Did I fall for the elaborate scam, even when I had a inkling that it likely is? – Update – I did.

Coming back from office yesterday (9th April) evening around 8.30 pm, as usual, I had my earphones plugged in listening to a podcast. I was just 10-15 minutes away from home walking on the footpath. A man approached with a usual pitiable expressions and said something in frail voice, which I couldn't understand as I had earphones in, and being apathetic that I am, I just passed by ignoring. After going few steps ahead I thought let's just check if he needs monies or information or something else. If he asks for money, I am out. I can try to help with information.

Once upon time, when I was waiting at a bus-stand, I had dodged a scam by offering to get a man a meal when he claimed to have stuck in Bengluru who refused the meal after walking with me for few minutes towards a restaurant. Point being, I was kind of ready and confident that I can dodge these kinds.

So I went back, he was around the same place only, but I noticed a woman and a girl child with him. I asked him “What? What do you need?” He said, “Hindi, hum marathi, hindi samazega kya?” (Here onward we spoke in Marathi only, following is English translation.) Me: “ohh, then let's talk in Marathi only. I can understand.” He: “wow, you have met like a god, no one here is understanding the language or helping. We had came a couple of weeks back here from Hyderabad and we worked at the construction site for last two weeks but contractor betrayed and is not paying a dime. It is now not possible to feed ourselves here, we are going back home but do not have means to carry out the long journey.” The accent seemed little familiar. Me: “Where do you want to go?” He: “Washim, Akola.” Now, to give a little context, Washim is just an hour drive from my hometown and thus I know area a little too well. I am at least familiar with major town names, have directional sense. I immediately thought to myself, how coincidental? Maybe I can probe more and make sure about the details. But being from nearby area there was already the development of a soft corner. He was winning, without even trying. Moreover, having traveled multiple times by train I know the how hectic and long the journey can be. It is a more than 24 hrs and there is no daily direct train to Washim. Me: “Where in Washim?” He: “Aasegaon Pen” I had in recent past visited Lonar crater and coincidentally a family friends in-laws are from a village named Maslaa Pen. That village was basically in-route from the Lonar to hometown. So I remembered the name well. Me: “Is it near Maslaa Pen?” (Because of same suffix, that was an obvious guess) He: “Yes, there is Karkhana (factory) there”. There was puzzled look on his face, probably saying, how do you know so better. Me: “I am from Pusad” They all got relieved hearing that. He reiterated that I have met him like a god ( now I think that could have worked too well). He: “I am embarrassed to even beg like this with (in front) of wife and a child. Never thought I will have to see this day.” And few more lines on the same line. The woman also pitched in now. She: “My sister was given to (married to a guy from) Kali Tembhi, but after her passing away we are estranged now. There is not much connection. (My guess, Kali Tembhi is supposed to be nearby Pusad, I am not particularly aware, there are multiple Kali nearby.) I think, by this time, I had already decided subconsciously to help, but still wanted to do more checks. Me: “So how are you going to go now?” He: “There is a train to Nanded at 11.” Me: “Hmm, it will take 24 hrs to reach” He: “Yes. Then from there another train to Washim and then bus to Aasegaon Pen” Me: “We have family friends from Maslaa pen, surname is Deshmukh” I got my phone out and searched for Aasegaon Pen on google maps. It showed around where I had hoped it would, and I also searched for Maslaa Pen and it was nearby, the details were checking out. I asked for the phone number, he gave a number, I called that number, that rang but it wasn't his handset. No one answered. That was a red-flag. He said, he might have made a mistake. Then he asked for my number and rang my number. I asked if he has UPI, he said he does not. I still copied the number and checked on the Gpay, and at least it was not registered there. I asked for name – he said – “Sunil Pawar”. Now I have saved this as 'Sunil Pawar Scammer? Aasegaon Pen', and the number is 9075998790. He: “See help as you can.” He did not specifically ask for money or food or anything. Seeing that it is already around 9pm and train scheduled around 11.30pm, it was not prudent to offer dinner at some nearby restaurant, cause in here, it takes at least 1.5 hrs to reach railway station by city bus. I was still not so sure, and I remembered I only have a couple of hundred rupees notes in my pocket. He repeated the same sentence again a couple of times. The woman chiked in that it is already late and they need to reach station also. This was a case of 'an appeal to urgency' I did spot that and it did raise a red flag in my mind but I guess the my emotional self had already took over, I took out the pocket got 2 notes out. Told them I have only this much right now. I was kind of glad also and guilty at the same time, I wasn't so sure of my decision. Gave him the notes, told him I will call you to check if you reached. I immediately took the leave, thinking about the encounter. I thought, even if fraudster ₹200 is not going to kill me and make him millionaire, anyday better than indirectly giving away to some Vantara island. Make-believe to feel better about oneself. ₹200 in (अक्कल खातं) learning account.

I did call that number a day later and later 2 times also, it rings but no answer. I was earlier not inclined to put out the number in the post, but I guess I don't care about the privacy of the individual.

Mercedes-Benz Aracınızı Neden Sıradan Bir Tamirciye Teslim Etmemelisiniz?

Otomotiv dünyasında teknoloji o kadar hızlı ilerliyor ki, geleneksel tamir mantığı artık iflas etmiş durumda. Özellikle bir Mercedes W205 (C Serisi) veya W213 (E Serisi) kullanıcısıysanız, aracınızın aslında tekerlekleri olan devasa bir bilgisayar ağı (CAN-bus sistemi) olduğunu bilmelisiniz.

