeon seketika pening. Kalimat Keonho barusan masuk dan membayangi dalam kepalanya, buat hisapan pada jari di mulutnya jadi makin kuat. Sesekali gumamkan nama Keonho dengan suara yang sama sekali tidak koheren, dan buat si empunya jadi makin mendorong masuk ibu jarinya dengan kasar sampai Seonghyeon tersedak dengan air mata yang menggenang di pelupuk mata.

Lalu tak lama setelahnya, Keonho akhirnya tarik ibu jarinya yang kemudian basahnya dari liur Seonghyeon di sana lantas dilumurkan di atas bibir si empunya.

Kacau.

Nafas Seonghyeon berderu, dengan wajah memerah dan mata yang sayu. Belum lagi kini Keonho baru sadar dan lihat dengan jelas, betapa tubuh si cantik yang awalnya polos itu kini telah penuh dengan ruam merah bekas ia gigit di sana-sini; di leher, di bahu, di dada, di hampir semuanya.

Sekali lagi. Seonghyeon kacau, dan cuma Keonho yang sanggup jadi penyebab dari semua kacau itu.

Keonho lantas mendekat maju, untuk cium sudut bibir Seonghyeon yang basah. Lalu lumat seluruhnya sampai semua bagiannya jadi bersih mengkilat. Tapi Seonghyeon tak lantas bisa diam dan menerima begitu saja, sehingga ia balas melumat hingga buat keduanya saling mencium.

Panas dan berantakan.

Buat Seonghyeon jadi tak sadar kembali gesekkan diri di paha yang lebih tua—sampai ada becek di bawah sana, dan Keonho yang dengan kurang ajarnya langsung mencengkram pinggang Seonghyeon begitu ia sadar—hentikan pegerakan si yang lebih muda.

“Mmh—Keonho...” Seonghyeon lepas ciumannya dan langsung suarakan erangan frustasi, matanya balik jadi berair lagi. “Please—!”

“Ngomong, Seonghyeon,” pinta Keonho dengan tegas. Dia tidak akan lanjutkan, kalau Seonghyeon tidak benar-benar suarakan apa yang diinginkan. “So, say it. Then I’ll do it.”

“Kiss me. Touch me—” Seonghyeon merengek. Ia cuma bisa suarakan apapun itu yang lewat di kepalanya, sudah tidak sanggup suarakan satu kalimat penuh. Sebab makin lama, isi kepalanya malah jadi cuma diisi Keonho, Keonho, Keonho, dan Keonho saja. “—Fill me. Makes me forget.”

Sedangkan Keonho sendiri, tentu tidak banyak buang waktu untuk wujudkan apa yang Seonghyeon mau. “Sure. I’m going to fill you up, so you remember who fucks you so good.”

Seonghyeon bilang, buat dia lupa. Tapi yang Keonho mau Seonghyeon untuk ingat, and Seonghyeon will gladly do so. Meski yang selanjutnya sanggup ia ingat hanya dirinya yang cuma bisa suarakan desah dan kalimat-kalimat tak koheran ketika yang Keonho lakukan disepanjang waktunya adalah memuja dambil mengukung Seonghyeon di bawahnya, dengan suarakan ‘cantik’, ‘indah,’ dan kalimat pujian lainnya tanpa henti pada tiap inci dari bagian tubuhnya, dan mencium tiap bagian yang belum sempat diberi dijamah cumbunya.

Begitu seterusnya, yang memenuhi pikiran keduanya cuma untuk puaskan satu sama lainnya, dengan nafsu yang terus mengudara dalam seisi ruangan hingga terus hanyutkan dua jiwa itu sampai pagi menjelang tiba.


 
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from elilla & friends’ very occasional blog thing

Companion piece to the casual relationship vocabulary.

  • Carinho: caress; cuddle. Literally “little care”. In the strict sense, a gesture of physical affection; more generally, any action that makes you feel cared for.
  • Carinhosa: cuddly in a caring way. Affectionate and care-giving. A highly valued trait in a partner.
  • Carente: the emotional state of being in need of carinho. Care-seeking. Like “needy” but without the negative connotation. “Hon, be nice to me cos today I'm carente.”
  • Chorosa: the emotional state of feeling prone to crying. Vulnerable due to an influx of emotions. “Feeling fragile right now”. Implies similar needs as being carente. Distinguish “chorona” which is crybaby; being prone to crying as a stable personality trait.
  • Aconchego: coziness; a cuddle that feels cozy.
  • Chamego: a more intense form of carinho. In some dialects it's sexually charged, like, to grind on someone while dancing can be described as giving chamego.
  • Chameguice: chamego-ness. The trait of being highly affective, in a physical sense.
  • Colo: “lap”. But metaphorically like, nestling. The happy safe place in your lover's arms. To be “asking for lap” is essentially a way of expressing being physically carente.
  • Cafuné: headstroking. Making carinhos by lightly massaging their head, passing your fingers between their hair and so on. Used symbolically in a similar way as English “headpat”, but it's slower and more intimate than simple patting.
  • Xodó: someone who is your xodó is your baby. A xodó evokes in you an intense warm fuzzy protective care-giving emotion, maybe to the point of you getting overprotective or jealous. Not an exclusive term to romance; can also be used e.g. of a child or a pet, or a prized collector's item, etc.
  • Mimar: to spoil. To treat someone; to go all-out on spoiling them, no holds barred. A highly valued behaviour in a partner.
  • Mimo: a treat. A single “spoil”. Can be like, a physical gift, or a service like making fancy breakfast, or just a bout of intense affection, praise, cuddles etc. “You better be ready cos I'm gonna stuff you full of mimos tonight you cutie”.
  • Dengo: when you act in a childish or playfully cutesy-dramatic way in order to elicit mimos and get a good chamego. The quality of dengo-ness is denguice.
  • Manha: similar to dengo but hits different in a way I have trouble expressing.
  • Manhosa, dengosa: being in an emotional state where you do dengos or make manha; or having that as a personality trait. Bashful from Disney's “Snow White” was named Dengoso in the Brazilian dub. n.b. being dengosa is a positive trait in a partner.
  • Melosa: “honeyed”. Someone who expresses affection verbally to a shamelessly intense degree.
  • Grude: “sticky material”; “glue”. Someone who wants to be up close to you at all times. can be used negatively or positively; e.g. “these two are such a grude lately [admiringly]“.

Much of our rich vocabulary for this field is indebted to Bantu languages. Once again, there's probably more I'm not remembering, exact nuances vary with speaker and age and subculture etc.

 
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from elilla & friends’ very occasional blog thing

With the major cultural tradition of my people being “fooling around”, we have developed a rich vocabulary that I miss when I speak English or German or Japanese, so I'm trying to list all terms that I can remember. See also the affection/cuddling vocabulary.