Mekanikten Elektroniğe Geçiş

Eskiden bir arıza olduğunda usta motoru dinler ve sorunu bulurdu. Bugün ise durum çok farklı. Örneğin, dizel bir Mercedes'te AdBlue sistemi veya NOx sensörü en ufak bir hata verdiğinde, motor kendini korumaya alır ve aracı çalıştıramazsınız. 9G-Tronic şanzımanınız vites atarken hafif bir vuruntu yapıyorsa, sorun dişlilerde değil, şanzıman kontrol ünitesindeki (TCM) bir yazılım adaptasyon kaybında olabilir.

Bu tür sorunları çözmek için elinizde İngiliz anahtarından çok, gelişmiş yazılımlara ve lisanslı donanımlara ihtiyaç vardır. “Arıza lambasını söndür, yola devam et” mantığı, lüks segment araçlarda geri dönülmez ve on binlerce liralık beyin hasarlarına yol açar.

Nokta Atışı Teşhis ve Doğru Müdahale

İşte bu yüzden, Ankara'da Mercedes'iniz için bir servis ararken dikkat etmeniz gereken en önemli kriter, servisin teknolojik altyapısıdır. Küresel otomotiv parçalarının en büyük üreticilerinden biri olan Bosch'un standartlarını taşıyan bir servis, aracınızın dilinden en iyi anlayan yerdir.

Orijinal Bosch KTS arıza teşhis cihazları kullanarak, tahmine yer bırakmayan, nokta atışı çözümler sunan ve gereksiz parça değişimlerinin önüne geçen Mercedes Bosch Servis Ankara hizmetleri, aracınızın yazılımını ve donanımını korumanın en akılcı yoludur. Yüksek mühendislik ürünü olan aracınızı, o mühendisliğin gerektirdiği donanımla buluşturun.

Mercedes-Benz Aracınızı Neden Sıradan Bir Tamirciye Teslim Etmemelisiniz?

संदिप खरेंची माफी मागून सादर करीतो

#विडंबन प्रत्येकाच्या घरामध्ये एक तरी (भोंदू)बाबा प्रत्येकाच्या डोक्यावरती घेतला त्याने ताबा प्रत्येकाच्या जीवनामध्ये कुठली तरी चिंता प्रत्येकाच्या डोक्यामध्ये कसला तरी गुंंता प्रत्येकाच्या पत्रामध्ये दोषारोप नशीबा

प्रत्येकाच्या डोक्यामध्ये ओसंडून भक्ती प्रत्येकाच्या प्रश्नावर लगेच यांची उक्ती प्रत्येकाच्या व्याधींकरता यांच्याकडे थांबा

प्रत्येकाच्या आश्रमी उत्पादनांची जंत्री प्रत्येकाच्या खिशाला स्वतःहून कात्री प्रत्येकाच्या तर्कावर यांच्या उलट्या बोंबा

फिटावेत जर तरी शब्दांचे देणे एक तरी विडंबन असे लिहावे बहाणे प्रत्येकाच्या पानी कशी विशुद्ध प्रतिभा?

Securing the Future of Real Estate Investments in Türkiye 🇹🇷

Managing a global real estate portfolio requires more than just acquisition; it demands a sophisticated understanding of local judicial review and market dynamics.

At Pi Legal Consultancy (PiLC), we have published a comprehensive deep dive on Medium regarding Rent Determination Lawsuits (Kira Tespit Davası). This is an essential tool for landlords to align their income with current market values after the 5-year legal cap is lifted.

Key Takeaways for Investors:

Mandatory Mediation: Understanding the procedural requirements effective since September 2023.

Court Valuations: How judges calculate fair market value while applying “equity discounts” for long-term tenants.

Strategic Representation: Why working with a specialized real estate dispute lawyer is critical for international owners.

Authored by our award-winning team, currently serving as a consultant for the European Commission and a partner for the World Bank Group.

Explore the full roadmap on Medium: 🔗 https://medium.com/@pilclawturkey/protecting-your-investment-a-comprehensive-guide-to-rent-determination-lawsuits-in-t%C3%BCrkiye-322d046abd70?postPublishedType=initial

#PiLC #InternationalLaw #RealEstateDispute #InvestmentStrategy #TurkeyLaw #Wordsmith #LegalWriting

Long time no write! This is a blog to publish updates on my projects, so that's exactly what I'll do here.

Regex engine

Right now I'm writing a fast regular expression search engine in Rust. In case the reader doesn't know what a regular expression is, they allow specifying some rules about what some text should look like (e.g., think “starts with H”, “has 5 letters”), and then you can reason whether a text follows them (like the words “Hello” or “Hopes” do), or search for strings fulfilling the rules within a larger text. In our case, the regular expression to specify these rules would be H[A-Za-z]{4} (“H” followed by 4 letters).

There are quite a few software libraries that implement regular expressions in Rust. To name a few:

• regex: the most widely used, pretty fast.
• fancy-regex: supports more features.
• regexr: tries to get the best of both worlds, fastest implementation.
• resharp: quite custom-built, fast implementation.

I ran a benchmark consisting on generating various lengths of random sequences of A, C, G and T and then searching for all (possibly overlapping) matches of the regex ATG([^T]..|T([CT].|G[^A]|A[CT]))*T(A[AG]|GA) (which recognizes possible forward open reading frames). The results are these:

• regex: 8.8 MB/s, slowest.
• resharp: 65 MB/s.
• My crate in progress: 99 MB/s.
• regexr: 222 MB/s, fastest.