Have fairly close English equivalents

  • Namorada: girlfriend
  • Esposa: wife
  • Mulher: woman, as in wife
  • Amante: lover (illegitimate)
  • Amizade colorida: friendship with benefits. Implies a recurring sexual relationship with no or lightweight emotional involvement. Lit. “colourful friendship”.
  • Flash: a hookup. a one-night stand.
  • Crush: as in English.
  • Parceira: as in the English cognate.

No exact English equivalent

  • Ficar: to make out with; lit. “to stay with”. Probably but not necessarily staying short of sex, though often sexually charged. Implies a fun/joyful aspect, and also probably an emotional/honeyed/crush aspect. Can be a one-off thing; if it's recurring, you have a
  • Ficante: “stayer”, “stayent”. Someone you often make out with, but no committed relationship is declared. Implies non-exclusivity. You probably have feelings for one another, but keep it light.
  • Pegar: to hook up with; probably but not necessarily sexual. Literally “to seize/grab/take”; often implies an active seducer role on the part of the speaker (“see that hot piece on that table? I been grabbing her”). Implies emotional casualness. Can be used of a one-night stand; if it's recurring, you have a
  • Pegante: someone you have a sexually torrid, emotionally light, non-exclusive recurring relationship with.
  • Peguete: same as “pegante” but the suffix makes it feel even more casual. Has a connotation like “plaything” or “boy toy” in my mind.
  • Pegadora: assertively promiscuous and good at it. Seductress. “She fucks.”
  • Ficante séria: You never declared a relationship but she's de facto like a girlfriend and if you forget her birthday or cheat on her there's gonna be trouble. Extremely Brazilian concept in that “serious casual” is a logical contradiction and makes perfect sense.
  • Ficante premium: More or less the same as “ficante séria”, but funnier. Can be extended like “ficante premium gourmet comfort plus”, etc. “Yesterday my ficante premium plus saw me with the ficante comfort limited edition and SHTF.”
  • Pensante, olhante, conversante: “thinkent”, “lookent”, “chatent”. The concept of “ficante” is so useful that the -ante suffix (the same as in “student” or “resident”) has now generalised to describe your beloved at stages of the flirting process, from when you’re thinking about or staring wistfully at her down to the actual making out.
  • Ex-ficante: You never declared a relationship and you were never exclusive but your former ficante came to the same new year's party as you and your current ficante and now there's a maior climão (A “biggest atmosphere”. I think you get the idea.)
  • Amigada: The wife equivalent of “ficante séria”. You live together and are for all intents and purposes a married couple, but never legally married nor declared your relationship to your family. Very very old word, like literally from the renaissance, so it has a bit of a grandma energy—it sounds to me like, “and your aunt ran away from home and became amigada with her cousin back in '63…”—but I still see young people using it, too.
  • Namorido: Portmanteu of namorado “boyfriend” and marido “husband”. Not your husband but the relationship is so serious that the social role is like a husband. Maybe you live together (=amigado), or maybe not but you stay at each other's houses so often that you practically do; you go to family events together; you travel together in vacations etc. Boyfriend with husband characteristics.
  • Namorida: Feminine of “namorido”; girlfriend with wife characteristics, even though the implied marida (a feminine of “husband”) isn't a regular word.
  • Rolo: “It's complicated” relationship. “Situationship”. “In a dynamic with.” It's recurring, and it's not just sex for fun. Maybe not formally dating but there's too many feelings involved, you're falling for one another but one side or both is afraid to say it aloud; or you want to live in this state of ambiguity for longer; or maybe it's illegitimate on the part of someone; or not-quite-illegitimate-but-better-if-she-doesn't-know, that kinda thing. Literally a “roll”, but it's originally slang for trouble; mess.
  • Rolo compressor: “steamroller”. You had a rolo and they came drunk to your party when you were petting your peguete and made a scene and you're the talk of the town for a month. Then they called you at 2am to break up, but then called next morning to say they're sorry, and…
  • Caso: A “case”. An affair. An older word that can be used like amante (illegitimate lover) or like rolo (it's complicated). For example, a torrid, intense, and knowingly temporary relationship for the duration of a summer trip would be a caso de verão (“summer case”). Has a mature adult connotation in my mind, compared to the more young folk/nightlife energy of ficante/pegante.
  • Contatinho: “little contact”. “I'm in her DMs”. Nobody has proposed or confessed anything yet but it's clear for everyone involved that you two are a thing already. They're like, incoming queue. You get sugar syrupy/flirty every so often to keep moving things towards IRL skinship. Back in my day we called this being fofinhas no MSN (“being cute on MSN”) but nobody uses that anymore.
  • Contatinho de reserva, aka step: “Backup little contact”, aka “spare tire”. Not a side piece but a side potential piece. Someone in your DMs you've been jogando verde pra colher maduro (“playing it while it's green so you get to harvest it ripe”), like, no expectations, but the hustle never stops…

There's probably more I'm not remembering. This is like, slang, it has all sorts of variants and different nuances depending on dialect, subculture, generation etc. This is how the words sound to me in particular and, I think, most folk from my area and generation.

 
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from elilla & friends’ very occasional blog thing

1.

I often tell people: “if you keep a dream journal you’ll be able to have highly elaborate dreams like mine”. The act of keeping a journal primes your subconscious, as if some part of you who makes dreams gets the message and decides to put some effort. Or is that just an idea that makes sense to me so I tell them to people? Truth to be told, I don’t keep a dream journal, except if you count those exceptionally elaborate dreams I post on social media themselves, with Mastodon being my “journal”, or occasional jottings on my bujo when I have that feeling: “I must note this down” without knowing why. I don’t have the cinematic, plot-heavy dreams consistently or often. If I kept a dream journal, would their frequency actually increase?

2.

The idea gives me some dread. Though few of my dreams are outright nightmares, they usually aren’t super happy or pleasant either, with an anxious character to them. Scarier still are the ones that bleed into real life, with sleep paralysis hallucinations; many times including recently I have experienced a gradual shift from dreams to this reality, so that the last scene of the dream fades seamlessly into the scene I see from my body lying on bed—from virtual reality to augmented reality, so to speak. Watching a demon dog that had stalked you for your entire dream fade into the corner of your room walls, still growling at you, and then realise you're lying awake staring at the same room corner of where you sleep; or watching a parade of disembodied masks/faces coming from the gaps between boards on the ceiling, then realising you're in this reality staring at the ceiling boards—when I was young those things would make it impossible for me to sleep in my bedroom again at all. (Years later, when I found out about the Hounds of Tindalos from Lovecraft and how they are able to manifest from any architectural angle, that… did not help.)