If we replace that regex with ATG(...)*?T(A[AG]|GA) (which matches the same regions but uses the lazy *? metacharacter for a more concise representation), then we get:

• regex: 8.8 MB/s.
• resharp: doesn't support that metacharacter.
• My crate in progress: 109 MB/s, fastest.
• regexr: 5.5 MB/s, slowest (why?).

regex and resharp had also the highest overhead, in the hundreds of microseconds, while both regexr and my crate could compile the regex in about 20 microseconds.

I would like to work a bit more on this crate. Specifically:

• Support capture groups, which the other crates do and I think is pretty much an expected feature of any regex library.
• Stabilize it some further. I'm using cargo llvm-cov and cargo mutants, but I may resort to cargo afl to weed out bugs even more aggressively.
• Make it faster. I have some tricks up my sleeve that could manage gains.

Career

I'm working as a Resident Physician in Psychiatry. Also trying to get a Master's degree in Biomedical Engineering. Pretty exciting stuff going on in that front.

Vera, a stats and probability professor gets caught up in what is literally a series of unfortunate events (A Low Probability Event) which changes the world. In what is essentially a post-apocalyptic story, she joins Agent Layne, of the Low Probability Event Commission (LPEC) to investigate the casino they suspect is behind it.

This story works on a scale both cosmic and personal. Like an anti-superhero story, LPEC is a nod at gross government overreach in the name of national security, saving the world, etc.

The first part of the book has some quite graphic depictions of bizarre deaths as a first person account of the Low Probability Event, which nearly put me off reading on. I'm glad I persevered to the end though.

#books #horror #body-horror

Haklarınızı Şansa Değil, Profesyonellere Bırakın

Hukuk, “hallederiz” denilerek geçiştirilemeyecek kadar ciddi bir alandır. Bir davanın kaderi, yazılacak tek bir dilekçenin detaylarında veya kaçırılan küçük bir yasal sürede gizlidir.

Zeki Şimşek Hukuk Bürosu; Aile, Ceza ve Gayrimenkul hukuku alanlarındaki uzmanlığıyla İstanbul'da müvekkillerine şeffaf ve sonuç odaklı avukatlık hizmeti sunuyor. Davanızın büyüklüğü ne olursa olsun, doğru strateji ve etkin savunma ile her zaman bir adım önde olun.

Hukuki sürecinizi güvence altına almak için üsküdar hukuk bürosu sayfamızı ziyaret edin ve profesyonel ekibimizle hemen iletişime geçin.

Once at a Hbf there were some immigrant-looking folk (Turkish, as it turned out) selling traditional candy like, in a super pushy way, and I went talk to them half because I like sweets and half because I like being sweet-talked (hey the latter is a super rare experience in Germany, yes even including salespeople, I knew something was sus with that couple but I like to live dangerously ok. Yes, she was pretty. haterz gonna hate~).

So the lady was like at the top of her game, asked about my country, praised my tattoos, told relatable stories about her own life etc., and she was so bright about showing me the vegan options, and made me try like half a dozen different flavours of halva. (It was genuinely delicious). She was a great conversationalist and I had a pleasant time chatting with her for a long while.

So finally I decided to bring home 10€ in caramel halva. This is where the scam hit: she was already packing it but at the minimum quantity of 100g, which was some ridiculous abusive price, 38€ or something. At this point I wall up and put on my best bimbo face to claim that this 10-buck bill is all I have. It's obvious that it's a lie and she knows that I know that she knows it's a lie, this is a glove slap: I mean what are you gonna do about it, call the cops? So the man of the pair approaches and starts a spiel that they've already cut the halva so now I have to pay. So I say with the most blatant cara de pau I can muster that oh well, my train is about to leave, and I give them the warmest goodbye smile and a wave, and leave them protesting without looking back.

Only afterwards I realise that I had tied up the woman for a good fifteen minutes that she could have been hustling, plus I got to try a significant amount of halva of various flavours, without paying a cent. She was good at the game so the sample portions were quite generous, too.

The lesson we learn from this is, you gotta roll with the punches; your story can't be static, it's a tool not a script. Con artistry is a dance, at the first sign of resistance from the mark you have to change your step. They really should have cut their losses and given me a miserable thumb of candy for 10€ profit, I had opened myself a weakness when I said “gimme this much in candy” without checking the price/kg first. But thanks to their all-or-nothing commitment to the script, I ended up indulging my sweet tooth for free and out-scamming the scammers, purely by instinct. And if they're smart they'll think twice before trying to con a Brazilian again lmao (I mean the Germans are right there—)

How dark is Dark Academia? As dark as the society we live in. Beyond the comfort of its moody, sometimes haunting ambience, Dark Academia reflects the fractures of a broken society.

Dark Academia debuted on Tumblr in 2015 and spread across various social media platforms in the late 2010s, reaching mainstream popularity during the COVID-19 pandemic. Today, it remains a subject of discussion, inspiring recent novels and films. Even the vintage tweeds and wool fabrics associated with Dark Academia fashion continue to find their place in the wardrobes of younger audiences. Moreover, the appeal lies in the imagery of a nostalgic dark intellectual fantasy world, embracing isolation, melancholy, and the pursuit of knowledge—an escapism from the drudgery of academic life.

Why the need to escape?

Students entering college in the 2010s faced a labor market still recovering from the Great Recession. While a college degree was considered the path to many middle‑class jobs, investing in a degree presented a higher risk. In some parts of Europe, austerity measures led to budget cuts in universities, while in the US, state funding for public colleges fell sharply. As a result, many colleges raised tuition and fees, and youth unemployment pushed more students into prolonged study. In the US and UK, students heavily relied on loans with rising debt levels. Furthermore, following the recession, youths saw an erosion of humanities programs through budget cuts, departmental closures, and declining enrollment. All these pressures set the stage for the Dark Academia trend.

Dark Academia unfolded across social media, connecting students and building collective identity.

Amid growing anxieties over student debt, cuts to humanities programs, uncertain career prospects—and later, the isolation and loneliness intensified by the pandemic—Dark Academia unfolded across social media, connecting students and building collective identity. It offered study rituals, academic identity, and even fashion style—all of which functioned as coping mechanisms. Moreover, in times of uncertainty, the aesthetic provided comfort by affirming that the pursuit of a degree, particularly in humanities, could still yield cultural capital.

Nostalgia is central to Dark Academia. The aesthetic romanticizes an era—particularly the early-to-mid 20th century, or even earlier—when intellectual life was closely tied to Western elites and studying ancient art, Classical Greek, and classical literature conferred social prestige. Ivy League institutions, along with Oxbridge, cultivated an exclusive world for those fortunate enough to belong. In modern life, Dark Academia goes beyond imagery of books, libraries, and the walls of Gothic university architecture. It extends well into the lifestyle of coffee shops and late-night studying accompanied by classical or gothic-inspired music, and the fashion style of distinctive Ivy League cardigans, tweed blazers, and plaid shirts.

Why this obsession with studying and nostalgia?

As mentioned above, Dark Academia emerged as a form of escapism to cope with financial anxieties surrounding higher education, the pressures of academic life, and the uncertain future of the humanities. As a psychological response to these crises, imagery of Ivy League and Oxbridge traditions from a time when intellectual and academic identity defined prestige—a distinctive feature of Dark Academia aesthetic—served as a nostalgic refuge.

The solitary life of late-night studying is romanticized in Dark Academia, somewhat sensualizing the image of the tortured poet, artist, or intellectual and casting moody, melancholic ambience. This allure is further reinforced by an interior design trend that favors muted palettes of white, black, beige, brown, dark green, and navy blue, accented with textbooks, candles, and vintage ornaments. Such settings echo the atmosphere described in The Secret History—the Das Kapital of Dark Academia.

The grandeur of solitude in pursuing intellectual growth within the fantasy world of Dark Academia has, over the years through various digital platforms, built a collective identity and a flourishing community among younger audiences grappling with the lingering effect of the recession while adjusting to isolation under COVID-19 policies.

While Dark Academia romanticizes the imagery of studying humanities, its appeal expanded during the pandemic, reaching students across disciplines and even audiences beyond academia because it offered a community, belonging, and a coping mechanism. With the erosion of humanities majors intensifying in recent years in the US and parts of Europe, Dark Academia continues to serve as a nostalgic refuge. For humanities students, it provides a way to reclaim intellectual identity as well as cultural capital amid the devaluing of their field. It serves a similar purpose for other students and young people who—amid instability—yearn for intellectual prestige alongside its cultural identity.

A self-reflective evolving aesthetic

Paradoxically, while idealizing a bygone world centered on academic elitism, Dark Academia classics—such as the film Dead Poets Society (1989) and Donna Tartt’s novel The Secret History (1992)—also challenge the tradition of conformity and the moral codes long upheld in academic institutions. Thus, Dark Academia is a trope of nonconformity, antiauthority, and, to some extent, antiestablishment—a self-reflective aesthetic, ever evolving.

Dark Academia is a trope of nonconformity, antiauthority, and, to some extent, antiestablishment ....

Therefore, we cannot talk about Dark Academia without addressing its white, male-Anglo elitism. This ethnocentrism has been widely discussed, and as the trend continued to spread, criticism as well as resistance to its Western elitism gave rise to what can be described as a neo-Dark Academia, where the aesthetic is adjusted and adapted to embrace inclusion and diversity. This reformed or reimagined Dark Academia—while still loyal to the rebellious spirit of its prototype, Dead Poets Society and to the dark allure of its birth mother, The Secret History—has transformed itself by bringing feminist, queer, black, and decolonial reinterpretations. Since its peak, Dark Academia has increasingly incorporated non-Anglophone literature, traditions, and cultures into its narratives, drawing from Asian, African, and Latin American sources.

Reinterpretations in contemporary works have carried Dark Academia beyond nostalgia. R.F. Kuang’s Babel (2022) lays bare how colonialism, racism, sexism, and class inequality are embedded in academic institutions. In satirical mode, Emerald Fennell’s film, Saltburn (2023) mocks the toxicity of Western elitism and the pursuit of class mobility. M.L. Rio’s If We Were Villains (2017), echoes a Shakespearean tragedy while centering on queer love in an academic setting. Other works, such as Victoria Lee’s A Lesson in Vengeance (2021) exemplifies how contemporary Dark Academia has shifted away from male‑dominated narratives, emphasizing women and queer voices, while Katie Zhao’s How We Fall Apart (2021) moves further by centering Asian American women’s experiences. Yet across these diverse reinterpretations, the persistence of rape culture—manifested in hazing traditions and other practices—within elite universities remains underexplored in Dark Academia critiques.