I feel like without my hallucinations I am diminished, somehow; I want to see how deep the rabbit hole goes. But maybe I am afraid that, if I start exploring my dreams, that kind of thing will return, and then where am I going to sleep? I don’t live with my mom anymore, I am the mom now; and a single mom at that; there is no one to go say: I’m scared, no lap to seek refuge into.

3.

But I am trying to rationalise something more elemental. There is a base fear that I am very familiar with, since my first few visionary experiences. I call it the “oh fuck oh shit it just got real fear”. Like maybe you are attracted to magick or wicca or lucid dreaming or something, so you go seek after it, after like, something. Though you are also modern and educated and a sceptic, so half of you constantly thinks: you’re wooing yourself, none of this is real, it’s all scams and mind tricks. Metaphors, generously.

And then after a while you do in fact stumble on something, and it’s like falling down into an abyss head first, and suddenly all those metaphors seem actually really dangerous, and the question of the exact realness of their phenomenological status takes second place to: oh no oh fuck abort abort abort.

For example, both times I tried ayahuasca I had a single dose and did not have the strong, transformative visions that the entheogen is reputed for. Both times one of the ritual workers offered me the second dose, and I refused. Both times I got the impression that they knew exactly what was going on and scoffed a bit at my cowardice. Now part of the reason I didn’t want to take the second dose is that the ayahuasca religions I had access to both were Christian-based, and I just can’t agree with Christian stuff, it repulses me at a visceral level. But that’s not the primary reason. The primary reason was that I instinctively knew that if I downed that second cup, shit would get real.

4.

Sleep paralysis phenomena should be generalised as half-sleep phenomena, I think. Not every hallucination I have is accompanied by paralysis. The paralysis itself doesn’t seem to have the same terror & dread edge that it used to have, after I learned that it’s like, a thing that happen to people, the scientific explanations of it etc., and then just let it happen. But regardless: there’s a particular kind of hallucination/vision I have when in a state that is not quite awake but not asleep, either; both before sleep and after waking up, whether or not there’s paralysis.

5.

Most often my demioneiric visions are visual or auditory; the voices used to be more common, these days I think visions are more common. The one time that involved any other sense was the ghost girlfriend, who visited me three times; that was intensely memorable, hugging an invisible girl who was not(?) there, who felt so real that I swear I could see the indentation she left on the mattress next to me afterwards. The first time she came was in a period where I was dating a lot of women, but that night I was alone, and suddenly I had a girl to hug to sleep and I was like, “how nice, one of my girls came give me a surprise and lie with me”, and only once I was awake/sober enough to realise, “waaait a minute that would be a weird thing to do and how would anyone open the apartment door at 3am anyway”—that the feeling of her was suddenly gone from arms. The second time I do not remember at all; but my memory of this vision noted down “she came three times”, so I’m reporting it like that. The third time was the only time ghost girlfriend told me something, namely the word “goodbye”; her body them seemed to dissolve into a thousand pieces; the tactile feeling of snuggling to a human body and then have it shatter under your arms like polygons in a 3D game animation was so real and unexpected and unprecedented that I was more marvelling at how this felt than anything else. Ghost girlfriend never came again, nor have I ever had a tactile experience like that again.

6.

The first experience with sleep paralysis that I remember was umbanda-related, in my early teens. It was magnificently terrifying, maybe the scariest I ever had. The voice I heard—a sickly-sweet female voice—repeated a word three times, stretching out the stressed vowel in the third; I was desperately trying to move my legs, but they would only shake nervously; the voice stretching that vowel made my leg shake like a bamboo switch in the wind, and then the half-sleep state, and the paralysis, were gone all of a sudden. With no idea what was happening or what to do, I went to the kitchen and cooked something purely to calm down. Then I dug through my grandmother's husband's family's old box of books, and found Polyanna, which even to 11ish-year-old me felt too facile and condescending; but at that moment the book saved me, its message of positive thinking and optimism is absurd motivational-speaker material in daylight, but past midnight and terrified? it was a life raft in a sea of terror, it made it possible for me to try to sleep again. Then the same voice did the same thing—a word, three times, long vowel at third, leg shaking etc., with the same effect; only it was a different word this time. Curiously, that made it less scary; a weird thing happens to you and it’s a dreadful unexplained phenomenon, if it happens twice it’s like, a thing that happens. Repetition defuses. I was finally able to sleep.

I was able to remember the two words for years later, but I never noted them down and at some point I forgot them. How I wish I had them in the era of the Internet to look up, to analyse with my linguistics skills…

7.

A widespread half-asleep phenomenon that I also have and that one of my kids inherited from me: Mind radio. This is when you hear voices saying sentence fragments in your mind when you're about to sleep, in quick succession, changing speaker for each fragment, as if you were zapping through radio stations: I don’t drink milk I don’t drink—today she was fond of white jackets—in Vietnam the peasants might—nani ittenda, kono yaroo—butterflies rose and pink, I will give you, etc.

Mind radio does not sound like the voice of the normal internal dialogue, intangible in your mind; there's a definite acoustic quality to them, the voices have a very specific timbre and volume and a definiteness of sound. At the same time you're aware they are in your mind; you don't think they're coming from real life, that there might be a physical person in the room with you.

My mind radio tends to be pretty unpleasant and cause the oh-shit-it's-getting-real fear, which bothers sleep. I usually dread this when it happens, and try to drown it out with a youtube video or something. The voices don't normally make any sense, at least not in an obvious way; but mine lean towards mean words and a certain aggressive tone. Once I tried experimentally asking them things, inspired by techniques of how one explore one's plurality. The succession of sentence fragments didn't really reply directly, but I felt like they were kinda interacting with what I was asking, if in a sarcastic/mocking way sometimes. That's another rabbit hole I didn't get very deep into.

8.

Only now in my middle age, I started having an occasional phenomenon that seems to be a visual analogue to mind radio, happening in the same situation. Instead of voices I see images, each lasting maybe 3–5 seconds. Like the sound of the voices, these images have a strange definiteness to them; I'm not normally able to conjure images in my mind, I have a poor visual imagination, but these images are as if I was looking at a drawing, every detail visible. I can't make any sense of them, and like a dream the memory of them disappears fast. A chair on a furry carpet. A toy duck with ducklings. A masked man sitting and staring at me. The moon and stars, etc.

Curiously, these flashing images don’t seem to cause the type of dread that commonly accompanied my auditory mind radio, and accompanied also many (but not all) of the half-asleep, “augmented reality”-type visions. Could I invite the mind images on purpose? I have a vague idea of how to do that; a journal, the absence of distractions like music or podcasts, and just asking, opening myselves to it. Do I dare?

9.