The paradoxes that dismantle a broken society

In short, Dark Academia is both a literary genre and an aesthetic subculture that indulges in a nostalgic fantasy of an imagined past. The decolonial reinterpretations and resistance which have emerged within the Dark Academia community challenge the Anglo-elitist and patriarchal narratives reproduced through this aesthetic, seeking to re-write them. This creates another paradox: Dark Academia as both nostalgic escapism and cultural resistance. It is through these contradictions—elitism versus nonconformity and nostalgia versus innovation—that Dark Academia evolves into an aesthetic mirroring the fractures of a broken society, while simultaneously dismantling the cracks that hold it together.

-Some Thoughts from the Cappuccino Girl- (2026)

#literature #subculture #fashion #film

You might be interested to read: The Art of Controlling Cultural Meaning: Art Nouveau and Art Deco in the Third Reich

Images: Pinterest

Sources

Bookish Brews (2022) Dark Academia: The Truth About the Genre & Subculture. https://bookishbrews.com/dark-academia-the-truth-about-the-genre [Accessed 20 February 2026].

Bulaitis, Z. H., (2025) ‘Navigating Dark Academia: Student Identity, Nostalgia, and neo-Victorian Influences Online.’ Open Screens 7(2). doi: https://doi.org/10.16995/OS.10894.

Center on Budget and Policy Priorities (2018) Unkept Promises: State Cuts to Higher Education Threaten Access and Equity. https://www.cbpp.org/research/state-budget-and-tax/unkept-promises-state-cuts-to-higher-education-threaten-access-and [Accessed 12 March 2026].

Cordon, Nancy (2025) '“Not by a Jury of Our Peers”: The Roles of Privilege and Critique in Dark Academia.' Paper Shell Review. https://english.umd.edu/research-innovation/journals/paper-shell-review/spring-2025/not-jury-our-peers-roles-privilege-and [Accessed 13 February 2026].

Millán, Lara Lopez (2023) The Dark Academia Aesthetic: Nostalgia for the Past in Social Networks. https://doi.org/10.33008/IJCMR.2023.08.

Nguyen, Maryann (2022) Nostalgia in Dark Academia. University of Strathclyde, Scotland. https://pure.strath.ac.uk/ws/portalfiles/portal/156280631/Nguyen_EWCP_2022_Nostalgia_in_dark_academia.pdf [Accessed 24 February 2026].

Wikipedia (2026) Student Loans and Grants in the United Kingdom. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Student_loans_and_grants_in_the_United_Kingdom [Accessed 10 March 2026].

Yenimahalle'de Bosch Garantisi ile Fiat Özel Sevis

Fiat veya Egea aracınızın bakımı için sanayi sitelerinin stresini yaşamak zorunda değilsiniz! 🚗

Şaşmaz'a komşu, Yenimahalle'nin merkezindeki tesisimizde “Bosch Fiat Servis” standartlarıyla garantili onarım sunuyoruz. Yetkili servis tekelini kıran Blok Muafiyeti yasası ve Egea aracınızın değerini koruyacak en önemli detayları yeni yazımızda derledik. Aracınızı şansa değil, uzman ellere emanet edin! 👇

https://medium.com/@piservisbcs/ankarada-fiat-sahipleri-i%CC%87%C3%A7in-yeni-bir-servis-anlay%C4%B1%C5%9F%C4%B1-yenimahalle-de-bosch-g%C3%BCvencesi-7c58abd9557c

#Fiat #Egea #AnkaraOtoServis #BoschCarService #Yenimahalle #Şaşmaz #Otomotiv #AraçBakımı

Companion piece to the casual relationship vocabulary.

• Carinho: caress; cuddle. Literally “little care”. In the strict sense, a gesture of physical affection; more generally, any action that makes you feel cared for.
• Carinhosa: cuddly in a caring way. Affectionate and care-giving. A highly valued trait in a partner.
• Carente: the emotional state of being in need of carinho. Care-seeking. Like “needy” but without the negative connotation. “Hon, be nice to me cos today I'm carente.”
• Chorosa: the emotional state of feeling prone to crying. Vulnerable due to an influx of emotions. “Feeling fragile right now”. Implies similar needs as being carente. Distinguish “chorona” which is crybaby; being prone to crying as a stable personality trait.
• Aconchego: coziness; a cuddle that feels cozy.
• Chamego: a more intense form of carinho. In some dialects it's sexually charged, like, to grind on someone while dancing can be described as giving chamego.
• Chameguice: chamego-ness. The trait of being highly affective, in a physical sense.
• Colo: “lap”. But metaphorically like, nestling. The happy safe place in your lover's arms. To be “asking for lap” is essentially a way of expressing being physically carente.
• Cafuné: headstroking. Making carinhos by lightly massaging their head, passing your fingers between their hair and so on. Used symbolically in a similar way as English “headpat”, but it's slower and more intimate than simple patting.
• Xodó: someone who is your xodó is your baby. A xodó evokes in you an intense warm fuzzy protective care-giving emotion, maybe to the point of you getting overprotective or jealous. Not an exclusive term to romance; can also be used e.g. of a child or a pet, or a prized collector's item, etc.
• Mimar: to spoil. To treat someone; to go all-out on spoiling them, no holds barred. A highly valued behaviour in a partner.
• Mimo: a treat. A single “spoil”. Can be like, a physical gift, or a service like making fancy breakfast, or just a bout of intense affection, praise, cuddles etc. “You better be ready cos I'm gonna stuff you full of mimos tonight you cutie”.
• Dengo: when you act in a childish or playfully cutesy-dramatic way in order to elicit mimos and get a good chamego. The quality of dengo-ness is denguice.
• Manha: similar to dengo but hits different in a way I have trouble expressing.
• Manhosa, dengosa: being in an emotional state where you do dengos or make manha; or having that as a personality trait. Bashful from Disney's “Snow White” was named Dengoso in the Brazilian dub. n.b. being dengosa is a positive trait in a partner.
• Melosa: “honeyed”. Someone who expresses affection verbally to a shamelessly intense degree.
• Grude: “sticky material”; “glue”. Someone who wants to be up close to you at all times. can be used negatively or positively; e.g. “these two are such a grude lately [admiringly]“.

Much of our rich vocabulary for this field is indebted to Bantu languages. Once again, there's probably more I'm not remembering, exact nuances vary with speaker and age and subculture etc.

With the major cultural tradition of my people being “fooling around”, we have developed a rich vocabulary that I miss when I speak English or German or Japanese, so I'm trying to list all terms that I can remember. See also the affection/cuddling vocabulary.

Have fairly close English equivalents

• Namorada: girlfriend
• Esposa: wife
• Mulher: woman, as in wife
• Amante: lover (illegitimate)
• Amizade colorida: friendship with benefits. Implies a recurring sexual relationship with no or lightweight emotional involvement. Lit. “colourful friendship”.
• Flash: a hookup. a one-night stand.
• Crush: as in English.
• Parceira: as in the English cognate.

No exact English equivalent

• Ficar: to make out with; lit. “to stay with”. Probably but not necessarily staying short of sex, though often sexually charged. Implies a fun/joyful aspect, and also probably an emotional/honeyed/crush aspect. Can be a one-off thing; if it's recurring, you have a
• Ficante: “stayer”, “stayent”. Someone you often make out with, but no committed relationship is declared. Implies non-exclusivity. You probably have feelings for one another, but keep it light.
• Pegar: to hook up with; probably but not necessarily sexual. Literally “to seize/grab/take”; often implies an active seducer role on the part of the speaker (“see that hot piece on that table? I been grabbing her”). Implies emotional casualness. Can be used of a one-night stand; if it's recurring, you have a
• Pegante: someone you have a sexually torrid, emotionally light, non-exclusive recurring relationship with.
• Peguete: same as “pegante” but the suffix makes it feel even more casual. Has a connotation like “plaything” or “boy toy” in my mind.
• Pegadora: assertively promiscuous and good at it. Seductress. “She fucks.”
• Ficante séria: You never declared a relationship but she's de facto like a girlfriend and if you forget her birthday or cheat on her there's gonna be trouble. Extremely Brazilian concept in that “serious casual” is a logical contradiction and makes perfect sense.
• Ficante premium: More or less the same as “ficante séria”, but funnier. Can be extended like “ficante premium gourmet comfort plus”, etc. “Yesterday my ficante premium plus saw me with the ficante comfort limited edition and SHTF.”
• Pensante, olhante, conversante: “thinkent”, “lookent”, “chatent”. The concept of “ficante” is so useful that the -ante suffix (the same as in “student” or “resident”) has now generalised to describe your beloved at stages of the flirting process, from when you’re thinking about or staring wistfully at her down to the actual making out.
• Ex-ficante: You never declared a relationship and you were never exclusive but your former ficante came to the same new year's party as you and your current ficante and now there's a maior climão (A “biggest atmosphere”. I think you get the idea.)
• Amigada: The wife equivalent of “ficante séria”. You live together and are for all intents and purposes a married couple, but never legally married nor declared your relationship to your family. Very very old word, like literally from the renaissance, so it has a bit of a grandma energy—it sounds to me like, “and your aunt ran away from home and became amigada with her cousin back in '63…”—but I still see young people using it, too.
• Namorido: Portmanteu of namorado “boyfriend” and marido “husband”. Not your husband but the relationship is so serious that the social role is like a husband. Maybe you live together (=amigado), or maybe not but you stay at each other's houses so often that you practically do; you go to family events together; you travel together in vacations etc. Boyfriend with husband characteristics.
• Namorida: Feminine of “namorido”; girlfriend with wife characteristics, even though the implied marida (a feminine of “husband”) isn't a regular word.
• Rolo: “It's complicated” relationship. “Situationship”. “In a dynamic with.” It's recurring, and it's not just sex for fun. Maybe not formally dating but there's too many feelings involved, you're falling for one another but one side or both is afraid to say it aloud; or you want to live in this state of ambiguity for longer; or maybe it's illegitimate on the part of someone; or not-quite-illegitimate-but-better-if-she-doesn't-know, that kinda thing. Literally a “roll”, but it's originally slang for trouble; mess.
• Rolo compressor: “steamroller”. You had a rolo and they came drunk to your party when you were petting your peguete and made a scene and you're the talk of the town for a month. Then they called you at 2am to break up, but then called next morning to say they're sorry, and…
• Caso: A “case”. An affair. An older word that can be used like amante (illegitimate lover) or like rolo (it's complicated). For example, a torrid, intense, and knowingly temporary relationship for the duration of a summer trip would be a caso de verão (“summer case”). Has a mature adult connotation in my mind, compared to the more young folk/nightlife energy of ficante/pegante.
• Contatinho: “little contact”. “I'm in her DMs”. Nobody has proposed or confessed anything yet but it's clear for everyone involved that you two are a thing already. They're like, incoming queue. You get sugar syrupy/flirty every so often to keep moving things towards IRL skinship. Back in my day we called this being fofinhas no MSN (“being cute on MSN”) but nobody uses that anymore.
• Contatinho de reserva, aka step: “Backup little contact”, aka “spare tire”. Not a side piece but a side potential piece. Someone in your DMs you've been jogando verde pra colher maduro (“playing it while it's green so you get to harvest it ripe”), like, no expectations, but the hustle never stops…

There's probably more I'm not remembering. This is like, slang, it has all sorts of variants and different nuances depending on dialect, subculture, generation etc. This is how the words sound to me in particular and, I think, most folk from my area and generation.