A half-sleep phenomenon I experienced at least twice and never saw described anywhere else. I am sleeping somewhere outside and under the stars, somewhere natural, with all the stars we don't see in the cities. I always feel at peace under stars, like coming home, so I stare at them with love and gratitude. Eventually I close my eyelids, and find to my surprise that I can still see or imagine the stars, in all their incountable glory, exactly where they were before, every colour and position and everything. Baffled, I open my eyes again; there's all the stars. I close my eyes; the stars continue to be there.

Like in the “mind TV zapping”, the visual quality of these stars is tangible, concrete; very different than trying to picture things in my mind on purpose. I never had this happen with anything other than stars. It's as if stars, and stars only, could pierce right through the cover of my eyelids.

10.

I saw a recommendation that you try to talk to characters in your dreams, even while awake—like just write on a notebook and “imagine” or “pretend” you're talking to them, and you might be surprised at the answers. This seems exactly parallel to how it works to talk to plural selves, which leads to the obvious question: if the beings in your dreams are you, or at least some of them are you, are they a type of plural self?

11.

I like the idea of blurring the lines between dream and reality—wearing a piece of clothing you remember wearing in a dream, for example, or adopting a catchphrase or humming a melody, etc. If dream-personas are a type of plural self—could you invite a dream self to front? Extract them right out of one reality to the other?

12.

Conversely, could you have your awake-time plural selves hang out together in dreams, as in with different dream-bodies, to have adventures or romance or guidance etc.? Maybe lucid dreaming techniques could help inducing that?

13.

An experience I've had countless times was to fall deeply in love with someone in a dream, only to wake up and find out that the recipient of my affection does not exist, which is a very offputting kind of bummer. But I've had sequential dreams more than once—like the recent series of dreams that all took place at the “decrepit ghetto neighbourhood somewhere in Tōkyō” which achieved some notoriety, culminating in that cinematic story with the teenage serial killer/performance artist character.

Apparently it’s something that dream explorers do, try to get back at an old dream on purpose, to continue unfinished business or just to explore promising territory. Could I have been doing this all along when I have one of those romantic dreams, and keep up a long-term dream-relationship?

 
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from elilla & friends’ very occasional blog thing

NetBSD-chan tem uma escrivaninha com todos os cabos perfeitamente organisados e que ela faz faxina toda quinta-feira sem falta. Ela desenvolveu seu próprio sistema de organização pessoal de documentos, inclusive um documento que documenta o sistema de organização de documentos. O blog de TI dela (HTML estático) roda desde 2003 em um Solaris reurbished que ela tem em um rack na sala de estar. Se você comentar sobre isso ela começa a falar sobre arquiteturas de processadores por duas horas. No dia seguinte você se dá conta que apesar de não ter interesse no assunto você agora tem uma boa noção de SPARC vs. MIPS vs. ARM, porque a explicação foi extremamente clara e didática. NetBSD-chan tem um canal no twitch onde faz livestream sobre ler regulamentos ferroviários de vários países e tomar um drinque toda vez que acha um problema. Devilgirl, de óculos, com chifres pequenos. * Tipo sanguíneo: A * Cocktail favorito: Gimlet

OpenBSD-chan tem 3 smartphones differents, cada um com níveis diferentes de segurança vs. aplicações disponíveis. Ela nunca deixa nenhum dos smartphones tocar um SIM card. Quando um serviço força validação por SMS ela usa um actionphone selecionado aleatoriamente de um sacão mantido no HQ do grupo dela no centro da cidade, longe do apartamento. Quando ela cruza as pernas você vislumbra um coldre, e tem mais ou menos certeza que ela não tem licença. Quando ela te leva pro apartamento dela ela pára dois ou três pontos de ônibus depois, e espera o ônibus de volta. Se você perguntar sobre qualquer uma dessas coisas ela diz: “opsec”, e não elabora. OpenBSD-chan não bebe, mas fuma maconha. Se vocês estiverem chapadas e você falar de política, ela começa a discorrer sobre como a direita e a esquerda são ambas corruptas e o povo ignorante. Fugu girl. A rota dela é yuri tóxico. * Tipo sanguíneo: B * Cocktail favorito: Virgin Mary

FreeBSD-chan herdou uma jaqueta de couro crop top da mãe dela, decidiu que era fashion, e usa a mesma jaqueta todo dia desde os anos 90. Ao contrário das irmãs, FreeBSD-chan aprendeu a se divertir em festas, depois de ler uma porrada de livros tipo “como fazer amigos” e “como se divertir em festas”. Hoje em dia leva mais de 30 minutos pra uma mulher que ela está dando em cima perguntar, “então você é nerd?” Ela trabalha no mesmo departamento que passou em concurso público há 20 anos e toda sexta à noite bebe exatamente 1 drinque no mesmo bar depois do expediente. Quando alguém tem treta com a namorada e precisa de um ombro pra chorar é pra ela que telefonam, ela tem fama de gente boa e com juízo. Devilgirl, com asas grandes e chifres de cabra. * Tipo sanguíneo: O * Cocktail favorito: Manhattan

 
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from @westphalianheretic@wordsmith.social

Short info about this blog: I recently learned that spunk is usually a colloquial word for human male ejaculate. Well, that's not what I wanted to refer to. Spunk is also a word that Pippi Langstrumpf / Pippi Longstocking uses for objects she spins fantasies about, in the outdated children's stories by Swedish author Astrid Lindgren.

That's why I changed it to westphalianheretic now. This will as well effect any links to this blog.

 
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from Lorbeerbund

Layla

Die Stoffe, die uns tragen

Der Duft von neuem Stoff und Desinfektionsmittel lag in der Luft des Kaufhauses. Layla stand vor dem Tisch mit den Restposten, ihre Finger streiften sanft über den schweren Jersey eines schlichten grauen Kleides. Es war genau das, wonach sie gesucht hatte: dezent, langärmlig, preiswert. Ein zufriedenes Lächeln spielte um ihre Lippen.

„Entschuldigung, könnten Sie vielleicht…“ begann eine scharfe Stimme hinter ihr.

Layla drehte sich um. Vor ihr standen zwei Frauen, beide in ihren späten Zwanzigern, modisch in engen Jeans und blassweißen Sneakers, makellos geschminkt, die Haare in sorgfältigen Wellen. Die eine, eine Blondine, hielt bereits den Zeigefinger erhoben.