1.

I often tell people: “if you keep a dream journal you’ll be able to have highly elaborate dreams like mine”. The act of keeping a journal primes your subconscious, as if some part of you who makes dreams gets the message and decides to put some effort. Or is that just an idea that makes sense to me so I tell them to people? Truth to be told, I don’t keep a dream journal, except if you count those exceptionally elaborate dreams I post on social media themselves, with Mastodon being my “journal”, or occasional jottings on my bujo when I have that feeling: “I must note this down” without knowing why. I don’t have the cinematic, plot-heavy dreams consistently or often. If I kept a dream journal, would their frequency actually increase?

2.

The idea gives me some dread. Though few of my dreams are outright nightmares, they usually aren’t super happy or pleasant either, with an anxious character to them. Scarier still are the ones that bleed into real life, with sleep paralysis hallucinations; many times including recently I have experienced a gradual shift from dreams to this reality, so that the last scene of the dream fades seamlessly into the scene I see from my body lying on bed—from virtual reality to augmented reality, so to speak. Watching a demon dog that had stalked you for your entire dream fade into the corner of your room walls, still growling at you, and then realise you're lying awake staring at the same room corner of where you sleep; or watching a parade of disembodied masks/faces coming from the gaps between boards on the ceiling, then realising you're in this reality staring at the ceiling boards—when I was young those things would make it impossible for me to sleep in my bedroom again at all. (Years later, when I found out about the Hounds of Tindalos from Lovecraft and how they are able to manifest from any architectural angle, that… did not help.)

I feel like without my hallucinations I am diminished, somehow; I want to see how deep the rabbit hole goes. But maybe I am afraid that, if I start exploring my dreams, that kind of thing will return, and then where am I going to sleep? I don’t live with my mom anymore, I am the mom now; and a single mom at that; there is no one to go say: I’m scared, no lap to seek refuge into.

3.

But I am trying to rationalise something more elemental. There is a base fear that I am very familiar with, since my first few visionary experiences. I call it the “oh fuck oh shit it just got real fear”. Like maybe you are attracted to magick or wicca or lucid dreaming or something, so you go seek after it, after like, something. Though you are also modern and educated and a sceptic, so half of you constantly thinks: you’re wooing yourself, none of this is real, it’s all scams and mind tricks. Metaphors, generously.

And then after a while you do in fact stumble on something, and it’s like falling down into an abyss head first, and suddenly all those metaphors seem actually really dangerous, and the question of the exact realness of their phenomenological status takes second place to: oh no oh fuck abort abort abort.

For example, both times I tried ayahuasca I had a single dose and did not have the strong, transformative visions that the entheogen is reputed for. Both times one of the ritual workers offered me the second dose, and I refused. Both times I got the impression that they knew exactly what was going on and scoffed a bit at my cowardice. Now part of the reason I didn’t want to take the second dose is that the ayahuasca religions I had access to both were Christian-based, and I just can’t agree with Christian stuff, it repulses me at a visceral level. But that’s not the primary reason. The primary reason was that I instinctively knew that if I downed that second cup, shit would get real.

4.

Sleep paralysis phenomena should be generalised as half-sleep phenomena, I think. Not every hallucination I have is accompanied by paralysis. The paralysis itself doesn’t seem to have the same terror & dread edge that it used to have, after I learned that it’s like, a thing that happen to people, the scientific explanations of it etc., and then just let it happen. But regardless: there’s a particular kind of hallucination/vision I have when in a state that is not quite awake but not asleep, either; both before sleep and after waking up, whether or not there’s paralysis.

5.

Most often my demioneiric visions are visual or auditory; the voices used to be more common, these days I think visions are more common. The one time that involved any other sense was the ghost girlfriend, who visited me three times; that was intensely memorable, hugging an invisible girl who was not(?) there, who felt so real that I swear I could see the indentation she left on the mattress next to me afterwards. The first time she came was in a period where I was dating a lot of women, but that night I was alone, and suddenly I had a girl to hug to sleep and I was like, “how nice, one of my girls came give me a surprise and lie with me”, and only once I was awake/sober enough to realise, “waaait a minute that would be a weird thing to do and how would anyone open the apartment door at 3am anyway”—that the feeling of her was suddenly gone from arms. The second time I do not remember at all; but my memory of this vision noted down “she came three times”, so I’m reporting it like that. The third time was the only time ghost girlfriend told me something, namely the word “goodbye”; her body them seemed to dissolve into a thousand pieces; the tactile feeling of snuggling to a human body and then have it shatter under your arms like polygons in a 3D game animation was so real and unexpected and unprecedented that I was more marvelling at how this felt than anything else. Ghost girlfriend never came again, nor have I ever had a tactile experience like that again.

6.