„Sie blockieren hier den ganzen Tisch“, fuhr sie fort. Ihre Begleiterin, eine Brünette mit strengem Pferdeschwanz, nickte energisch. „Man kann kaum rankommen. Und überhaupt –“ ihr Blick wanderte über Laylas hellrosafarbenes Kopftuch und den langen Mantel – „wenn man schon so viel Stoff braucht, sollte man vielleicht nicht den Sale-Bereich belagern.“

Laylas Gesicht behielt seinen freundlich neutralen Ausdruck. „Ich bin gleich fertig“, sagte sie ruhig auf Deutsch, mit nur leichtem Akzent, und wandte sich wieder den Waren zu. „Das Kleid hier ist perfekt.“

„Das? Das ist ja sackartig!“ Die Brünette lachte spitz. „Sofia, sieh mal. Total formlos.“

Sofia, die Blondine, musterte Layla nun mit einer Mischung aus Ärger und einer seltsamen Neugier. „Wissen Sie, wir meinen das gar nicht böse. Es ist nur… man integriert sich doch besser, wenn man sich auch anpasst. So etwas wie Ihr Kopftuch, das schürt doch nur Vorurteile.“

Layla nahm das graue Kleid vom Stapel. Ihr Gesicht war wie eine ruhige Wasseroberfläche, die die Steine der Unhöflichkeit einfach aufnahm, ohne Wellen zu werfen. „Dieser Stoff ist sehr hochwertig“, erwiderte sie, als hätte die Frau von Material und nicht von Integration gesprochen. „Er trägt sich gut und hält lange. Manchmal ist mehr Stoff auch mehr Wert.“

Sie wollte gehen, doch Sofia trat einen Schritt zur Seite und blockierte unauffällig den Weg. „Wir wollen Ihnen doch nur helfen. Clara und ich arbeiten im Marketing, wir wissen, wie Wahrnehmung funktioniert. So wie Sie auftreten… das wirkt einfach verschlossen.“

In Laylas Augen blitzte etwas auf – nicht Ärger, sondern ein fast müdes Erkennen. Sie sah von einer zur anderen, diese beiden gepflegten Gesichter, erfüllt von der Gewissheit ihrer eigenen Richtigkeit. Plötzlich schien eine Entscheidung in ihr zu reifen.

„Wahrnehmung“, wiederholte sie leise. Dann, mit einer sanften, doch bestimmten Stimme: „Sie haben recht. Vielleicht sehen wir Dinge nur aus einer Perspektive. Meine Tante ist Stoffhändlerin. Sie sagt immer: Um einen Stoff wirklich zu verstehen, muss man ihn von beiden Seiten betrachten, die Webart spüren, die Faser kennen.“

Clara zog eine Augenbraue hoch. „Was hat das mit…“

„Ich fliege übermorgen zu meiner Familie nach Marokko“, unterbrach Layla sie, und ihre Worte kamen nun schneller, als folgte sie einem plötzlichen Impuls. „Geschäftlich, für meine Tante. Ich habe zwei Tickets. Meine Begleiterin ist erkrankt.“ Sie machte eine kleine Pause. „Sie könnten mitkommen. Eine Woche. Sie könnten sehen, woher… dieser Stoff kommt.“

Stille. Sofia und Clara tauschten einen ungläubigen Blick aus. Dann begann Clara zu lachen. „Sind Sie verrückt? Wir haben Jobs! Termine!“

„Ich biete Ihnen eine andere Perspektive an“, sagte Layla einfach. „Und vielleicht finden Sie auf dem Basar Stoffe, von denen Ihre Marketingabteilung nur träumen kann. Echte Handwerkskunst.“

Etwas in ihrer ruhigen Sicherheit ließ das Lachen von Clara verstummen. Sofia biss sich auf die Unterlippe. „Marokko… das ist doch recht sicher, oder?“

„So sicher wie jede Großstadt. Und ich kenne mich aus.“ Layla griff in ihre Tasche, zog zwei schlichte Visitenkarten heraus. „Hier. Denken Sie darüber nach. Mein Flug geht Donnerstag, 7 Uhr morgens. Falls Sie kommen: Terminal 2, Schalter 45.“

Sie ließ die Karten in Sofias überraschte Hand gleiten, nahm ihr graues Kleid und ging mit einem letzten, versöhnlichen Nicken davon. Ihre Ruhe wirkte wie ein unsichtbarer Mantel.


Donnerstag, 6:45 Uhr. Terminal 2. Layla, in einem praktischen Reise-Outfit und einem olivfarbenen Kopftuch, stand am Check-in-Schalter. Sie blickte nicht um sich. Entweder sie kamen oder nicht.

„Sie sind tatsächlich hier!“ Die Stimme klang atemlos. Hinter ihr standen Sofia und Clara, mit übergroßen Koffern und auffallend heller Freizeitkleidung. Beide wirkten nervös, aufgeregt und ein wenig übernächtigt.

„Wir haben Urlaub genommen“, erklärte Clara, als wolle sie sich selbst rechtfertigen. „Eine Chance für exotische Fotomotive. Für unseren Instagram-Account.“

Layla lächelte. „Willkommen. Bitte halten Sie Ihre Pässe bereit.“

Der Flug war unauffällig. Sofia und Clara blätterten durch Hochglanzmagazine über Marokko, voller Bilder von luxuriösen Riads und Sonnenuntergängen in der Wüste. Layla las ein Buch über textile Muster des Mittleren Ostens.

In Marrakesch angekommen, schlug ihnen eine Welle aus Hitze, Gerüchen und Geräuschen entgegen. Der Transfer zur Medina verlief chaotisch, das Taxi war klapprig, die Straßen überfüllt. Clara krümmte sich vor dem Fenster, als ein Motorrad mit drei Personen haarscharf vorbeischoss.

Die Unterkunft war nicht das erwartete Luxus-Hotel, sondern ein traditionelles Riad, versteckt in einem labyrinthischen Gässchen. Es war schön, aber einfach. „Wo ist der Pool?“ fragte Sofia enttäuscht, als ihnen der Besitzer, ein älterer Mann mit freundlichen Augen, ihren schmucklosen Hof zeigte.

„Der Pool ist die Teestunde auf der Terrasse“, antwortete Layla ruhig. „Und der Blick in den Himmel zwischen den Mauern.“

Am nächsten Morgen kündigte Layla an, sie würden auf den Souk gehen. „Ziehen Sie etwas an, das Schultern und Knie bedeckt. Und bringen Sie einen großen Schal mit.“

Proteste folgten. „Es sind 35 Grad!“ jammerte Clara in ihren Shorts und Tanktop.

„Der Schal ist für die Sonne. Und für den Respekt.“ Laylas Ton ließ keinen Widerspruch zu. Widerwillig zogen die beiden Frauen leichte Blusen und lange Hosen an.

Der Basar war eine Offenbarung und eine Überwältigung. Ein Strom aus Farben, Rufen, dem Duft von Gewürzen, Leder und Kameldung. Händler riefen sie an, Kinder liefen zwischen den Beinen hindurch, Eselskarren zwängten sich durch die Menge. Sofia und Clara klammerten sich aneinander, ihre Augen weit aufgerissen. Layla dagegen bewegte sich mit einer anmutigen Gelassenheit durch das Chaos, als wäre sie ein Teil dieser organischen Maschine.

Vor einem Stoffladen blieb sie stehen. Berge von Seide, Baumwolle, Leinen türmten sich darin. Ein älterer Händler mit einem verschmitzten Gesicht begrüßte sie mit ausgebreiteten Armen. „Layla! Tochter meiner Freundin! Willkommen!“

Sie wechselten freundschaftliche Begrüßungen auf Arabisch. Dann begann Layla, Stoffe zu mustern, fühlte sie zwischen den Fingern, hielt sie gegen das Licht. Sie verhandelte um einen Ballen indigoblauer handgewebter Baumwolle, ihr Deutsch wechselte fließend in Arabisch, ihre Gesten waren ruhig und bestimmt. Der Händler schien zu schimpfen, lachte dann und nannte einen neuen Preis. Layla lächelte, schüttelte den Kopf und nannte ihren. Schließlich einigten sie sich mit einem Händedruck.

„Das war beeindruckend“, murmelte Sofia, die kaum etwas verstanden hatte. „Aber er hat dich fast übers Ohr gehauen!“

„Das ist der Tanz“, sagte Layla. „Jeder muss sein Gesicht wahren. Der Anfangspreis ist nie ernst gemeint. Es geht um den Austausch, nicht nur um das Geschäft.“

Sie führte sie weiter, kaufte Arganöl, Datteln, kleine Keramikschalen. Immer verhandelte sie, immer mit derselben ruhigen Freundlichkeit. Langsam begannen Sofia und Clara zu begreifen, dass Laylas „Verschlossenheit“ in Wahrheit eine tiefe Vertrautheit mit den Codes dieser Welt war – Codes, die ihnen völlig fremd waren.

Der Wendepunkt kam am dritten Tag. Sie wollten eine historische Medersa besichtigen. Vor dem Eingang wies der Wächter barsch auf Clara, deren Bluse trotz der langen Ärmel einen Zentimeter zu tief ausgeschnitten war. „Nicht angemessen“, sagte er in gebrochenem Französisch. Ein kleines Publikum begann sich zu sammeln, Blicke wurden unangenehm intensiv.

Clara errötete vor Scham und Wut. „Das ist lächerlich!“

Layla trat vor. Ohne ein Wort nahm sie den großen Schal, den sie immer bei sich trug, und wickelte ihn kunstvoll um Claras Oberkörper und Kopf, sodass ihr Ausschnitt verdeckt wurde, das Ensemble aber fast wie eine modische Stola wirkte. „So“, sagte sie leise. „Jetzt sind wir alle angemessen.“

In dem Moment, als der schwere Stoff ihre Haare und Schultern bedeckte, geschah etwas Merkwürdiges mit Clara. Die aufgeregte Scham wich. Die neugierigen Blicke der Umstehenden prallten an der neuen Barriere ab. Sie fühlte sich nicht eingesperrt, sondern, zu ihrem eigenen Erstaunen, geschützt. Sie atmete tief durch. „Okay. Gehen wir.“

In der Medersa, in der Stille des Innenhofs mit seinem komplexen Mosaik, sprach Sofia leise zu Layla. „Das mit dem Schal… ist das immer so? Dass man sich beobachtet fühlt?“

Layla betrachtete eine Wand voller geometrischer Ornamente. „Man ist immer sichtbar. Als Frau, als Fremde, als Gast. Der Unterschied ist, ob man die Sichtbarkeit kontrollieren kann. Manchmal ist ein Schleier nicht ein Käfig, sondern ein Raum, den man selbst definiert. Er sagt: Du siehst nur, was ich dir zu sehen gebe.“

Die Worte hingen in der heißen Luft. Sofia sagte nichts, aber ihr Blick war nachdenklich geworden.

Am Abend, beim Tee auf der Riad-Terrasse, schlug Layla vor: „Morgen besuchen wir einen besonderen Markt außerhalb der Stadt. Für diesen Markt schlage ich vor, dass ihr beide etwas Traditionelleres anzieht. Es wird respektvoller aufgenommen und… einfacher für uns alle.“

„Traditioneller?“, fragte Clara misstrauisch.

„Ich habe zwei Abayas und Niqabs von meiner Tante hier. Sie sind leicht, luftig. Man wird euch in Ruhe lassen. Ihr könnt einfach… beobachten.“

Sofias erster Impuls war, abzulehnen. Doch die Erinnerung an die belastenden Blicke, an das Gefühl der Ausstellung am Vortag, war frisch. Und etwas in Laylas Vorschlag klang nicht wie eine Bevormundung, sondern wie ein Angebot für eine Waffenruhe. Ein Tag ohne bewertende Augen.

„Ein Experiment“, sagte Sofia schließlich, mit einem schiefen Lächeln zu Clara. „Für den Instagram-Account. ‚Verhüllte Perspektiven‘ oder so.“

Clara zögerte, dann zuckte sie mit den Schultern. „Warum nicht. Ein Tag im Kostüm.“


Als sie sich am nächsten Morgen ankleideten, war die Atmosphäre anfangs fast locker. Die schwarzen Abayas aus leichter Baumwolle waren tatsächlich angenehm kühl. Doch als sie die Niqabs anlegten – die Gesichtsschleier, die nur einen schmalen Schlitz für die Augen freiließen –, kam eine beklemmende Stille auf.

Die Welt schrumpfte auf einen Tunnelblick. Ihr Atem hallte leise in dem Stoff vor ihrem Mund wider. Die eigenen Geräusche wurden lauter, die der Außenwelt gedämpft. Als sie sich im Spiegel sahen, waren sie nicht wiederzuerkennen. Zwei anonyme, schwarze Gestalten.

„Ich fühle mich… unsichtbar“, flüsterte Clara, und ihre Stimme klang gedämpft und fremd.

„Nein“, korrigierte Layla sanft. Sie stand in ihrer gewohnten Kleidung, einem langen Kleid und einem hellen Kopftuch, daneben. „Ihr seid sichtbar als respektvolle Frauen. Aber euer Privates – eure Haut, eure Haare, eure unmittelbaren Reaktionen – die sind unsichtbar. Das ist der Unterschied.“

Der Markt lag in einer kleinen Stadt am Rande des Atlasgebirges. Er war weniger touristisch, ein Ort für den lokalen Bedarf. Und hier geschah die Verwandlung.

In ihren vollständigen Verhüllungen wurden Sofia und Clara nicht mehr angegafft, nicht mehr angesprochen, nicht mehr als Ziel für Händler oder neugierige Blicke auserkoren. Sie waren wie Geister, die durch die Menge glitten. Anfangs war es befremdlich, dann befreiend. Sie konnten die lebendigen Szenen beobachten, ohne selbst Teil der Szene zu sein: die Frauen, die gemeinsam lachten, die Männer, die ernsthaft über Schafpreise verhandelten, die Kinder, die zwischen den Ständen spielten.