The first experience with sleep paralysis that I remember was umbanda-related, in my early teens. It was magnificently terrifying, maybe the scariest I ever had. The voice I heard—a sickly-sweet female voice—repeated a word three times, stretching out the stressed vowel in the third; I was desperately trying to move my legs, but they would only shake nervously; the voice stretching that vowel made my leg shake like a bamboo switch in the wind, and then the half-sleep state, and the paralysis, were gone all of a sudden. With no idea what was happening or what to do, I went to the kitchen and cooked something purely to calm down. Then I dug through my grandmother's husband's family's old box of books, and found Polyanna, which even to 11ish-year-old me felt too facile and condescending; but at that moment the book saved me, its message of positive thinking and optimism is absurd motivational-speaker material in daylight, but past midnight and terrified? it was a life raft in a sea of terror, it made it possible for me to try to sleep again. Then the same voice did the same thing—a word, three times, long vowel at third, leg shaking etc., with the same effect; only it was a different word this time. Curiously, that made it less scary; a weird thing happens to you and it’s a dreadful unexplained phenomenon, if it happens twice it’s like, a thing that happens. Repetition defuses. I was finally able to sleep.

I was able to remember the two words for years later, but I never noted them down and at some point I forgot them. How I wish I had them in the era of the Internet to look up, to analyse with my linguistics skills…

7.

A widespread half-asleep phenomenon that I also have and that one of my kids inherited from me: Mind radio. This is when you hear voices saying sentence fragments in your mind when you're about to sleep, in quick succession, changing speaker for each fragment, as if you were zapping through radio stations: I don’t drink milk I don’t drink—today she was fond of white jackets—in Vietnam the peasants might—nani ittenda, kono yaroo—butterflies rose and pink, I will give you, etc.

Mind radio does not sound like the voice of the normal internal dialogue, intangible in your mind; there's a definite acoustic quality to them, the voices have a very specific timbre and volume and a definiteness of sound. At the same time you're aware they are in your mind; you don't think they're coming from real life, that there might be a physical person in the room with you.

My mind radio tends to be pretty unpleasant and cause the oh-shit-it's-getting-real fear, which bothers sleep. I usually dread this when it happens, and try to drown it out with a youtube video or something. The voices don't normally make any sense, at least not in an obvious way; but mine lean towards mean words and a certain aggressive tone. Once I tried experimentally asking them things, inspired by techniques of how one explore one's plurality. The succession of sentence fragments didn't really reply directly, but I felt like they were kinda interacting with what I was asking, if in a sarcastic/mocking way sometimes. That's another rabbit hole I didn't get very deep into.

8.

Only now in my middle age, I started having an occasional phenomenon that seems to be a visual analogue to mind radio, happening in the same situation. Instead of voices I see images, each lasting maybe 3–5 seconds. Like the sound of the voices, these images have a strange definiteness to them; I'm not normally able to conjure images in my mind, I have a poor visual imagination, but these images are as if I was looking at a drawing, every detail visible. I can't make any sense of them, and like a dream the memory of them disappears fast. A chair on a furry carpet. A toy duck with ducklings. A masked man sitting and staring at me. The moon and stars, etc.

Curiously, these flashing images don’t seem to cause the type of dread that commonly accompanied my auditory mind radio, and accompanied also many (but not all) of the half-asleep, “augmented reality”-type visions. Could I invite the mind images on purpose? I have a vague idea of how to do that; a journal, the absence of distractions like music or podcasts, and just asking, opening myselves to it. Do I dare?

9.

A half-sleep phenomenon I experienced at least twice and never saw described anywhere else. I am sleeping somewhere outside and under the stars, somewhere natural, with all the stars we don't see in the cities. I always feel at peace under stars, like coming home, so I stare at them with love and gratitude. Eventually I close my eyelids, and find to my surprise that I can still see or imagine the stars, in all their incountable glory, exactly where they were before, every colour and position and everything. Baffled, I open my eyes again; there's all the stars. I close my eyes; the stars continue to be there.

Like in the “mind TV zapping”, the visual quality of these stars is tangible, concrete; very different than trying to picture things in my mind on purpose. I never had this happen with anything other than stars. It's as if stars, and stars only, could pierce right through the cover of my eyelids.

10.

I saw a recommendation that you try to talk to characters in your dreams, even while awake—like just write on a notebook and “imagine” or “pretend” you're talking to them, and you might be surprised at the answers. This seems exactly parallel to how it works to talk to plural selves, which leads to the obvious question: if the beings in your dreams are you, or at least some of them are you, are they a type of plural self?

11.

I like the idea of blurring the lines between dream and reality—wearing a piece of clothing you remember wearing in a dream, for example, or adopting a catchphrase or humming a melody, etc. If dream-personas are a type of plural self—could you invite a dream self to front? Extract them right out of one reality to the other?

12.

Conversely, could you have your awake-time plural selves hang out together in dreams, as in with different dream-bodies, to have adventures or romance or guidance etc.? Maybe lucid dreaming techniques could help inducing that?

13.

An experience I've had countless times was to fall deeply in love with someone in a dream, only to wake up and find out that the recipient of my affection does not exist, which is a very offputting kind of bummer. But I've had sequential dreams more than once—like the recent series of dreams that all took place at the “decrepit ghetto neighbourhood somewhere in Tōkyō” which achieved some notoriety, culminating in that cinematic story with the teenage serial killer/performance artist character.

Apparently it’s something that dream explorers do, try to get back at an old dream on purpose, to continue unfinished business or just to explore promising territory. Could I have been doing this all along when I have one of those romantic dreams, and keep up a long-term dream-relationship?

Short info about this blog: I recently learned that spunk is usually a colloquial word for human male ejaculate. Well, that's not what I wanted to refer to. Spunk is also a word that Pippi Langstrumpf / Pippi Longstocking uses for objects she spins fantasies about, in the outdated children's stories by Swedish author Astrid Lindgren.

That's why I changed it to westphalianheretic now. This will as well effect any links to this blog.