Layla führte sie zu einem Stoffhändler, einem Mann mit einem weisen Gesicht und ruhigen Händen. Hier sollte das eigentliche Geschäft stattfinden. Sie stellte ihre beiden Begleiterinnen vor als „geschätzte Geschäftspartnerinnen aus Europa, die die Qualität unserer Stoffe schätzen lernen“. Der Händler nickte ihnen ernst zu, ohne Anflug von Aufdringlichkeit.

Dann begann Layla zu verhandeln. Nicht um ein Kleid, sondern um eine ganze Kollektion handgewebter Decken für ein europäisches Modelabel, das Sofia und Clara tatsächlich kannten. Die Zahlen, die flogen, waren beträchtlich. Laylas Stimme war die ganze Zeit ruhig, freundlich, aber von einem eisernen Kern durchzogen. Sie zitierte Webtechniken, Faserherkunft, den Zeitaufwand. Der Händler argumentierte mit Seltenheit und Familientradition.

Sofia und Clara standen reglos da. Durch die schmalen Sehschlitze ihrer Niqabs sahen sie nur Layla – wie sie da stand, die Verkörperung von Kompetenz und Respekt in dieser Welt, die sie, die „modernen“ Frauen, bisher nur als Kulisse für ihre Abenteuer gesehen hatten. Sie verstanden plötzlich, dass die Frau, die sie im Sale-Bereich belächelt und belehrt hatten, hier eine Macht war. Eine Brücke zwischen Welten. Und sie, in ihren schwarzen Hüllen, waren stumme Schülerinnen in ihrem Schatten.

Die Verhandlung zog sich hin. Die Sonne stand hoch. Unter ihren Abayas begannen sie zu schwitzen. Die anfängliche Befreiung schlug langsam in ein Gefühl der Abhängigkeit um. Sie konnten nichts sagen, nichts tun. Sie waren vollständig auf Layla angewiesen. Und in dieser Abhängigkeit wuchs etwas Neues: Demut. Und ein schmerzhaft klares Verständnis dafür, wie oberflächlich ihr eigenes Urteil im Kaufhaus gewesen war.

Schließlich, nach einer gefühlten Ewigkeit, war ein Deal gemacht. Händedruck. Lächeln. Der Händler bot Tee an.

Als sie in einer ruhigen Ecke des Marktes saßen, die dampfenden Gläser vor sich, sprach Layla leise zu ihnen. „Jetzt versteht ihr vielleicht. Diese Kleidung“, sie deutete auf ihre eigene, „ist meine Entscheidung. Sie verbindet mich mit meiner Familie, meinem Glauben, meiner Kultur. Sie ist nicht weniger frei als Ihre Jeans. Sie ist nur anders frei. Im Westen bedeutet Freiheit oft, alles zeigen zu dürfen. Hier kann Freiheit auch bedeuten, etwas für sich behalten zu dürfen.“

Sie nahm einen Schluck Tee. „Ihr habt heute die Freiheit der Unsichtbarkeit erlebt. Und die Macht der Sichtbarkeit auf meine Art gesehen.“

Clara, ihre Stimme noch immer durch den Stoff gedämpft, sagte: „Es ist… anstrengend. So zu sein.“

„Ja“, gab Layla zu. „Manchmal ist es das. So wie es anstrengend sein kann, immer perfekt gestylt und bewertet zu sein. Jede Wahl hat ihren Preis.“

Am letzten Tag ihres Aufenthalts, auf dem großen Haupt-Basar von Marrakesch, spielte sich die finale Szene ab. Layla hatte eine letzte Verhandlung für ihre Tante zu führen, um seltene Seidenfäden. Sofia und Clara, die inzwischen ihre eigenen, weniger umhüllenden aber dennoch respektvollen Kleider trugen, begleiteten sie.

Vor dem Stand des Händlers jedoch überraschte Layla sie. Sie zog zwei Bündel aus ihrer großen Tasche. Es waren die beiden schwarzen Abayas und Niqabs vom Vortag.

„Für heute“, sagte sie mit ihrem freundlich neutralen Gesichtsausdruck, „würde ich vorschlagen, dass ihr diese wieder anlegt. Dieser Händler ist sehr traditionell. Er wird mit mir, einer alleinstehenden Frau, nur unter bestimmten Bedingungen verhandeln. Wenn ihr als meine… Schwestern auftretet, unter unserem Schutz, wird er es als Zeichen des Respekts sehen. Es wird den Weg ebnen.“

Es war keine Forderung. Es war eine Tatsache. Und nach den Erfahrungen der letzten Tage gab es keinen Protest mehr. Schweigend, mit einer neuen, fast zeremoniellen Ernsthaftigkeit, halfen sich die Frauen gegenseitig, die schwarzen Gewänder anzulegen. Der Stoff fiel vertraut über sie hinweg, verschluckte ihre Konturen, ihre Individualität. Sie wurden wieder zu den zwei anonymen, schwarzen Gestalten.

Layla stand vor ihnen, in ihrem sandfarbenen Kleid und dem kupferfarbenen Kopftuch, ihr Gesicht zufrieden, versöhnlich und freundlich neutral. So, wie sie im Kaufhaus gestanden hatte. Nur dass die Machtverhältnisse sich umgekehrt hatten. Sie war der Anker. Sie war die Führerin.

„Folgt mir“, sagte sie ruhig.

Sie traten an den Stand. Der Händler, ein ernster Mann mit grauem Bart, musterte die Gruppe. Seine Augen blieben auf Layla haften, nickten dann anerkennend, als er die beiden verschleierten Frauen hinter ihr sah. Die Verhandlung begann.

Layla verhandelte ruhig und bestimmt. Sie zeigte Musterbücher, diskutierte Farbbeständigkeit, Lotgrößen. Ihre Stimme war melodisch, aber unnachgiebig. Sofia und Clara standen schweigend und vollverschleiert hinter ihr. Sie beobachteten durch ihre Sehschlitze, wie diese Frau, die sie einst für unterdrückt und rückständig gehalten hatten, souverän eine geschäftliche Welt navigierte, die ihnen völlig verschlossen war.

Sie hörten den Respekt in der Stimme des Händlers. Sie sahen, wie sich zwei Welten auf Augenhöhe begegneten – durch Layla. Und in ihrem Schweigen, in ihrer freiwilligen Verhüllung, war keine Demütigung, sondern eine tiefe Lektion. Sie verstanden endlich, dass wahre Autorität nicht von der Kleidung kommt, die man trägt, sondern von einer inneren Wahrhaftigkeit und dem Wissen um den Wert dessen, was hinter den Oberflächen der Welt verborgen bleibt.

Der Handel wurde besiegelt. Als sie sich vom Stand entfernten, blieb Layla einen Moment stehen und wandte sich halb zu ihren Begleiterinnen um. Ihr Gesicht war immer noch ruhig, aber in ihren Augen stand ein warmes Licht.

„Danke“, sagte sie einfach. „Für euren Respekt.“

Auf dem Rückflug schwiegen Sofia und Clara lange. Die Hochglanzmagazine blieben unberührt in der Ablage. Als das Flugzeug über den Alpen kreiste, sagte Sofia leise: „Ich werde nie wieder jemanden anhand seiner Kleidung beurteilen.“

Clara nickte. „Ich habe gedacht, wir würden ihr unsere Welt zeigen. Dabei hat sie uns ihre gezeigt. Und sie ist so viel komplexer.“

Sie blickten nach vorn, wo Layla schlief, ihr Kopf leicht an die Fensterscheibe gelehnt, ihr Kopftuch ein sanfter Schatten im gedimmten Licht der Kabine. Sie sah aus wie am ersten Tag: zufrieden, versöhnlich, freundlich neutral. Doch für die beiden Frauen hinter ihr war sie nicht mehr die Unbekannte im Sale-Bereich. Sie war die Frau, die sie durch einen Spiegel in eine andere Welt geführt hatte – eine Welt, in der ein Stoff nie nur ein Stoff ist, sondern ein Zeichen, ein Schutz, eine Sprache und manchmal eine Brücke.

 
Weiterlesen...

from zhang.dianli

I have a simple thought experiment. Yes, I know it's borrowed from cinema, but the films it has been borrowed from both tack on a happy ending that misses, to my mind, the critical point.

Billionaires are by definition greedy assholes.¹

But do you have proof!?

It's not proof, as such. It's a thought experiment; more an invitation to analysis than a formal proof of any kind.

So how does this work?

Well, OK, this is where it gets cinematic. If you've ever seen either of the movies Brewster's Million or Brewster's Millions you've got the gist of it already. All I'm doing is stripping away the story-telling shenanigans and the gratuitous happy ending. So...

I'm going to give you a million dollars.

Wow! Thanks!

Not literally. Thought. Experiment. Pretend I've given you a million dollars.

OK... Thanks. I guess.

Now the thing is you have to spend it all today. And all on yourself. Buy your heart's desire. As long as you spend every cent of that million dollars today.

OK! That's easy! I'm going to buy...

...a car, a house, a nice collection of outfits and a wardrobe to put it in, right? Plus all the high quality equipment you've longed for in your hobby. And, Hell, why not?, you're going to throw a massive “all my friends are invited” party.

Was I close?

...well, maybe.

Good. You've spent your million. Anybody who has any imagination at all can spend their million in no time flat. There's a place tucked away in most people's head where they dream of what they'd do with a million dollars (or equivalent local currency).

So ... next day rolls around. You're enjoying the things you bought (though things like the house you're having built may take a while to actually live in—you can enjoy the visions in your head in the mean time). I come up to you again. And I give you another million dollars.

You what now?

You heard me. You have another million dollars. You have to spend it today.

What happens if I don't?

You don't want to know. Imagine the worst thing that could ever befall you. That's what I'll do to you.

Well, luckily I've got loads of stuff I want to buy!

We usually do. So day two is over. You've spent two million dollars in two days. And next day I'm there, like bad breath after a night of drinking. And you've got another million dollars.

...

And another the day after that. And the day after that. And the day after that. And the day after that.

... That's a lot ...

And the day after that. And the day after that. And the day after that.

...

...

How many days could you keep this up? Spending a million dollars a day? Seven days? A month if you're really good at this? How long will it take for you to have enough? How long before spending a million dollars a day becomes more a chore than a joy? How long until you get so overrun with things that your life feels joyless and empty? How many cars do you need to own? How many houses? How much clothing? How many fine wines, cigars, teas, or whatever else you fancy? How long until it's ENOUGH for you?

Honestly I don't think I'd last more than two weeks before I was set for life!

Right. Most normal people wouldn't know what to do past a month at the outside. (That's what the movie Brewster's Millions was about, after all: Brewster had no idea what to do after a while with 30 million dollars that had to be spent in 30 days.)

But ... tough.

Because you keep getting a million dollars a day. You have to spend that million dollars each and every day or the worst thing you can think of happening to you happens.

Day after day after day I come to your door, looming in the threshold, giving you a million dollars. Day after day after day you have to buy a million dollars of things, spent only on yourself.

There's no respite. There's no end. Your daily chore, your entire existence, is finding ways to spend a million dollars on yourself. And this goes on for almost two years and nine months. (Two years and 270 days, to be more precise.) Then, finally, it mercifully stops.

Because you've finally spent one billion dollars, one million dollars at a time daily.

... What, really?!

Yes. Really. To spend a billion dollars at a ludicrous rate of a million dollars per day you'd need close to three years. And this is assuming you're not somehow making money in that time. That you're just spending that one billion.

After 2.75 years—almost three years—you've been likely driven to near-madness (or perhaps even been driven over the brink) by the burden of just spending that money.

Yeah ... that's ...

And a billionaire is a person for whom that amount of money isn't enough.


¹ Hot take, I know. Very radical.

 
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from verity's correspondance book

Another mind-bending mystery from the author of Strange Pictures... This time, old house plans reveal something very odd linking two separate houses and a mysterious death. Uketsu does 'unsettling' right: the sinister implications that the two main characters uncover does all the work without any linguistic fanfare. Along with diagrams of the floor plans in question, this makes Strange Houses really quite accessible – which seems deliberate [1]

It's set up for a shocking, unusual reveal, though I still found it hard to suspend disbelief. Still, worth reading for the creeping atmosphere.

For me, it brings back memories of a misspent youth seeking out the creepiest horror comics/manga/novels, and occasionally finding something that sticks with you for a long time.

https://www.telegraph.co.uk/books/what-to-read/uketsu-strange-pictures-richard-osman-horror-japan/

#horror #books

 
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from verity's correspondance book

A woman on a night out gets stuck in Charing Cross station with someone/something murderous. Apropos for a station with abandoned platforms and tracks used for training. We have a classic Karen screaming main character, yet again, generally recognised even by critics to be unlikeable.

I do enjoy the environment though – the Underground has plenty of mysteries and perils all on its own even without a serial killer on the loose.

#horror #film

 
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from verity's correspondance book

Found footage/mockumentary – a film maker and cameraman crew get locekd in with the inhabitants of a doomed apartment building. We have here a rather panicky, shouty protagonist with a sidekick who truly deserves the Nobel Peace Prize. The horror itself: classic base under siege material. People turn on each other as they try to make it out, so on and so forth.

Essentially this is Train to Busan in a building.

#film #horror #foundfootage

 
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